I sit here at the computer not really knowing what to write but wanting to give you something. I know sometimes when "checking" on someone I feel desperate to know how they are doing or what they are feeling and I know my friends out there feel the same about me. It's not that I do not want to write - it's just that I have nothing to give you, nothing new.
Chris took Allison to a birthday party because I am still avoiding people (no offense), I am giving Kailey math problems and I am searching the blogs for something.
The last few days I have desperately been reading / searching past blog posts (of the ones that have lost their babies before me). I am trying to go back to where they were in their journey that corresponds to where I am now. To see if how I am feeling is normal and/or okay. Do not get me wrong - I know we are all entitled to how we feel, we all feel different and all feel grief and loss in a different way or at different times. But right now, I do not feel strong, I do not feel encouraged, I do not feel "held", I do not feel okay that Mary Grace is in Heaven in stead of with me, I do not feel like praying (except for others - nothing that makes it personal between me and God), I do not feel like reading God's word. So what do I feel? I feel mostly numb. I am going through the motions, trying to be "normal" on the outside so my girls are okay. And after faking it so to speak, I feel exausted. I went out for a drive last night so I could listen to my music which is therapy to me. It felt good to blast the music, cry out loud. The songs spoke truth to me, I cried to God to tell him that I know he's there, I do believe, I do praise him for my girls, my husband my family but I am mad. I feel let down and even though I am so thankful for everything in my life, it doesn't take away the fact that I gave up one of my children!! I was listening to the song - I will praise you in the storm. The verses spoke truth and I was singing the words and thinking...yes this is how I feel, then comes the chorus and I said to God - "sorry - can't praise you right now".
I was speaking to one of my best friends this week and I was telling her how I felt, how I couldn't get on the computer and say all these great things about God yet. That's just the truth - and yes I do feel guilty feeling this way. She understood then she told me about her and a group of friends in Texas who got together to pray for me while I was in Kentucky burying Mary Grace's body. She told me that in her prayer she told God she couldn't wait to see my rewards. Then God poured something over me, a truth / a reminder that even though I may feel defeated, angry, disappointed, confused that my Heavenly Father does love me. He loved me so very much that he chose ME, ME to be Mary Grace's Mommy. And that I would go through all of this a billion times to be Mary Grace's Mommy - to have held her in my belly for 37 weeks and in my arms for 7 hours alive and 24 hours after going to Heaven. So my friends...I have this......this will sustain me, this reminder will get me through this. I can praise God for this - I will praise him forever for Mary Grace. I will hang on for dear life and he will give me what I need, when I need it. If God be for me then who can be against me?
I want to say thank you for all your prayers for me. As I mentioned I can pray for others, thank him for others, pray for my girls, my family etc. but I have not been able to get personal with God - kind of like with our own earthly parents. We can remember loving them, knowing they loved us but being so mad at their decisions that we could not speak to them, we just wanted to stay in our rooms and sulk - well that' me right now with God when it comes to me. So I will rely on your prayers for me if that's okay.
I do feel bad that I can't be more positive about all of this....but I am struggling. I want to encourage others, I want to life you all up so that you walk away from the computer feeling uplifted and encouraged, but I also need to be real and honest. I love God, he loves me - he knows me and he knows I am struggling. That's just the truth. This week has been a week of many "firsts". I went to Allison's gymnastics with Mom and Chris (felt safe with them) and I was faced with loving to watch Allison but the reality that I will never get to see Mary Grace do dance or gymnastics hurts. It hurt that I didn't have her in a carrier beside me while we watched Allison - three weeks ago she was with us and now I feel so empty handed. We go from there to Chic-fil-a for lunch - while ordering a kids meal for Allison it hit me that I will never get to order a kids meal for Mary Grace. When taking Kailey her lunch for the first time again on Thursday (I do this every thursday) I was faced with the truth that Mary Grace will never be in first grade and be excited about Mommy bringing lunch to her. A thousand more firsts that I could tell you about, but I am sure you get the picture - everything, every thought, every movement there is a constant reminder that I do not have my 3rd daughter with me. I love thinking about Mary Grace constantly but the truth and the reminder of her absense hurts so bad. When I was pregnant with her - I knew the reality of what was going to happen but while she was with me there was always HOPE. Now there is just absense - that's the truth.
