Please pray for Kenzie and Baby Faith Clare

Hi Friends,
As you know, one of the sweetest girls I have met through this trisomy 18 journey is Kenzie Stanfield - Maddox's sweet mommy. From the moment I met her we had a connection, not just because our baby angels are in Heaven, but because of our hearts. It's hard to explain the connection but I feel like she has been a part of my whole life and I have only spent time with her face to face twice. We will be life long friends I know. I remember so many details of her and sweet Maddox's journey as me and Mary Grace went through ours. Sweet,beautiful and heart breaking details.

When I met her in Austin in May to talk about our sweet angels, she had a little belly growing already with a new miracle little girl. Since then I have prayed for this sweet baby and for Kenzie, that she would have peace about this pregnancy and enjoy every minute of it.

I received a text message from her last night saying that she went to the Dr. and he admitted her into the hospital because she was in preterm labor at 26 weeks. I immediately began to pray and while waking up in the middle of the night twice immediately prayed. I got an update from her this morning and contractions have slowed down, she will be on bed rest and hopefully will get to go home tomorrow. I have such a peace about this but ask that you pray for Kenzie and Faith as they go through the rest of this pregnancy. I ask that God keeps that baby in her mommy's belly so that she will continue to grow and be knit together perfectly! Pray for peace and comfort for Kenzie as bed rest is not easy with another little boy in the house.

God's plan is perfect, I believe it and I will hold tight to it.

"God's peace...is far more wonderful than the human mind can understand. His peace will keep your thoughts and your hearts quiet and at rest as you trust in Christ Jesus." Phil 4:7

Prayers Needed....

Hi Friends,
Yesterday I went to the celebration of life service for Jonathan Elijah Peterson. He blessed his family for 31 days on earth and will continue to bless them while he is with Jesus. I ask that you continue to pray for this dear family as they continue to miss there little boy. Jonathan's parents are Heidi and Joel and his little sister is Annika. He had Trisomy 18.

I also ask that you lift up the Paige Family. Their precious boy Christian Dale Paige was born on Monday August 18th. He went to be with Jesus on Friday August
22nd. He also had Trisomy 18 and was Ryan and Leah's first born son. Please visit their blog and let them know you are praying for them: http://thenaplespaiges.blogspot.com/

Is.43:2a-3a "When you pass through the waters, I will be with you. And when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you....For I am the Lord you God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior."

Ps. 27:13-14 "I would have despaired unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; Be strong and let your heart take courage; Yes, wait for the Lord."

Mother of three?

One of my “hang-ups” for lack of a better term, when losing Mary Grace was the fact that I have physically given birth to three babies and only have 2 with me. I have had 5 pregnancies and only have 2 babies with me. It’s hard to take and I know I have posted before about what an empty feeling it is and all the sadness that comes with it. How sad it is to know that I should be taking care of a baby right now, feeding her, waking up with her and getting frustrated that she may not be sleeping through the night yet:). Yes there is much sadness in this but I have to tell you that I wouldn’t trade the sadness for the joy I feel in my heart. I often catch myself wondering, “am I a mother of three REALLY?” When someone asks how many children I have and I have answered “two” because it’s easier……and I walk away with that pit in my stomach that I didn’t say three, it’s tough. When I have had the panic attacks and have fled to the bathroom to see Mary’s scar just to insure she really happened, it hurts. But I know, thank God, that I am truly a mother of three. Praise Jesus.

I have really had a peace about this lately. I have had an air about me and my head is held high that yes…I am a mother of three. I have three baby girls, two are with me and one is with her heavenly Father. I do not see her physically around me, but there is no doubt that she is in my heart, she is real, I feel her…and that sweet girl brings me joy. Would I choose to have her with me? Yes…..but I trust God in this…it’s not always easy, but I do.

I sometimes sing to myself (and out loud in the car when nobody is with me) “since Mary came into my heart, since Mary came into my heart, floods of joy ore my soul like the sea billows roll…since Mary came into my heart:)”.

Today I took Kailey to chick-fil-a for a get together with her class from last year. She has a great group of little girl friends and an awesome teacher. There were two moms there with little babies, a boy 3 months old and a girl brand new. When I saw them of course my first thoughts are of Mary Grace, but it wasn’t horrible. I didn’t feel bad or sad, God is good to me in these instances. Kailey was over by the mom with the baby girl (she is drawn to babies) and she yelled across the room to me “Mom, how old would Mary Grace be?” and truly there was not a feeling of ‘oh no let’s not go here” I said proudly, “7 months” with a smile (a real one) on my face, and I watched Kailey tell the mom 7 months. She didn’t have sadness on her face, Kailey proudly talked about her sister being 7 months. It felt sweet to me, it felt okay to me and honestly I loved it. I love it when Allison will sometimes still insist on setting a place mat for Mary Grace at the dinner table. Mary is a living part of our family, she is in our hearts and she is real!

