A hard day, but I am on the winning side

It seems when I am around people I feel strong, almost normal and I feel like I can focus on something else other than Mary’s condition. Then, when I am by myself ALL I can think about is Mary Grace. How can you feel so strong and in an instant later feel like crawling in your bed and sobbing? I had a dear friend call tonight with an issue she was sad about. We talked and she said about 30 minutes into the conversation that her problem wasn’t anything like we were dealing with and that she was sorry to not have asked about me/us. I told her, no offense but it actually feels good to not be the focus of the conversation. Not that I want her to have the problem to discuss but that I feel tired of being the “needy” friend. Since my miscarriage two years ago, through our one year of trying to get pregnant and a few months of infertility treatment and through 28 weeks of pregnancy, I have been the “needy” friend and honestly I do not like the spotlight.

Today has been hard. The weekend I had to look forward to is over, Chris is traveling and I am on my own with the girls. They are such good girls that it’s not hard work wise with them, but my mind will not turn off. Every night our routine is to read, sing hymns then pray. Side note: Our church has mostly praise music which I love, but even more than verses from the bible, old hymns move and speak to me – when I am down I can start singing “Blessed Assurance” and it helps heal me. So….I want my girls to learn the hymns, to have them hidden in their hearts for good and bad moments in life– so I have a hymnal from the church I grew up in. When I sing at night I can’t help but get visuals of having my 3 girls in the same room while I sing. Kailey singing with me, Allison dancing like a ballerina and Mary Grace lying on the floor smiling at the two of them, kicking and wiggling her arms. Then of course I get sad. Then come the prayers. Kailey always says responsible more mature prayers from the heart. Allison says the same prayer every night that breaks my heart…she prays every night “God please help baby Mary to be healthy, we will play whatever she wants, we will sing whatever she wants, we will feed her whatever she wants, we love her and will even understand her”. And although I ultimately trust God, I can’t help but to wonder sometimes how he can seem to ignore such precious and pure prayers.
I asked Chris to take over some of the insurance issues because I don’t feel I can handle it. Well because of patient confidentiality he can’t talk to the case nurse assigned to us. So….I had to make the call today to register for the “special” program. They asked lots of questions and one was……are you depressed, feel down or feel anxiety? I said well I feel down and depressed which fueled a whole other list of questions regarding my mental stability. After all that…..they said they offer a program where a nurse will come meet with me one time to explain what preterm labor is, and will provide me with educational resources. Come on……can I get a break here?? What am I suppose to be asking for, what am I suppose to be doing, who am I suppose to be contacting? I am 28 weeks this week and I am suppose to be getting a nursery ready, I am suppose to be buying cute new clothes, I am suppose to be going through all the hand me down clothes and washing them and putting them in a new dresser for the baby!!!! I feel lost, I feel unmotivated to do anything, least of all call case nurses and funeral homes!!
We talked this weekend about funeral plans. How do you do that? How did we get here? It’s crazy we have to think of these things right now. We do not know if Texas is going to be our “forever” home so I do not want Mary Grace to be buried here. So…while in KY for Thanksgiving should we be talking to funeral homes? Looking at caskets?? How does Mary get there, how can I leave her there? I mean, it’s crazy to be in this position and I can’t help but to feel angry about it sometimes. I know that this is normal but I don’t like the feeling, I don’t want to feel it but I know God knows my heart and that’s just being honest.
Here are some specific prayer requests. I covet your prayers.

First that we will have time with Mary Grace, we can look in her eyes and hold her close and that the girls can meet their sister. Allison specifically is excited about changing Mary’s diaper, I pray she can change at least one.

It’s hard for me to pray this but if you could for me……that if it would be God’s will that there could still be a full-blown miracle, that we could beat the odds and that I can dig deep for that hope.

If a miracle isn’t God’s plan, that I would continue to have a wonderful pregnancy, feel Mary lots and that we would go full term for the birth. That my family can make it to Texas for the birth and have some time with Mary as well.

That we could gain the knowledge of taking care of what we should be or need to be taking care of with clarity and strength (the details).

Pray for our entire family, extended included to know how to handle all of this.

That our appointment with the Neonatal specialist on the 27th would go well and that we can be equipped with the information and knowledge we need while moving forward with our birth plan.

Continue to pray that through all the emotions that are felt during this, that God is glorified in all of them.

Please pray for Eva Janette and her family. She's a new precious baby added to my blog who has been diagnosed with T-18.

A hymn comes to mind that I want to close this crazy day and probably this disoriented blog with.

Along the way of life are many foes, that daily war against my soul;
But constant victory my Savior gives to me, as I press on to the goal

On the winning side, I’m on the winning side, I’m on the winning side with Jesus; Though hot may be the fray, my soul can boldly say, I’m on the winning side with Jesus

The battle may be long and hard to win, and Satan’s host may press me sore:
But though I may be tried, I’m on the winning side, I shall triumph ever more.

On the winning side, I’m on the winning side, I’m on the winning side with Jesus; Though hot may be the fray, my soul can boldly say, I’m on the winning side with Jesus

With courage in my soul I’ll do my part, for Jesus I will loyal stand;
So on the winning side triumphant I abide with the faithful holy band

On the winning side, I’m on the winning side, I’m on the winning side with Jesus; Though hot may be the fray, my soul can boldly say, I’m on the winning side with Jesus.