But......truth also is that we can struggle, we can question, we can be mad, we can yell, scream and kick, we can ask why and we can pray for everyone else but then tell God I do not want to talk about me cause you have hurt me....... and we still have the truth, the promise of Heaven because of what Jesus Christ did - not because anything we have done or will do (thank God). I will hold on to this and no matter what.........I will be there with my girl one day. This is truth - I guess all the truth we need. I wish Satan would face this truth and get off our backs!! Thanks for being there - thanks for listening.
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48 comments:
Sweet Kim, please don't feel badly about where you are...God certainly understands us better than we understand ourselves...and He meets you wherever you are and loves you no matter what. He alone knows your heart...and it is a precious heart of His beloved child who is mourning the loss of her baby. He weeps with you in your pain. Please know that I am praying for you today and every day.
I have been where you are, and still struggle with it daily even now, 8 months later. I did not want to see people for a long time, did not want to pray...didn't know what to pray for really. What you are feeling is normal. It is so hard to understand how we can endure the pain of losing our child, our baby. How God, who hears all of our prayers, can still allow life to go on as if nothing happened. I remember being really angry that others got to keep doing all the "normal" things each day while I felt like I would never be "normal" again. I think one thing is for sure, this will forever change you and you will never be the old "you" again. You will be better for having been Mary Grace's mother and for knowing her while you carried her and those precious 7 hours that she lived. I know I feel that way about Madeline and I would gladly relive it if I could, even knowing all the hurt and sadness that I know now. She was worth it and so much more. You are right...we will see our children again in heaven and until then we have to do our jobs here on Earth, even when we don't want to.
I am praying for you. I know how hard this is.
Love,
Mandy
I am not sure if this will help, but a couple days ago, I posted the words of a mother 16 months into her grief journey here: http://hornedfrog02.blogspot.com/2008/01/grief-journey.html While the details of her "story" is different, the truth remains that the loss of a child is painful, no matter what the circumstances are. Everyone deals with that pain in their own way, in their own time.
So, I send prayers to your friends and family that they support you in your needs during this time, and prayers to you during this time of struggles.
You know, sometimes all we can do is just "grab hold and hang on". I have followed your and Mary Grace's story and have grieved so deeply for you. I am not going through what you are going through, but I have been going through something else recently, and feel the same way you are describing. I still have my daily prayer and Bible reading times, I have a deep faith in God, but I don't feel that deep desire and longing for Him, right now. I hope that will change. My husband says it will get better, but it's so hard to believe it will.
Just hang on to Him any way you can, He loves you, and there are so many people praying for you. He understands better than we know.
mama, i do know just how you feel. i am a christian mama and my second daughter was stillborn at 41w almost exactly a year ago, jan 30th 2007.
so i know. i know. i so deeply know. sometimes still all i want to do is look for and connect with other loss mamas, to hear their words, be in the moment with them, b/c they get it, no matter where they are with their grief, there is so much common ground there.
a friend linked me to your blog, hoping that i can provide you with some love and encouragement, much like those that walked this path with me 367 days ago.
my blog is mandella0021.livejournal.com. Please feel free to email me, or anything, this connection and community of other mamas was so intrinsic to my healing, so anything at all I can do.
my thoughts and prayers have been with you, and will continue to be.
Love your sister in Christ,
JEN
You're doing it, sweet girl. You're going through the motions. You're breathing and sitting upright and able to think clearly enough to find words to type. Heck, isn't that an accomplishment!! I remember being where you are and I feel like one foot is still there, honestly. I love you. Drive until your heart's content. The Lord will protect you and you'll find healing in that loud music when you can't stand the silence with God. I know this. I'm here. You vent to me any time. There's a LOT to vent about. It is my prayer for you that one morning you will wake up excited instead of devastated. One morning, you'll wake and think, "Wow! I was chosen by God to be Mary Grace's mother. I'm the only one! Only me. Thank you God!" :) It might not come tomorrow, it might not come next year, and I doubt it will ever come unattached from a bittersweet ache in your heart, but it will come.
A friend gave this to me in the early days of my grief and I think you might appreciate it, too. LOVE YOU!
The Gap
The gap between those who have lost children and those who have not is profoundly difficult to bridge. No one, whose children are well and intact can be expected to understand what parents who have lost children have absorbed and what they bear. Our children come to us through every blade of grass, every crack in the sidewalk, every bowl of breakfast cereal. We seek contact with their atoms, their hairbrush, their toothbrush, their clothing. We reach for what was integrally woven into the fabric of our lives, now torn and shredded.