I was talking with someone about Trisomy 18 and how it is a “fluky” chromosomal thing, not age related like so many would believe. Now this is something I have said so many times……but for the first time when I said “fluky” I didn’t like it, it felt horrible to me. So I back paddled and said but you know, Mary Grace was not a fluky thing, she was exactly perfect for us. I feel so proud of my third little girl and all that she has accomplished not only on this earth, but also in me. She has changed me and even with all the sadness and all the hard days, I love what Mary Grace has brought to me, the changes I feel in my heart. Again I would not trade one second of Mary Grace for anything.

We talked about faithfulness in our bible study this week. We talked about all the people that had faith in God and a lot of them didn’t even get to see what God accomplished through their life long suffering, they just obeyed Him and trusted Him. Now they are reaping the benefits of Heaven, an eternal reward. It was another reminder of all that I do have, all the good that God has given me and yes, I don’t like the fact that Mary died one bit, but God gave her to me, she is mine…how can there not be joy in that? How can I not feel blessed even if only to have her for 7 hours in my arms? How can I not praise Him every day of my life for such a gift?! I told my friends one night that I am the lucky one, the blessed one and I am so thankful that God chose me to be Mary’s mom, I am so thankful that He gave her to me.

When I meet a new mom that has had to endure or will have to endure the loss of her child, it truly breaks my heart. I can feel so discouraged by it. But when I know that Jesus is her Savior, I have a peace that she will be okay. I know that she WILL find the joy in this circumstance. I know that she WILL be blessed for her faithfulness and it comforts me!

“Suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not disappoint us, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts.” Romans 5:3-5

So….is everything perfect? No. Is everything okay? No. Are the hard and sad days behind me? No. Will there be a day when I see a baby and will not get sad or mad? Yes. Will I never again question God and what His purpose is? Absolutely NO. But…I will take it, ‘cause I am a mother of three precious sweet and perfect little girls. How sweet it is!


“The Lord will guide you always; He will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame. You will be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail.” Isaiah 58:10-12

Prayer Request - Baby Jonathan Peterson

Hi Friends,
I am on a little trip with my husband right now. His parents came from MD to watch the girls while I joined him for a few days on a business trip.
I have an important prayer request that I need you to be praying about. The photographer who took Mary Grace's pictures has become a very dear friend of mine. She told me of another Mom she had met who's baby had been diagnosed with T-18. Baby Jonathan was born a month ago and his family has been blessed with some precious time with him. Amber (my friend) called this morning and told me that he passed away early this morning. I have corresponded a few times via e-mail with his precious mom Heidi. My heart breaks for this family right now. I ask that you be on your knees praying for this family today and in the weeks to come. We know that sweet Jonathan is in Heaven dancing with Jesus now in perfection and I praise Him for that, but we also know that a family has empty arms that should be filled with their sweet boy. This bitter/sweet feeling is tough to balance, so I pray God will give them the peace that only comes from Him and that He will carry them in His hand!

Thank you Jesus for your promises, we will hold on dearly to them.

My Old Kentucky Home

Well I am back in Texas from my trip HOME to Kentucky. Back to the piles of laundry, paperwork, bills, housework and piles and piles of REALITY. My time in Kentucky was good. I had lots of time with family and friends. I got to see everyone (minus just a few) of some of the most important people in my life. There was no schedule; no agenda just spending time with family and it was good. Mom was off for summer break and so was my Sister. I had lots of time with them and it was so nice. My Mom’s neighbor had a cat that just had kittens and some how they ended up on Mom’s back porch. The girls loved them. We had to force them to put them down some so they could nurse from their mommy. It was so neat to see that even a Cat mommy could love her kittens so much. I was able to share a cup of coffee every morning with Mom and sit on her back porch until it was too hot. We were blessed to have time with cousins that visited with us from Nashville. The girls played non-stop with their other cousins and so I barely saw them for 10 days except for when they still wanted their nightly song and prayers from Mommy. I was also able to spend some good time with my Dad, made him some hot fudge brownie sundaes and was reminded how much he really loves his family. He loves having us all together and you can tell. The thing the girls talk about the most when going to Pa and Grandma's house is that Pa will take them shopping and buy them everything they want, and he does every time which leaves me purging some old stuff when I get home. It's worth it though cause they love it. I was also blessed with some time with Emily (Miller Graces' Mommy). We met half way, an hour drive for each of us, had dinner and spent a lot of time talking with that comfort level we have with each other. I am so thankful for her.

