Mary Grace

Children of Promise

2010-08-19T08:49:00.000-07:00

Hi Friends,
I can't believe it's been since Easter that I posted! I wanted to refer you to my sweet friend Karen's blog (Jacob Ryan's Mom) and basically say "ditto'. You have to read it and see the amazing thing God has done! The weekend with my friends and our babies was indescribable. God is so faithful and I will always be in awe of what miracles he continues to bring me through my precious girl, Mary Grace. Thank you so much for continuing to be faithful with your prayers and friendships!
http://fahmer.blogspot.com/

"Give thanks to the Lord, for He is good. His love endures forever!" Ps. 136:1

He Lives!!

2010-04-04T04:59:00.000-07:00

I have so much to be thankful for. Yes...I do realize that and am thankful. I keep repeating to myself "I serve a risen Savior, He's in the world today, I know that He is living whatever men may say. He lives, He lives, Christ Jesus lives today....He walks with me and talks with me, along life's narrow way, He lives...He lives Salvation to impart....You ask me how I know He lives? He lives within my heart" ...because it brings me comfort. The comfort that comes from Hope like I never understood before.

I have nothing really profound to say and really struggle putting anything into words for the blog these days. What I can say is that even though I am happy, thankful and know I am blessed and am enjoying my girls so very much.....it's still a struggle. Sometimes daily. But...especially when holidays come around. When I am hurrying to find dresses and socks and bows and shoes and cute purses to carry to church..... for three girls and it should be Four. It's a struggle and a weight. When I struggle to think of something that the "Easter Bunny" can bring for Mary Grace that even makes sense. When I go to get the Easter Lillys for her and can't even find any at the one store I have time to stop in that are bloomed.....it makes me angry and frustrated and I think "is that too much to ask??". I guess you get the picture.

But...when I wake up this morning (an hour early because my clock automatically changes when it thinks its Eastern Standard time and decides that was last night!!)...I woke up with peace. Because He is risen, that closes the deal. He was born yes.....and yes He died on the cross for me (an amazing sacrifice) BUT He is risen!! That seals the deal....it brings the hope and the assurance I need to know that my sweet Mary Grace is indeed with my living Savior and that I will be with all 4 of my girls again. I am trying to focus on that today.....not my physically missing girl. I miss her.

I'm okay. And I am thankful and I love my Jesus. So....Happy Easter. I am so thankful I have that!

Brown Shirt Mommas

2010-01-23T20:01:00.000-08:00

My sweet friend Emily (Miller Grace's Mommy) wrote the following about the "8 Brown shirt Mommas". I feel so blessed that God orchestrated our meeting and our relationships. Just one more blessing that Mary Grace brought to my life. Make no mistake, if I could choose (and please try to understand) I would rather have my 2 year old running around here. But......Mary Grace is with our Savior and I am honored to have these wonderful Mommys in my life. What a beautiful reunion we will have some day.

Gods story Written by Emily:

More Than Just Eight Brown Shirts

We became known by the color of our t-shirts, but we had more in common than that. We had each said goodbye to one of our babies in the last year. But we had more in common than that, too. Heartbroken and confused, we were clear about one thing and one thing alone: we wanted to see His glory.

It was in the praying for, the holding tight, and the letting go of our little ones that we found out who our Savior really was and is and is to come. He is mighty. He is meek. He is quiet. He is loud. He is strong. He is gentle. He weeps with us. He rejoices with us, too. He listens closely and answers clearly. He heals. He holds when healing doesn’t come. He makes sense when nothing does. His breath is warm. His arms are strong. He is real. He is present. He is God.

It had been exactly one year since my daughter’s death. It had been four weeks since Karen’s son had died. In the time between, Angie, Yvette, Kim, Kenzie, Kristy, and Chrissy had all said goodbye to their babies, too. For Kristy, it was her second son to release to the Lord. By the grace of God, we converged on Atlanta for a weekend that would change us forever.

Deeper Still: The Event was sacred to us. We were able - for the first time in a long time - to feel somewhat normal and understood as we sat together, prayed together, learned together, and worshiped together. Our eyes and the tears that flowed from them, our hands and the way they couldn’t stay down any longer, our voices and the way they quivered as we sang His praises seemed to say it all.

It has been a year and a half since we have seen each other’s faces and held each other’s hands. As long as I live, I will never forget how it felt to take Karen’s sweet face in my hands just before she climbed out of my car and onto her plane, as I promised her that her God was still going to be good a year from then. I remembered wondering how I would make it through a day, when my grief was fresh and my heart was raw, and it was my heart cry to prove to her that our God was more than able to carry her through, too.

I think all eight of us would agree today that God is indeed good and He has indeed carried us further than we ever dreamed He dreamed He might. God was doing a work in our hearts before our babies ever came or our suitcases arrived in Atlanta, Georgia, and He will be working long after our new babies are grown and gone. That’s right. Every single one of us has been blessed with a brand new life in her home. If you had asked us that weekend in Atlanta where we would be in a year and a half, I am quite certain none of us would dared to dream we could possibly be right where we are now.

Poppy Joy Luce was the first of our babies in Heaven to gain the Big Sister status when her parents and big sister brought the beautiful Adrienne Christine home in May, 2008, and made Adrienne’s adoption official on Poppy‘s 1st Birthday that December. Tristan Asher Hostetter’s parents were blessed with the opportunity to bring a sweet baby girl (born on Tristan’s mommy Yvette’s birthday, no less) home from the hospital in October, 2008, making him a Big Brother, just like his own two big brothers at home.
Maddox Donald Stanfield soon earned his Big Brother status when his stunning baby sister, Faith Clare, was born in November, 2008. Judging from his own Big Brother’s smile, I imagine Maddox was a happy boy that day, too. Eva Janette’s mommy learned she was expecting her new blessing - Eva’s adorable baby brother Dante, born in February, 2009 - the very weekend we were all together in Atlanta. Many of us watched Chrissy’s elation and wondered if that would ever be ours again. Oh, how God must have been smiling then!

Kim and I, both Kentucky natives and moms of three girls, were roommates that weekend. We could never have dreamed what God in store for us. The following April, our newest baby girls were born a week apart. Miller Grace Cassetty became a Big Sister to my dear Abigail Joy on April 2nd. Mary Grace Summons became a Big Sister to the precious AnnaGrace Pearl on April 9th. How awesome.

But, God wasn’t done!

After four boys, Kristy welcomed an amazing baby girl, Hope Amelia, on the first day of June. I can only imagine how proud Isaac Matthew and Asher Joseph had to have been of their family that day. True to form, our dear friend Karen was the last to join our joyful chaos. Jacob Ryan Fahmer became the third Big Brother in his family when Karen delivered her fourth gorgeous boy, Jeremiah Gabriel, this past August.

We are just eight women. If you passed any of us in the grocery store, you likely would not give us a second glance. (Unless, of course, one of our children threw an orange at you or something.) We are ordinary in every way. We come from farms and big cities alike. Some of us are working moms and some of us stay at home. Some of us home school and some of us do not. Some of us are nursing mothers and some of us are not. While it is true that some of us have urns on our mantels and others of us buy silk flowers instead of toys when special occasions roll around, you would never know that by looking at us.

Our story is one of God’s power. By no other means could we, as ordinary women who love our children with all we are, have survived the storm we have come through. By no other means could our scarred hearts have healed so much. By no other means could our families have known peace and joy again. Our hope is not in our children in Heaven any more than it is in the children in our arms. Our hope comes in knowing where our true treasure lies, fixing our eyes on what is not seen, but unseen; on what is not temporary, but eternal.

“But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body.” (2 Corinthians 4:7-10)

Happy 2nd Birthday Mary Grace!

2010-01-13T20:23:00.000-08:00

Happy 2nd Birthday Mary Grace. I can’t believe it’s been two years since I held your perfect little body in my arms. I can’t believe it’s been two years since I rubbed my nose all over your sweet face and heard your sweet little gurgles. Your skin was so soft and you smelled so good. I would give anything to have those moments back. But…that’s a mute point I guess. Just yesterday I felt my arms ache for you….the literal ache that I haven’t felt in a while. The ache to hold your 3 lb petite body in my arms. It made me want to drive to the hospital and find a premature baby and ask if I could hold her/him. Think they would call the police when a crazy momma came asking for that? I prayed the other night, like so many that God would allow me to dream of you and to somehow feel you in my arms as I slept, like I did the night you went to be with Jesus.

A day has not or will ever go by that I do not miss you. That I do not look back in my rear view mirror and know that one of my girls is missing. There will never be a Christmas that goes by that I do not know that there is one of my daughters that I do not have to shop for, that there is one list that I do not have to check off; misery. There will never be a birthday of yours that goes by that I will know what to do with myself. There will never be any holiday really, Valentine’s Day, Easter etc. that I am not reminded that I should be preparing for 4 girls. But….all that comes back to remind me that you are real to me, you are real to our family and death cannot change that. It reminds me that I am a mother to four perfect girls and that because of Jesus that’s forever! I know you are perfectly happy with our Maker and I have peace about that…..but I miss you, I always will.

His GRACE is sufficient and I will rest in His arms because that is the only true comfort I will ever have.

I praise Him today for you, my sweet Mary Grace Summons. I will praise Him forever. You brought me joy unspeakable and full of glory!! I love, love, love you.
Mommy

Happy 2nd Birthday to sweet Jacob Ryan too!

He will shield you with His wings!! They will shelter you. His faithful promises are your armor. Psalm 91:4

remember us?

2009-10-14T09:39:00.001-07:00

Hi Friends,
I hope this entry finds everyone doing well. Even though I am horrible at posting I think of all my blogger friends every day and continue to see wonderful things happening with everyone. Chloe Faith's sister was born 10/8 - sweet Sophia Carmen! Praising Jesus for this sweet baby and for the blessings of their two daughters.

We are having a great time with sweet AnnaGrace. She is pretty perfect!! Right now however, we are nursing the flu in our house. Pray that baby stays well as I am forced to be in her face since I still breast feed her. Kailey, Allison and myself have the flu and Chris is well on his way:( Yuck.

Anyway - here are a few pics of my precious girls. Have tons more but no patience with the posting thing. I am so not computer savvy. As you can see, AnnaGrace has paved her way by having the big Brown eyes. And I would also like to share a praise for our family when Allison was baptised in June this year. Kailey and Allison have both accepted Jesus as their savior and have followed with baptism and I am so thankful and proud.
Love you all!
Kim

Prayer request for a precious friend

2009-07-17T21:17:00.001-07:00

Hi Friends,
I know I know I have been so bad!! I have got to post some new pictures of my precious AnnaGrace - she is starting to laugh and smile and is so much fun. It is so weird to look at my brown eyed girl. I have two blue eyed girls and it seemed that Mary Grace had blue eyes and little AnnaGrace is our brown eyed sweetie. She is definitely going to be her own person and will not be compared to her 3 big sisters:)

I will try my best to post what all is going on and some new pictures within the week. I really do feel so out of touch.

I come here tonight to request prayers from all my sweet prayer warriors. I have a precious precious friend who has recently had brain surgery to remove a tumor. They were only able to remove 10% and it was bigger than they had anticipated once they got in there. She has a caring page that gives the detail of what is going on and explains things much better than I can. She was and continues to be a great support for me. When I had to say goodbye to my precious girl she was there for me. I feel pretty helpless right now as she recovers from her surgery but then I realized I have a beautiful opportunity to intercede for her. I have an opportunity to do the thing that she needs the most, to pray to our Healer and the Great Physician and to petition my sweet "blogger friends" to do the same. Sometimes I honestly struggle with prayer, I struggle with "does it really change things?". But I am reminded that God tells us to come to Him ...... Philippians 4:6
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.
So...I will do what He says and have Faith that He is working out everything for good for those who love Him!!
Please pray and I will be grateful. Here is Callie's information.

http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/callieblackburn

Sisters in Love

2009-05-26T06:08:00.000-07:00

Sorry the updates are so long in between. Can't seem to get it together. We are loving our AnnaGrace and the girls are having fun. Just a few pics and hopefully a better update soon.

AnnaGrace Pearl Summons

2009-04-15T19:51:00.001-07:00

BOY oh BOY it's another GIRL!!

2009-04-09T17:44:00.000-07:00

Hi Friends....We wanted to let you know that God has blessed us with another sweet girl. AnnaGrace Pearl Summons is a chunky 8 lbs and 19.5 inches long. She is perfect in every way. I will try to post some pictures tomorrow but wanted to let everyone know the great news. Thank you to everyone for all your thoughts and prayers. We are blessed beyond measure thanks to our unfailing God!!
Oh and Mommy is doing great too!!

A letter to Baby Summons

2009-04-03T03:23:00.000-07:00

I am torn to post this letter on Mary Grace's blog page because it's to her new brother or sister. The whole fairness thing messes with me. But as I think about it, I realize this isn't MY blog page, this is Mary Grace's story and GOD's blog page. This is a testament of His blessings on this family through the gift of Mary Grace. This new baby is a part of her story, he/she is God's gift to me, to our family which includes sweet Mary Grace. I know some people have shut the blog page to their baby down and created a new one for the family because of how it feels, and that may be something I do sometime in the future because of how it feels, but for now....this is a part of Mary's story.....a part of our lives so we will deal with the other stuff as in comes.

This is just a letter I wrote while not being able to sleep. This is a letter that I some day want this baby to read and to understand, if that's even possible working on no sleep. I am sure there will be more letters as I struggle with my emotions of being elated for this new precious baby and being so sad that it's not Mary Grace who I get to bring home with me in a week. It's a burden that I hate to admit and "write" out loud but it's just truth. This baby isn't Mary Grace and that is not really what I want....because she was (is) perfect, her timing here was perfect, everything she brought to me and our family continues to prove to be perfect, God's plan is perfect...I know that and my faith helps me realize that when I doubt it. But, there is the struggle and I will continually seek God to help me through it. So sorry Satan, you will not have any of this...any of Mary Grace's life, you will not have any part of what she brought to us and continues to bring to us. My sadness is NOT your victory, my struggle is NOT your gain, it is something that me and my Heavenly Father will work on together and conquer some day for sure!! A sweet friend named Karen (mother to one of Mary Grace's heavenly buddies) helped me to realize that one night in an Atlanta hotel while she and I were weeping together. I will continue to fight you Satan on a regular basis, so back off!! You will not ever win! Jesus won this victory and battle for me! It's already done.
"Oh victory in Jesus my Savior forever...He sought me and bought me with His redeeming love. He loved me ere I knew Him and all my love is due Him, He plunged me to victory beneath the cleansing flood."

To my sweet baby,

Dear Baby Summons,

Boy or girl, I am not sure what you are…but I know that you are my precious little 4th baby. I know that I love you with all my heart and can’t wait to have you in my arms. I feel like right now I will never put you down. I have been waking up and having trouble going back to sleep for a while now, but it’s getting worse. This morning it was 2:30 a.m. and I laid there until 4:30 when I couldn't mentally take it anymore.
I feel guilty that I have complained about how I feel this pregnancy. I feel bad that I am wishing it away, especially since you will be the last little miracle in my belly. Even with your big sister Mary Grace’s pregnancy, I didn’t wish it away – I wanted her to be in my belly forever due to the fear of knowing that when she wasn’t in there we would probably be giving her back to God shortly after she entered the world. But…I am older, I have been pregnant for two straight years and am entirely too overweight, thanks to my emotional eating! I have struggled and I don’t feel great and I am ready for the pregnancy to be over (which makes me sad) but I want you to know that I love you so much already and I have treasured every kick and nudge and hiccup that you have had while in my belly.

You see, your big sister Mary Grace is with Jesus now. And although I know she is the one in this family who is in the best place ever, I want her here with us. I want her to be waiting here in the house to see you when you come home. I want to see her face beside your other two sister’s faces smiling and laughing at you. That makes me sad to not be able to have that, it makes me sad to not even know what her face would look like right now actually. I try to imagine what her one-year picture would look like hanging on my wall and it can break my heart. It worries me that the thoughts that I have of her will affect me being the Mommy I should be for you. I have prayed so hard that God would just help me to be all that He intended me to be for you, Kailey, Allison and even Mary Grace really as I will always be her mommy no matter where she is. But…..the fear starts creeping in which is how Satan works. He tries to steal the joy, he tries to creep into Mommy’s heart and remind me of what I do not have so that I do not focus on everything that God has blessed me with. So Mommy struggles. But God has promised me that if I give it all to Him EVERY time I need to, He will sustain me. He will carry me when I feel I can’t walk. He will wipe my tears of sadness and replace them with tears of joy. And when I do walk…He will be there beside me just in case every step of the way. That's our God sweet baby, that's how wonderful our Savior is. God has given you to me and I could never praise Him enough.

I also want you to know that you are not here because your sister didn’t get to stay with us. I have also wondered if you would ever feel that way. God knew of your existence before he even spoke our world into existence and He knew that He would bless ME with you. He knew who your Mommy would be and He planned on you being in this family, oh how happy that makes me! I will just continue to pray He made the right decision for you:)

I hope by the time you are able to read this letter, you will understand the sadness that may seem to be a part of it. But I also hope you realize that as I sit here typing this letter, I feel you kicking and I feel my heart melt for you. I feel overwhelmed right now that you are mine and that I will within a week be able to hold you in my arms and whisper in your ear how very much I love you, how very much you mean to me and that I will do my best to give you everything that God plans for you. You are my precious little baby and I will love and cherish you forever.

Ps. 30:5b “Weeping may last for the night, But a shout of joy comes in the morning”

Finally an update........

2009-03-27T02:35:00.000-07:00

Well heart burn and e-mails from sweet friends have beckoned me at 4:00 a.m. this morning to finally sit down and write an update. I am sorry I have been so bad about this. I know that I get so anxious when I haven't heard from someone or seen an update in a while but when it comes to me I don't think about it. I was forced to find a better balance between my "blog" time and actually getting some stuff done for my family, but it's also come at the price of not letting my prayer warriors know what is going on with me and also not being able to reach out to new people who may be struggling and keeping in touch with those who have traveled the road with me. Know that there is not a day that goes by that I do not pray over all of Mary Grace's sweet friends and their families and what is going on with them now. Also know that if you have reached out to me and I haven't returned the touch, that you are in my heart and in my prayers.

It is so incredibly heart breaking when I hear of a new person who has or will have to let go of their precious baby. And I can not imagine not having this engine to connect and heal with people who truly understand what you are going through, even if grieving it differently. And even having those dedicated prayer warriors that have simply been led to you by God with no common connection is a wonderful reminder of how God provides us with what we need to get through the days (thank you Laurie!!).

Well.....my scheduled date to have Baby Summons is 4/9/09!! So two weeks and I will have baby #4 in my arms. I have changed the office to a baby room, a storage room to an office and have painted the walls a nice neutral yellow. Other than that the room is still pretty bare. I haven't really been able to get myself to buy anything in preparation which makes my mind go crazy at times wondering why? Is there something really wrong? Is something preparing me for heart ache? Everything has been going really well at my doctor's visits....no signs of anything wrong....no "markers" - yikes I still hate that word. The baby is moving around wonderfully and I enjoy every kick and roll. I day dream about coming home Easter morning with this new precious baby and it brings pure joy to my heart. But...there is always the thought of not having sweet Mary Grace to be waiting behind the doors to welcome her brother or sister home along with Kailey and Allison. She is always with me but the void is always there in every thought, every action, every preparation.....but without that void, there wouldn't have been her. So...I will take it with thanksgiving in my heart!!

99 out of 100 people have said this baby is a boy...so we will soon see. It's funny my one friend said "you are all belly this time your hips haven't spread - it's for sure a boy" and I say, "well I would hope they wouldn't spread anymore...they never went back to normal after Mary Grace". I went to a movie the other night and I thought I will soon have to buy two seats if this baby doesn't come soon:) People ask do you feel different? Well considering I was 35 lbs heavier getting pregnant this time, older and have been pregnant for 2 years.....You betcha I feel different.....ha ha - so does that mean a boy? We will see. I covet your prayers for a safe healthy entrance for this precious baby. I ask that you continue to pray for me to have the peace I need to fully enjoy all that this baby brings to me and my family. I already feel your prayers covering me as I have gotten several e-mails asking for an update. Thank you for continuing to pray and to check on me. I promise to give an update as soon as sweet baby Summons enters this world.

So...you ask am I ready? I have a car seat, bassinet and the hospital will surely have diapers....so yes, I am so ready!!:)

God's Blessing to all my sweet bloggers!!

Please also say a prayer for Kristy Bolte and the sweet baby girl in her tummy today. http://babybolte.blogspot.com/

P.S. For those of you who watched the Extreme Home Makeover...thank you for your sweet comments. I was so proud of my Mary Grace....yet another reminder of what my sweet girl accomplished!!

"IF it gets to stay Mommy"

2009-02-20T06:07:00.000-08:00

Here is the dialog that I have been having mostly with my little Allison.

Me "Girls can you believe in 10 weeks (at the time) we are going to have a little baby in this house!!??"

Allison "only maybe"

Me "What do you mean sweet girl?"

Allison "If they baby gets to stay"

Going shopping for a car seat

Allison "why are we here?"

Me "cause we have to have a car seat to bring the baby home from the hospital"

Allison "only if it doesn't die Mommy"

another time

Me "Allison are you going to help Mommy with the baby when we bring it home?"

Allison "Mommy only if it gets to stay"

Me "Allison, the Dr. said that the baby looks really good and healthy, there is always a possibility I know, but I really feel this baby will get to come home with us"

Allison "that would be great Mommy"

Allison's prayer every night

"Lord, please let the baby's tests come back good (I have told her a thousand times they have), please let the baby be healthy, please let the baby breathe good, please let the baby come home so we can gather around it and love on the baby, It doesn't matter if it's a boy or girl, just please let it stay with us".

Friends, I love that her heart is so pure but it can be so difficult not to say to her, "Allison, the baby IS healthy, the baby WILL get to come home, the baby WILL get to stay with us" cause we all know that's a promise that I can't give her. It's heart breaking. I can not bring myself to tell her something so that she can begin to enjoy this experience fully, when I know there is the possibility that we may not get to keep this baby. The fear is so real at times, the peace is so real at times, the fear of not getting to keep any of my girls at times can be so overwhelming, that reality that has been made known to our family is so tough. But I have to tell myself almost daily that the devil wants us to live in fear, he is here to kill, steal and destroy. The devil does not want us to experice, joy, peace, pure love, hope.... all the things that comfort our hearts that comes from our Almighty, Powerful God. The reliance on Him for it all is essential with every aspect of our lives. With our kids, our marraiges, our finances, our jobs...God has us in the palm of his Almighty hand, he will never leave or forsake us. He wants us to have the pure joy that can only come from Him, not from anything of this world. It's there, it's free we just gotta keep on keepin' on, that's the challenge. He will work it all out, bring together the good for those us of that will let him.
Those are His promises and I believe them.

I pray that if you are struggling with anything in this trying time in America... health, jobs, money, children, depression, marraige stress, insurance, faith, lack of hope, not enough food, whatever it may be.... that you (we) will all just come back to the safety of His arms. Come back to the One who loves us so much that He gave His only begotton Son for us to experience the peace that surpasses ALL understanding!! It's real, I have and do feel it and when I don't, all I have to do is ask my Father.

Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in Him. He will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream
Jeremiah 17:7,8

For those of you who are interested...the Extrememe Makeover Home Edition that we got to be a part of because of sweet Mary Grace airs Sunday March 1st...it's the Fort Worth Cowtown family. She was the photographer who took the amazing pictures of Mary Grace. Pray that God's part in it was unable to be edited out!!!

2009-01-15T16:11:00.001-08:00

2009-01-15T15:48:00.001-08:00

Happy One Year Birtdhay Mary Grace

2009-01-15T06:11:00.000-08:00

The same yesterday, today and forever. That's my God and that's my girl!! Mary Grace Summons blessed us with the most precious day in our lives. There is no denying the hurt, the emptiness, the sadness, the literal heart ache, the anguish that losing her has brought to us.....but more importantly there is no denying the Joy, the miracles, the happiness, the laughter, the praise, the pure love that she has brought into our lives. That is what we mostly focus on and when the negative comes creepin' in, God penetrates my heart in a way I can't explain and reminds me that everything that Mary Grace brought to us, is worth it all.

Yesterday I have to admit was weird. How do you do this? How do you celebrate a birthday of someone you love so deeply, one of your children that is no longer physically in your presence? It hurts, I wanted Mary Grace here and the whole "it's just not fair" was definitely there! And I had so many friends say "is there anything you need" but when it came right down to it.....God did provide everything I/we needed to enjoy the day. The day started off by me waking up to 2 little girls jumping in my bed saying "Mommy, they came again!!" Yes, my neighbors and friends had done the wishes and prayers tied to balloons again out in front of our home. Kailey and Allison was already excited for their little sisters birthday and honestly if it weren't for them, I would have just stayed in bed all day and felt sorry for myself. But it was as if Mary Grace was here and her birthday would be no different than anyone elses, well in fact a lot more special! So...we put on our warm clothes and headed outside and had a beautiful time of letting the balloons go up to Heaven. My sweet friend Melissa also had a breakfast platter out front with pink flowers, muffins, bagels, and fruit ready to eat. So...we read over all the cards and wishes as we ate our breakfast together. We cried and laughed and were overjoyed yet again with how God has blessed us with such wonderful friends around us. The thing that touched my heart the most is that Mary Grace is very much still there for everyone. Sometimes it feels like grief is all yours, it's so lonely and it hurts when you think...."hey stop....does anyone remember Mary Grace...life can't just GO ON!!". So yesterday's balloons and all the comments and e-mails I received was a reminder that, yes life does go on....but everyone is different because of my sweet 3rd daughter Mary Grace Summons. Oh God is so good to remind me of that!!

I had breakfast with Mary's photographer, lunch with friends and dinner with just us. We came home and watched the slide show and after the girls went to bed Chris and I watched the video of that day. And you know....we were reminded of the pure Joy of that day, not of the sadness. Yes...sadness for sure came the next day, but on January 14th, there was nothing but Joy, celebration, laughter.....and the video made that apparent. So...yesterday was weird but it was good, as good as it can be without her actually being here....what more could I have asked for.

I didn't really know how yesterday would play out and there are some little friends of Mary Grace's who love talking about her and including her in pretty much everything they can. I also knew that Kailey and Allison wanted a party for Mary Grace so this past Saturday we had Mary's birthday party. We made stepping stones for her garden that is a work in progress....we sent off balloon's, had cupcakes and sang Happy Birthday to Mary Grace. It was fun and the girls (and one boy!) loved it! Here are some pictures.....

I also know that several of you prayed for us during Christmas. It again had the things that make you sad like seeing all the "baby's first Christmas" stuff and knowing that there is a stocking on the mantel that will not be opened by Mary's little hands. But over all this Christmas was good. We included Mary Grace in everything and my husband out did himself on two gifts that were all about Mary Grace which was thrilling to me. One of the best gifts I have ever received in my life he gave me this year, it was a personalized photo album of Mary Grace, he had taken the time to do the pictures and write comments with each one. It is beautiful.

Please let me also share another miracle that happened because of Mary Grace's sweet life. You will see that the timing of it being December was such a God thing. From the beginning....The photographer that took Mary Grace's pictures the day she was born (over 1,100 of them) as well as the prenatal pictures has become a very good friend of mine. What she provided us, memories of every detail of Mary Grace, means the world to our family and is priceless. About 1 1/2 years before Mary Grace was born Amber lost her home in a flood. She had since been displaced from her home and her family was living in a town home while they were waiting for things to be settled with the state and insurance - it was taking forever. We had an opportunity this past July to be included in the nomination process for Extreme Makeover Home Edition for their family. We submitted a letter to try to convey what Amber meant to us and what she provided us with - a hard letter to write!! This year's theme for the show is "Hometown Heroes" and Amber is definitely ours! Well, after finding out that over 10,000 Texas families had applied I thought that would be where it ended. Then in October the applicants had been narrowed down to the top 20 and her family was in that number. The show contacted us and me, Kailey and Allison were interviewed by a producer who was going to pitch it to the show. Well....November she was in the top 5 and at this point I thought hey this could really happen for them (why I doubted my amazing God I will never know!!). Well here came December, I was in a down right negative state of mind. I didn't want to deal with December and Christmas without Mary Grace was doing everything I could to to put on my game face for my girls. I didn't want to send out Christmas cards that didn't include her so I decided it wouldn't happen this year! Well God showed me!! On December 5th Amber and her family got the famous "knock on the door" by none other than Ty from Extreme Makeover Home Edition ABC!!!! They flew her to an incredible vacation spot and built her a dream home in 5 days!! God not only provided them a home but he provided us excitement and joy that was all about Mary Grace for us. We got to be a part of the whole process and unless they edit us out will be on the show in some form or another. I can't give away show stuff but it will air March 1st, so tune in to see yet another thing that Mary Grace helped accomplish in her sweet, short and amazing 7 hours of existence!! One of the hard things about not having Mary Grace here is not being able to do things for her. We can go to Kailey's school and Allison's dance recitals but that is void in our lives for our Mary Grace. It was THRILLING to be able to be a part of this process that was all about and all because of our sweet girl!! Here is our Christmas picture that God and Mary Grace made happen for us....

Thank you for your continued prayers for our family. We feel them and appreciate them so much. I pray that you all have a blessed 2009!

In my Christmas letter I ended with this:

One thing I have learned, let us never put God in a box! If you need a home He will provide. If you need some joy in your heart, He will put it there. If you need something as simple as sharing your family at Christmas time to include your angel in Heaven, He will make a way!! We pray God will bless and keep each of you this coming year.

Ephesians 3:19-20 “May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God. Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think.”

Remember Me?

2008-12-06T12:57:00.001-08:00

Hi Friends,

Remember me? I know it's been too long since I actually gave an update on me so I thought while I had a few quiet moments this afternoon, I better take the opportunity. Thank you for all your e-mails and comments wondering how we are and letting me know that you are still there praying for and thinking of me! It means
so much.

First...the baby is doing great. We had our 20 week ultrasound this past Monday and things looked really good. It's funny how when you go through what we have that you don't even look forward to what you may see on the screen. The questions you ask the tech now is things like, are the feet okay and not club feet? Do the hands look okay? Do you see any fluid around the brain? Are the four chambers of the heart there? Kailey and Allison went with us and I had a fear of that because of what they could see, but everything looked great. And when the Dr. said the baby is growing well and everything looks healthy the girls were so happy. Allison said on our way home the other day "Mommy if this baby lives and gets to come home....." It's heart breaking but reality for them. I have always been so thankful for the 7 hours we had with Mary Grace as some don't get anything, but more and more I have imagined what it would have been like to have had a little bit more time with her, to be able to walk into the front door from the hospital with her and have Kailey and Allison smother her. And I am starting to feel more comfortable in day dreaming about getting to bring this baby home and what it will be like to actually do the room and have the bassinet in our room ready for the baby to be here in our house. And when I am in a store and I hear that "newborn" cry my heart skips a beat and I imagine being able to hear that this time, feeling like it will be such a welcome sound and hoping that I do not get frustrated with that sound when I can't get it to stop:) Mary Grace didn't cry like that, she whimpered and I long to hear that cry.

At about week 18 I started to feel human again...I was really worried that I would never come back to myself but I am having more and more days of feeling good. I do have to face that my age is playing a role that I may not be able to do anything about:)JK.. But for the most part I feel good. I still have those days where I don't know what to do with myself and I know that I am suppose to be chasing an 11 month old around and it makes me feel lost. And now that I am starting to feel this little one kick and squirm which makes it feel more real, I see that hope that is in my future. Yes...I am still scared to look forward in fear of disappointment but I usually can quickly feel God pulling me back into the reality of my faith in Him. I realize that if He can bless me with 3 beautiful girls and to love me enough to give me Mary Grace at all...then I know His plans for me are good. How do people survive without Him and the hope we have in Him? I can't imagine!

I have taken Angie's lead (Poppy's mom) in "taking back Christmas" this year which is really putting me in the spirit. We are serving the families of Ronald McDonald House dinner this month with my neighbors and friends. Taking goodies to the nursing home. Helping to host our 3rd annual Happy Birthday Jesus party which includes bringing gifts to the community storehouse. Shopping for an angel from Salvation Army and hopefully more......and I can't express how great it feels to give - so much better than to receive. So...I encourage you if you haven't already started to get on board, it's never too late.

With all the good and blessings in my life, it's still so hard to be without Mary Grace. I am having a hard time sending or even thinking of my Christmas cards this year. Pictures of the girls seem void of our 3rd girl and a family picture isn't complete - this year the cards just may not happen. When I start to think of it, my mind shuts it down because nothing seems to include all of us. So...I am struggling with that. I was in WalMart today looking at Christmas decorations and my heart breaks...it breaks to not have a picture of Mary Grace at 11 months to put in a new ornament for her on the tree. To even know our tree is safe of her baby hands pulling it down this year makes it hurt to look a the tree at times. And to realize I don't have to shop for her, my 3rd girl is so hard. I plan to give a toy in her name, but we know it's not even close to filling that void I am talking of. I wanted someone so bad to see the tears in my eyes and to know that my little girl had died. To know that my life is void of her and always will be. I still struggle answering the question of how many kids do you have? I always include Mary Grace but no matter how I state it "I have one in Heaven, or my 3rd little girl died, or 3 girls and nothing else - I walk away feeling so yucky like I never feel right about how I have said it. If any of you guys have a way of saying it that makes you feel okay, or if you have ways of including your baby in Heaven in your Christmas cards or how you sign your names..please let me know. Maybe something will click for me.

Let me tell you and I would shout it if I could....God is so good. Through the good times and the bad, He is still so good. Through my darkest days I have never been alone. He has blessed me beyond anything that I deserve or could ever deserve and I am thankful every day for everything. I said at Thanksgiving it's so hard to find the balance in being sad and questioning why we do not have Mary Grace with us and to feel that bitterness of being cheated, and then to have that feeling of overwhelming gratitude for all that God has blessed us with and continues to bless us with. It's even the feeling of trying to find that balance that I am thankful for because without it, I would have never had Mary Grace. She is worth being in this position and God knows I will see her again, she will always be mine.

I am still praying for you all my friends. Even if I am not blogging or e-mailing as often, there isn't a day that goes by that I do not think of you and do not include you and everything going on in your life in my prayers. It's so wonderful to see the blessings that God is pouring on all of us. And if it's not as apparent in some of your lives, I have no doubt of God's good plan for you!! Jeremiah 29:11!!
My church is having a remembrance service Tuesday night. When I light the candle for Mary Grace I will be thinking of all you and your babies too - Mary Grace brought you to me and I am so thankful!
Thank you again for all your prayers....they are working...keep 'em coming!!

I wanted to share the picture of Mary Grace's head stone. I am so proud of it. It took 9 months but it was worth the wait. While in Kentucky at Thanksgiving we were able to see it since it has been placed. I know several of you have asked as it was something that had been bothering me. My sweet Uncle and Mom take care of it and it's such a comfort to know it is near my Grandma Hazlett. Love you all!

Faith Clare is on her way!!

2008-11-12T18:20:00.000-08:00

I got out of church tonight and got a text from Kenzie. Her water broke and Faith is on her way!! I just got home and ran to the computer to get an update and they think the baby may be here by around 9:00. Check her blog for updates, I can hardly contain myself!! The power of prayer is so beautiful!! I can't wait to see Deacon and Maddox's baby sister!!
http://thestanfieldjourney.blogspot.com/

Faith Clare....

2008-11-04T18:29:00.001-08:00

Hi Friends,
Kenzie is back in the hospital until sweet Faith Clare is in her arms. She is almost 35 weeks and little Faith seems to be at a good weight so they are going to just keep her in the hospital until she makes her grand entrance. They are hoping to keep her in her mommy's belly until at least 38 weeks but if anything should happen before then they will make a move.

Please check for updates on Kenzie's blog and keep her family in your prayers. It is very hard for her to be away from her honey and sweet Deacon. Dusty (Kenzie's husband) is pretty much taking on all the responsibilities of Deacon as well as his full time job and trying to see Kenzie as much as possible. They have really had to be patient and wait on the Lord and I know their reward will be great!!

Keep on praying for my sweet friend please.....

Eliot Mooney on Oprah again!!

2008-10-30T15:39:00.000-07:00

Hi Friends,

I know some of you watched Oprah on Tuesday and watched the video life diary clip of Eliot Mooney (99 balloons). It brought tears to my eyes and I have watched it a thousand times before. The show received so many comments about this sweet boy that Oprah is having the family on the live show tomorrow (Friday 10/31) for follow up. I loved watching how Jesus was so prevalent in the video on the Oprah show!!

Please watch if you can tomorrow. I do not promote Oprah but this is a tremendous opportunity for Trisomy 18 and for any other Trisomy awareness, well really any prenatal fatal diagnosis. I also think the timing of Eloit's video being played on Oprah is no coincidence as the most important election of our life is coming to a close. I think it will show that these sweet babies ARE compatible with life and that abortion does not have to be the only option as it has been presented to many of us! Mary Grace's 7 hours in my arms was worth everything that our family has endured. I would relive it a thousand more times if I could have those 7 hours back again. The joy of Mary Grace and these sweet babies totally outweigh any of the heart ache.

I was so proud of the Mooney family and their miracle boy Eliot. I was so proud of Mary Grace and all the sweet babies that I have met that are now in Heaven together. I praise Jesus every day for the opportunities and relationships that Mary Grace has brought to me.

I also urge you to be in your knees for the upcoming election. God's will be done.

It is You who made the heavens and the earth by Your great power and by Your outstretched arm! Nothing is too hard for You.

Jeremiah 32:17

As far as me, well thank you so much for all the prayers! I should have posted my good news way earlier because I do feel all your prayers. I am starting to feel a little better physically and am starting to have my sweet day dreams about this new little someone!! I have been scared and hesitant to let my mind and heart "go there" but God is directing them there anyway. He is so good all of the time!

Remember.....

2008-10-15T09:07:00.001-07:00

As many of you know and for those of you who do not, today, October 15th, is National Day of Remembrance for Pregnancy and Infant Loss. I ask that you join with me in praying for the millions of families who celebrate the blessing of the child or children they have lost (including miscarriage in any week of pregnancy).

I was talking to a friend yesterday who has also lost a precious girl to Trisomy 18 and has had a ectopic pregnancy. We talked about from the time we see the positive sign on a test stick or hear it from our Dr. for the first time, we are automatically in love with our baby growing inside of us, we are immediately Mothers with that love that God put within us. And whether we lose that child within weeks of hearing that news, or shortly after birth, or when they are 40 it is a loss like no other. I myself have had 2 miscarriages and the loss of Mary Grace after having her for only 7 short hours. They have each been a loss that will always be with me.

Today is not a day to mourn or be sad, today is a day to remember and to celebrate the sweet gifts that God chose to give us. We serve an amazing God who has a plan for each of us from the moment he knits us together in our Mother's womb. As I celebrate Mary Grace and my other two babies I never got to meet, I will also celebrate all the other babies I have had the pleasure to know and love without ever meeting them. I can thank my Mary Grace for so many things but especially for being the gift that brought these other babies and their Mommy's to me. May God bless your family today and always!

Psalm 139: 13-17: You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother's womb. Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is marvelous - how well we know it. You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion, as I was woven together in the dark of the womb. You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed. How precious are your thoughts about me, O God. They cannot be numbered!

I also ask my faithful friends and prayer warriors to pray for my new blessing. I am 13 weeks pregnant with a new little someone!! I am so thankful for this new blessing in our family! However, I have had a really hard couple of months emotionally. I am not sure how to even explain how I have felt. I thought that if we were blessed with another baby whether through pregnancy or adoption I would start feeling so much better, to have a reason to celebrate and to look forward. And God answered our prayers!! But.....I have felt horrible physically with no energy and my emotions have been really low, I have missed Mary Grace even more and the thought of not ever getting to have her here with me on earth in my arms have been more than I can bare. This baby by no means was meant to replace Mary Grace and even the thoughts of that horrifies me, but now that I have this baby the thoughts of it not being her has been there and has weighed heavily on my heart. To even admit that hurts but I have to share the truth, my real feelings as hard as it may be. I know it's not been very long and hormones could be a big culprit so just pray that I will start to feel better and enjoy this pregnancy as it will be my last. For the first time I feel my age dear friends plus some!!
I do want to let you know that we got our test results back from the 12 week nuchal translucency screening and everything looks good with no indications of any problems so far, Praise Jesus!! That has made me feel a little better mentally. This is the blood work that began the questions with Mary Grace and it was confirmed at around 18weeks.
I can not express to all of my faithful friends how much it has meant to have you in my life, to come here and to know that you guys are are still checking on me and praying for me and my family. It has been, at times, the only thing that keeps me going as this grief road can feel pretty isolating. Thank you for your continued prayers and know that even though I may not be leaving you as many comments on your blogs, I check on you and pray for you and yours daily, you will always be in my heart!

Jeremiah 29:11 : "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you: Plans to give you a hope and a future."

Feeling Sad Too

2008-09-26T10:40:00.000-07:00

I have just read a friend's blog and she simply titled it "feeling sad". I can so relate. I have been wanting to come here with something uplifting, profound and encouraging but this week I got nothin'. I always feel the pressure of wanting to give God nothing but praise through Mary's blog but this week, I have had a hard week, a week of feeling very sad. It's been one of those weeks where I simply ask God when I get out of bed, just to help me take care of my girls...and He has helped me do that. I can't imagine not having Him. With Him all things are possible and without Him there is no hope, there is nothing worth while.

Wednesday and today have been especially hard. Why? Don't know. Just days where I feel the weight of not having Mary Grace with us. Wednesday afternoon the girls were at a friend's house and I stayed in the bed. When she walked them home it was hard for me to hide that I had had a hard afternoon. Usually I am really good and putting the smile on but not this day. Kailey asked what was wrong , I told her I had a head ache, which was true. She asked if I had been crying I said yes. She said "Mommy do you have a head ache and a heart ache?" I simply said yes. That's it, as simple as that...a head ache and a heart ache, a really sad day. My sweet Kailey went on to say, "let's put on some Toby Mac, he will help you get in a good mood". She is right...we love us some Toby Mac!

I had to do the kids program that night at church and I wondered how in the world I would do it, I prayed that God would just get me through it. It was a really fun night with the kids and He once again gave me the energy that I could not have gotten on my own. This is yet another reminder, God is with us, He wants to help us and when we simply ask, when we simply rely on Him cause we got nothing in us to do it on our own.....He fills us up, He answers our crys.

Today while feeling the sadness I thought of this song we often sing in church, a song that never leaves me with any more tears to cry. But this I feel is my song, this is my heart's desire and I pray if you are in the pit today, the lyrics will bring you encouragement. This song speaks truth, He is there with us in all times!!

Verse 1
GOD IN MY LIVING
THERE IN MY BREATHING
GOD IN MY WAKING
GOD IN MY SLEEPING
GOD IN MY RESTING
THERE IN MY WORKING
GOD IN MY THINKING
GOD IN MY SPEAKING
Chorus
BE MY EVERYTHING
BE MY EVERYTHING
BE MY EVERYTHING
BE MY EVERYTHING
VERSE 2:
GOD IN MY HOPING
THERE IN MY DREAMING
GOD IN MY WATCHING
GOD IN MY WAITING
GOD IN MY LAUGHING
THERE IN MY WEEPING
GOD IN MY HURTING
GOD IN MY HEALING
BRIDGE:
CHRIST IN ME
CHRIST IN ME
CHRIST IN ME THE HOPE OF GLORY
YOU ARE EVERYTHING
CHRIST IN ME
CHRIST IN ME
CHRIST IN ME THE HOPE OF GLORY
BE MY EVERYTHING

New Kenzie update

2008-09-18T19:05:00.000-07:00

Kenzie is back in the hospital due to some bleeding. Baby Faith looks great but they are obviously wanting to check some things out so she will be in there a little bit. Please continue to pray. Her blog is up and running again so you can check on her there for updates. thestanfieldjourney.blogspot.com
Thanks for your faithfulness!

8 months since I held my sweet Mary Grace

2008-09-14T18:42:00.000-07:00

I can't believe it's been eight months since I held my precious 3 lb 15oz baby girl. Yet, it seems like a life time ago. I know I haven't posted an update about how I am doing and am really not quite with it tonight to do so, but I wanted you to remember my baby girl with me today. I still have my really hard days but to be honest, they feel good to me at times. Good to feel the realness of Mary Grace and her presence in my life, if that even makes sense. Thursday was particularly hard, not sure why, it wasn't a Monday - or the 14th which are the "typical" hard days, but I cried harder than I had in months and it was a relief actually - except for the major headache that followed:)

Let me just say that through it all - through the heart ache, the tears, the empty arms that literally ache, the heaviness of it all.....God is here. God is with us every step of the way. He is still good and I am grateful every minute of every day that He chose such a person as me to be that precious girl's Mommy. Mary Grace is perfect and when we sang this hymn in church this morning.......I am reminded that I long for Heaven even more......and I know He knows my heart, it's not just to see Jesus, Grandma Hazlett, Grandma Allen, Papaw or Grandpa Sisldorf or the others I've longed to see.....it is to see my Mary Grace, I will run to her first and I know He will understand.

When with the ransomed in glory
His face I at last shall see,
'twill be my joy through the ages
to sing of his love for me.

How marvelous how wonderful
and my song shall ever be
How marvelous how wonderful
is my Savior's love for me

I got a response from Kenzie today. She is safe, she is at home with family and is doing well. She had a hard day of contractions yesterday but hardly any today! Keep on praying like I know you will. God is our refuge and strength, our very help!!!

9/10 Update on Kenzie

2008-09-10T08:08:00.000-07:00

*****Since Kenzie's blog isn't up and running - I thought some of you would like to send her a message. She gave me permission to share her e-mail address and I know she would love to know you are thinking of her:) I am sure she misses the comments on her blog - some days it's the only thing that keeps us going......
Her e-mail is: Kenzie.stanfield@yahoo.com

Hi Everyone,

Here is the text I just received from Kenzie:

"Yeah!! Working on discharge papers now. Faith had one decel last night but no noticeable pattern. She looks good & I'll go to an office appointment on Monday. Thx 4 Prayer"

PRAISE JESUS!!!