A black hole has been blown through our souls and, indeed, it often does not allow the light to escape. It is a difficult place. For us to enter there is to be cut deeply, and torn anew, each time we go there, by the jagged edges of our loss. Yet we return, again and again, for that is where our children now reside. This will be so for years to come and it will change us profoundly. At some point in the distant future, the edges of that hole will have tempered and softened but the empty space will remain - a life sentence.
Our friends will change through this. There is no avoiding it. We grieve for our children, in part, through talking about them and our feelings for having lost them. Some go there with us, others cannot and through their denial add a further measure, however unwittingly, to an already heavy burden. Assuming that we may be feeling "better" six months later is simply "to not get it." The excruciating and isolating reality that bereaved parents feel is hermetically sealed from the nature of any other human experience. Thus it is a trap - those whose compassion and insight we most need are those for whom we abhor the experience that would allow them that sensitivity and capacity. And yet, somehow there are those, each in their own fashion, who have found a way to reach us and stay, to our comfort. They have understood, again each in their own way, that our children remain our children through our memory of them. Their memory is sustained through speaking about them and our feelings about their death. Deny this and you deny their life. Deny their life and you no longer have a place in ours.
We recognize that we have moved to an emotional place where it is often very difficult to reach us. Our attempts to be normal are painful and the day to day carries a silent, screaming anguish that accompanies us, sometimes from moment to moment. Were we to give it its own voice we fear we would become truly unreachable, and so we remain "strong" for a host of reasons even as the strength saps our energy and drains our will. Were we to act out our true feelings we would be impossible to be with. We resent having to act normal, yet we dare not do otherwise. People who understand this dynamic are our gold standard. Working our way through this over the years will change us as does every experience - and extreme experience changes one extremely. We know we will have recovered when, as we have read, it is no longer so painful to be normal. We do not know who we will be at that point or who will still be with us.
We have read that the gap is so difficult that, often, bereaved parents must attempt to reach out to friends and relatives or risk losing them. This is our attempt. For those untarnished by such events, who wish to know in some way what they, thankfully, do not know, read this. It may provide a window that is helpful for both sides of the gap.
It was written by Michael Crelinsten, Father of Alexis, who left for Heaven at the tender age of nine. It seems that these words only make more sense to me with each day that passes.
Oh wait. I should have just said "Amen to Mandy!" instead....
Dear Sweet Kim,
My heart hurts so bad for you as I read your post this morning. I, for one, would never expect to come here after 3 weeks and expect to see profound words of praise. Not at all.
I know that you can only be where you are right now, at this moment as your heart is broken and shattered. And I know that God does not expect you to even think about Him right now, and it is okay with Him, it really is. He holds Mary Grace and knows how impossible it is for you to be thankful. He is okay with this. He understands you more than anyone ever could and He loves you so dearly. Let us pray for you, lift you up, carry your burden to Him in your silence. It must feel raw to be chosen to be her mommy and have to give her up, only He could understand this, and the other precious moms like yourself, who have crumbled right where you are now. Just the Truth, and you are so truthful Kim, your pain is alive in your words, and I ask Him to give you rest and peace as you live forward with your family while being held back by your broken heart. Thank you for letting us know how to pray for you. We are. You are loved Kim, so loved.
Laurie in Ca.
I have never walked through this storm, but I've walked through others. And I am so thankful to you for being REAL - I think we as Christians are SO well trained to hide what we feel and hide when we're angry or sad or just whatever that we forget that it helps other people get through the crappy times too.
Love and prayers for you and to you...Kim
Kim,
I just want to say that you are just where you need to be. God knows your heart and he knows that you are hurt.
I had such a hard time after JT died. Just the thought of talking to God and even giving him the satisfaction (I thought) of asking why? I wasn't going to give it to him. I gave him my son. I truely with all my heart, just gave my son over to him. I thought I wouldn't grieve because I know he is in a better place, he doesn't have to deal with nurses and tubes and 4 o'clock labs.
But, nothing anyone told me prepared me for the emptiness that I felt in my heart and in my arms. My arms physically hurt. I just wanted to hold him one more time smell his head one more time. And even just empty his ostomy bag. Just one more thing.
It has taken me a while to even just being to experience God again. To open up my heart enough to let him back in.
You will do it in your time. And if you can't pray about it. Ask someone else to do it for you.
There is a verse that talks about what we can't pray the Holy Spirit takes over for us. Let the Holy Spirit take over for you and say what at this time you just can't do.
