Finding My Way

Well, this is my first posting. I have been pretty much addicted to reading about others who share in my experience, grief and battle with this thing called Trisomy 18. I am not much of a writer or communicater (if not talking) so please be patient and understanding. Also , this doesn't have spell check!! I am having a hard time knowing what to say or where to start. I guess I will start with my story.



I am 37 years old and have such wonderful blessings in my life. I am blessed with possibly the best husband God could have ever given me. I have two beautiful, precious daughters with one more on the way. I am blessed with a great family who are all believers in Christ and have the promise of eternity with Jesus Christ our savior - the best gift ever and the only thing that makes any trial in life liveable. My Mom and Dad live in Kentucky and are my best friends. I have the most perfect Sister and simply the most loving Brother in the world. My Brother has blessed me with a wonderful sister inlaw and 2 awesome nieces and a great nephew. My husband's family lives in Maryland and I couldn't ask for a better family there. His Mom and Dad are great and supportive and his brother is like my own. His "Memom" is the most precious lady ever. I could list all of our wonderful family but there are too many to mention. I have wonderful friends in KY, MD and TX! I know God brought us to TX so that I would have the friends I have in my life, right now in my life.



After our second daughter turned 3, we decided that we were not finished that we wanted another baby. We tried for a few months and got pregnant and were thrilled. This pregnancy ended at 8 weeks and I was very disappointed, however I had hope that it was just one of those things that God knew was not right. My very first pregnancy I miscarried so I felt equipped to handle this after being blessed with two precious girls. So.....we carried on, and on and on and on and after about 1 year of trying we went to the Doctors. After 2 months of fertility treatment, we were pregnant. The first 12 weeks I felt so scared but then after the first trimester - I was "safe!". Then at 14 weeks some blood work came back "extrememly low values" - I will never forget those words at the beginning of this journey. They repeated it and I just knew it was one of those dumb things that would turn out okay. Well - it was the same so my Ob sent me to a specialist who performed a level 2 ultrasound. They saw "markers" for a chromosome abnormalitiy (club feet, a hand malformation, a 2 vessel cord). I had no problems with such little things but.....they wanted to do an amnio and I told them I would not terminate for any reason so I do not think so. They informed me they thought it could be trisomy 18 - something not compatible with life and that I should be prepared, regardless of what I would or would not do. I came home and began a week long, non sleep, tormented time of research into what this t-18 is. I was horrified that the outcome is pretty much death. I knew I needed to be prepared if for nothing else, my other two girls who prayed for a baby brother or sister for so long. They did the test and 8 long days later, they verified the worst. I was and still am most of the time, in shock. I wasn't one of those stories of "oh, we had test come back crazy, we did an amnio and everything was fine" or "oh, they told us that our baby would not make it and she is perfect!". All the heart wrenching prayers from TX, to MD, to Kentucky didn't work!! How could this be???



I felt so alone, so confused and so lost. I started looking at support pages and found that people actually live through this, their faith actually is strengthened by these precious babies and that this may not be the end of my life!! I began to realize after about 3 weeks of being really depressed and non functional that I needed to be okay for my other girls and for my husband. So...I started to think differently. I started to see that this baby IS an answer to our prayers, that she had been given to us specifically for a reason and that I was her Mother and had a responsiblity to her to love and find joy in her existence - she deserves that!! I began to pray that God would help me enjoy every moment of my pregnancy, that I would feel her move lots and that I could rejoice while she is with me and mourn only when the time will be here to mourn. God has helped and sustained me, Chris and our girls. We are loving Mary Grace, enjoying her and would not ever choose to not have her in our lives. Because of Jesus she will always be with us and we will look forward to eternity with each other.



Our bible study group had just wrapped up doing "Having a Mary Heart in a Martha World". I started to imagine my little girl sitting at the feet of Jesus, worshiping and adoring him as Mary did - thus the name Mary and grace...... is our hope. Thank God that we do not have to be perfect, we do not have to earn our way to heaven, that by Jesus' blood and his GRACE we will be with him for eternity. Thank you Jesus for your promises, for your love and for your grace - they are the things that are helping me through the days and will take me to my Mary Grace some day.



I was going to journal my thoughts in a word document and keep them to myself. I was just going to find encouragement through other posts since I am not good at this. But on Sunday night one family I had been following lost their little boy to t-18 before they got to meet him. I was devestated for them and scared for me. I followed her post and saw that everything was going pretty good and they would probably get to have some time with him before he went to be with Jesus. I had been encouraged through other stories that Mary would probably make it to birth and that we may have some time with her. After he didn't make it - I will be honest - I was angry, angry because...come on....we are not asking for much.....one hour, one day, is that too much to ask for??!!! Then I read the Mom and Dad's post right after they lost Jonathon " God's presence and comfort was intimately present through the service and care of His people. His grace was immense through this time of grief. He is so good and has sustained us through this as He has promised. I know there is much more to come, but we praise Him and trust Him because He is faithful.". If they could actually write and feel that then I can too! This is why I am addicted to the blogs, this is why I read and this is why I must share. God WILL sustain me, he PROMISED that if I love him he will work this for my good and he does what he said he will do - I know I am not perfect and I have a lot of questions that I will probably never see answered but I do love him, he knows I do!!