"Do not fear, for I am with you, do not be afraid, for I am your God: I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with My victorious right hand." Isaiah 41:10

New Update on Kenzie and Baby Faith

2008-09-09T13:29:00.000-07:00

**Praise Report - Kenzie said she is going to be able to get copies of all her blog. I am not sure when/if her blog will be restored but at least we know she has that.
She said that she is having some more/new contractions....keep praying!!

Hi Friends,
I know everyone is so concerned about Kenzie and Baby Faith especially since her Blog page is out of commissioin. So when I spoke to Kenzie today she asked that I give everyone an update.

First - Kenzie's contractions are stable right now, the medication seems to be keeping things under control for the most part. She thought she may get to go home today but the Doctor told her that they had noticed Faith's heart rate being low a few times during the last few nights. He mentioned that it probably isn't anything but that with her history he wanted to keep her a few more days. I am so glad they are being cautious with her and sweet Faith. Continue to pray for the contractions to be under control and for Faith's heart rate to be okay. Faith Clare seems to continue to be strong, praise Jesus!

Kenzie is not sure what is going on with her blog, but it has been shut down as well as her face book and two e-mail accounts. She is obviously very upset about this and is hoping and praying that their is a history of her blog or record that they can retreive. Please pray about this, I know it's not near the scale of everything else that is going on with her and Faith, but it's 1 1/2 years of Kenzie's heart and soul of her journey with precious Maddox. Pray that the company can get her blog page back and have the history with it.

She is so grateful for everyone's thoughts, prayers, calls and messages. Her Mom is on her way today so I know that will be good for her, Deacon and Dusty.

I will keep you posted as I hear anything else. God bless you all for being so faithful in your prayers for all of us and our families.

Update on Kenzie and Baby Faith Clare

2008-09-05T08:47:00.000-07:00

I just got a text from Kenzie that they are trying to regulate her medication to stop the contractions. When they give her the amount that stops the contractions she feels really bad so when they back off a little the contractions start up. So they are trying to work it out. She will be in the hospital for several days it seems, which I am actually glad about so they can keep a close eye on that sweet baby. Please continuing praying for Kenzie and precious Faith.

Please pray for Kenzie and Baby Faith Clare

2008-09-04T08:29:00.000-07:00

Hi Friends,
As you know, one of the sweetest girls I have met through this trisomy 18 journey is Kenzie Stanfield - Maddox's sweet mommy. From the moment I met her we had a connection, not just because our baby angels are in Heaven, but because of our hearts. It's hard to explain the connection but I feel like she has been a part of my whole life and I have only spent time with her face to face twice. We will be life long friends I know. I remember so many details of her and sweet Maddox's journey as me and Mary Grace went through ours. Sweet,beautiful and heart breaking details.

When I met her in Austin in May to talk about our sweet angels, she had a little belly growing already with a new miracle little girl. Since then I have prayed for this sweet baby and for Kenzie, that she would have peace about this pregnancy and enjoy every minute of it.

I received a text message from her last night saying that she went to the Dr. and he admitted her into the hospital because she was in preterm labor at 26 weeks. I immediately began to pray and while waking up in the middle of the night twice immediately prayed. I got an update from her this morning and contractions have slowed down, she will be on bed rest and hopefully will get to go home tomorrow. I have such a peace about this but ask that you pray for Kenzie and Faith as they go through the rest of this pregnancy. I ask that God keeps that baby in her mommy's belly so that she will continue to grow and be knit together perfectly! Pray for peace and comfort for Kenzie as bed rest is not easy with another little boy in the house.

God's plan is perfect, I believe it and I will hold tight to it.

"God's peace...is far more wonderful than the human mind can understand. His peace will keep your thoughts and your hearts quiet and at rest as you trust in Christ Jesus." Phil 4:7

Prayers Needed....

2008-08-24T13:32:00.000-07:00

Hi Friends,
Yesterday I went to the celebration of life service for Jonathan Elijah Peterson. He blessed his family for 31 days on earth and will continue to bless them while he is with Jesus. I ask that you continue to pray for this dear family as they continue to miss there little boy. Jonathan's parents are Heidi and Joel and his little sister is Annika. He had Trisomy 18.

I also ask that you lift up the Paige Family. Their precious boy Christian Dale Paige was born on Monday August 18th. He went to be with Jesus on Friday August
22nd. He also had Trisomy 18 and was Ryan and Leah's first born son. Please visit their blog and let them know you are praying for them: http://thenaplespaiges.blogspot.com/

Is.43:2a-3a "When you pass through the waters, I will be with you. And when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you....For I am the Lord you God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior."

Ps. 27:13-14 "I would have despaired unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; Be strong and let your heart take courage; Yes, wait for the Lord."

Mother of three?

2008-08-15T02:08:00.000-07:00

One of my “hang-ups” for lack of a better term, when losing Mary Grace was the fact that I have physically given birth to three babies and only have 2 with me. I have had 5 pregnancies and only have 2 babies with me. It’s hard to take and I know I have posted before about what an empty feeling it is and all the sadness that comes with it. How sad it is to know that I should be taking care of a baby right now, feeding her, waking up with her and getting frustrated that she may not be sleeping through the night yet:). Yes there is much sadness in this but I have to tell you that I wouldn’t trade the sadness for the joy I feel in my heart. I often catch myself wondering, “am I a mother of three REALLY?” When someone asks how many children I have and I have answered “two” because it’s easier……and I walk away with that pit in my stomach that I didn’t say three, it’s tough. When I have had the panic attacks and have fled to the bathroom to see Mary’s scar just to insure she really happened, it hurts. But I know, thank God, that I am truly a mother of three. Praise Jesus.

I have really had a peace about this lately. I have had an air about me and my head is held high that yes…I am a mother of three. I have three baby girls, two are with me and one is with her heavenly Father. I do not see her physically around me, but there is no doubt that she is in my heart, she is real, I feel her…and that sweet girl brings me joy. Would I choose to have her with me? Yes…..but I trust God in this…it’s not always easy, but I do.

I sometimes sing to myself (and out loud in the car when nobody is with me) “since Mary came into my heart, since Mary came into my heart, floods of joy ore my soul like the sea billows roll…since Mary came into my heart:)”.

Today I took Kailey to chick-fil-a for a get together with her class from last year. She has a great group of little girl friends and an awesome teacher. There were two moms there with little babies, a boy 3 months old and a girl brand new. When I saw them of course my first thoughts are of Mary Grace, but it wasn’t horrible. I didn’t feel bad or sad, God is good to me in these instances. Kailey was over by the mom with the baby girl (she is drawn to babies) and she yelled across the room to me “Mom, how old would Mary Grace be?” and truly there was not a feeling of ‘oh no let’s not go here” I said proudly, “7 months” with a smile (a real one) on my face, and I watched Kailey tell the mom 7 months. She didn’t have sadness on her face, Kailey proudly talked about her sister being 7 months. It felt sweet to me, it felt okay to me and honestly I loved it. I love it when Allison will sometimes still insist on setting a place mat for Mary Grace at the dinner table. Mary is a living part of our family, she is in our hearts and she is real!

I was talking with someone about Trisomy 18 and how it is a “fluky” chromosomal thing, not age related like so many would believe. Now this is something I have said so many times……but for the first time when I said “fluky” I didn’t like it, it felt horrible to me. So I back paddled and said but you know, Mary Grace was not a fluky thing, she was exactly perfect for us. I feel so proud of my third little girl and all that she has accomplished not only on this earth, but also in me. She has changed me and even with all the sadness and all the hard days, I love what Mary Grace has brought to me, the changes I feel in my heart. Again I would not trade one second of Mary Grace for anything.

We talked about faithfulness in our bible study this week. We talked about all the people that had faith in God and a lot of them didn’t even get to see what God accomplished through their life long suffering, they just obeyed Him and trusted Him. Now they are reaping the benefits of Heaven, an eternal reward. It was another reminder of all that I do have, all the good that God has given me and yes, I don’t like the fact that Mary died one bit, but God gave her to me, she is mine…how can there not be joy in that? How can I not feel blessed even if only to have her for 7 hours in my arms? How can I not praise Him every day of my life for such a gift?! I told my friends one night that I am the lucky one, the blessed one and I am so thankful that God chose me to be Mary’s mom, I am so thankful that He gave her to me.

When I meet a new mom that has had to endure or will have to endure the loss of her child, it truly breaks my heart. I can feel so discouraged by it. But when I know that Jesus is her Savior, I have a peace that she will be okay. I know that she WILL find the joy in this circumstance. I know that she WILL be blessed for her faithfulness and it comforts me!

“Suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not disappoint us, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts.” Romans 5:3-5

So….is everything perfect? No. Is everything okay? No. Are the hard and sad days behind me? No. Will there be a day when I see a baby and will not get sad or mad? Yes. Will I never again question God and what His purpose is? Absolutely NO. But…I will take it, ‘cause I am a mother of three precious sweet and perfect little girls. How sweet it is!

“The Lord will guide you always; He will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame. You will be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail.” Isaiah 58:10-12

Prayer Request - Baby Jonathan Peterson

2008-08-11T10:32:00.000-07:00

Hi Friends,
I am on a little trip with my husband right now. His parents came from MD to watch the girls while I joined him for a few days on a business trip.
I have an important prayer request that I need you to be praying about. The photographer who took Mary Grace's pictures has become a very dear friend of mine. She told me of another Mom she had met who's baby had been diagnosed with T-18. Baby Jonathan was born a month ago and his family has been blessed with some precious time with him. Amber (my friend) called this morning and told me that he passed away early this morning. I have corresponded a few times via e-mail with his precious mom Heidi. My heart breaks for this family right now. I ask that you be on your knees praying for this family today and in the weeks to come. We know that sweet Jonathan is in Heaven dancing with Jesus now in perfection and I praise Him for that, but we also know that a family has empty arms that should be filled with their sweet boy. This bitter/sweet feeling is tough to balance, so I pray God will give them the peace that only comes from Him and that He will carry them in His hand!

Thank you Jesus for your promises, we will hold on dearly to them.

My Old Kentucky Home

2008-07-28T10:37:00.000-07:00

Well I am back in Texas from my trip HOME to Kentucky. Back to the piles of laundry, paperwork, bills, housework and piles and piles of REALITY. My time in Kentucky was good. I had lots of time with family and friends. I got to see everyone (minus just a few) of some of the most important people in my life. There was no schedule; no agenda just spending time with family and it was good. Mom was off for summer break and so was my Sister. I had lots of time with them and it was so nice. My Mom’s neighbor had a cat that just had kittens and some how they ended up on Mom’s back porch. The girls loved them. We had to force them to put them down some so they could nurse from their mommy. It was so neat to see that even a Cat mommy could love her kittens so much. I was able to share a cup of coffee every morning with Mom and sit on her back porch until it was too hot. We were blessed to have time with cousins that visited with us from Nashville. The girls played non-stop with their other cousins and so I barely saw them for 10 days except for when they still wanted their nightly song and prayers from Mommy. I was also able to spend some good time with my Dad, made him some hot fudge brownie sundaes and was reminded how much he really loves his family. He loves having us all together and you can tell. The thing the girls talk about the most when going to Pa and Grandma's house is that Pa will take them shopping and buy them everything they want, and he does every time which leaves me purging some old stuff when I get home. It's worth it though cause they love it. I was also blessed with some time with Emily (Miller Graces' Mommy). We met half way, an hour drive for each of us, had dinner and spent a lot of time talking with that comfort level we have with each other. I am so thankful for her.

Reality: when I said that earlier I realize it sounds pretty negative. And believe me there are times it is pretty dog gone negative. When coming back from KY I felt pretty strong. I had lots of down time without a ”to do” list to just reflect on things, reflect on the type of Mother and Wife I long to be, the type my kids and Chris deserve. How I want to be the person God wants me to be. When coming back I had in my mind, it’s a new day, a new chapter and I feel good and I am going to be different, I am not going to carry so much sadness with me, I choose to be better. Then I woke up in my bed Friday morning, not refreshed and ready to conquer the world, but defeated. The reality of being back in this house without my 3rd daughter hit hard. Where does it come from out of the blue? How can it happen so quickly and rob me of so much? How can life just go on with out her? Geez I thought I was past this! But after moping around for the past few days I realize I will never be past it. I will purposely and deliberately have to die daily, hourly, sometimes minute by minute to the desire of my flesh to give up, to let satan have his way with me, to let satan defeat me and steel the Joy I know that I have, the Joy that Mary Grace brought to me and our family. And besides, getting past “it” means getting past her. I never want to get past her and so with the grief and with the hurt comes the Joy and happiness in having one of the best things in the world, Mary Grace. So REALITY is also sweet and precious and good. With God, and only with Him, I can live this life with Mary in Heaven and still have all that God intended for me, I am His child and His plans are not to harm me but to prosper me.

Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you: Plans to give you a hope and a future.”

When I got to Kentucky Monday night the 14th, we went to Mom’s house and I went to Mary’s grave by myself. I was kind of anxious and didn’t know how I felt about the whole thing. The last 6 months I have longed to go to her grave and spend time with her and now I had the chance. I was a little nervous about the whole thing and on my drive to the cemetery I almost felt sick. I didn’t even stop to buy flowers like I originally thought I would because I just wanted to be there. When I got their I expected to still see fresh dirt, not sure why since it had been 6 months but that’s what I expected. But, there was grass like it had been there for 100 years, nothing was new and fresh but the hanging basket of flowers my dear Uncle Edgar had placed there. There was only a little grave marker with her name and date on it because her head stone was not ready in time to be placed yet (long stinky story). As I sat down in the grass beside her I just couldn’t believe that I was now one of “those” Moms who sit at their children’s grave. How could this be me? I sang to Mary Grace and then…. I started getting bit by what seemed like 1,0000 mosquitoes. I felt kind of aggravated because I just wanted to sit there and talk to her but couldn’t concentrate on what I was singing or saying because I was getting bit. I mean come on…this is what I have longed for since I was back on the plane to Texas in January. This is not what I pictured in my mind what sitting at her grave would be like. Then as the frustration seemed to build it’s like God was telling me, see Kim this is not where Mary Grace is. She is with Me and she is happy and healthy and perfect and having fun. She has been as much with you when you go to your closet and weep for her as she is with you here and now at her grave. I realized that it’s nice to be able to sit at her grave, make sure it looks nice since this is where we put her to rest, but it’s not where she is. I do not have to be here to sing to her, to talk to her, to cry or laugh with her. I have had to fight the thoughts that it is her sweet body that I held laying beneath the dirt, but I know that is from satan and that my daughter is simply not there. She is with her Creator, she is with our King and she is good. Who knew that God could use Mosquitoes?

I have never been that Christian who feels like I hear God audibly. I have desired it and wondered what He sounded like so I would know if I ever did, but I never have. I have always thought that maybe I wasn’t a good enough Christian and didn’t have the relationship with Him that I needed to in order to hear Him. But the few times lately that my mind has shut off, I have heard Him. He doesn’t really have a sound but He has spoken softly to me and it has been beautiful. I know it was Him at Mary’s grave, it has not only been His voice but His touch in my closet many times when I have been on my face with despair. It was even Mary that day in the kitchen when I was so upset and she spoke to me and told me that she was not given to me by our God to let Satan defeat me, she was not intended to bring me despair but to bring me pure Joy. And oh she has brought me such pure joy, the kind you can’t really explain when such grief comes with it, but it’s there.

Just as sure as Jesus was not there in that grave on the third day, my sweet daughter Mary Grace was not there in Stanford Kentucky underneath dirt in a tiny white casket. No… she is in Heaven with Jesus, the one who died for us and made it possible for us to be together in perfection forever. Praise Him for giving Mary Grace to me, Praise Him for giving us Jesus, Praise Him for perfecting her and holding and loving her until I get there………

Deeper Still a Divine Appointment

2008-07-17T13:51:00.000-07:00

Emily (sweet Miller Grace's Mom) was asked to write an entry about our weekend in Atlanta at the Deeper Still conference. She writes beautifully. When you have a minute please read it, it's yet another blessing from that weekend, and another blessing from our sweet babies!

http://blogs.lifeway.com/blog/deeperstill/2008/07/deeper_still_a_divine_appointm.html

Happy 6 Months sweet Mary Grace!

2008-07-14T05:06:00.000-07:00

Happy Birthday baby girl!! We miss you and love you and celebrate your life. What I wouldn't give to relive January 14, 2008 @ 7:15 a.m.! To be able to hold your sweet precious self and to feel your perfect nose against my cheek again. I know you will be having a sweet 6 month birthday party with Jacob Ryan and will be celebrating with all your new little friends and with your Grandma Hazlett, Grandma Allen, Grandpops Silsdorf and more.....
You are precious and I can't thank God enough for choosing me, choosing us to have you. You are perfect, you are everything.
Psalms 139........

Six months ago......

2008-07-12T10:34:00.000-07:00

I was getting things ready to have Mary Grace. I had found out Wed. that our prayers had been answered and she had turned head down and was ready. I was so relieved because I had never had a c-section and I was scared of the risks, the surgery recovery, not knowing how much time I would have with Mary and being scared to be out of it due to the surgery. My family was all here, we were heading to the build a bear workshop so that Kailey and Allison could make their sister a bear to give her at the hospital. I enjoyed a big buffet at the Golden Coral and was looking forward to some ice cream. We headed to church on Sunday morning and I realized that it would probably be the last service that I had Mary Grace with me, that she would probably never be sitting in an infant carrier beside my pew - it was quite emotional. We came home to get packed and headed to the hospital Sunday night. At 11:00 p.m. they checked me before they gave me the medicine I needed to "get started" and Mary Grace had seemed to move back to breech. I was so confused on how God answered what seem to be like the only prayer so far and now even that was not the case. But then I had a weird kind of peace about it, maybe because I knew that within minutes of going into surgery I would for sure be holding my baby girl. Then 7:00 a.m. rolled around quickly - and at 7:15 a.m. one of the most incredible miracles was being held right up to my cheek, she was crying this precious little cry (which they said she never would cry) and as I immediately started singing to her, I knew how great my God is and just how many prayers he had answered just to have her there by my cheek! That day was perfect. The 7 hours with Mary Grace was perfect and I can't even begin to tell you how many prayers God answered in our lives that very day.

Now....six months later I am pretty lonely for my Mary Grace. My arms feel very heavy today. I have had a lump in my throat that hurts from holding back the tears all morning but are freely flowing right now. I am confused....I am scared....I am mad....I am hurt....I am lonely....I am disappointed....I am stuck......but I do have JOY. Joy is so prevalent within me and it's hard to explain but I know God has me...I know He is carrying me. And in those really mad moments...moments like when I look at pictures from January 14th and I see the love and smiles in Mary Grace's sisters face when they look at her and are holding her, and I think oh God..they should have got to keep her...why???? It last a moment and I hold on to the times when Kailey says to me "Mommy at least we get to be with her forever in Heaven". Because Heaven is forever, this world it but a fleeting moment.

Oh and remember that prayer that God must not have really answered, the one where I ended up having to have a c-section? Well, thank God He knows what we need, He knows what is right for us....because when I get the panicky feeling of "did Mary Grace really happen, did I really have her?" I can run to my bathroom mirror and lift my shirt and see the proof, feel the proof. Oh I am so thankful for that scar, the scar I do not put anything on to fade it - cause I love, love, love it. Thank you Jesus for what seems like those unanswered prayers.

Monday will be six months since my Mary Grace started dancing with Jesus....I am flying to Kentucky and I will sit at my daughters grave, I will sing to her and I will praise my Jesus for the third greatest gift in my life.

Psalm 90:14 "Satisfy us in the morning with your unfailing love, that we may sing for joy and be glad all our days."
Thank you Megan.

Ain't God Good?!!

2008-07-03T15:14:00.000-07:00

How amazing it is to look into the eyes of 7 other women who have had to let their babies leave from their arms. How amazing it is to see and hear them praise the God that allowed it to happen. How amazing it is to listen to how perfect God’s plan played out in each of our lives (and for us to know it was perfect) with the end result being the same. How amazing it is to smash pottery and take a peace of each other’s to create something that includes all of us and to do it with laughter and not bitterness. How amazing it is to worship our loving Savior with 19,000 other women who probably have similar stories or ones of their own that are just as horrific. How amazing it is to be with 7 other girls that I have never even met (excluding my precious Kenzie and Emily) and to feel like we have all been life long friends, meeting up for the weekend. How amazing it is to love them and their babies with all my heart and soul and to create a lifelong bond/friendship that regardless if I ever will get to see them all again, will always be a part of me. I could go on and on with these thoughts but now you see why I ask “Ain’t God Good?!!”

The Lord blessed me with an amazing weekend! I can not even begin to tell you how much fun we had together while laughing, crying, singing, dancing and praising God with all that we have in us. It is Thursday a week later and it will probably take me another 3 weeks to get caught up on sleep – One other woman (will not mention names) and I are the only ones who are probably too old for this kind of weekend (yes we were the joke of generational things, how did I get here?). I roomed with Emily, Kenzie and Karen and the first night we got 4 ½ hours sleep, the second night we got 45 MINUTES worth of sleep and the third night we got 3 ½ hours sleep! Kenzie did get more sleep because she’s gotta take care of that little GIRL she is having! I realize that I can’t hang with the young folk any more and that although I did not feel like 38 when I got there (gotta be honest with that number since I am a Christian) I feel like it now!! Reality is so wrong!! Hee hee

I want to praise God for orchestrating such a perfect time of praise, worship, love and friendship. I want to praise Him for Mary Grace, Maddox, Miller Grace, Isaac, Asher, Tristan, Poppy Joy, Jacob Ryan and Eva Janette. I want to thank these babies for bringing their Mommies into my life. And although we would never choose to be a part of this “club” I could never imagine going through this without these woman. I know because of this trip it seems I feel this way exclusively about them, but realize this weekend and this post is to describe them, but there are so many other babies and Mommies who mean just as much to me and that I could not imagine not having known them as well (too many to mention for fear of accidentally leaving someone out, because of my age you know). I love you all!

I am so thankful that I live in this day and age where it’s possible to grieve like this, to have this outlet, to have other Mommies who are able to connect with me throughout the world. I am so thankful that families are willing to share themselves with me so that I do not have to do this alone, that Woman reach out to me and share their journeys, it means the world. I do not take for granted that this is a blessing to be able to find each other in this way. I can’t imagine loosing a baby and not having this outlet, not having photographs and videos and my heart breaks for any Mother who has lost a baby without these resources because it has been my saving grace.

This conference included three speakers (Kay Authur, Beth Moore and Priscilla Shirer), Travis Cottrell and his praise Team and Mandessa (she is so beautiful with an incredible testimony – one of my favorites). Everything and everyone was amazing. Kenzie had mentioned in her blog that the teachings from Priscilla Shirer spoke to her particularly. I have to agree without being a copycat that this was the thing that spoke to me the most. She spoke from Exodus 19 of the Israelites in their wilderness period, how that God took them to the furthest point away from the land of blessings to the wilderness to “camp out”. How that in the wilderness where God brings us to, we need to camp out, we have to kneel face down, we have to pitch our tent and trust Him. And that through this trust, through this relationship that we can have with God if we choose it, we will find our mountain. Lord I will surrender to this and I will camp out! As she said “it is more safe in the wilderness with God than out of the wilderness without God”. AMEN!