I went to JT's grave one day at the request of my counselor. She told me to leave the kids with someone, tell my husband not to expect me for a few hours and just go visit JT, Just let it all out. The anger, the joy, the happiness, the frustration. Just let it go.
I did. It took me a while before I was able to do it but, I did. And you know what it felt good to release those things. They are not all gone but, a load of it is.
It was like everything that I had been holding back so that I could function as a mother I laid at Jesus' feet and just asked him to heal me. This may sound not right for you. But, I just want you to know there is hope. I was standing right where you are. The road does get easier. I didn't want to believe that in the beginning. I really didn't but, it does. And you are right God loves you. He created you. He created your child especially for you. He knew you would love her. He knew you would give her all the love she needed if only for a short time and he knew you would turn her back over to her Father.
Please don't wish me too forward in saying all of this. I see the hurt in your post. My heart hurts with you. It brings back so much of where I have been and I am truely thankful and honored that HE chose me to be JT's mom. Just as I know it was an honor for you to be the mother to Mary Grace.
Keep on believing, don't close your heart. Do it when it feels right to to you. He is not going to love you any less and neither is anyone else.
With Prayers,
Bobbie Poling
Kim, thank you for your honesty and I know God is listening to your heart. I hope he gives you peace soon, but I can even begin to imagine how you must feel. Thank you for pouring your heart and feeling out to us.
In prayer,
Cathy & Annabel
while i hate that the pain you feel is so sharp, and the relief has yet to come- i believe that God would rather you admit your anger than pretend. he knows your every thought, every emotion.... and your willingness to admit it to us IS a blessing.... it IS encouragement. it IS powerful- because it's real. your bravery in sharing how you're feeling is uplifting- and gives all of us the privelege of holding your arms up in prayer.
thank you so much for sharing who you are- i will be praying....
Dear Kim: Your heart is broken. It will never be the same again. In time, you will tape and glue the pices together, but the cracks will always be there. However, when that time comes, remember that God's light will shine through those cracks more strongly than He could have ever shined without the brokenness.
In the mean time, we are standing in the gap for you, praying for you, and giving your heart some time.
I have been broken and I know you will never be the same. But what I have learned is that God is faithful. Always. Even when it doesn't seem like it.
Praying for you.
Karen in TN
My heart aches for you and all that you are going through! Remember that you are human! You are not perfect as He is. God understands and when you are unable to pray, He knows your heart and what you stand in need of! Keep your trust in Him and know that when you are unable to pray for yourself, many are praying for you! He WILL give you the strength, just hold on and know that "This too shall pass." I will continue to pray for your family!
you are so incredible! your honesty is a blessing to everyone. thank you. your heart is so precious. You are an wonderful Mommy to all three of your girls! loving and praying for you daily, jen in al
You don't know me - I am a mother carrying a child with a fatal disorder. I am not where you are yet and can't even pretend to know how you feel or how I will feel but I just felt compelled to write to say I imagine what you have written about in this blog is all a part of it - the living it out - how wonderful that we have a God of patience. He waits for you. He knows you heartache - do not be ashamed. I am praying for you and your family. I am deeply sorry for the loss of your daughter. Thank you for you honesty.
Kim, I have never lost a child and cannot begin to know the depth of your pain. But you have every right to feel sad, mad, and whatever else for however long. God does understand because HE made us and loves us more than anyone. Hang on to that joy of knowing HE chose YOU and no one else to be the mother of Mary Grace. When you are ready to praise Him, He will be there.
You are a blessing to so many people just by your honesty. Mary might not have lived long on this earth but just think of how many lives she has touched! Don't we all wish we lived that kind of life.
Praying for you in Florida.
I am so sorry that you are having such a difficult time right now - and I think everything you are thinking and feeling is completely normal. You have been through you're darkest days, but you are correct that God understands your pain and he loves you no matter what. I will be praying for you!
you dont know me but i have been following your story along with the many other trisomy 18 babies that have joined marygrace on this journey. i found you through boothe. you dont have to apologize for where you are right now. i cant imagine the pain you feel. you have every right to feel like you do. i am sure there are many different emotions you will experience and this is just where thinking and praying for you and your family
Kim, I've been a 'lurker' (I hate that word!) until now, but I wanted to comment on your last post. I am so sorry that your sweet Mary Grace is not with you. But, yes, what a gift that YOU were her mommy...nobody can take that from you.
