Another restless night……but it’s okay. I am reaching the uncomfortable time in a pregnancy when you have to roll over about every hour, or go potty, or blow your nose from congestion. But…let me make clear I am not wishing this one away – for obvious reasons. The last few nights I have been able to go back to sleep and get good rest, ,so that’s been good. But…not tonight. Tonight my mind is racing so I thought I would come check on my friends. The last few days with Christmas and company being here I haven’t had the time to get on line….but my new friends fill my thoughts throughout the day, and I wonder and pray for how they are doing.
I had my 34th week Dr. appointment on Thursday. Was a bit of surprise, why I don’t know…I mean I am 34 weeks and should expect to be making plans. But…it got here sooner that I am mentally ready for. Maybe preparing for Christmas threw me off (a welcome relief). My Dr. said to pencil in the 17th of January, 3 weeks!! He said my fluid level is increasing and Mary’s weight is lagging more, so he is concerned to wait much longer than that in fear that we will not have time with her. So…I go weekly and we will make decisions as we go. Wow, have my thoughts been racing. I woke up yesterday morning and called Mom in tears. She asked what are you thinking…and I couldn’t come up with what I was thinking. Just needed a good cry I guess, which feels good for some odd reason. It’s hard to cry because the numbness is always there, so when I can get it out, it feels good. Honestly, I am scared. I am scared for this to be over, I am scared of Mary Grace not being with me any more. I am scared of not knowing how things are going to play out. I am scared for my little girl’s hearts to be broken when they lose their baby Sister. I am scared of the moment so many describe as somehow being beautiful (by God’s grace) being a nightmare for me, the kicking and screaming kind. I know that my God will take care of me, but I am scared non-the less.
My little baby Allison turned 5 on Thursday and we have her birthday party today (Saturday). Of course on our children’s birthday we replay every moment of that day in our thoughts….I remember being so excited for our family. When they said “it’s a girl” I remember the feeling of overwhelming joy that I had a 2nd daughter, that Kailey was a big SISTER, that Allison was so perfect and precious. I remember feeling so excited to bring her home and having everything ready for her. While replaying this in my mind on Thursday, I couldn’t help but be overwhelmed by sadness. When the reality of 3 weeks hit……I felt sad because in my mind I know that God could work a miracle, but honestly I don’t feel this is his plan. I hope the lack of faith doesn’t hurt my outcome, and I know that God doesn’t work that way, but I have to be honest in my thoughts. I feel sad because I feel like I am preparing to give Mary Grace up…not bring her home. I am preparing for a funeral not a home coming with excitement and joy. And although I should be rejoicing in the fact that she will be free of this world, this t-18 junk and she will be in Jesus’ arms….I want to keep her. I want her to be with us not in Heaven.
I know God is in control, I know he loves me, I know he loves my family and he will take care of us…I know that none of us know the outcome and I shouldn’t play thoughts of the unknown in my mind. But…I can’t help it sometimes….so I will go take a nice relaxing 6 a.m. bath, read some scripture and prepare for a nice day with my girls. And this reminds me how quickly our thoughts can change, how quickly God can real me back in. Praise him! Praise him! Praise him! He said to me….Do not be afraid…so I will work on that.
Please pray for these specifics:
Mary’s growth to increase
That she will turn from the breach position so things are not complicated
That my Dr. and nurses will be just the right ones to be with us during this time and that God will give them and us the wisdom we need for the decisions ahead of us.
That we will have time with Mary Grace…..just the right amount of time for us
That our families can make it to Texas at the right time
That I can control my thoughts and fears
That God will blanket my Kailey and Allison with his protective love
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16 comments:
Oh, Kim...
Hugs to you...
I'll mark January 17 on my mental calendar as Mary Grace's birthday, unless given further instructions.
And I'm praying.
Rebecca
God bless you and give you comfort.
"You will keep in perfect peace
him whose mind is steadfast,
because he trusts in You." Isaiah 26:3
When you feel anxious, fix your eyes on Him...He will fill you with the peace that only He can give. He cares about your every concern...He knows the longings of your heart...and His Holy Spirit intercedes on your behalf. You are being lifted in prayer in these last few days awaiting the birth of your baby girl.
Kim,
I will be praying for every request that you have here and for more. The Lord did not promise that this road would be easy, but He did promise to walk it with you, carry you when necessary and keep His promise to never leave you. Tears are healing, let them flow whenever they can escape from behind the numb. I especially pray for all fear of the unknown to leave all of you. The Lords hand is on Mary Grace and His grace is sufficient for you each day. You can trust Him Kim to be gentle with you.