P.S. I had to edit this blog to make sure to include our sweet Sister in Christ Kirsten. She lives in CA and happened (not by chance thank you Jesus) to be in Atlanta for another reason, looked us up and shared some wonderful time with us. She has been part of this journey and has lifted us up in prayer. She too lost a baby during her pregnancy and has held on tightly to God and His promises so beautifullly. Kirsten, thank you for meeting with us, sharing this with us...I will continue to pray for you as God takes you through this wilderness to the mountain!

Thank you to everyone who prayed for us and our trip, your excitement for us, your support of us has been so wonderful. I feel as much love from you all as I do from my new lifelong best friends. You are all as much a part of this as us and I praise God for you. Because of all your love, my cup runneth over!

For whosoever shall give you a cup of water to drink in my name, because ye belong to Christ, verily I say unto you, he shall not lose his reward. Mark 9:41

Prone to Wonder.....

2008-06-12T16:20:00.000-07:00

Lord I feel it, prone to leave the God I love. Here's my heart Lord take and seal it, seal it for thy courts above.

I am sure you know by now that I LOVE christian music. It ministers to me like nothing else. And more than that I LOVE hymns. I love singing them to my girls. I love knowing why they were written (especially since I was given Mary Grace). When I am having a "moment" and words come to me that I can't figure out where they come from or what song it is...I love being able to go to my hymnal and find it and get excited to introduce it to my girls. Since a lot of churches have gone to mostly praise music (which my church does and I love) I still want my girls to grow up having the old Hymns in there hearts. Cause man how much it has meant to me, in my happiest and in my darkest moments. It's like knowing the bible and going through something in your life and just having the word of God in your heart to help you through it, verses like Phil. 4:8 "Finally Brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable...if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think on such things". Unfortunately I am horrible at memorizing verses...but songs.....I know the words to songs and I can break out in a song at any given moment.

Sunday my girls and their Memom was outside playing in the driveway, I wasn't sure where Chris was, and I was fixing dinner and my heart had been stirring since the message at church that morning. I was engulfed with thoughts of Heaven and Mary Grace, looking out the window at her tree (again it means the world to me to have that tree!) and feeling oh so emotional. I had the radio on and one of my favorite songs came on : Let it Fade by Jeremy camp ( on my play list to listen to) and I could not get to the volume knob fast enough!! I ran to it, blasted the music, closed my eyes and starting lifting my hands up to the sky and when I opened my eyes Chris was standing there and I totally lost it...I collapsed in his arms and wept and it felt so good! He asked what made you think of her? and I said I always think of her. He said no I mean was it the song that made you think of her? I said no..I mean I ALWAYS think of her. I love my husband and he is the most awesome man in the world, but please! Mary Grace is a constant in my mind - there isn't any one thing that makes me think of her - my thoughts are always on her. How can a person explain that? A Mother's thoughts are always on her children, and there's no way to explain it.

Now...there are things all the time that trigger certain thoughts. Like the hair in the drain (Emily calls it Chubacka which totally cracks me up) triggers the thoughts of my body recovering from having a baby but she isn't here with me. My tight "big" clothes remind me that I have baby weight and she isn't here with me. My arms that literally ache at times remind me that I will never hold Mary Grace in my earthly arms again. When I go to see Kailey dance in her recital (which she was amazing) it reminds me that I will never get to see Mary Grace dance on stage. When I put sunscreen on my girls I think that I should have a third sweet girl standing in line waiting to be lubed up. When I go through clothes I have to remember that I do not need to save them for Mary Grace. When I walk in the office I am reminded that it's not a nursery. When I run to the grocery store I do not need to make sure my baby girl is fed up to last her three hours so Chris can stay home with the three girls. When I register Allison for Kindergarten I think of not having alone time with Mary Grace for 3 hours while Allison is in school. When I see Kailey in the seat next to Allison in our van, I am reminded that she is not in the back so that Mary can sit there in her infant car seat. When I think of Mary Grace being 5 months old I am reminded that I do not have to clear space in my cabinets to make room for baby food. I can go on and on.....so what made me think of her? I ALWAYS think of sweet Mary Grace........I love you sweet girl.

And then I hear a sermon preached, a sermon about God calling me to make an eternal difference and what am I building into eternity? Am I building with Gold/Silver/precious stones or hay and stubble? When I get to Heaven I will hear enter in, thanks to Jesus Christ's blood and His Grace, but will I hear "well done thy good and faithful servant" or will I just get a shrug? And I visualize my Mary Grace entering into Heaven and Jesus holding her, dancing with her, pitching her up in the air and saying "well done Mary Grace, I am so very proud of you". And it thrills my heart and soul!!!!!!!! She came into this world for 7 short hours and made such an ETERNAL impact on so many many people that it really makes her Momma proud. And she makes me want to make her proud, she makes me want to make my God proud, my Savior proud. She makes me want exist for eternity. She makes me want to be a better Mommy to Kailey and Allison, a better wife to Chris, a better Daughter, Sister, Friend.......

I know I gotta long way to go. I know I am struggling, struggling with anger, bitterness, anxiety, eating, must I go on? But we (God and me) will get this done. When I was feeling sorry for myself this weekend and I was letting my strong holds get a hold of me, I could literally hear Mary Grace saying to me "mommy this is not what I want for you, this is not what God intended, this is not why God gave me to you, I want you to be happy, I want you to be okay for my sisters...I am here, I always will be...it's okay to be okay, I am yours and I will be waiting for you!"

I get exhausted a lot by being okay in front of people. I mean I really do not intend on "faking it" I really do not try to put on a front...it's just not me to be down in front of others. I am the type of person where I want everyone to be happy, I do not want anyone to feel uncomfortable or down, I want everyone to be okay so it's not something I mean to do, it's just me. But I can finally just get exhausted by it and that's when I have my down times. But this is grief, this is sadness and longing for my Mary Grace...and I know my Father is okay with it. But I know too that He wants more from this and I will give it to Him.....I will............

Keeping praying my friends, keep praying that I do not waste any of this.......

Pistol Packin' Momma

2008-06-02T19:16:00.000-07:00

This is my new nick name for Kenzie and it cracks me up every time I think of it.
Some of you have read Kenzie's blog but for those of you who haven't let me tell you about Saturday.
First let me start by saying GOD IS SO GOOD!! There is a lot of tragedy, a lot of heart ache, a lot of disappointment, but...there is also so much to be joyful about, to be happy about, to praise Him about and Kenzie is at the top of my list. (Along with all my new found friends).
Kenzie and I live about 5 1/2 hours from each other and have talked for a while about getting together. So....Saturday was a day that worked out for both of us and we met in the middle in Austin. Kenzie was there a little bit before me so she got parked and waited. I pulled up and picked her up on the side of the street in Downtown Austin and from the moment she sat in my car...it's as if I knew her my whole life. The first thing Chris said when he saw our picture was that we could be sisters...and I said "we are, soul sisters!"
Well..we headed off to get some famous green chili cheese fries (boot camp is over!) at the famous Shady Grove in Austin. We talked about our precious angels, our families, our gripes, our questions, our fears, our praises and the list goes on. After sitting there for a few hours and I am sure annoying our waiter who was losing tips, we decided to head down the road and do some sight seeing and walking around. The light turned greened - I had to wait for a pedestrian to cross and BOOM. We got rear ended. We pulled into a Whataburger and once I found out everyone was okay..the laughs began. I mean really.....we are 1 in 3,000 and the odds proved themselves yet again...we couldn't help but to laugh. After spending 2 1/2 hours in the whataburger parking lot waiting for the cops......they came and gave us a sheet to fill out, no police report and said see ya! Now...during the wait, I witnessed a person walking with a belt and bracelet made of bullets...couldn't motion to Kenzie cause he had a back pack too and I just knew we would make the 10 o clock news. After he was out of site I told Kenzie and she then tells me she is licenced to carry a fire arm...what! Kenzie, sweet precious Kenzie? Well...now she is "Pistol Packin' Momma" to me! Cracks me up!
We finished the day with more laughs, some tears, more good food (boot camp is REALLY over), great conversation, and regret that we hadn't planned to spend the night and have more time together. Good Times!

I am so thankful for Mary Grace, Maddox, Miller Grace, Tristan, Poppy, Eva, Madeline, Happy...really the list is so much that if I continued I would be devastated to leave anyone out! You know who you are....I love you all, I love your babies, I love your hearts, I love and Praise the one and only God who has brought us together. There was nothing like looking into the eyes of another Mommy who got it. Who knew exactly what I was saying even if she felt differently or her story played out differently than mine. Friends...we gotta reach out, we gotta be there for each other, we can't waste this...these gifts that God has given us.

On another note, a note that breaks my heart deeply...please pray for the Fahmer Family. Jacob was born the same day as Mary Grace. I have loved reading about him, watching him grow, watching him beat all the odds and touch the world every day, all 139 of them. I have imagined through watching Jacob, Mary Grace and where she would be if she was still here with me. Sweet Jacob is now with Mary Grace in the arms of our Savior Jesus Christ. Please pray without ceasing for this family. It's never enough time..... http://fahmer.blogspot.com

God is great but sometimes life ain't good!

What a day that will be.....

2008-05-30T07:54:00.000-07:00

I am writing today but let me warn you, my brain is pretty much mush. It’s filled with so much stuff that I do not know where to begin and do not know how it will end. I am overwhelmed with my “to do” list, the piles that lay before me from paperwork to laundry, the endless piles of papers that come home from school (to keep or not to keep so they all just lay there), the things I need to get accomplished and off of my plate but I just can’t seem to move forward with any of it. Yesterday I bought two bags of groceries and walked past them a hundred times and just couldn’t put them away (besides the stuff that HAD to go in the refrigerator). I mean really, it was grapes, some broccoli, bread and apples and I seriously could not put it away. How can that weigh on a person? I mean it’s a few groceries for goodness sakes, not finding a cure for cancer or solving global warming. So is this depression, the feeling of hopelessness at times when you can’t even do a simple thing? I think that’s why when I get dinner on the table 5 out of 7 nights I feel like I should get an award for such an accomplishment, who cares if it’s spaghetti or "just add water" pancakes (with calcium at least).

I have been trying to limit my computer time as it was starting to get out of control. I was spending hours here and when it’s the first place Kailey or Allison look for me, I thought that was a sign. But it is a place where I do not feel so alone. I now just try to check to see how everyone is doing (2 to 3 a day). I have to say there have been some really exciting things happening with my friends, miracles and displays of God’s grace and power, but it has also been a tough few weeks of adding to my prayer list and feeling discouraged that so many people’s lives are changing due to similar circumstances to mine. Whether it be difficulties in raising a special needs child, death before birth, death after birth or SIDS…it’s just crazy. I sometimes feel that it may be best for me right now if I just stayed away from the computer all together so the reality of this life will not bring me down further, but there’s just no way. There is no way I can be comfortable knowing that God is specifically putting people in my life for me to pray for, people who need and covet our prayers. I can’t ignore it, I can’t walk away from it…who am I to think that it’s okay to just safely get through this life with as little grief as possible. I look around me and am reminded all that I am blessed with, my home, clothes on my back, a beautiful family, my stomach has never felt TRUE hunger, the bills are paid. Yes I have lost one of the most precious gifts that has ever been given to me and I would trade all of the stuff to have Mary Grace back, but I will not be separated from her forever (this world is not our home, we’re just a passin’ through). Because of what Jesus did for me, I have the promise of having it ALL for eternity, not just this brief moment in time. If given the choice I choose eternity not this ole’ world.

Well today was my last day of my 4-week boot camp. I decided to jump in a have something kick my butt and I finished it. Let me tell you that there was hardly a day that went by that I would not get back into my car, with not a dry thread on my body, and not have a break down on the way home. I was pretty much ticked the whole time, especially when I would wear the wrong shorts and my inner thighs would remind me during the whole run! I mean first I thought….am I actually paying for this, for someone to kick my butt like this? Second I was mad the whole time trying to lose baby weight with no baby to show for it. I would get in my car and think, I should have a baby to rush home to breast-feed. I mean with my other two, when I had to lose the weight it was okay, a slow process and I remember going to the gym in between the three hour feedings and needing to get back home to feed my sweet girls. Now I am coming home to pictures of my sweet girl, the house empty of her. Oh it’s just so hard, it just stinks. But….today on my last day I was having to talk myself into staying and not leaving early pretty much the whole time and on that last run I had the most overwhelming beautiful thought of….. “Mary Grace you are worth all of this”. And I kid you not, when I got into my car, started it up, Chris Tomlin was singing “my chains are gone, I’ve been set free” (the girls call it Mary and Poppy Joy’s song). So…..I lost it again, but this time with tears of joy. And at the end of that song he sings “you are forever mine” I sang it to Mary Grace, because death and passing from this world, does not change the fact that she is forever mine and I will see her some sweet day. “And what a day that will be, when my Jesus I shall see, and I look upon His face the one who saved me by His Grace. And when He takes me by the hand and leads me to the promise land, what a day …glorious day that will be".

Please pray specifically right now for my cousin/best friend Tracy’s family. She lost her Grandfather this week and he is walking in perfection with Mary Grace right now.

Pray also for Greg, Nicol and Summer Sponberg as they deal with the loss of their baby boy Luke due to SIDS. This is Angie’s family who recently lost Audrey Caroline and now have to bury another baby in the family, it’s unfathomable. http://audreycaroline.blogspot.com

Romans 8:38-39 “For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God, that is Christ Jesus our Lord”.

Prayer Request - Faith Webb

2008-05-22T09:08:00.000-07:00

Hi Friends. Sorry I haven't updated lately. I do have a prayer request today. Faith Webb will be entering into this world. She has been diagnosed with Trisomy 18. Please pray that God will bless this precious family with lots of time with their angel and that they will feel His hand holding them the whole way through.
She is one of the links under my prayer list...check on her and let them know you are thinking about them and praying for them - I remember how much it means.

TRUST.........

2008-05-01T19:47:00.001-07:00

is not a feeling, it's not an emotion. Trust is a decision, a choice. It's something that I think every Christian struggles with concerning God and His ways (Lord knows I do!). If we truly believe in God and His Holy Word and have a relationship with Christ, then we believe to some extent, if not all, that the things that He allows to happen to us are for His glory and for our good....Romans 8:28 "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." But man is it tough to take sometimes! You know, I don't think God ever promised that if we walked with Him , it would be a perfect road, (but some of it just feels too hard). In fact, we see time and time again in the bible and in our present day life, that some of the best Christians and believers are the ones who are persecuted the most and the hardest. But let's admit it....when these bad things happen to Christians, and they CHOOSE to trust God, to praise Him, to glorify Him, how much more powerful is that?! So powerful!! How easy is it to praise Him when things are going great, when things are pretty much perfect? Does that really say a whole lot?

I know in the past I have seen Christians get the worst Satan attacks ever, when they are really on fire for God, bam Satan attacks them! And I have thought.....okay.....I do not want to face those hardships so I am going to play it safe...not be too on fire for God to draw Satan's attention to me! You know, one of those "Safe" Christians. Still a Christian, still saved through Grace, still going to heaven, but SAFE....making no impact, making no difference for the Kingdom of God.
And, when the trials have come in my life (2 biggies so far) I have been angry, bitter, withdrawn....but I have still dug may way out by the power of my Savior and have found a way back to Him, even though He never left me! Praise Jesus for His love and patience for even me! He loves all of us, Christ died so that we may have life and have it more abundantly!! If you are facing a "biggie" right now, God is there, He WILL carry you I promise. I can now say truly, I KNOW! Isaiah 41:10 "So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."
And if what you are going through is not a "biggie" know that nothing is too big or small, God wants our everything...He wants to help us and be our Father in the small things too. (Besides...God doesn't have a scale,He wants it ALL). Phil 4:6 "Do not be anxious about anything, but in EVERYTHING, by prayer and petition with thanksgiving, present your requests to God."

Of course I do not want any more biggies, but I tell you now...I do not want to play it safe! I do not want to "lay low" so Satan will not target me. Greater is He that is in me than he that is in the world! I want to Glorify the Almighty Father who has made it possible for me to spend eternity with all my loved ones who accept His Son as their Savior, because without Him there is no hope. I have always known how great a sacrifice Jesus was but I especially realize it now.
I was given a miracle, I was given a beautiful life, I was chosen to be the Mother to precious Mary Grace, praise Him for loving me so much!! And as sure as I decided to follow Jesus....I have decided not to waste what He gave me in Mary Grace - she is too precious to waste. I am not saying that I will not struggle, probably daily, but I AM saying that I have a longing for that Kingdom, that Kingdom I am called to make a difference for.

I have imagined a love note from my Heavenly Father that says "Will you Trust Me? Yes or No...do not circle OR." I circle YES..I choose to Trust.

Deuteronomy 32:4
"He is the Rock, his works are perfect, and all his ways are just. A faithful God who does no wrong, upright and just is he."
On Christ the solid rock I stand, all other ground is sinking sand, all other ground is sinking sand.

When you can, please watch this inspiring video of a family who is in the depths of grief having lost their precious Audrey Caroline, but is choosing to Trust while realizing the true picture of what that means......you WILL be blessed. The "Smith Family Story".
http://withoutwax.tv/2008/04/28/rocked-to-my-core/

Batter Batter Swing

2008-04-25T21:49:00.001-07:00

Jeez Louse this hurts! I am so mad right now. I just want to curse...I just want to scream, but I can't so I thought I would come "blog it out". I started reading a book tonight, When bad things happen to good people....I have only finished 2 pages and I threw it down (i am sure it will be good), I thought of all the books I have STARTED since I have lost Mary Grace....and I realized, I don't want to be the person who needs to read these books, I don't want to be the person who has to buy the One Year Book of Hope, I don't want to be the person who has to relate to Job, or read Psalms for comfort and/or peace!! I want my Mary Grace back, I want this to be over. I want to say...Okay God, we got through it, we have given you Glory to the best of our ability, NOW give her back!! I need her NOW!!!

I just read another Mom's blog where she had a dream that she stood outside and if she screamed loud enough God would drop her baby out of the sky.....oh heavens if only.....I feel like I could split the Eastern sky wide open with my scream tonight. I wish I could take a ball bat and go to town. Kick boxing might be good? I don't know.....that's just it, I don't know (but I know the One who does).

I have wanted to come write for the last two days about the anger I am feeling...but I didn't want to scare people, or discourage them. That's the fine line that's hard to draw when in the blogging world.....the responsibility that comes with it (wow is this what Brittney and Paris feel like?:). Oh how I DO want to glorify God, how I do want to be the one to encourage not discourage, but...I feel I need to be real and honest at the same time...cause it's real, grief is hard, it stinks to be a woman who has carried and given birth to three babies and only raising 2. There is no way to discount or describe the feelings of anguish (pure anguish) that comes with that. I also want the people who come here that may be going through the same type thing, to realize too, that you can be totally secure in your salvation (John 3:16)and love Jesus with all your heart, but still be angry. I mean God knows our hearts anyway....so why try to fool anyone else? I am not really good at showing people how I am really feeling, you know...the "how are you doing?" "Oh I am doing okay"....that stuff. And by the time I just go through my day, trying to be a good Mommy to the girls, loving them, paying attention to them (the best I can), keeping the house decent (livable), laundry, dinner etc....it piles up inside emotionally and sometimes you (my blogging friends) get the brunt of this junk.

But....you see...when I start writing, truths come flooding my soul. The truths of the blessings I still have with me, the truth that having Mary Grace is worth all the hurt even if I can't keep her with me to raise (I would do it 1,000 more times for those 7 precious hours)....the truth that I really can't relate to Job cause PRAISE GOD, I still have so much. It's all coming back to me now! See......this is so therapeutic!

One of the terms that will repeat itself to me daily for the rest of my life probably, is the term I heard when they gave me Mary Grace's diagnoses of t-18....."incompatible with life". That just always bugged me, who are they to tell me, they are not in control here! And the other night while driving in the car, I was thinking to myself...why does it bug me so much, that phrase that I repeat in my head can make me so angry......then I realized.....because Mary Grace was given to me FOR Life. She is my daughter, and death will never change that. Also, it gave me great joy to realize....she takes after her Momma...cause I am incompatible with life - at least I want to be incompatible with the life of this world. John 12:25 says "The man who loves his life will lose it, while the man who hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life".

Friends, thanks for listening, thanks for caring and praying. Thanks for being there for me to swing the bat at! I think times like these are inevitable when you have lost something as precious as I have. I know there are those out there who have endured much more loss than I and I feel for you, I pray for you...but how can you compare loss, it's impossible.......

Consider this...as Paul considered everything he had accomplished...
Philippians 3:8 "What is more, I consider EVERYTHING a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in him, ...."

Philippians 1:21 "For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain"
AMEN

3 months..........

2008-04-14T18:02:00.000-07:00

Not only is today the 14th and marks exactly 3 months since we kissed our sweet Mary Grace and then said goodbye, but it's a Monday which is the DAY she was born. The 14th of the month is hard, Mondays are hard, but both in one day is pretty yuck. I thought about it a lot this weekend and knew today I would stay busy and I did. But every non-focused thought turned to my sweet Mary Grace. I have to tell you however, that is not a bad thing. In fact when I have a day that is so busy and she doesn't cross my mind as much, at the end of that day I feel more sad. I love to think of her, I love to talk about her and when I got home today and had one e-mail that was titled "3 months" and the message simply said that I was being prayed for and thought about today.....well it made my day. That maybe I was not the only one on earth that realized today's significance - it really meant a lot. Now...if you saw me today and didn't remember or mention anything...do not feel bad, that is not what I intend and I understand that I live with this every minute of every day and do not expect the same from you...in fact I didn't even realize myself how much it would mean until I opened up my e-mail. It did however help me to realize even more, that it feels extremely good when someone does remember and acknowledge and talk about Mary Grace, so don't be scared, it makes me happy not sad.

I went on a field trip with Kailey today to the Dallas World Aquarium and it was hectic and a little crazy but fun. But as busy and crazy as it was almost every other thought was of Mary Grace. How she would be 3 months old today and that I should not have been able to be a chaperon. How I should be pushing her around in a stroller while trying to enjoy Kailey's day too. How I should be scrambling for a private place to feed my sweet girl. How everyone should look at me and talk about how precious the new baby is, how she has Kailey's eyes and Allison's nose....and then look at me and realize SHE is why I am 30 lbs over weight (well not all her fault!!) and my hair is thinning. AAAHHH it just hurts....... but you know....God is sustaining me. Even with the hurt and despair, I am able to walk, smile and even enjoy Kailey/life for the day. You know most people might even think that I am doing really good. Praise Jesus for that because I was really scared of the aftermath of this... and it's been doable.

"When you pass through the waters, I will be with you. And when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you....For I am the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior," Is. 43:2a-3a

Thank you for all your continued thoughts, prayers and comments. My sweet family, friends,even stranger's support and first and foremost, my Loving Savior Jesus Christ, is keeping me from drowning.....