You mentioned that you wish people could go away from your posts feeling uplifted and encouraged...I find it extremely uplifting and encouraging to read your heart expressed in your posts...your transparency and honesty ARE those things to us. It's okay to not be able to be positive and upbeat right now...you're experiencing one of the greatest heartaches a mommy can know. But you are doing it with honesty and 'real-ness'. God knows your pain and I believe He understands your need for some space. He's still there, and He still loves you. Thank you for sharing your heart...
Amanda in Michigan
I've been checking your blog to "see" how you were. When I hadn't seen an update-my heart would break for you. I imagined you weren't capable. Thank you for giving everyone an update.
There is no right way to do this, I'm sure. You are going through and it is what it is. You're being raw and honest will ultimately get you where you will truly be where you hope to be. You are an inspiration to me and thank you for sharing your struggle. Me and so many others know you as "Mary Grace's mother"-and that you'll always be!
You and your family are in my prayers.
Kim
Kim,
I'm so glad you shared this. Jesus' love for us is never going to change, and I think He's a whole lot happier with honesty than impressive (or not so impressive) pretending. I love you, and I am praying.
Angie
Sweet Kim,
Thinking about you this Sunday morning and thanking the Lord for your honesty, and asking Him to hold you close to His heart, close enough to feel His heartbeat. Your struggle is real, and far from over, but He understands and loves you so much. Be yourself Kim, no apologies, you are beautiful where you are right now.
Praying for you always,
Laurie in Ca.
Praying for you.
A message to Mary Grace Summons,
Thank you for coming into the Summons family. Your Mommy Kim, Daddy Chris, and Sisters Allison and Kailey all love you and miss you. The tears they cry are because they want you with them now.
Waiting for you and then having you with them for such a short time was wonderful and heart breaking.
You know, because you are with Jesus right now, that you will be with them again in heaven.
Until then, sweet, precious Mary Grace Summons, you are and will always be a part of the Summons family.
You have people from all over the country who have prayed for you and continue to pray for your family.
Because of you, God has touched many hearts.
God has blessed the Summons family because of you.
Mary Grace, a beautiful name for a beautiful baby. In heaven, made perfect by God, you wait to be reunited with your family and those who have prayed because of you.
Love,
Deborah S.
I found your blog through Tristan's. I read your post today and can identify with where you are at. In September 2005 I lost my mom to cancer and 2 weeks later lost the twin babies I was carrying. I felt like I should be able to draw strength from God. That I would read the Bible and pray for hours a day to seek comfort. I couldn't do any of that. I felt numb. I didn't feel "held" or "comforted". I felt like God was far away and I was in this numbing pain. I would listen to the song "Held" by Natalie Grant and just cry. Looking back I guess I see that the only reason I did make it through each day was the Lord. Even though He didn't feel close He was there. Somehow I got through it. I was laying in bed just the other night sobbing just thinking about that terrible month and the "why me?" that I still ask sometimes.
You are normal for feeling the way you are. Wanting to read the Bible and pray will come back at some time. (I remember never thinking it would.) Be encouraged.
Kim,
A friend sent me your post for today because she recognized that I was exactly where you are two months ago when my mom mother died unexpectedly. I know that losing a mother and losing a child are not the same but I think grief is very similar. If I learned anything in those early days, it was that God was there in the many acts of kindness of friends and even strangers. I think that is how God loves on us during this time...through willing human hands. May you have many human hands holding you, listening to you process, and assuring you that He is there. I am so sorry for your terrible loss.
God bless,
Pam
Memphis, TN
Kim-
I love you... I grieve for you as I know you also do for all of us around you. There are so many HUNDREDS of people standing in the gap for you when you can't pray for yourself, when the words don't come. Please remember that each of us grieve differently, but all are right if we know somewhere in the back of our minds that God is still there, waiting and watching and loving us.
Please remember how very loved you are!
Praying,
Kenzie
I know that you don't know me but I feel a kinship with this post. I lost my son, Moses, when he was 1 month old due to a heart condition. I played along the good "christian" part, saying it was ok, and that I wasn't mad at God and that everything was ok. Playing that part for almost a year nearly killed me. I wish that I had been more honest with my feelings, like you have been, earlier on in my grief. I am now 2 years out and I think about him constantly - not with the deep sorrow that I once felt but still with the longing for him to be with us.