Reality: when I said that earlier I realize it sounds pretty negative. And believe me there are times it is pretty dog gone negative. When coming back from KY I felt pretty strong. I had lots of down time without a ”to do” list to just reflect on things, reflect on the type of Mother and Wife I long to be, the type my kids and Chris deserve. How I want to be the person God wants me to be. When coming back I had in my mind, it’s a new day, a new chapter and I feel good and I am going to be different, I am not going to carry so much sadness with me, I choose to be better. Then I woke up in my bed Friday morning, not refreshed and ready to conquer the world, but defeated. The reality of being back in this house without my 3rd daughter hit hard. Where does it come from out of the blue? How can it happen so quickly and rob me of so much? How can life just go on with out her? Geez I thought I was past this! But after moping around for the past few days I realize I will never be past it. I will purposely and deliberately have to die daily, hourly, sometimes minute by minute to the desire of my flesh to give up, to let satan have his way with me, to let satan defeat me and steel the Joy I know that I have, the Joy that Mary Grace brought to me and our family. And besides, getting past “it” means getting past her. I never want to get past her and so with the grief and with the hurt comes the Joy and happiness in having one of the best things in the world, Mary Grace. So REALITY is also sweet and precious and good. With God, and only with Him, I can live this life with Mary in Heaven and still have all that God intended for me, I am His child and His plans are not to harm me but to prosper me.

Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you: Plans to give you a hope and a future.”

When I got to Kentucky Monday night the 14th, we went to Mom’s house and I went to Mary’s grave by myself. I was kind of anxious and didn’t know how I felt about the whole thing. The last 6 months I have longed to go to her grave and spend time with her and now I had the chance. I was a little nervous about the whole thing and on my drive to the cemetery I almost felt sick. I didn’t even stop to buy flowers like I originally thought I would because I just wanted to be there. When I got their I expected to still see fresh dirt, not sure why since it had been 6 months but that’s what I expected. But, there was grass like it had been there for 100 years, nothing was new and fresh but the hanging basket of flowers my dear Uncle Edgar had placed there. There was only a little grave marker with her name and date on it because her head stone was not ready in time to be placed yet (long stinky story). As I sat down in the grass beside her I just couldn’t believe that I was now one of “those” Moms who sit at their children’s grave. How could this be me? I sang to Mary Grace and then…. I started getting bit by what seemed like 1,0000 mosquitoes. I felt kind of aggravated because I just wanted to sit there and talk to her but couldn’t concentrate on what I was singing or saying because I was getting bit. I mean come on…this is what I have longed for since I was back on the plane to Texas in January. This is not what I pictured in my mind what sitting at her grave would be like. Then as the frustration seemed to build it’s like God was telling me, see Kim this is not where Mary Grace is. She is with Me and she is happy and healthy and perfect and having fun. She has been as much with you when you go to your closet and weep for her as she is with you here and now at her grave. I realized that it’s nice to be able to sit at her grave, make sure it looks nice since this is where we put her to rest, but it’s not where she is. I do not have to be here to sing to her, to talk to her, to cry or laugh with her. I have had to fight the thoughts that it is her sweet body that I held laying beneath the dirt, but I know that is from satan and that my daughter is simply not there. She is with her Creator, she is with our King and she is good. Who knew that God could use Mosquitoes?

I have never been that Christian who feels like I hear God audibly. I have desired it and wondered what He sounded like so I would know if I ever did, but I never have. I have always thought that maybe I wasn’t a good enough Christian and didn’t have the relationship with Him that I needed to in order to hear Him. But the few times lately that my mind has shut off, I have heard Him. He doesn’t really have a sound but He has spoken softly to me and it has been beautiful. I know it was Him at Mary’s grave, it has not only been His voice but His touch in my closet many times when I have been on my face with despair. It was even Mary that day in the kitchen when I was so upset and she spoke to me and told me that she was not given to me by our God to let Satan defeat me, she was not intended to bring me despair but to bring me pure Joy. And oh she has brought me such pure joy, the kind you can’t really explain when such grief comes with it, but it’s there.

Just as sure as Jesus was not there in that grave on the third day, my sweet daughter Mary Grace was not there in Stanford Kentucky underneath dirt in a tiny white casket. No… she is in Heaven with Jesus, the one who died for us and made it possible for us to be together in perfection forever. Praise Him for giving Mary Grace to me, Praise Him for giving us Jesus, Praise Him for perfecting her and holding and loving her until I get there………

Deeper Still a Divine Appointment

Emily (sweet Miller Grace's Mom) was asked to write an entry about our weekend in Atlanta at the Deeper Still conference. She writes beautifully. When you have a minute please read it, it's yet another blessing from that weekend, and another blessing from our sweet babies!

http://blogs.lifeway.com/blog/deeperstill/2008/07/deeper_still_a_divine_appointm.html

Happy 6 Months sweet Mary Grace!

Happy Birthday baby girl!! We miss you and love you and celebrate your life. What I wouldn't give to relive January 14, 2008 @ 7:15 a.m.! To be able to hold your sweet precious self and to feel your perfect nose against my cheek again. I know you will be having a sweet 6 month birthday party with Jacob Ryan and will be celebrating with all your new little friends and with your Grandma Hazlett, Grandma Allen, Grandpops Silsdorf and more.....
You are precious and I can't thank God enough for choosing me, choosing us to have you. You are perfect, you are everything.
Psalms 139........