How Sweet It Is

2008-04-07T22:08:00.000-07:00

I don't know if you remember but I know I have mentioned how perfect Mary Grace's nose was (it was one of the first things I noticed). So much so, that I couldn't count the number of times I kissed her nose, rubbed it against my cheek or just touched it, even after her spirit was already with Jesus. I really thought a few times I could literally bite it off - if you are a Mom you know what I am talking about. Anyway - these pictures are priceless to me - thank you again Amber from NILMDTS - now a dear friend - it's such a blessing to look at these and remember the feeling I had (BTW - she took over 1,100 pictures that day and we didn't even realize she was in the room! now that's good photography!). I hope these pictures show why it is worth it all, why I would do it a thousand more times just for these precious moments. God blessed us with Mary Grace and I will praise Him forever!!

I just know God formed her hand like this to tell me she loves me when I look at her pictures. And they called it a "hand abnormality" ha!

Longing for Mary Grace

2008-03-26T20:41:00.000-07:00

It's been 73 days since Mary Grace entered and left this world. I want to say I miss her but I didn't have her here on this earth with me long enough to know what I am missing, except for what I can imagine of her. So...the only way I know how to describe it is I long for her, I deeply long for her, and only her - only Mary Grace could fill this void. The emptiness that I feel for her is a lot of times overwhelming. I start to get the feeling of longing and I get anxious, like I do not know what to do with myself. I think one of the things that has been most difficult is the fact that I can not go to Mary's grave since she is in Kentucky. I want to sit by where she is and talk with her, cry for her, and although I realize I can do that anywhere, anytime - it's just different. It's a very helpless feeling but when I actually make the effort to ask my Lord to sustain me, he does, every time. I am not quite sure why I do not automatically ask Him but I don't. Maybe I still feel abandoned by Him although I know that's not true, it's just not true. Maybe I still want to solve this and get through it on my own, even though I KNOW it's not possible, and I know that "all things are possible with Christ who strengthens me". So why do we, especially as Christians fight it within ourselves so much, why do we fight the fact that Jesus can and will rescue us? Why do we seek other things...call a friend, talk to our Mom, eat those chocolate eggs, turn on the TV, look at a gossip magazines, get on the computer......all these things to run from the very one who wants to embrace us, the very one who died on the cross to SAVE us? Ps. 55:22 "Cast your burden upon the Lord and He will sustain you; He will never allow the righteous to be shaken".

Oh Jesus, hear my cry and help me. Help me to wake up every day and think of you first, help me to remember in my deepest hurting moments that YOU are my answer, You are my refuge, You sustain, You save, You deliver and You are the One who loves me unconditionally the most. Help me to gain everything I can and that all you intended for me from Mary Grace's life so that You and only You will be glorified through me. Help me to feel and be deserving of the beautiful honor of being Mary Grace's Mother, I do not want to waste any of it. Help me to help others, help me to help myself, help me to be the wife, Mother, daughter, sister and friend that you intended me to be. Help me Lord...hear my cry. Ps. 107:13-14 "Then they cried to the Lord in their trouble, and he saved them from their distress. He brought them out of darkness and the deepest gloom and broke away their chains."

I have been blessed with the most amazing friends a girl could have. I mentioned earlier that not having Mary Grace here is very difficult although I know she is in the right place by being buried in Kentucky. My friends here in Texas went together, bought and planted the most beautiful Crepe Myrtle tree (the blooms will be pink! pictures to come). We picked a spot up by the swing set where my other two girls play all of the time -it's a spot that I can see from any where in my house and back porch. I want you to know that when the tree was in the truck I didn't notice blooms or buds on the tree nor did the person looking at it with me point any out........and as soon as it was in the ground, watered and finished we noticed buds popping up - it seemed miraculous to me but I couldn't speak of it at the time without losing it. I plan on putting a garden around it and have had another group of friends say they are donating another tree to us in Mary's honor to put in the garden. I will have a place for Mary here. I can not tell you how much this means to me friends and how thankful we are. There are no words.

I also want to ask that all of you pray for someone who has recently contacted me via e-mail who recently found out her precious baby girl Faith has Trisomy 18, Ashley is 29 weeks pregnant. Oh how it breaks my heart but we know God will be glorified through yet another miracle baby. Pray for this mommy and family (Faith has 2 sisters), pray for Faith and that God will do great works in and through her. Here is her information, please lift this family up and encourage them.... www.caringbridge.org/visit/faithwebb BTW she gave me permission to share.

Thank you all for your continued prayers and support. God has blessed our family so much by using you and I hope you know how much you all mean.

Eva Janette is here!!

2008-03-17T15:23:00.001-07:00

Visit Eva's blog and check out the beautiful miracle girl, www.evajanette.blogspot.com. Let's continue to pray for her and her precious family - and let her know please. I remember walking this road only 2 months ago and I remember the peace that God poured over our hearts and the miracles and love that took place that day when Mary Grace blessed our lives forever. Oh the sweet power of prayer!

Just another manic Sunday

2008-03-16T21:46:00.000-07:00

I come to you with a heavy heart tonight. Today has been a really hard day and I have had several good cries. I was by myself in church today (Chris is traveling) and I pretty much cried the whole song service. I didn't have a Kleenex and I must have looked pretty nuts to everyone around me. Normally I will cry during the songs but not during the message. But today it seems like almost everything our Pastor said triggered tears. When he ended the sermon he sang "on Christ the solid rock I stand, all other ground is sinking sand, all other ground is sinking sand" with tears in his eyes. Wow, did that get me going, those old hymns are so incredible, I just love them.

Everything feels so conflicting. I can feel pretty "normal" one second and totally lost the next. When someone asks how are you doing and I say "okay or pretty good" I am not sure what those words even mean. I can be reading scripture about Hope and know that God's word is truth, but after reading it I can still feel so hopeless. I can be praying but not feel anything. It's just such an empty feeling. I can feel so cheated and mad, but then look at Chris, Kailey, Allison and pictures of Mary Grace and feel so very blessed.
I am not sure that just after several days of putting on my "game face" I just break down from being exhausted from it all. Not that I am trying to or that I purposely "fake" it, I just have never been the type to be "woe is me" in front of people, even some of my closest friends, even a lot of times with Chris. I am not sure if that's good or bad or what the right way to be is....but it is what it is.
It's just tough - plain and simple. I have to just tell you, I want Mary Grace, I want to hold her, kiss her, look at her for hours, I want to whisper in her ear to tell her how much I love her and how beautiful she is, I want bury my face in her neck, I want to kiss her sweet feet, I want to sing her some hymns while I rock her in the chair that I rock my other two in, I want to watch her sisters argue over who gets to hold her next, I want to buy her first Easter dress and get her picture taken, I want to give her a bath and rub Baby Magic lotion on her just to smell her. Oh my arms ache for her, my heart breaks for her, my sweet Mary Grace. It's just that simple..........

Ps. 55:2 - Hear me and answer me. My thoughts trouble me and I am distraught.

So I came to the computer to cry out, to get it all out, to tell you about ME and how much I am hurting and how mad I am and how heavy my heart is (ME ME ME again!) and when I sat down I decided to check in on others first. And well, I am reminded that this world and this hurt and this trial is not about ME - guess I need to read the book I purchased a while back (it's not about me!). It's about something much bigger. Something I will never fully understand. But...in my hurt and despair, I somehow find God, I find that I need Him deeply. I find that this is about reaching out to others, it's about connecting with others and sharing and loving and growing. It's about knowing that Mary Grace has connected me to some very amazing people, some awesome miracles and stories of others that I would not know without her. That she has taken me to a better, more "desperate for God" prayer life (very desperate). It's about being prayerful for others, it's about trying to find a way to glorify God in all of this. It's about so much.
So....while I know I have a right to be hurting, I know I have a right to feel sorry for myself, I know I have a right to pull the blanket over my head and not come out for a while and I know I have a right to feel cheated (and I do and I will)...... I want more from this. I want all that Mary Grace was meant to bring me. I want her purpose to be fulfilled in me, I want to "get IT". I want it desperately and if I don't get it for a while, I know I will get it eventually. I will just keep on keepin' on. In the good and the bad times, I will seek His face.

So..speaking of being prayerful for others. I have some pretty big requests.

First, tomorrow or today for that matter (March 17th) my friend Chrissy will be meeting her precious miracle Eva Janette. Eva has been diagnosed with t-18. Chrissy is the last of our group that has met via the blogs to give birth. She has had to endure all of our stories and losses and still find a way to enjoy her pregnancy with Eva. Please pray for her, for Eva, for Vinny her Husband and for her other two children Mya and Dominic. Pray for lots of time together and that all their prayers will be answered. Oh how my heart hurts right now and how anxious I feel for them. The entire of day of Jan. 14 (Mary Grace's birthday) plays back in my mind as I think of this precious family. May God grant them their heart's desires. Check on them via their blog:
www.evajanette.blogspot.com/

Pray also for the family of Joshua Mathew Sams. Joshua passed away after having 67 days with his family. He was born with a neural tube defect. The Doctors said he would pass away soon after birth but praise God the family has had some wonderful time with him!! Please pray for Mommy Susie, Daddy Matt and Sister Oceana. They have many needs but mostly pray for healing that only can come from God. Let them know you are praying for them : http://www.mnssams.blogspot.com/

This family I have never heard of until tonight after reading a friend's blog. Molly Brown suddenly passed away at 19 months old - she had Trisomy 18. What a miracle this sweet girl is but her death was sudden and unexpected. Oh to be given so much time and then to have to let her go. Please pray pray pray for this sweet family. Let them know.....:
www.caringbridge.org/visit/mollybrown

Thank you for your prayers for these families. Thank you for your continued prayers for me and my family. I appreciate my family and friends and even strangers more than you could ever know!

Ps. 9:9 The Lord will be a stronghold for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble. And those who know Thy name will put their trust in Thee.

God is waiting on me.....

2008-03-05T16:33:00.000-08:00

Well, the last two days I have actually felt human. For those of you who do not know a couple of weeks ago I came down with type B flu - took about 1 week to somewhat get over that - then after having maybe one day where I felt like I could accomplish something - I started feeling yuck again. So....last Friday morning when I woke up my body ached and I felt in the tank again - this after seeing the commercial for cymbalta saying "depression hurts, it hurts everyone, it hurts everywhere, your body aches" - well - I just knew - this is it - this is how I am going to feel the rest of my life - I pretty much had a break down thinking this is how I was going to have to live. Oh how Satan loves to defeat us! I took a bath thinking it would help me, but after getting out and realizing - nope I don't feel better - I thought - hey I am going to take my temp - 102 - and blisters in the throat triggered a thought of "hey I may be sick again". So...the Dr fit me in - I had strep throat - I actually cried in relief that maybe, just maybe it's not a life sentence of depression.

I have to say however, that I do feel "depressed", I have felt hopeless, I have felt deep deep sadness, I have felt anger, anxiety, bitterness - but I have also had glimpses of relief the last two days. It's a bitter sweet thing - sweet because it has felt nice to feel somewhat normal - but bitter because when I have some good moments I feel guilt and fear - guilt for feeling "good" without Mary Grace, fear that it's a sign that I will forget - and God knows I want her to be a part of me every moment of every day - just not the sadness part. I want to start living what I KNOW to be truth - truth that Mary Grace was a miracle, our specific prayers were answered, we got to meet her, look into her eyes. I want to rejoice in all the ways Mary Grace touched our lives, touched every one's life - how she has impacted this world in a greater way than most do who live a lifetime. She is my third daughter and will always be with me. You know what we want most as parents is for our children to accept Jesus and be in Heaven for eternity. I want to rejoice in the fact that Mary Grace is there - it's accomplished - that worry is done, taken care of - she is with Jesus in paradise - free of this world and the junk it has to offer, she is waiting on me and I will see her again. It's Kailey and Allison I should be crying for - for all they will have to endure of this world - even at it's best - the heartache, the sin, Satan and his tricks and traps....oh Jesus, help me to raise them in You and keep them in your sights, keep them safe and let us be together forever with You in paradise one day. Help me to not lose any time with them because Satan is trying to steel my joy, help me to be the Mommy you planned for me to be, help me to be the Mommy that Kailey, Allison and Mary Grace deserves. Help me to be the wife Chris deserves. He me to bring You the glory that You so deserve. Oh God I want that, but I need you to accomplish it in me, I can not do it without You holding me tight right now.

I have started reading the one year book of hope - and the Author Nancy Guthrie lost two of her babies to a birth defect shortly after birth. She has felt a lot of the things that I have felt. One thing specifically that stood out is that I have felt guilty because I think my grief is more about ME than about Mary Grace. I know this to be true because Mary Grace is in Heaven - my goodness she is "where it's at!". I have just been feeling sorry for myself, feeling sadness for my loss, thinking about what I feel, what I fear, the disappointment that swallows me. Also, I expressed to a friend today that I feel like there has been so many things in my life that I have prayed about, some things I have prayed so hard about, some things I have prayed about for so long.....and it seems that God isn't answering any of my prayers. I hate saying that out loud because I KNOW how the Lord has blessed me and I KNOW the blessings that are in my life, but I also feel like He can do anything - He could answer these requests for goodness sakes - He could have healed Mary Grace......why pray about things - He is going to do what He wants to do anyway. Is He even there? Is He even listening? Why doesn't He show himself? Why doesn't He speak to me? Am I being punished for my sin? Then I am reminded of the Truth. The Truth that sets me free....... For instance Mary, Martha and Lazarus. Mary and Martha sent a desperate message to Jesus about their brother Lazarus, that he was sick and to please come heal him - "Lord the one You love is sick". And Jesus loved Lazarus - just like he loves ME - all of us! But.....Lazarus died - Mary and Martha was so confused - they must have felt like Jesus just ignored them, didn't care, why wouldn't he just come and heal him?! But Jesus had a greater purpose, he knew in order for God to be glorified that it must happen the way it did - days had to pass before he went back to bring Lazarus back from the dead. Jesus was teaching Mary and Martha and his disciples to TRUST him - to rely only on Him. And when we don't understand why......we have to TRUST him. God reassured the apostle Paul when he went through great suffering that "My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness". Oh Jesus - I believe, help me with my unbelief.

And one of my very favorite reminders is in the book of Daniel. Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego -three Hebrew teens who were captured, stripped of their names and manhood and made to be slaves to an emperor who was very cruel. They must have prayed over and over for relief, for freedom and no help came. They must have asked - "God can you hear us, are you there?" And then when King Nebuchadnezzar built a golden statue and told the three Hebrews to bow down and worship it, they refused - even when the King told them they would be thrown into a fiery furnace and killed. They told him "If you throw us into the blazing furnace the God we serve is able to save us from it, and he will rescue us from your hand, oh King. But even if he does not, we want you to know, O King, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up". And God did rescue them, he was in the fire with them, they came out without even a smell of smoke!! Now...if God had rescued them when they wanted to be rescued and answered their prayers in their time, would He have been glorified in such a miraculous way? I have to keep reminding myself of these things. Can you imagine being told you were going to be thrown into a furnace if you didn't bow down and worship another god and having their response - our God is able, but even if he doesn't!? Oh how I want to be like that - how I want to say - Lord you may not answer my prayers like I want them to be answered and this life may not be how I want it or planned it, and even if you never answer another prayer..... I know you love me and because you sent your only Son Jesus to die for me, I will be with you forever in Heaven - I will be with Mary Grace forever! God help me to surrender ALL!! And Satan, you might as well quit - no matter what you throw at me or my family, you will not win, I am saved and I am secure and my God is bigger than you and BTW - you are already defeated!!

You know, I have said before I am having a hard time reading the bible, praying for anything other than for others......and that really hasn't changed, but I know God knows how I feel. God heals the brokenhearted, he is holding me in the palm of his hand - this I know for sure because I wouldn't be able to get out of bed otherwise. God is waiting on me, and I am digging my way out of this hole, Lord I am coming - I know you are there...........I know you will not leave me.....I know your plans for me and my family are great, far greater that I can even imagine........I am hoping, I am trusting and I am relying on you. And I know You NEVER fail...............

Asher "Happy" Bolte

2008-02-22T14:45:00.000-08:00

Hi Friends,
Please pray for baby Asher "Happy". He was born today at around 2:00 and needs your prayers. He and his family are listed as a link under my prayer requests. Happy is thought to have the same condition that took his brother Isaac from this family as an infant. Please visit their blog for updates and to let them know your are praying for them and to encourage them.
Thank you for your faithfulness. I am sorry I have not "blogged" lately but I have had the flu this week and am having a hard time writing - I go from one emotion to another (high to deeply low) in a matter of seconds. I covet your prayers and continue to be so thankful for everything everyone is doing for our family (prayers, meals, thoughts, cards, donations to St. Jude, etc.). It is truly overwhelming and we love you all so much.
With love,
Kim

Happy Valentine's Day?

2008-02-14T15:30:00.000-08:00

Happy Valentines Day? Well – this day caught me by surprise – or the feelings of the day I should say.
I got some big days behind me last week, Mary Grace’s due date (Feb. 6th), and my birthday (Feb 8th). The significance of my birthday is that when I found out I was pregnant I was so happy that I would have my 3rd and probably final baby BEFORE I was 38 (had to beat my Mom). I told Chris that I didn’t want to celebrate my birthday and when he asked why and I explained – he said “but you did have Mary Grace before you were 38”. With that, I said – but I do not HAVE her with me! Chris is a person who always looks at the positive and God knows I need him for that – but it was very difficult to have my birthday this year. I ended up having a good day thanks to all my family and friends who went out of their way to make me feel special this year (they always do really).

So I had a sigh of relief that last week was over. Then I woke up this morning and it hit me like a ton of bricks “I do not have one of my “sweet hearts” with me today”. I took a shower (a huge task lately), had to go to Target to get the girls their Valentine’s gift (something I knew I was putting off) and had several emotional moments. The last several days I have not cried and honestly I felt weird about it – maybe I am cried out. But…this morning every thought I had made me cry (so I put the water proof mascara on in preparation). While in Target shopping for the girls for something they would need as well as like, I kept running across baby stuff for baby’s first valentines day and I had to stop and think does anyone around me see the tears, do they know that I should be purchasing some of that stuff – do they know that I am buying for two girls but should be buying for three! Even getting back into my minivan, which should have in it an infant seat, is so hard.

I had to go to Kailey’s school party today which honestly I was dreading, especially with having such a hard morning. But…..Kailey deserves to have her Mommy there so you just do it. God is so good because yes, it was awkward seeing some people for the first time, but it was okay. I know it’s probably just as awkward for them as for me so you just get through it. One Mom however didn’t know I had Mary Grace, didn’t know about any of it – only remembered that I was pregnant with my 3rd. I know how it is when a lot of time has gone by but it doesn’t register to you….so she said so when are you due? (I know what you are thinking – aaahhhh – but it really wasn’t like that, I was bent down helping Kailey with something and she is a precious person.) I told her I already had her and she said wow how is everything, with a beautiful smile? So I just told her about it all. I mean what do you say, how much do you share, where do you begin and end – this was “my first time”. She was shocked and I know felt really bad and that’s when I just try to make the other person okay. The whole situation was overall good, and God helped me get through that whole party without breaking down but….. I am whipped right now.

You know – I have to learn how I will handle these things, what you say when someone asks, “how many children do you have” – I have three but then comes, “how old are they?” - I will have to figure it all out. One thing I know for sure is I want to talk about Mary Grace – I want her to be acknowledged – she is my 3rd baby girl and although she is not physically with me – she is a part of me that I want to share.

I do want you to know that I am doing okay. I am having some good days and getting back into a routine (my “new” normal). I am laughing more and trying to reflect on all the answered prayers that happened with Mary Grace. I told my Dad, I know it’s a choice when I wake up every day whether I am going to let Satan steal my joy or whether I am going to fight to enjoy everything that God has blessed me with, what I still have right in front of me. Some days it’s a harder fight and I get weak but you know that’s just my life now. I have lost one of my sweet hearts and I will never be the same. And if being the same means not having Mary Grace – then I do not want to be the same – she is worth it all – she is worth everything. I gotta figure out what God wants to reveal to me and in me and I do not know when that is going to happen but I will just trust him. I have read a book my Aunt gave me written by Billy Graham’s daughter called “Why? Trusting God when you don’t understand” – perfect huh? And there is one thing I want to share that spoke to me. She writes “ I understand that a turkey and an eagle react differently to the threat of a storm. A turkey reacts by running under the barn, hoping the storm won’t come near. On the other hand, an eagle leaves the security of its nest and spreads its wings to ride the air currents of the approaching storm, knowing they will carry it higher in the sky than it could soar on its own. It’s natural for me to be a turkey in my emotions, but I have chosen to be an eagle in my spirit. And as I have spread my wings of faith to embrace the “Wind,” placing my trust in Jesus and Jesus alone, I have experienced quite “every day” miracles.”

I want so badly to be an eagle – I don’t know when I can be an eagle but that’s what I am praying for. I do know that I will choose to trust him. I choose to trust him because he is trustworthy – He is a God of fulfilled promises, of love, of salvation, of redemption, of miracles, of triumph and victory - victory even over the grave. Anne Graham also writes “When there are no answers to your questions……Trust Him when you don’t understand.
Trust His heart.
Trust His purpose.
Trust Him when it is your heart that’s broken.
Trust His goodness.
Trust Him beyond the grave.
Trust Him to know best.
Trust His plan to be bigger than yours.
Trust Him to keep His Word
Trust Him to be on time.
Trust Him to be enough.
Trust Him to set you free.
Trust Him – and Him Alone.”

I will choose to Trust Him. That’s all a Daughter can do sometimes……….
So, Happy Valentines Day? I choose YES.

Urgent Request

2008-02-09T21:14:00.000-08:00

Hi Family and Friends,
I have an urgent request for a sweet friend of mine and her daughter Mallorie (my friend's 5th child/gift from God).
Mallorie celebrated her 1st birthday on February 6th (Mary Grace's due date - so it's a special day all the way around). Mallorie is a precious miracle, a sweet baby girl who has beat all the odds against her. She was born with cleft palate / lip, spina bifida and trisomy. She is a blessing and a joy! But.....she needs our prayers. She had cleft palate surgery on Thursday and although the surgery went well, she has developed some complications. I am not sure of the specifics, but I think things got a little scarry yesterday. I ask that you pray for the specifics given by her Mom:
For clear x-rays
For no fever/infection
For peace with all decisions being made - for her Mom, Dad, family
For the right Doctor's and nurses - loving, patient and knowledgeable
For a private room - to provide better rest for all
For complete healing, no need of oxygen, for no pain, for comfort

I also ask that you pray specifically for her Mallorie's Mom. I can not express to you how much this woman has meant to me. She reached out to me along with others and has not stopped loving, praying for and supporting me. The weeks leading up to Mallorie's first birthday and her surgery, my friend took time to write me and be there for me as if nothing was going on in her life. She has been there for all of us "trisomy" Moms. Her heart, her love for her children, her love for others and her love of the Lord is unfailing. Please be on your knees for their needs. I love them, and my heart hurts for them.

Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks, receives; and the one who seeks, finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened. (Mt. 7:7-8)

Mary Grace's video

2008-02-08T09:42:00.000-08:00

Hi Friends and Family,
On the left hand side of my blog under my profile is our beautiful video of Mary Grace. This is what the wonderful photographer (Amber Augustin) provided us with for Mary's celebration of life service. She is part of the Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep Foundation and is a God send. This video captures one of the best days of my life and I feel so proud of my little Mary Grace and want to show her off to you.
Enjoy her......
With love,
Kim

Can't praise you in this storm - not yet

2008-02-02T08:45:00.000-08:00

I sit here at the computer not really knowing what to write but wanting to give you something. I know sometimes when "checking" on someone I feel desperate to know how they are doing or what they are feeling and I know my friends out there feel the same about me. It's not that I do not want to write - it's just that I have nothing to give you, nothing new.
Chris took Allison to a birthday party because I am still avoiding people (no offense), I am giving Kailey math problems and I am searching the blogs for something.
The last few days I have desperately been reading / searching past blog posts (of the ones that have lost their babies before me). I am trying to go back to where they were in their journey that corresponds to where I am now. To see if how I am feeling is normal and/or okay. Do not get me wrong - I know we are all entitled to how we feel, we all feel different and all feel grief and loss in a different way or at different times. But right now, I do not feel strong, I do not feel encouraged, I do not feel "held", I do not feel okay that Mary Grace is in Heaven in stead of with me, I do not feel like praying (except for others - nothing that makes it personal between me and God), I do not feel like reading God's word. So what do I feel? I feel mostly numb. I am going through the motions, trying to be "normal" on the outside so my girls are okay. And after faking it so to speak, I feel exausted. I went out for a drive last night so I could listen to my music which is therapy to me. It felt good to blast the music, cry out loud. The songs spoke truth to me, I cried to God to tell him that I know he's there, I do believe, I do praise him for my girls, my husband my family but I am mad. I feel let down and even though I am so thankful for everything in my life, it doesn't take away the fact that I gave up one of my children!! I was listening to the song - I will praise you in the storm. The verses spoke truth and I was singing the words and thinking...yes this is how I feel, then comes the chorus and I said to God - "sorry - can't praise you right now".
I was speaking to one of my best friends this week and I was telling her how I felt, how I couldn't get on the computer and say all these great things about God yet. That's just the truth - and yes I do feel guilty feeling this way. She understood then she told me about her and a group of friends in Texas who got together to pray for me while I was in Kentucky burying Mary Grace's body. She told me that in her prayer she told God she couldn't wait to see my rewards. Then God poured something over me, a truth / a reminder that even though I may feel defeated, angry, disappointed, confused that my Heavenly Father does love me. He loved me so very much that he chose ME, ME to be Mary Grace's Mommy. And that I would go through all of this a billion times to be Mary Grace's Mommy - to have held her in my belly for 37 weeks and in my arms for 7 hours alive and 24 hours after going to Heaven. So my friends...I have this......this will sustain me, this reminder will get me through this. I can praise God for this - I will praise him forever for Mary Grace. I will hang on for dear life and he will give me what I need, when I need it. If God be for me then who can be against me?
I want to say thank you for all your prayers for me. As I mentioned I can pray for others, thank him for others, pray for my girls, my family etc. but I have not been able to get personal with God - kind of like with our own earthly parents. We can remember loving them, knowing they loved us but being so mad at their decisions that we could not speak to them, we just wanted to stay in our rooms and sulk - well that' me right now with God when it comes to me. So I will rely on your prayers for me if that's okay.
I do feel bad that I can't be more positive about all of this....but I am struggling. I want to encourage others, I want to life you all up so that you walk away from the computer feeling uplifted and encouraged, but I also need to be real and honest. I love God, he loves me - he knows me and he knows I am struggling. That's just the truth. This week has been a week of many "firsts". I went to Allison's gymnastics with Mom and Chris (felt safe with them) and I was faced with loving to watch Allison but the reality that I will never get to see Mary Grace do dance or gymnastics hurts. It hurt that I didn't have her in a carrier beside me while we watched Allison - three weeks ago she was with us and now I feel so empty handed. We go from there to Chic-fil-a for lunch - while ordering a kids meal for Allison it hit me that I will never get to order a kids meal for Mary Grace. When taking Kailey her lunch for the first time again on Thursday (I do this every thursday) I was faced with the truth that Mary Grace will never be in first grade and be excited about Mommy bringing lunch to her. A thousand more firsts that I could tell you about, but I am sure you get the picture - everything, every thought, every movement there is a constant reminder that I do not have my 3rd daughter with me. I love thinking about Mary Grace constantly but the truth and the reminder of her absense hurts so bad. When I was pregnant with her - I knew the reality of what was going to happen but while she was with me there was always HOPE. Now there is just absense - that's the truth.
But......truth also is that we can struggle, we can question, we can be mad, we can yell, scream and kick, we can ask why and we can pray for everyone else but then tell God I do not want to talk about me cause you have hurt me....... and we still have the truth, the promise of Heaven because of what Jesus Christ did - not because anything we have done or will do (thank God). I will hold on to this and no matter what.........I will be there with my girl one day. This is truth - I guess all the truth we need. I wish Satan would face this truth and get off our backs!! Thanks for being there - thanks for listening.

Tristan Asher Hostetter

2008-01-28T09:47:00.001-08:00

It is with such a heavy heart that I write to inform all my wonderful family and friends of Tristan's homecoming with the Lord. I wallowed in bed this morning trying to have most of the day pass before I had to get up to reality and when I went in the kitchen to a cup of coffee from Mom, she informed me of the news.
Tristan had a really good day yesterday and his Daddy noticed that things were not going well so Yvette made it home in time and Tristan passed away at 4:40 pm. He lived 56 wonderful days. I am so thankful for the time his family had but know this must be so difficult to let him go. I ask that you especially pray for Tristan's brothers as they adored their little miracle brother. Our children are so precious and to see them hurt is so very difficult - ask that God gives them the understanding they need.
Please pray for this family. Only God can give them what it takes to make it through this.
With love,
Kim

How am I?

2008-01-24T20:42:00.001-08:00

Besides the day I had to give Mary Grace to the Lord, this has been my hardest day yet. I guess with the pain meds, traveling to Kentucky and making preparations, my mind was somewhat distracted from the loss – the realness of it all. Now that I am back home and still recovering from surgery (which is a peace of cake compared to the emotional) I have time to reflect on what has happened.

How can I be a Mother of three, giving birth to three babies and only have 2 running around here? What on earth has happened? I find myself starring at pictures of Mary Grace to realize she was real. I sat at the computer today with a picture pulled up of Mary grace to the largest degree and traced my mouse over her every detail in hopes I could feel her on my finger tips – to no avail. I asked my Mom the question today whether she thought it would be harder to lose a baby or a grown child. Of course the answer is either would be too much for anyone to bear. I thought for sure my answer would be a child I have got to know and raise –but after losing Mary Grace and in reading one woman’s story who buried her 22 year old daughter, who was helping a person with the loss of an infant said she thought it would be tougher to lose an infant because she got to know her daughter, experience her, go through all her “firsts”. It seems true to me right now…but of course losing any child is unbearable and not comparable at all to the other. I went to Wal-Mart today for the first time, it stunk……every child I saw I wondered what Mary Grace would be like at that age. I was not in need of any baby supplies like I should be. I will NEVER get to pack Mary up in an infant car seat and take her to Wal-Mart for everyone to ooh and aahh over. When Kailey Mae was little, EVERYONE stopped me and commented on her….she was totally bald, ears that perfectly stuck out with the biggest blue eyes ever. Everyone talked about her big beautiful blue eyes. Then Allison was so chubby that everyone stopped me and wanted to pinch her rolls. How awesome it is to show off your angels. How I ache to take Mary Grace to the mall in a nice new stroller and diaper bag and have people tell me how PERFECT her nose is. Man she has the most perfect nose I have ever seen. And if for an instant she leaves my thought, my milk lets down and reminds me she is nowhere for me to pick her up and feed her. Oh how I loved breast-feeding Kailey and Allison. I will never have that with my sweet precious Mary Grace.

Kailey must be feeling the same as me. She has had several sad moments lately. Pray for her heart. She said tonight while crying that she knew Mary is in a better more fun place but she missed her and wanted her. We cried together and I told her I felt the same way. Although I know Mary Grace is in a better place and happier than we can imagine, I WANT HER back!!! And I told Kailey that God could not have given us such a perfect gift, then take her to be with him and expect us to not be sad or even mad about it sometimes. He is our Father – he knows….he felt the same way when he watched people torment his only Son, spit in his face, beat him – he knows this heartache. I think she felt better knowing that it’s okay for her to want Mary Grace to be with us and not in Heaven.

It was my 10th year wedding anniversary today. We watched our wedding video with Mom and the girls. We have had some trials in our 10 years…a bad car accident where we could have lost Chris and it took him 6 months to recover from, a loss of a baby early in pregnancy and losing Mary Grace. But I could not mention the hard things without telling of HIS blessing upon us as well. We have a beautiful marriage (normal stuff of course) but man do we love each other, we have had three beautiful children, two who are still with us and are PERFECT for us, hand picked for us to love, a beautfiul home, a wonderful family and the list could go on and on. I love Chris more than ever and could not imagine having anyone else by my side.

But the day ends in sadness like every one for a while I suspect. I walk past my mirror and see that my belly is no longer pregnant and holding Mary Grace, and then I realize she is not in the other room in a bassinet instead of my belly. She is not sitting in a bouncy seat waiting for me to feed her. Oh my sweet Jesus help me!!!

I love my Lord but the verse that comes to mind tonight in closing this day is…
“My God My God, why have you abandoned me? Why so far from my call for help, from my cries of anguish? My God, I call by day, but you do not answer; by night, but I have no relief.” (Ps.22:2-3)

As I go to bed tonight, I will pray the prayer I have prayed every night but have yet been granted. This is that God would take me to Mary Grace in my dreams, let me hold her the whole night, let me feel her on my skin. Please pray this for me. I need it. She went to be with the Lord on Jan 14th 2:15 p.m. I held her that day and slept with her that night with her face against mine the whole night, I had her until around 1:30 on the 15th. That was one of the best nights of my life. Oh how I love my Mary Grace, I long for her and feel no relief.

This is how I feel my sweet friends who are asking and caring and loving me/us. I am finding it hard to talk to anyone on the phone – I am sorry. E-mail is good right now. It’s easier for me. I love you all and thank you for understanding. Everyone who has and is signed up for meals, thank you – I can’t tell you how lifting that burden of “what’s for dinner?” has helped my Mom and me. Thank You.

With love,Kim

Update on Kenzie and Baby Maddox

2008-01-23T20:56:00.000-08:00

Hi, I just received an e-mail from Yvette (Tristan's Mom) that Kenzie had Maddox today around 4:30. He opened his eyes then closed them and went to be with Jesus. I tell you friends, my heart breaks all over again for this sweet baby and Mommy and Daddy and Brother. We know they are in heaven with Jesus but I want them to so desperately to be with us.
Pray for this family, for time to love on Maddox and not feel pressured about time with him and his sweet earthly body. Praise Jesus that her family made it there in time. Praise God for bringing all these sweet Mommies into my life - without them, I just do not know what I would do so I am thankful.
Love,
Kim

Pray for Kenzie and Baby Maddox

2008-01-22T15:05:00.000-08:00

Hi Friends,
I have about 2 minutes to try to update here. I am in the Lexington Kentucky airport going back home. I have been at Mom's for the last 5 days and have had no signal or access to the Internet. I had a few minutes to log in on Chris' computer at the airport to check e-mail. I received an e-mail today at around 4:00 that Kenzie has been admitted into the hospital and is having contractions and will probably have baby Maddox tonight. She was originally scheduled to be induced on Feb. 4th. Her husband is out of town on business and is trying to get home. I am in shock for them as I know how scary things must be. Please pray without ceasing to this family. They do not have family near them either and they were all going to be able to come in for the delivery in Feb. They are trying to contact everyone and get them there. Oh how my heart goes out to them - it's difficult enough without all of this. But we know God's hand is in control and his plan is perfect - so just pray for them and for peace during this difficult time.
Will try to update more later......gotta board the plane.
Love to all!
Kim

Services for Mary Grace Summons

2008-01-16T09:29:00.000-08:00

We were blessed for a short time with an angel on earth. Mary Grace was born on January 14, 2008 at 7:15 a.m. and became a true angel at 2:15 p.m. Our short time with Mary was filled with celebration, laughs, tears of joy and sorrow. Her short time on earth touched thousands of lives in ways we will never fully understand. We thank all of you for your thoughts and prayers over the last couple of months. They have really helped our family through a difficult time in our lives.

The following information is for the funeral services for Mary Grace, which will take place on January 19th:

Alum Springs 1st Church of God 3758 Alum Springs Rd
Danville, KY
(859) 236-4859
Visitation hours – 11:00 a.m. – 1:00 p.m.
Funeral service – 1:00 p.m.

Burial:
Buffalo Springs Cemetery
630 Hustonville Rd (Hwy. 78)
Stanford, KY 40484
(606) 365-0030
Short burial service 2:00 p.m. – 2:15 p.m.

There will be a gathering of friends and family back at the church after the cemetery
In an effort to continue the good that Mary Grace was able to achieve we would appreciate that donations be made to St. Jude Children’s Research Hospital instead of flowers or gifts. One can mail, call or make a contribution to her account on-line.

To call: Dial 1-800-822-6344 and tell them what you would like to donate and give them the tribute number (20487132).

To mail, send to: St. Jude Children's Research Hospital
Attn: Tributes Department
501 St. Jude Place
Memphis, TN 38105
Make checks payable to: St. Jude Children's Research Hospital In memo section, note the tribute number (20487132) or write: In memory of Mary Grace Summons

To do it on-line: Go to 'www.stjude.org' with the tribute number (20487132)

We continue to appreciate everyone’s prayer, love and support as our family continues through this journey.

We were able to hold an angel

2008-01-14T21:05:00.000-08:00

Mary Grace getting her first bath

2008-01-14T21:00:00.000-08:00

Sweet Mary Grace

2008-01-14T20:26:00.000-08:00

Mary Grace Update

2008-01-14T16:32:00.000-08:00

This is Kim's sister Amanda and she wanted me to type an update for everybody about precious Mary Grace.
This morning, Kim went back to do the c-section around 6:45 and Mary Grace was born at 7:15. She was so beautiful and perfect. She weighed 3 pounds 9 ounces.All of Kim's friends and family came in and out and got the chance to hold and see Mary Grace. She was so strong and was breathing so good. Allison got to help change the first diaper and both Kailey and Allison got the chance to help with the first bath.We got to spend 7 precious hours with her and then Jesus took her at about 2:15. The "Now I lay me down to sleep" photographer just left and right now Kim is holding Mary Grace.
Everybody continue to pray for Kim, Chris, the girls and the rest of the family during this very hard time. It was a very wonderful, blessed time with Mary Grace, and we are so thankful that God allowed us some time with Mary. She was our "little angel on earth."

2008-01-14T03:22:00.000-08:00

Good Monday Morning,
It's dark in the room (Chris is trying to sleep) but I wanted to give a quick update - can't see the keyboard so forgive mispellings.
We got here last night around 9:00. Had a few friends waiting to greet us and yes...we were late. One friend said I knew you would be late to even have your own baby!! haha.

Started everything and the nurse went to examine me before giving the medicine and she thought that the baby had turned back to breach. So....she had to call the Dr. and he came in around 11:00 to do an ultrasound and confirmed that Mary had in fact turned back to breach. I kind of knew it but was hoping.......

Well, fear swept over me but I I also had a strong sense of peace too. You know I have p;ayed that if Mary needs to be born this way - God would make it happen this way. So....at 6:45 they are going to wheel me back. I am going to have the Dr. check me one last time just to make sure Mary isn't playing games with me, but I am okay.

I thought throughout the night that I hope anyone reading who may not know my God like I do does not get discouraged after me giving God and prayer so much praise and then she turns back. I want you to know that I am not discouraged, God has this.....and I still believe. I was not ready for Friday, any whatsoever. I am ready today. God knows me . I know he has me in the palm of his hand right now. I will have Chris remind me of this at 6:30!!
Please pray specifically for my Mom. I know she is scared and I know she didn't want this for me on top of everything else. She is my worrying Mom who has a love for her children like no other!

Keep praying like I know you will.......................

God help us

2008-01-12T05:22:00.000-08:00

Well, it's early Saturday morning. I am getting ready to pick up my Dad, my Sister and my Brother from the airport. My Mom is already here. They are coming from Kentucky. My in-laws from Maryland will be here tomorrow and Monday we will meet our sweet Mary Grace. You know....I know her already. I know she is precious, she is small, her little feet are crooked, one of her hands is turned down, I know she must be a gracious little thing. When she moves it is slight and gentle little kicks, she has sweet little hiccups and she has my stubborn streak, when someone puts their hand on my belly when she is so active - she immediately stops almost every time!! She's a Mommy's girl already! Can you tell I love just having her with me? God help me.
On Wed. as most of you are aware I got some good news for a change. Some news that made God and prayer so evident that I felt strong and like things were going our way. My Mom came in Thursday, we had breakfast and when we came home I showed off all the little things that my sweet friends have given to Mary Grace - some include a beautiful hope chest to keep her things, outfits, blankets, a bracelet with Mary's name on it, booties, bibles etc. I wasn't sad doing this, it was the first time since about my 13th week that I felt like we were preparing for a normal birth, a "normal" baby. It was sweet. Then Thursday night while taking a bath, reality comes back to me.....what are we preparing for - anything but "normal" ??

Yesterday what was weighing on me most was my sweet girls. They are excited for Mary's birth and I am so afraid for them. Many of our t-18 miracles have had such different stories and I know ours will follow suit. So...help me to pray that the timing for our family, especially for Kailey and Allison, is just right. That it's just what they need, no more, no less - that it will be what their little hearts can handle. (They have medication for adults!). I pray specifically that however "it" happens that God's promise will be fulfilled in them especially, that this will work for good because my sweet little girls love him. They have the purest hearts, they have not "sinned", they do not deserve this trial - so I plead that this is something that will be a great work in them from our God, that they will learn about love, miracles, His plan, His purpose, Heaven, faith, endurance, strength, weakness, - that their hearts will be molded to serve him all the days of their lives - through this - our sweet Mary Grace, Our precious daughter and their sweet Sister. God help them.

Pray also for my neighbor's little girls, Anna and Kathryn - my friend's daughter Rachel... they all love Mary Grace too. I hate this for them. My niece is 11 and she has been saved and baptised. My Dad is a minister and she left him a note the other day at their house and told him that she was saved but had some questions, some things she didn't understand and could she talk to him sometime? So, he went and picked her up and took her for a drive......she said she didn't understand God and things like Mary Grace, and that her Sister Tara (16) has Lupus and has so many issues. Dad spoke to her and she called last night to tell me that she was praying every day for us and Mary Grace. God help them all.

You know I have tried to be as honest and open with my feelings as possible through this - I have been "real". And you know that I can not close this post without saying that through this difficult time in our lives, with all my doubts, with all my fears, with all my praises, with all my questions, with all our heartache, with all our hope and with all our disappointments.........I still know my God is faithful my God is still good. I will hold tight on to that, for that is all the hope any of us have, no matter what the situation.

Point of Grace has a new song out - It touches me. Here are the lyrics.

When the sun starts to rise and I open my eyes, you are good, so good
In the heat of the day with each stone that I lay, you are so good
With every breath I take in, I’ll tell you I’m grateful again
When the moon rises high before each kiss goodnight, you are good

When the road starts to turn, around each bend I’ve learned you are good, so good
And when somebody’s hand holds me up, helps me stand you are so good
With every breath I take in, I’ll tell you I’m grateful again Cause it’s more than enough just to know I am loved and you are good

SO HOW CAN I THANK YOU? WHAT CAN I BRING? WHAT CAN A POOR MAN LAY AT THE FEET OF THE KING?
SO I’LL SING YOU A LOVE SONG, IT’S ALL THAT I HAVE TO TELL YOU I’M GRATEFUL FOR HOLDING MY LIFE IN YOUR HANDS

When it’s dark and it’s cold, and I can’t feel my soul you are STILL good
When the world has gone gray and the rain’s here to stay you are STILL good
With every breath I take in, I’ll tell you I’m grateful again And the storm may swell, even then it is well, and you are good

SO I’LL SING YOU A LOVE SONG, IT’S ALL THAT I HAVE TO TELL YOU I’M GRATEFUL FOR HOLDING MY LIFE IN YOUR HANDS.

Thank you my family in Christ for holding us up - we are thankful.
Kim

There is Power in Prayer

2008-01-09T17:10:00.000-08:00

Got some praises!! Eva's Mommy got to go home and her contractions are stable! Thank you for praying and click on my link to Eva Janette for more details.

My praise - Mary Grace is head down. I have prayed that if God knows that Mary needs to come to us via c-section that we will know that today and I will be fine with it. But...if it's not his plan right now to proceed in this way for him to turn her - and he did! So...thank you for your prayers - I have been calling Mary my little apple turn over today! It felt good to get some good news and to know that it's directly due to prayer. Mathew 21:22 And ALL things, whatsoever ye shall ask in prayer, believing, ye shall receive. Thank you Jesus.

So...update......The Doctor wants to give me a few more days to "get going" on my own. We are going to the hospital this Sunday night at 9 p.m. - the nurses will give me medication that will help to thin my cervix and get something started. The Dr. is coming to my room first thing Monday morning to break my water and we will have Mary Grace on Monday! (unless God wants her to come to us before then). So....this is it. I feel much more at peace with this visit today. We still have concerns that Mary may be distressed with a normal delivery and there may be a time we have to make a different decision. But I ask that you continue to pray for everything to go according to God's plan - not ours and that we will have some time with our miracle girl! I am more willing to go the c-section route if anything is stressing Mary but Chris is concerned for me and doesn't want to jump as quickly as I would. Pray for wisdom and that when anything happens and that we have to make a decision that we are on the same page.

I trust God and he has shown himself time and time again - I pray that I will continue to trust him with everything. "Lord I believe but help me with my unbelief!"
Proverbs 3:5-6 Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.

Pray for sweet baby Eva Janette

2008-01-09T05:57:00.001-08:00

Wanted to get my prayer warriors on their knees for Chrissy and Baby Eva. Chrissy is Eva Janette's Mommy. Eva has Trisomy 18. Chrissy is 28 weeks pregnant and went into preterm labor yesterday and was admitted into the hospital. Please pray that the labor will subside and Baby Eva will stay safe inside her Mommy's belly for a while longer to be stronger for birth.
Thank You......Kim

YIKES

2008-01-08T14:23:00.000-08:00

I have had so many good thoughts for blogs this week - so many that I had to start making notes of my thoughts.....because in an instance my thoughts (or mood) change and I can't express them. So this post today is simply an update because the last two days have swept me off of my feet. I got a call yesterday from a nurse to schedule a c-section for this Friday the 10th!! What!!???? So, after trying to get in touch with the nurses and to make a very long story short......I spoke with the nurse this morning who got some clarification from my Doctor. He said that our goal has been to have time with Mary and since her weight is lagging behind he is getting nervous about waiting a week more. So....we are going in tomorrow (not Thursday) to see if Mary has turned and if I am more ready for induction. If she has not turned then we will probably be having a c-section on Friday.....if she has then he will induce on Friday and see how it goes from there. Needless to say I am filled with crazy emotions. I am praying that God will help me to turn over my "control" or lack there of, and let him give the Doctors and nurses the knowledge they need and to have faith that what is going to happen is what is right for us and Mary Grace. Besides praying for a total miracle this morning - I have prayed that all the other "stuff", all the other details will be taken care of by my all mighty God who spoke this amazing world into existance - pretty sure he can handle this one!!