The worst thing for me was to have people say it was going to be Okay, or that they knew what I felt, or that they were praying for me. To be honest, I hated that people told me they were praying for me. I simply wanted to be told people loved me and that they were there for me. Not everyone grieves in the same way - this just happens to be how I coped.
I truly agree with many of the dear women who have posted here. God knows your heart and your emotions even if you don't say things out loud. He knows us better than we know our selves. The Father loves you no matter what - no matter if you scream at him (which I have done!) cry every day or simply go numb.
So although we don't know each other - but are tied thru mom hearts - I tell you, my sister in Christ, I love you and so does the Father.
Erinn
Maryland
www.moses-mackay-ragan.memory-of.com
Found your blog through Happy's. Your sorrow is an encouragement, more than if you were talking of how supported and "held" you felt. The knowledge that others have hurt for the same things comforts me. So thank you for sharing and being so honest. It helps not to feel so alone.
I am so sorry you are hurting so much right now - and I suspect that it may be this way for some time. But if you are looking for others at the same place, Jonathon Edwards' mommy just posted an entry almost exactly like yours. I check all of your group of Trisomy 18 mothers' blogs regularly. I delivered a stillborn daughter with Trisomy 18 4 years ago (at 26 weeks), and I never found websites or blogs like yours. I feel like I have gotten this incredible taste of what my baby girl would have been like through yours and the others' experiences. I am very grateful for this.
I also would encourage you to feel as you are feeling, for as long as you need to. Because I had another child with health issues for a very long time after my daughter was born, I was never able to fully grieve my baby, Rebecca. And so, here I am four years later, searching and searching, and trying to move forward past this loss. So I am encouraged for you by your ability to feel and be honest with yourself right now.
You remain in my prayers,
Rebecca and Sarah's mommy
I do not know the ache of losing a child born to you but I do know the ache of a child lost before it was born. I remember feeling "Wow, that was hard...I've learned a lot Lord....but I'm ready for this to be back to what it used to be....my child back". I do believe the Lord wants us to be "real" with Him and let Him know we can't be thankful right now. You are being loving to the Lord by sharing you rtrue feelings at this moment. I'm praying.
Lissalulu
Dearest Kim,
Grief is such a human and healthy experience, and there isn't any getting around it. Unfortunately, you have to walk through it and sometime you will collapse under it's weight - but you will get up again. How could you not hurt to your very core when your sweet Mary Grace flew from your arms so quickly? Be sure to take care of your human heart as you are doing - sharing your hurt, your doubts, your confusions. Go to the Trisomy 18 Foundation support site if you haven't lately, where there is a whole community of shared loss that will reach out to you and cry with you and prop you up on those days that are particularly difficult. Seek a local grief counselor if you haven't - someone who can show you some ways that other grieving mothers have walked through their pain. God isn't going anywhere and the many prayers from all of us who have followed your story will continue. So take care of your heart now in whatever way you can and be easy on yourself.
Hugs,
Christena
Dear sweet Mama,
I do not know you, but I am touched by your grief. I have wept with you, cried the tears of sorrow. I have never lost a child, but will never get to experiance trying for another. I have two beautiful girls, but there can be no more. I have not had to hand a child back to the Lord, but I have wept for the children I cannot have. Thank you for sharing your story. Thank you for showing your grief, your pain, so that others can know that this is okay. May the Lord heal you, give you a little peace, but may He also give you healing tears, healing words from those around you. Know that I sorrow with you, and I am keeping you and your family in my prayers.
~Christine
just want you to know that you are on my heart....
First I want to thank you for your honesty. I lost a son in 2005 and am facing that reality once again next month and each day is a struggle for me. I found comfort in reading the book of Habakkuk. He is a little known prophet who also got ticked at god and let him know about it. It is okay to do that. Also remember that when you are weary and you are entitled to that right now, the Holy Spirit will pray for you. God knows your heart. Also know that you have many people willing to step in and help you get there when you need help. Just like the friends of the paralyzed man who carried him to the top of the roof and lowered him to Jesus, you have an army of people willing to lift you up as well! Be gentle with yourself and allow yourself the time to grieve. You are a mom and you ache for your baby. Please know I am praying for you and that peace will come with time. Allow yourself to be angry and broken...God will draw near whether you ask Him or not!