Love, Laurie in Ca.
Sweet Kim.
You've been anointed for this. Your family has been anointed for this. Mary Grace was created for such a time as this. You have nothing to fear. Keep reminding yourself of this truth and rest in the arms of the Almighty. You can. It's okay. You can rest.
Psalm 139... read it over and over and over. God's big enough. I'm not. I so wish I had words to make it all better, but you know I don't. You can call me night or day (502)515-3360 or (270)392-1547. I'm here and honored to be. But your God's got this. ;)
I hope today was the best birthday celebration with three sisters EVER.
Kim,
Wow.. 3 weeks. I relate with every one of the thoughts you described. I guess you would be abnormal if your head wasn't full with a mix of emotions as you look forward to the 17th. I just want to assure you once again that no matter what happens, meeting Mary Grace is something you can look forward to with all your heart!!
I will be praying for each of the things listed, and most especially for you, that your heart would be made ready for the miracle that is about to be experienced.
God Bless you as your are in these final days. I remember how hard it was to think to the future when it looks so uncertain, so bleak. But God's grace is sufficient. I remember too talking to other mothers who had gone before me and trying to put myself in their place and not being able to do it because of fear. I will tell you that when Madeline was born it was the scariest time in my life but God gave me a peace about it all. She only lived 12 hours and I would have chosen more time, but that was not His plan. We have the sweetest memories of our time with her and that brings us a lot of comfort. Nothing will make this journey easy but God will provide and be there in your time of need. I will say a prayer for you asking for those things you mentioned specifically.
God Bless!
Mandy
GA
www.madelinegracehopkins.blogspot.com
Kim-
Oaky girl, so I didn't read your blog yet today before I emailed you back... Needless to say you answered several of my questions.
Know that I too am feeling what you are, and although it doesn't make it go away, somehow it does make it a little better to know that we're not alone.
We continue to pray for peace and I will pray for the specifics that you mentioned, especially for your heart and your little girls~ for some reason, the other little ones of the family seem to really touch me.
Love and talk to you soon,
Kenzie
dad said let heaven & earth proclaim that JESUS IS KING !!!!! everyone thank you for praying for my precious daughter kim i don|t email but I do know knee mail and with JESUS we can!!!!! always get thru I LOVE YOU BONS JESUS has the final answer
Kim, precious Kim. I have been following your blogs since tracy shared the first one with me. You are an inspiration to me. I loved you the very first time I met you...remember the nights in D.C.?...you were and are so special. I will continue to pray that all your prayers are answered. My heart is heavy with grief for you and your sweet, sweet family. My love is there with you. Shirley Woods
Praying for you all! thank you for sharing your journey! on my knees, jen in al
Hi Kim,
I begin this new year with more specific prayers for you as you are preparing to meet Mary Grace. She is a miracle and God has all the strength and peace for you that you will need. You can trust Him with all that is ahead and meeting your little girl will be so sweet. Praying for her as she gets ready to meet you. His plan for you is perfected in His heart.
Love, Laurie in Ca.
Kim,
We'll continue to pray for you and Mary Grace. You are the best!!! God has his hand on you. Love,
Garry, Beth, Garry III, Tara, and Alyssa.
Kim, Chris, Kailey and Alli...
We will continue to pray for all of you...we have been blessed by your openness and faith... you are an example that so many have learned from. May God bless and protect you all.
Sharon, Greg, Aaron and Abigail Hernandez
I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers, Kim. I think that you may realize one day that God has, in fact, blessed you with a miracle. My hopes and prayers were that my girls were going to be born healthy, safe, and without pain or suffering. God answered my prayers, even though they were not answered as I intended. They are safe, happy, and healthy in heaven. It doesn't make me miss them any less, and my pain is still incredibly hard. But I believe our sweet babies are miracles from God. And whether your sweet Mary lives a long life here on earth or goes to heaven early, you have been blessed with a miracel that has, I'm sure, taught you so much- even now, before she has been born.
Continue to embrace any emotion may you feeling. It will help you in the long run. Cry if you feel like crying. Laugh if you feel like laughing. The numbness is a freakishly weird feeling, but I think it's "normal". I don't claim to know exactly what you are feeling but I have been in your similar situation and I have experienced the feelings you describe, even now.
Remember: you aren't alone and you have a friend in me if you need me anytime.
Love and Prayers,
Stephanie- mommy to twin angels
sbgtall@yahoo.com
Hello Precious...Praying for you from Florida by way of Emily. May His face shine upon you and be gracious to you and yours...
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