I will give an update tomorrow after my appointment but wanted to have you pray for my emotions today. Thank you for your continued prayers and thoughts. I'm so thankful to be a part of the family of God.
Kim

THANK YOU KIM!!!

2008-01-05T06:57:00.000-08:00

Hello Everyone.,

This is my first entry into the blog and I wanted to acknowledge to the world how blessed and proud I am to be married to my wife. Going through this pregnancy with Mary Grace is a lot different for me then it is for Kim. I go to work and I get distracted the activities of life. No matter what Kim does there is a 20 pound bulge in her stomach which does not allow her one minute of not thinking about the future and what is going to happen. I know Kim would not have it any other way, but she has really demonstrated her faith, strength, character, and her commitment to her family throughout this process.

Thank you Kim!!!

Early in this process Kim made a decision as to how she was going to handle this pregnancy. As to whether she would move forward with trying to give birth to Mary was not ever in question. What was in question was whether to enjoy every precious second with Mary or be depressed and crawl into a hole for the next nine months. I know there are a lot of days where Kim would like to climb in a hole and not come out, but she has not. Kim’s strength and faith has made the pregnancy a blessing to this family. Believe it or not for me and the girls Kim’s attitude has really healed baby Mary’s T-18. I realize this healing may not be the reality when it is time for Mary to come into this world, but for now me and the girls are able to enjoy every minute and not think about what the future holds. I credit this blessing to Kim and the home/ family environment she has created and chosen to move forward with. Yes there are some days where Kim stays in her bath robe and does not want to deal with the world, but those days are few and far between. We just had a wonderful Christmas holiday and you would not have known there was any struggle in our lives. As usual Kim did all the shopping, 90% of the decoration, cooking and preparations. She was crawling on the floor and running around and I said I did not remember her being so active this late in the pregnancy with the other girls. As I reflect on the wonderful Christmas and New Year holiday Kim made it normal and special. There was not a time where Kim complained or was down. A great example of this was when we had friends over for a New Years Eve get together and Kim went walking through the room holding her belly crying out that she ate too much and look what happened to her belly.

Thank you Kim!!!

I know that God has been helping our family through this process and know he will continue moving forward. I would like to thank everyone for their thoughts and prayers. It really means a lot to our family and this has made a difficult situation better. Please continue to be with us as we get closer to Mary’s birth. As the time gets short the reality of the situation is starting to hit us all with a greater force.

Thank you Kim for being such a wonderful Mother to all of our children, incredible wife to me and such a great inspiration to all. You are the world to use and please know that we appreciate and love you with all of our heart and soul. We are here for you now and will always be here for you.

All my love,

Christopher Neil Summons

Higher Ground

2008-01-04T18:02:00.000-08:00

Well, I can’t believe it’s 2008! 2007 is kind of a blur right now and I am so uncertain about what 2008 will be. I am thankful for so much in my life, yet feel so let down as well. It’s hard for me to complain when I do feel so blessed….blessed first to have a wonderful Savior, an awesome husband, to be a Mother of three precious girls, a wonderful family. But….I am in a season of unrest. God knows I love him and praise him for everything….but my Heavenly Father also knows me….and he knows I feel let down, scared, disappointed, hurt, angry and the list could go on and on. I do not think he would expect me not to feel those things. He created in Mothers such a strong connection and love for her children and I do not think that he wouldn’t understand our emotions when one of our children is hurt, in need or not going to be with us for long. So I do find comfort in knowing that he weeps for me, his child that is hurting.

I have read over some old posts that I have printed out from Copeland’s Mommy and Maddox’s Mommy, and others that help me daily and it reminds me again….these children have and will continue to serve a higher purpose than we could ever know. They have ministered and have shared Jesus and will touch more people in their sweet short lives than most people who are here for a long lifetime. I again, want to praise Jesus for everyone who has been willing to share their story and heartache so that I could somehow find my way through this. Thank you for sharing Jesus to the world and thank you for allowing God to work through you.

I wanted to give everyone an update. I had my weekly Dr. visit yesterday and everything looked the same (which is a good thing I think). The Dr. said that he wanted me to come back next week (Thursday the 10th) and that he may decide to induce me on Friday or Saturday. So…I could meet Mary Grace in a week! He may hold off until the 17th but expressed fear of waiting too much longer and does not want to take any chances. Please pray that she will turn from the breach position, that my body will be more ready for induction and that the Doctor and nurses will have the wisdom they need to move forward and help us to make the right decisions. I have had a pretty down day, I am scared…not only of the unknown but the known. I do not want to be without my sweet Mary Grace and I fear that time is coming. I fear I will not come back from this. So…I know so many of you are praying for these fears and I ask that you continue to do so. I need you all and praise God for each of you. Continue to pray for my family, my girls and my friends who are going through this type of thing with me. I have been singing an old hymn to myself today and want to share the words with you…………

I’m pressing on the upward way,New heights I’m gaining every day;Still praying as I onward bound,“Lord, plant my feet on higher ground.”

Lord, lift me up and let me stand,By faith, on heaven’s table land,A higher plane than I have found;Lord, plant my feet on higher ground.

My heart has no desire to stayWhere doubts arise and fears dismay;Though some may dwell where those abound,My prayer, my aim, is higher ground.
I want to live above the world,Though Satan’s darts at me are hurled;For faith has caught the joyful sound,The song of saints on higher ground.
I want to scale the utmost height,And catch a gleam of glory bright;But still I’ll pray till heaven I’ve found,“Lord, plant my feet on higher ground.”

Lord, lift me up and let me stand,By faith, on heaven’s table land,A higher plane than I have found;Lord, plant my feet on higher ground.

Three Weeks to Go!!

2007-12-29T04:18:00.000-08:00

Another restless night……but it’s okay. I am reaching the uncomfortable time in a pregnancy when you have to roll over about every hour, or go potty, or blow your nose from congestion. But…let me make clear I am not wishing this one away – for obvious reasons. The last few nights I have been able to go back to sleep and get good rest, ,so that’s been good. But…not tonight. Tonight my mind is racing so I thought I would come check on my friends. The last few days with Christmas and company being here I haven’t had the time to get on line….but my new friends fill my thoughts throughout the day, and I wonder and pray for how they are doing.

I had my 34th week Dr. appointment on Thursday. Was a bit of surprise, why I don’t know…I mean I am 34 weeks and should expect to be making plans. But…it got here sooner that I am mentally ready for. Maybe preparing for Christmas threw me off (a welcome relief). My Dr. said to pencil in the 17th of January, 3 weeks!! He said my fluid level is increasing and Mary’s weight is lagging more, so he is concerned to wait much longer than that in fear that we will not have time with her. So…I go weekly and we will make decisions as we go. Wow, have my thoughts been racing. I woke up yesterday morning and called Mom in tears. She asked what are you thinking…and I couldn’t come up with what I was thinking. Just needed a good cry I guess, which feels good for some odd reason. It’s hard to cry because the numbness is always there, so when I can get it out, it feels good. Honestly, I am scared. I am scared for this to be over, I am scared of Mary Grace not being with me any more. I am scared of not knowing how things are going to play out. I am scared for my little girl’s hearts to be broken when they lose their baby Sister. I am scared of the moment so many describe as somehow being beautiful (by God’s grace) being a nightmare for me, the kicking and screaming kind. I know that my God will take care of me, but I am scared non-the less.

My little baby Allison turned 5 on Thursday and we have her birthday party today (Saturday). Of course on our children’s birthday we replay every moment of that day in our thoughts….I remember being so excited for our family. When they said “it’s a girl” I remember the feeling of overwhelming joy that I had a 2nd daughter, that Kailey was a big SISTER, that Allison was so perfect and precious. I remember feeling so excited to bring her home and having everything ready for her. While replaying this in my mind on Thursday, I couldn’t help but be overwhelmed by sadness. When the reality of 3 weeks hit……I felt sad because in my mind I know that God could work a miracle, but honestly I don’t feel this is his plan. I hope the lack of faith doesn’t hurt my outcome, and I know that God doesn’t work that way, but I have to be honest in my thoughts. I feel sad because I feel like I am preparing to give Mary Grace up…not bring her home. I am preparing for a funeral not a home coming with excitement and joy. And although I should be rejoicing in the fact that she will be free of this world, this t-18 junk and she will be in Jesus’ arms….I want to keep her. I want her to be with us not in Heaven.
I know God is in control, I know he loves me, I know he loves my family and he will take care of us…I know that none of us know the outcome and I shouldn’t play thoughts of the unknown in my mind. But…I can’t help it sometimes….so I will go take a nice relaxing 6 a.m. bath, read some scripture and prepare for a nice day with my girls. And this reminds me how quickly our thoughts can change, how quickly God can real me back in. Praise him! Praise him! Praise him! He said to me….Do not be afraid…so I will work on that.

Please pray for these specifics:
Mary’s growth to increase
That she will turn from the breach position so things are not complicated
That my Dr. and nurses will be just the right ones to be with us during this time and that God will give them and us the wisdom we need for the decisions ahead of us.
That we will have time with Mary Grace…..just the right amount of time for us
That our families can make it to Texas at the right time
That I can control my thoughts and fears
That God will blanket my Kailey and Allison with his protective love

A Good Week; A Good Day

2007-12-21T17:18:00.000-08:00

Well it’s been a good week. As you know I can have my moments but God has been carrying me through every day and although some days I may be heavier and more of a load to carry, most moments are good. This week has mostly been good because I have stayed so busy getting ready for Christmas. Chris helped with the cards this year, which was a big relief, and I do like shopping for him and the girls very much. I love the real “real reason for the season” more than anything (especially this year). How God chose to send his only Son to the world as a baby, to a woman like Mary, born in a lowly stable, to live among sinners and to sacrifice himself for us in the most horrific way....... so that we could be saved and spend eternity with him….and all we have to do is believe and accept him!! That’s it, just believe!! I am so thankful for Jesus and so thankful for his promises, his promises that make everything that happens here on earth fail in comparison to what Heaven will bring us. I am thankful for God’s perfection!

Chris has the rest of the year off starting today and we had a really good day. It’s been a while since he has had some time off to do NOTHING and I didn’t realize how doing the daily “stuff” by myself has put me in a rut. He has always been the kind of Husband and Father who helps out a lot and I am thankful for him every day…..but just getting the normal stuff done when I feel like my life is anything but “normal” has kind of been getting to me. Kailey went to school for half the day so Chris and I was able to spend some time talking this morning about nothing really and then Allison came and got in the bed with us and we loved on each other and cuddled. Why don’t we take time for that more often?? Then we got some paperwork stuff done that we have been putting off and the rest of the cards out. Kailey got home and we went to a lake nearby and Mary Grace took her first hike. It was beautiful weather and Chris and our three girls and I hiked and found really neat treasures like fish bones, smooth rocks, a broken fishing pole and shells. Then we went fishing but caught nothing. There were several moments when Satan was trying to get to me, I was trying to imagine never getting to go hiking and fishing with Mary Grace, thinking about next Christmas and her not being with me any more. There was a time when the girls were climbing rocks with Chris and I was able to have about 15 minutes to myself to reflect on the day and listen to the water and think…well you know the thoughts that come racing – the negative ones, but I stopped Satan in his tracks today!! HA!! I said I am hiking and fishing with Mary Grace and she is with me now, she is with me today and I will have fun in it! It worked…..today. It was a really nice, normal, non-hurried day and I am thankful for it!

This week while reading a few other blog sites from precious Mommy’s who are in the same shoes I am in, I found comfort, peace and thoughts that really helped me to think differently this week. Thoughts on Christmas and its focus, thoughts on how to enjoy this celebration of Christ and to not let Satan still this year with my girls from me. Also something in particular was shared at a prayer meeting for Maddox Stanfield by his Mommy's (Kenzie) Pastor. I printed it out and have read it every day, several times a day. It’s something I believe but have never been able to word it like he has. I do not mean to copy…but I wanted to share it with you because it is what I believe and reading over it every day has given me comfort. I know Kenzie would want me to share/copy! I put Mary’s name in and a few additions for myself where applicable.

He said “There is a guarantee of a healed body, hopefully here on Earth, but definitively in Heaven in the presence of our God. Mary Grace will for sure be free of the extra 18th chromosome that invades every cell of her body. Life begins at conception. God has created Mary Grace inside of me and although we may not know her immediate destination, we know that he doesn’t make mistakes! That each and every child created, whether lost to miscarriage, stillbirth, or early infant death, was created in God’s image to be brought into the presence of the Holy One. In God’s perfect creation, this wouldn’t be happening…but we live in a fallen world, full of sin and evil. And still, God has His hand upon us. He has ordained each child conceived in a mother’s womb to have an everlasting life with Him. If for no other reason then to have an eternal presence with the Lord, our Mary Grace was created for a life and a purpose. Our only job is to honor that life given.” We thank Jesus for the honor to have Mary Grace as our 3rd baby girl!!

I want to again thank my new friends who are willing to share themselves so openly and honestly. I hope you all realize how much it helps me and others to get through every day!

A hymn comes to mind:
Oh Victory in Jesus, my Savior forever. He sought me and bought me with His redeeming blood. He loved me ere I knew Him and all my love is due Him, He plunged me to victory beneath the cleansing flood.
I have the Victory! And Satan you may hold my thoughts captive at times and you may pull me down sometimes but I have Victory and you can never, ever win that battle!! It's already won!!Praise Jesus!!

Can't sleep

2007-12-14T22:40:00.000-08:00

When I got in bed tonight, miraculously I wasn’t focusing on Mary Grace. We had watched a movie, got into bed and was talking about something not related to this pregnancy! Then…. Chris turned out the light and the thoughts immediately came rushing in. How does that happen? One minute fine, the very next a nut case. I was having a break down with all the thoughts jumping from one thing to another and I had to get out of bed for fear of keeping Chris awake and/or having to talk about my feelings that I have no idea how to explain. So…I had to come check on my friends and try to maybe write some thoughts down. Who knows where this is going to go????

There are times that I have to stop and think, is this really happening? Is this a bad dream that just seems real? Then when I actually get myself together the reality hits me that I am 32 weeks pregnant and I not preparing to raise my 3rd daughter. How do I accept this? I had a pretty productive day cleaning the house, getting laundry caught up and the thought occurred, am I nesting? Then it hits me that I had that energy today that I had with Kailey then with Allison but what is it for today? Then honestly I felt bitter, I felt bitter that my “nesting” energy is used on my every day laundry not on preparing a nursery for Mary Grace or getting her things washed with Dreft for her to wear when she comes home. What in the world is happening, how can I possibly be okay with this?

Then I think about parents who have 2, 3 and 4 year olds that have cancer, for some reason can’t walk all of the sudden and have to go through testing or have just simply lost there children tragically. And I think, Oh God please don’t ever let that happen to me/us – I know that I could not handle that – I could not give up my girls- no can’t do that, can’t handle anything major happening to them!! I had even said when I first learned that this baby could have t-18, before I knew it was a girl, before I knew her as my Mary Grace, that if it was in my life’s story to have to lose a child, then I would rather lose this one than Kailey or Allison. And just thinking those thoughts and saying those words actually makes me sick, it breaks my heart. To even have to be in a position to think that is unbearable. It makes me feel guilty in ways I can’t explain but the thought of Mary hearing me say those words or think those thoughts kill me. I want her to know that I love her, I want her, I want to keep her, I want to raise her, I want to rock her and sing to her every night like I have Kailey and Allison. I want her to wear the outfits that I have loved on Kailey and Allison, I want to have the family room junked with baby toys so I can complain about the mess all of the time, I want to lose cabinet space to her baby food and sippy cups….the list goes on and on. But…the house structure will not change, there will be no baby room for Mary, toys will stay in the toy room…things will look the same, I will even look the same eventually. But…the truth is…the house will not be the same, I will not be the same, we will not be the same because although we are still praying for a miracle, realistically we will not get to keep Mary Grace with us. And even though I would rather have had Mary Grace with us for a moment than not at all, it still breaks my heart, I still feel sad, I still feel anger and it will break my heart to give her up…..even to Jesus.

Keep praying for me please, and even though this entry may not look like it, God is carrying us and helping us through this time. I never want it to look like he is not with us because he truly is – his grace is sufficient and we do have joy in our hearts. Moral of this story don’t write at 1:20 a.m. in the midst of a break down!!

Just an Update

2007-12-12T07:54:00.000-08:00

I wanted to give everyone an update on my Doctor visit yesterday. I am, this week 32 weeks. I had an ultrasound yesterday and a Dr. appointment and went well. Mary’s heart rate is still looking good at 146 – she is measuring about 2 weeks behind now so that gap is getting a little bigger each time. She is gaining weight so that’s good. I have more amniotic fluid than I should but nothing abnormal with t-18 babies. The Doctor said that if nothing happens between now and 38 weeks he would like to induce me then to have Mary in a controlled setting - he feels she will be ready then – so 6 more weeks to go. I sat in his office yesterday and felt numb and sad in the reality of it all. That Mary and this pregnancy can seem so “normal” and the outcome still looks the same.
With all the sweet babies with Trisomy 18 or something similar that I have got to know, every story and outcome is different. So I can’t help but wonder, be excited even fear what mine/ours will be. Most of the time I do not allow myself to go there yet but as the date approaches it seems that my mind will be “there” before I know it. I pray to God daily that with his all-knowing power that he helps me to accept his timing and know that it’s what is right for Mary Grace.

My Mom and Dad went to the local Christian Radio station in KY last night (WDFB – 1170AM and 88.1 FM) and held a prayer meeting for Mary Grace. My Dad has bought a little outfit for Mary to come home in and they anointed it and prayed for her. The preacher that I grew up with runs this radio station and has been so close to our family for many years. We are blessed to know him (Bro. Don Drake) and his family and to have them as prayer warriors! We are continuing to pray for a miracle!

Please pray specifically:
That God will continue to be glorified in all of this.
Mary’s weight and growth will continue to increase.
My spirits to stay uplifted and that my mind and heart would stay focused on Christ, his goodness and truth and not focused on fear and doubt.
A Miracle for Mary and an acceptance of whatever that may be
Praise Jesus for Tristan Hostetter - He is home and is now 10 days old!!
Pray for my neice Tara - she is not feeling the best with her symptoms from Lupus (she is 15)

Almost every day Kailey Mae leaves for school or Allison goes to school I say “This is the day that the Lord has made” and they say – “we will rejoice and be glad in it”. I want to live that every day – I want to show them what that looks like – I want to show them that it’s real and not just words we say. Only with God can I do that right now, but then again only with him can I do anything….. and with him ALL things are possible.

My Dream.....

2007-12-07T14:30:00.000-08:00

I had a dream last night about Mary and it was not the first time I have had it, so it has tugged on my heart to share it.

I dreamed that I was pregnant with quadruplets (and nobody knew – not even the doctors!) and all 4 babies had T-18. Three of the babies decided to get together and take all the 3rd 18th chromosomes for themselves and let Mary live! Mary was the one that was the most kind in the womb – she moved over for the others, made them feel more comfortable and gave them kisses. They also heard and felt all the prayers that were specific to Mary because she was the only one we knew about. Mary was born perfect and healthy and the Doctors were astonished. Then I started to give birth to the other babies who did not make it. The Doctor then realized that they were the ones reading positive for t-18 but Mary was perfect!! I obviously mourned for the three babies but I didn’t realize I had them to begin with and Mary was going to get to stay with us. We were the .01%!! The Doctors didn’t give God the credit for a miracle they just said it was the other babies who had it all along. I shouted out that God had healed Mary and that he took the t-18 from her body and gave it to the ones who were willing to be sacrificed.
When I woke up – I lay there and thought about this dream and the possibility of it. Can you imagine the joy?!!

I started thinking about all the hidden meanings I could take from this dream. The first thought was Jesus. The ultimate sacrifice. God gave his only son to suffer and die so that all of us could have the hope of eternity in Heaven, living in perfection. And Jesus willingly stepped down from his throne to die for us. If it had only been me on this earth – he would have still died for me. Thank you Jesus.
Then I thought why is Mary even still with me today. She is already beating the odds. She is with me first because God’s timing is perfect but also I think because she has more people to touch. She in a sense is being sacrificed to somehow, someway have Jesus and God be revealed and glorified to someone. I have always been a “good” Christian. I have loved the Lord for years and have always tried to be what he wanted me to be. But I could have never witnessed and been a testimony for God the way that I have been able to be this year without my precious daughter Mary. I have always been a Christian who has lived this life mostly by faith and feelings but have never really been knowledgeable enough of the bible to feel comfortable testifying about God – I just talk more about my feelings and not the facts. But now and the age of 37 God has given me something, something more powerful than me, something more powerful than I could have ever come up with on my own, and I pray that I make him proud through this trial. I pray that I make Mary Grace proud, she deserves the best from me, the best of this crummy circumstance because she and God have given me my dream, my 3rd Daughter and I will always be her Mom. My little girl Mary will do more and will touch more people than most living on this earth. I am so proud of her!! I will not "waste" this opportunity, I will not have this be for nothing. I love her and God too much and am too grateful to let Satan win any aspect of this battle. We are more than conquerers with Jesus on our side.

We had a session today with two wonderful photographers from the Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep foundation. They were photographing the girls hugging my belly and kissing Mary Grace like they do every night before bed. And I realized that I will have a record of this, not just from my heart and my memory, but for others to see that I am a Mother of 3 precious girls and that we are and will always be a family of five. Now abides faith, hope and love and the greatest of these is love and I am full up!!

Standing on the promises of Christ my King

2007-12-03T18:05:00.001-08:00

It has been a very sad weekend. Not only do I struggle with the reality of my own, I struggle for the dear friends I have met who are also going through this or a similar journey. I have said before that if someone has to endure this I wish I was the only one, but unfortunately I am meeting more and more who are dealing with t-18. This weekend the Luce family met and had to let go of their sweet precious girl Poppy Joy. And although they “beat the odds” and got to spend some time with Poppy, it just doesn’t seem like enough – it doesn’t seem fair that we should rejoice in 3 hours. But we do and the Luce family does. How faithful is that!? Please continue to pray for them.

I said to a friend today that as long as we have our babies in our tummies that we have hope that at least one of us will be the full-blown miracle, the .01%, but as time passes there is more loss and it is heartbreaking. It scares me to be upset about “only 3 hours” because I would rather have that than nothing at all with Mary, but God knows I want more. Isn’t that okay? So please continue to pray that I will have some time with Mary Grace and that my bitterness will not take away from what God has in store for us. Please pray that I will continue to find joy in this situation and that the sadness does not let me allow Satan to win the battle he is waging against me. Greater is he that is in me, than he that is in the world. I’m standing on the promises of Christ my King, and Satan will not win – he will not steal my joy, he will not take away the great things God has in store for my family. God will carry me when I cannot walk, he will walk beside me when I can walk and he will take care of me when I feel like I cannot make it through this. How do I know this, because he said so!