Love,
Kristy Bolte
Well, as I have read on another grieving moms blog- "Her absense is like the sky,- spread over everything".I'm sure that is exactly how you feel. I know it's how I feel about my girls. And, believe me, you sound just about how I was a few months ago at about the same time you are grieveing now- so I guess you are "normal", whatever that means. I too avoided being around people, especially if I didn't have someone "safe" with me like their daddy or my mom or his mom. When I was out in public, I would look at someone (usually someone being obnoxious or something) and think "You have no idea what I have just endured. You don't know that just a few weeks ago I was huge with twins and eagerly awaiting their arrival and now I have absolutely nothing". Its so weird, isn't it? But its just something I did and felt. And I just learned that I have to embrace these wacky feelings and try not to avoid them, because in the end it just seems to make it all worse. I was, and still am at times, mad at God. But the awesome thing is- it's okay and He still loves me, just like He still loves you. I would find it hard to read others blogs and read about how God is just carrying them (moms)through all of this and they, at least they seemed, were just happy-happy because God was in their lives and taking care of this all for them. But I felt like I was being blind if I just gave it all to Him and assumed my life would returned to "normal". And I know now that it never will be. And aboout feeling "strong" back then, and even now- I was so sick of people telling me I was so strong or to just be strong. I would often think "You try losing your child, let alone 2 children, and then tell me what you think strong is!" The anger and the bitterness hung over me for quite a while those first few months, and now, 5+ months later, I still have days when it consumes my thoughts. But like you, I return to knowing the one truth of it all- God chose ME to be Abigail and Emily's mommy and I WILL see them again in Heaven when my time comes. Sorry to go on and on about me in this comment, but I haven't commented since back when you were pregnant, and I just want you to know that I felt, and sometimes continue to feel, exactly what you described in your blog. And I know that when I was going through this right after my girls passed, I clung to the internet to try and find out if I was the only one in the world with the same thoughts I had- turns out I wasn't and neither are you. And finding that out helped alot. I'm continuing to pray for you in CA.
~Stephanie, mommy of twin angels Abigail Marie and Emily Elizabeth
www.trisomy18.org/goto/abigailandemily
sbgtall@yahoo.com if you need a friend
I rarely post comments on blogs for the mere fact that I feel completely inept at encouraging others when some days I can barely see through my own tears.
I lost my precious little girl a year ago this summer. She too had T18. Grief and mourning will appear each and every day for the rest of my life, but I hold to the truth that Joy comes in the morning!
And it does Sweet Kim, some days more pronounced than others, but it does! And some in ways I have never imagined.
I must have read the book of Job a thousand times these past eight months. And each time God revealed to me a new truth.
I still struggle with the same feelings - and being angry at God. But I have found that those times are when I need to praise Him the most because that is when I feel the greatest spiritual battle going on and satan whispering in my ear that God doesn't love me.
Time will never "heal" the hurt but time will change it, and life will never be "normal" but time will morph it into something new and better.
Be patient with yourself, and don't be too hard on yourself. You (and I) are mothers that lost a child. There are many people praying for you and interceding on your behalf to the Father.
Praying always. May God comfort your heart and protect you and your family!
I got the idea to blog from my cousin who is in Kentucky. Through her blog I ran across your and 2 other blogs who now share the loss of your precious babies. I have thoroughly been encouraged in my faith and belief by reading yours and the other 2 blogs. My heart breaks for you. I am a mother to 3 children and have been married for 10 years. Yesterday marked the 5 year anniversary of when my 12 year old cousin, David, went home to be with Jesus. He struggled with heart problems, many surgeries and 2 transplants. He was quite a miracle and we all felt his life was too short. My husband wrote and sang "David's Song" at his mother's request. It's on my heart to share these lyrics with you and the other 2 mothers and hope that you may find some comfort.
David's Song
A family's kneeling by a bed,
where their baby boy's asleep.
They gently pull the covers tight, and kiss him on the cheek.
And then they close their eyes and slowly bow their heads to pray. And then with a whisper, you could hear them say;
Lord I thank you for this boy,
and for sending him to me.
Oh,Lord please protect him,
wrap him up in angel wings.
Hold him closely in your arms and comfort him with your peace.
Lord, I thank you for this boy and for sending him to me.
A family's kneeling by a grave,
where there baby boy's asleep.
He has gone to Heaven now,
and he's watching us as we speak.
Then they close their eyes and cry Lord, help us through this day.
And then there's a whisper and the Lord began to say:
Don't you worry about your boy, cause he's sitting here with me,
I will always protect him,
I've wrapped him up in angel wings.
I've held him closely in my arms and he's comforted with my peace, so don't worry about your boy, cause he's resting here with me.