One thing I would like to specifically praise God for is the opportunity to share this journey with sweet Angie, Emily, Chrissi, Yvette, Kenzie, Mandy, Kristen, Boothe and more. The more I read of their hearts the stronger I feel that I can make it through this. I am amazed at their strength and faithfulness to our Savior Jesus Christ. I am honored that God chose us for such a thing as this and however difficult it is, I can’t wait to see what he has in store for us. I know I couldn’t make it without them, they are each a great support. God is using them and I am thankful. I am also so thankful again for all the support and prayers we continue to receive from our dear family and friends. We could not do it without you. The cards, e-mails and messages to our blog help us to stay focused on the good of this – thank you. I want to also recognize the total strangers who have poured out their hearts and prayers to me. I am so thankful for you all.
Most importantly I am thankful that Jesus will never leave or forsake me and that he is faithful to his promises.

Please continue to pray for the Hostetter Family. Tristan was born today. I will be checking their blog for updates so please feel free to do the same. I pray that God will continue to bless them with sweet time with their new precious baby boy!

My sweet and loving Aunt Rita sent me a card from Nashville and I wanted to share a quote that she wrote to me from Beth Moore. “When our hearts are hemorrhaging never forget that Christ binds and compresses them with a nail scarred hand. Christ never allows the hearts of his own to be shattered without excellent reasons and eternal purposes.” Thank You Aunt Rita, I really needed that today!

Sweet Poppy Joy

2007-12-02T17:19:00.000-08:00

I wanted everyone of my prayer warriors to pray for the Luce family. I have had a weekend of checking my computer almost hourly to catch updates on this sweet baby girl, Poppy Joy. I have had the honor of meeting several friends who are going through this t-18 journey and have found strength and comfort from each of them. Angie Luce (Poppy's Mom) has particularly been one of those sweet women who has reached out to me and helped me to find some joy and hope with what we have been challenged with. I am in awe of her strength and Godly wisdom and how she shares her faith and love of Jesus.
Angie was expected to meet Poppy on December 6th but on Saturday after hours of contractions, the Dr. decided to deliver Poppy. Poppy was born and Angie, Nathan, Marianna and a ton of friends were able to meet her alive. They were blessed with 3 wonderful hours but as you can understand, this will never be enough. 3 hours, 3 years, 3 decades, 3 lifetimes will never be enough for us to have with our sweet babies. So....the days/months ahead will be difficult and I pray that God will give them peace that can only come from him. Please read Nathan's (Poppy's Dad) entry about her birth and pray for them as they go through the next phase of this heartache. (I have Poppy as a link).

I along with others are comforted in the fact that Jesus is holding sweet Poppy now. She is with Copeland, Jonathon, Eliot, Miller Grace, Madeline and so many others and they are perfect, they are well and they are happy. Yes, we want them with us, but if that is not how it is to be, then praise God they are with our Savior and his promises are being fulfilled to us. They have no tears, sickness or sadness in their life, just perfection, sweet perfection. Something we will never have until we are with them.

God bless the Luce family. They are faithful and they will continue to be blessed. My heart aches for them but I know through the grace of our Savior Jesus Christ, they will be okay. We will be okay.

I ask that you also pray for Tristan Ashton Hostetter, another sweet baby that I have been in prayer for. He will be born tomorrow, so please lift him and his family up in your prayers.

Jesus give us strength to get through these horrible circumstances and to keep our eye on the prize, you - Sweet Jesus - you!

Right Now

2007-11-28T15:05:00.000-08:00

I cannot sit here at the computer and hear my two girls outside swinging and laughing and not be thankful for what God has blessed me with. I walk through my house and am still amazed at what a wonderful home God has blessed us with – a dream home that I never imagined we would, could or should have. That brings me to the thought of my amazing husband and what a good husband, Father and provider for this family he is and how God brought Chris specifically to me. And in this moment I am happy and am thankful and I feel blessed. I at least have this, where so many do not and it reminds me to be joyful in what I have right now.

But my heavenly Father knows that this is not something I feel all the time. That more and more lately as I get further along in my pregnancy, I feel oppressed and grief stricken with the diagnosis my sweet Mary Grace has been given.

I always feel sad for a few days when I come home from Kentucky but this time my heart is way more heavy. I hate to think that the next time I would be there would possibly be to bury our sweet Mary Grace. On Monday we had to meet with the funeral home to make some arrangements and it was the most surreal thing ever. I still feel numb from it and still feel like it was not me sitting in that chair looking at caskets and talking about the details of this. Then we had to go to the cemetery to look at the plot closest to my Grandma. When I went in the office I told the lady that I could not purchase anything – I felt like I was giving up on Mary if I did that. I can not give up on Mary! It was an awful day to say the least. But I think we feel numb and depressed at times to actually protect us from real feelings.

When we got home from KY yesterday we had a Dr. appointment, sono and first meeting with the Neonatal specialist. The ultrasound was so good, Mary looks good – 2 ½ lbs, good heart rate, 4 chambers look good, her movement is good, she looked so sweet and I left the room and said to Chris, how can she look so perfect and be so perfect – it’s hard to imagine anything wrong with her?? And for a few minutes I felt maybe we could be the .01% - I mean I am one in 3,000 right??! Then we met with the Dr. and we are reminded of the truth of our situation. We are reminded of what we have to prepare for and it is overwhelming.

We had a wonderful week in Kentucky and had a very nice Thanksgiving with our family. However, on Thanksgiving morning I woke up in a funk. I tried to fake it with staying busy cooking but I didn’t feel thankful at all – I felt mad. This is the one time of year that I get to see all my family and that it should be a joyful occasion. We should all be celebrating the fact that I am pregnant with my 3rd daughter. But I couldn’t find the joy or any reason to celebrate. So….I cooked and snapped at Mom, Dad and Chris a few times (Dad maybe more) which made me feel worse but at least I wasn’t sad, just mad which to me is at least a relief from sadness!!

Thanksgiving has always been my favorite time of year. You have more time off of work to be with family and the stress that Christmas can bring (buying, crowds, money, gift giving etc) is not there. You are just thankful and with family. One of our favorite traditions is to sit around the room and all my family, cousins and friends (about 35 of us) tell what they are thankful for. Well, when I woke up I told myself all day that I was going to skip myself this year – I wasn’t going to give God any credit for anything! And as I started to listen to my wonderful Christian family one by one tell the things they are thankful for – I grew anxious, almost breathless, my heart started racing and when it was my turn I couldn’t be passed up – I couldn’t not share how truly thankful I am for EVERYTHING that God has given me. God has given me life, God has given me hope, God has given me salvation and the promise of heaven for all my loved ones and me if we just believe!! It’s free – we do not have to earn it with anything about ourselves (Thank God). I know God doesn’t expect me to like what this fallen world has done to us. He doesn’t expect me to rejoice in the fact that Mary has Trisomy 18. But he does expect my obedience. So… I will trust him, I will love him and I will thank him for everything, especially his faithfulness!
Please especially pray for Poppy Joy – I ask specifically that her head size (fluid) decrease so that Angie can have a normal c-section. They have an appointment tomorrow.
Thank you to my wonderful family and friends for your support, love and care in the most difficult time of our lives. We love you.
Kim

Mary - Jesus' Mother

2007-11-16T07:49:00.000-08:00

I have been thinking a lot about Mary – Jesus’ Mother. I have been imagining all the emotions that she must have felt when God chose her to carry his only son; fear, anxiety, excitement, worry, pride, faith and much more I am sure. All the things that every Mom feels when she becomes pregnant with a precious gift from God. When the angel came to Mary and told her the “plan” she simply asked, “how will this be since I am a virgin?” and the angel told her that “ the holy spirit will come upon you and the power of the most high will overshadow you. So the holy one to be born will be called the Son of God. Even Elizabeth your relative is going to have a child in her old age, and she who was said to be barren is in her sixth month. For NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE WITH GOD”. Then Mary didn’t say – well I am not sure if I can do this, I am not sure if this is right for me, I am not sure if I can fulfill his plan that will be to give him up some day. She just said “I am the Lord’s servant, may it be to me as you have said” She didn’t think of all the possibilities of what could happen, that unless Joseph agreed to marry her that she may never get married. If her father rejected her and kicked her out that she may be homeless and forced to do whatever it took to survive. That people would think she was nuts when she told them that she was carrying God’s son. She didn’t even realize the greatness of what God had in store for her, she only knew that she was his servant and she willingly obeyed. My study bible says that if we offer ourselves willingly, even when the outcome seems disastrous God will carry us and never let us go. Praise Jesus!

Even before God chose Mary to be Jesus’ Mother, he also had planned that I would be Kailey, Allison and Mary Grace’s Mom and I am forever grateful. Mary had 33 years and 9 months carrying Jesus and every day she knew she would have to give him up – did she choose not to be obedient because it would be to difficult to give up her son– no. Can we ever have too many days with our children, do we EVER want to give them up – NO! I have known for 11 weeks that my time with Mary will be very limited, that I am not even guaranteed another day, but I would not change a thing, I would not choose to not have her in my life, she is my precious baby that will FOREVER be mine, nothing can take her away from me, definitely not death thanks to the blood of my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. It also reminds me that none of us have a guarantee of tomorrow with any of our children and that we need to cherish every minute with each of them. I pray that I am reminded of this every minute of every day of my life. This is yet another precious gift that my Mary Grace has given me.

Thank you Jesus for all my gifts. Thank you especially this day for Mary Grace and no matter how much or little time I have with her, that I am grateful. Thank you for choosing me to be the earthly mother of Kailey, Allison and Mary and help me to be the steward that you had planned for them. Nothing is impossible with you my sweet Jesus and I pray that you help me to accept whatever comes our way.

A hard day, but I am on the winning side

2007-11-12T21:50:00.000-08:00

It seems when I am around people I feel strong, almost normal and I feel like I can focus on something else other than Mary’s condition. Then, when I am by myself ALL I can think about is Mary Grace. How can you feel so strong and in an instant later feel like crawling in your bed and sobbing? I had a dear friend call tonight with an issue she was sad about. We talked and she said about 30 minutes into the conversation that her problem wasn’t anything like we were dealing with and that she was sorry to not have asked about me/us. I told her, no offense but it actually feels good to not be the focus of the conversation. Not that I want her to have the problem to discuss but that I feel tired of being the “needy” friend. Since my miscarriage two years ago, through our one year of trying to get pregnant and a few months of infertility treatment and through 28 weeks of pregnancy, I have been the “needy” friend and honestly I do not like the spotlight.

Today has been hard. The weekend I had to look forward to is over, Chris is traveling and I am on my own with the girls. They are such good girls that it’s not hard work wise with them, but my mind will not turn off. Every night our routine is to read, sing hymns then pray. Side note: Our church has mostly praise music which I love, but even more than verses from the bible, old hymns move and speak to me – when I am down I can start singing “Blessed Assurance” and it helps heal me. So….I want my girls to learn the hymns, to have them hidden in their hearts for good and bad moments in life– so I have a hymnal from the church I grew up in. When I sing at night I can’t help but get visuals of having my 3 girls in the same room while I sing. Kailey singing with me, Allison dancing like a ballerina and Mary Grace lying on the floor smiling at the two of them, kicking and wiggling her arms. Then of course I get sad. Then come the prayers. Kailey always says responsible more mature prayers from the heart. Allison says the same prayer every night that breaks my heart…she prays every night “God please help baby Mary to be healthy, we will play whatever she wants, we will sing whatever she wants, we will feed her whatever she wants, we love her and will even understand her”. And although I ultimately trust God, I can’t help but to wonder sometimes how he can seem to ignore such precious and pure prayers.
I asked Chris to take over some of the insurance issues because I don’t feel I can handle it. Well because of patient confidentiality he can’t talk to the case nurse assigned to us. So….I had to make the call today to register for the “special” program. They asked lots of questions and one was……are you depressed, feel down or feel anxiety? I said well I feel down and depressed which fueled a whole other list of questions regarding my mental stability. After all that…..they said they offer a program where a nurse will come meet with me one time to explain what preterm labor is, and will provide me with educational resources. Come on……can I get a break here?? What am I suppose to be asking for, what am I suppose to be doing, who am I suppose to be contacting? I am 28 weeks this week and I am suppose to be getting a nursery ready, I am suppose to be buying cute new clothes, I am suppose to be going through all the hand me down clothes and washing them and putting them in a new dresser for the baby!!!! I feel lost, I feel unmotivated to do anything, least of all call case nurses and funeral homes!!
We talked this weekend about funeral plans. How do you do that? How did we get here? It’s crazy we have to think of these things right now. We do not know if Texas is going to be our “forever” home so I do not want Mary Grace to be buried here. So…while in KY for Thanksgiving should we be talking to funeral homes? Looking at caskets?? How does Mary get there, how can I leave her there? I mean, it’s crazy to be in this position and I can’t help but to feel angry about it sometimes. I know that this is normal but I don’t like the feeling, I don’t want to feel it but I know God knows my heart and that’s just being honest.
Here are some specific prayer requests. I covet your prayers.

First that we will have time with Mary Grace, we can look in her eyes and hold her close and that the girls can meet their sister. Allison specifically is excited about changing Mary’s diaper, I pray she can change at least one.

It’s hard for me to pray this but if you could for me……that if it would be God’s will that there could still be a full-blown miracle, that we could beat the odds and that I can dig deep for that hope.

If a miracle isn’t God’s plan, that I would continue to have a wonderful pregnancy, feel Mary lots and that we would go full term for the birth. That my family can make it to Texas for the birth and have some time with Mary as well.

That we could gain the knowledge of taking care of what we should be or need to be taking care of with clarity and strength (the details).

Pray for our entire family, extended included to know how to handle all of this.

That our appointment with the Neonatal specialist on the 27th would go well and that we can be equipped with the information and knowledge we need while moving forward with our birth plan.

Continue to pray that through all the emotions that are felt during this, that God is glorified in all of them.

Please pray for Eva Janette and her family. She's a new precious baby added to my blog who has been diagnosed with T-18.

A hymn comes to mind that I want to close this crazy day and probably this disoriented blog with.

Along the way of life are many foes, that daily war against my soul;
But constant victory my Savior gives to me, as I press on to the goal

On the winning side, I’m on the winning side, I’m on the winning side with Jesus; Though hot may be the fray, my soul can boldly say, I’m on the winning side with Jesus

The battle may be long and hard to win, and Satan’s host may press me sore:
But though I may be tried, I’m on the winning side, I shall triumph ever more.

On the winning side, I’m on the winning side, I’m on the winning side with Jesus; Though hot may be the fray, my soul can boldly say, I’m on the winning side with Jesus

With courage in my soul I’ll do my part, for Jesus I will loyal stand;
So on the winning side triumphant I abide with the faithful holy band

On the winning side, I’m on the winning side, I’m on the winning side with Jesus; Though hot may be the fray, my soul can boldly say, I’m on the winning side with Jesus.

God and his people are so good

2007-11-10T06:31:00.000-08:00

I have been needing to blog since my first post to say a lot of things that are on my mind. However my family from Maryland were coming for a visit this weekend and it was a great task to get the house ready for company. I am not complaining because believe me, I need the incentive nowadays to clean the toilets!!
I want to first share with you how my morning started. I was going to get to sleep in until 8:00 and my honey came in the room at 7:00 - I said "now why are you coming in here at 7:00?" (in a sweet voice of course). He said your friends have done something special for you. So I get up and look outside in my front yard and there are pink and white baloons surrounding my sidewalk with prayers attached to them. We got the girls up and my Mother and Father in law came outside and I felt the presence of God and my friends all around us. The girls were excited and loved Anna and Kathryn's art work. I read prayer after prayer and was overwhelmed by the love we have in our lives. Thank you to my friends and thank you to God for placing them all in my life - without God or you we could not get through this. The girls cut each balloon which was a symbol of that prayer and thought going to Heaven. I have never been touched by something so much. Chris of course got it on video and we will have that memory of love and prayers for Mary Grace forever!
The next thing I wanted to share is how moved I am by the comments on my blog. You are all so wonderful. I am sad however to find more and more sweet Mommies and families that are going through this or something similar. I have added a few more names to my blog for you to visit and add to your prayers. I truely wish we were the only case of this t-18 but we are not by far so we share in prayers, faith, hope and love for all of our babies. May God help all my new friends and their babies through their difficult time - my heart aches for each of them.
The thing that I am reminded of is... this is what life is all about. Lifting each other up, praying for each other - not just in the hard times but in the good times. I prayed to God last night about how proud he must be of all his children. His children are holding on to him, depending on him and witnessing to others about his love and Grace - even in the darkest times possible people are finding purpose, the angels are rejoicing I know. Mary Grace is reminding me of this daily - well hourly honestly and I am thankful for her and everything she has already brought to me.
I am not sleeping that well....mostly because when I wake up and Mary is moving around I do not want to go back to sleep to miss any of it. I cherish every kick of her precious club feet. The other night I woke up and started to feel the soreness of my hips like I did with Kailey and Allison - and thought okay so this begins. I started to complain to a friend the next day about my hips hurting and I had to take it back. I would take my hips hurting and keeping me up forever if I could just keep her with me. I want this pregnancy to last forever because when it's over we have to say goodbye to our sweet girl. But...that's selfish I know.....I know she is the one out of all of us that will never have to suffer the things this fallen world gives to us, she will be with Jesus - our ultimate prize. Pray that I can remember that when the time comes.
I had a question on my blog - I was 14 weeks when the talk of all of this started but it was confirmed at 18 weeks that she had T-18.
Well, I am going to go to Dallas with my husband for a night away while family is here. God knew I needed those prayers this morning, now I feel I can actually enjoy our time today and tonight, that we can feel uplifted and encouraged by the outpouring of love from our friends.
Thank you so much for everything, mostly for your faithfulness to God and to us! God is so good, God is so good, God is so good, he's so good to me!!

Finding My Way

2007-11-07T01:44:00.001-08:00

Well, this is my first posting. I have been pretty much addicted to reading about others who share in my experience, grief and battle with this thing called Trisomy 18. I am not much of a writer or communicater (if not talking) so please be patient and understanding. Also , this doesn't have spell check!! I am having a hard time knowing what to say or where to start. I guess I will start with my story.

I am 37 years old and have such wonderful blessings in my life. I am blessed with possibly the best husband God could have ever given me. I have two beautiful, precious daughters with one more on the way. I am blessed with a great family who are all believers in Christ and have the promise of eternity with Jesus Christ our savior - the best gift ever and the only thing that makes any trial in life liveable. My Mom and Dad live in Kentucky and are my best friends. I have the most perfect Sister and simply the most loving Brother in the world. My Brother has blessed me with a wonderful sister inlaw and 2 awesome nieces and a great nephew. My husband's family lives in Maryland and I couldn't ask for a better family there. His Mom and Dad are great and supportive and his brother is like my own. His "Memom" is the most precious lady ever. I could list all of our wonderful family but there are too many to mention. I have wonderful friends in KY, MD and TX! I know God brought us to TX so that I would have the friends I have in my life, right now in my life.

After our second daughter turned 3, we decided that we were not finished that we wanted another baby. We tried for a few months and got pregnant and were thrilled. This pregnancy ended at 8 weeks and I was very disappointed, however I had hope that it was just one of those things that God knew was not right. My very first pregnancy I miscarried so I felt equipped to handle this after being blessed with two precious girls. So.....we carried on, and on and on and on and after about 1 year of trying we went to the Doctors. After 2 months of fertility treatment, we were pregnant. The first 12 weeks I felt so scared but then after the first trimester - I was "safe!". Then at 14 weeks some blood work came back "extrememly low values" - I will never forget those words at the beginning of this journey. They repeated it and I just knew it was one of those dumb things that would turn out okay. Well - it was the same so my Ob sent me to a specialist who performed a level 2 ultrasound. They saw "markers" for a chromosome abnormalitiy (club feet, a hand malformation, a 2 vessel cord). I had no problems with such little things but.....they wanted to do an amnio and I told them I would not terminate for any reason so I do not think so. They informed me they thought it could be trisomy 18 - something not compatible with life and that I should be prepared, regardless of what I would or would not do. I came home and began a week long, non sleep, tormented time of research into what this t-18 is. I was horrified that the outcome is pretty much death. I knew I needed to be prepared if for nothing else, my other two girls who prayed for a baby brother or sister for so long. They did the test and 8 long days later, they verified the worst. I was and still am most of the time, in shock. I wasn't one of those stories of "oh, we had test come back crazy, we did an amnio and everything was fine" or "oh, they told us that our baby would not make it and she is perfect!". All the heart wrenching prayers from TX, to MD, to Kentucky didn't work!! How could this be???

I felt so alone, so confused and so lost. I started looking at support pages and found that people actually live through this, their faith actually is strengthened by these precious babies and that this may not be the end of my life!! I began to realize after about 3 weeks of being really depressed and non functional that I needed to be okay for my other girls and for my husband. So...I started to think differently. I started to see that this baby IS an answer to our prayers, that she had been given to us specifically for a reason and that I was her Mother and had a responsiblity to her to love and find joy in her existence - she deserves that!! I began to pray that God would help me enjoy every moment of my pregnancy, that I would feel her move lots and that I could rejoice while she is with me and mourn only when the time will be here to mourn. God has helped and sustained me, Chris and our girls. We are loving Mary Grace, enjoying her and would not ever choose to not have her in our lives. Because of Jesus she will always be with us and we will look forward to eternity with each other.

Our bible study group had just wrapped up doing "Having a Mary Heart in a Martha World". I started to imagine my little girl sitting at the feet of Jesus, worshiping and adoring him as Mary did - thus the name Mary and grace...... is our hope. Thank God that we do not have to be perfect, we do not have to earn our way to heaven, that by Jesus' blood and his GRACE we will be with him for eternity. Thank you Jesus for your promises, for your love and for your grace - they are the things that are helping me through the days and will take me to my Mary Grace some day.

I was going to journal my thoughts in a word document and keep them to myself. I was just going to find encouragement through other posts since I am not good at this. But on Sunday night one family I had been following lost their little boy to t-18 before they got to meet him. I was devestated for them and scared for me. I followed her post and saw that everything was going pretty good and they would probably get to have some time with him before he went to be with Jesus. I had been encouraged through other stories that Mary would probably make it to birth and that we may have some time with her. After he didn't make it - I will be honest - I was angry, angry because...come on....we are not asking for much.....one hour, one day, is that too much to ask for??!!! Then I read the Mom and Dad's post right after they lost Jonathon " God's presence and comfort was intimately present through the service and care of His people. His grace was immense through this time of grief. He is so good and has sustained us through this as He has promised. I know there is much more to come, but we praise Him and trust Him because He is faithful.". If they could actually write and feel that then I can too! This is why I am addicted to the blogs, this is why I read and this is why I must share. God WILL sustain me, he PROMISED that if I love him he will work this for my good and he does what he said he will do - I know I am not perfect and I have a lot of questions that I will probably never see answered but I do love him, he knows I do!!