You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.
Kim
Oh sweet lady.. I know how you feel. Yes.. I do. Even if for me the loss was nine years ago. I do know how you feel. The big difference between losing an older child and an infant is the PHYSICAL loss. WE have all the scars and all the hormones.. and the milk for a baby that no longer breathes.
When I was at the stage you are at I didn't want people to tell me that time heals. Healing meant getting over Cainan and I didn't EVER want to get over him. Every day that went by was one day further away from seeing him. On the anniversary of his death this year (January 17) I told my husband "he really WAS a person!" He reassured me that he was.
As Christians we know that we will see them again.. but we miss them NOW! There would be nights I would have to LAY on my aching arms because I wanted to hold him SO badly! I wanted to go to the mauseoleum where he was being held until spring burial and rock him. I worried that he was cold. These are all a part of losing an infant. I am so sorry that you now have to be a member of this club.. the club you never wanted to join. Just think of that little heavenly anchor you have now. May God be with you. Any words of mine are empty and cold.. only he can help with your healing.
In God's Peace,
Sarah Talo
www.caringbridge.org/mi/laban
talojs@aol.com
Hi Kim,
I am just dropping in this morning to tell you that I love you and my prayers continue for you. Mary Grace is remembered in my home and heart with so many other precious babies.
You and Chris and your girls are loved.
Love and Hugs,
Laurie in Ca.
Kim,
Everyone grieves different and it ok for you to be mad and angry at God. He know your true heart and when you are unable to talk to him others are lifing you up and he is still there beside you because he loves you. He know that what you have gone through is more than our human hearts can handle. He would rather have your scream and yell at him then pretend like everything is ok. You are a mommy and there is a place in your heart where you will always miss Mary Grace and that is ok.
You are human, you are real. It's okay to feel this way . Grief is what it is at the time it happens. I keep you in my prayers and know that one day, whenever that day comes, you will feel better.
You have every right to be mad. God understands. What is so awesome is that He still loves us and is there with us. He grieves with us. You don't owe us (bloggy people) any explanation or reason for why you feel this way. Don't pretend. I appreciate your willingness to be open and honest. The body of Christ is holding you up. Praying...praying!
I was "blog-hopping" this evening and came here. And found you. And I'm crying for you. You can know that I too will be praying for you. Lots.
Love
Corinne
(from Victoria, BC Canada)
Dear Kim,
Your words are so true. And although you said you are not praising him, you are still acknowledging that He is in control and that one day you will see your beautiful Mary Grace again. God wants us to be real with him. He wants an intimate relationship. You can't be intimate without anger and sorrow and utter grief, when that is truly what you are feeling. I have walked a similar road. I will not say it was the same because whose journey is, but similar. My daughter Brianna died in July of last year. She was eight 1/2 months old. I feel blessed to have those months to get to know her. I also lost a son in April of 2005. I carried him for 27 weeks and held him for minutes until he passed away. I have been angry to. Very angry and grief stricken. I know no other way to put it. There were day in the weeks after my daughters death that all I did was cry out Why?! Why couldn't I be the one holding my beautiful baby at the park? Why wasn't my daughter and son laughing at each other over something silly daddy did? Why couldn't my son and daughter have lived. Three, I should have three little ones! Even now as I type this to you, it brings tears to my eyes and a lump in my throat. Holding it together for my older son was so hard, nearly impossible. Thank God for my husband. I felt like I was in such a daze for a while. But, it has gotten better. One day and one moment at a time. I still have days. How could a mother not? Why? I don't think I will ever know the reason, but don't hesitate to feel what you are feeling. It is normal, a new kind of normal. If you ever want to chat, I have a page at www.cafemom.com. My screenname is MelissaJen. I am not trying to preach to you at all, I dislike when I get that from others, but here is a summarization of a verse that is helpful to me.
Hebrews 5:7: While Jesus was here on earth, he offered prayers and pleadings, with load cry and tears, to the one who could deliver Him out of death. And God heard his prayers because of his reverence for God.
If I can leave you with anything, just know that God wants us to be honest with him about everything.
You will be in my prayers.
Melissa
Thinking of you today dear Kim, and praying for you, asking Him to bless you in this storm.
Love, Laurie in Ca.
Dear Kim,
You have the right to feel what you are feeling. You are only human... God loves you regardless. God will be there when you are ready.
We are all praying for you!
Love,
Patricia Hornbaker
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