Thursday, June 12, 2008

Prone to Wonder.....

Lord I feel it, prone to leave the God I love. Here's my heart Lord take and seal it, seal it for thy courts above.

I am sure you know by now that I LOVE christian music. It ministers to me like nothing else. And more than that I LOVE hymns. I love singing them to my girls. I love knowing why they were written (especially since I was given Mary Grace). When I am having a "moment" and words come to me that I can't figure out where they come from or what song it is...I love being able to go to my hymnal and find it and get excited to introduce it to my girls. Since a lot of churches have gone to mostly praise music (which my church does and I love) I still want my girls to grow up having the old Hymns in there hearts. Cause man how much it has meant to me, in my happiest and in my darkest moments. It's like knowing the bible and going through something in your life and just having the word of God in your heart to help you through it, verses like Phil. 4:8 "Finally Brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable...if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think on such things". Unfortunately I am horrible at memorizing verses...but songs.....I know the words to songs and I can break out in a song at any given moment.

Sunday my girls and their Memom was outside playing in the driveway, I wasn't sure where Chris was, and I was fixing dinner and my heart had been stirring since the message at church that morning. I was engulfed with thoughts of Heaven and Mary Grace, looking out the window at her tree (again it means the world to me to have that tree!) and feeling oh so emotional. I had the radio on and one of my favorite songs came on : Let it Fade by Jeremy camp ( on my play list to listen to) and I could not get to the volume knob fast enough!! I ran to it, blasted the music, closed my eyes and starting lifting my hands up to the sky and when I opened my eyes Chris was standing there and I totally lost it...I collapsed in his arms and wept and it felt so good! He asked what made you think of her? and I said I always think of her. He said no I mean was it the song that made you think of her? I said no..I mean I ALWAYS think of her. I love my husband and he is the most awesome man in the world, but please! Mary Grace is a constant in my mind - there isn't any one thing that makes me think of her - my thoughts are always on her. How can a person explain that? A Mother's thoughts are always on her children, and there's no way to explain it.

Now...there are things all the time that trigger certain thoughts. Like the hair in the drain (Emily calls it Chubacka which totally cracks me up) triggers the thoughts of my body recovering from having a baby but she isn't here with me. My tight "big" clothes remind me that I have baby weight and she isn't here with me. My arms that literally ache at times remind me that I will never hold Mary Grace in my earthly arms again. When I go to see Kailey dance in her recital (which she was amazing) it reminds me that I will never get to see Mary Grace dance on stage. When I put sunscreen on my girls I think that I should have a third sweet girl standing in line waiting to be lubed up. When I go through clothes I have to remember that I do not need to save them for Mary Grace. When I walk in the office I am reminded that it's not a nursery. When I run to the grocery store I do not need to make sure my baby girl is fed up to last her three hours so Chris can stay home with the three girls. When I register Allison for Kindergarten I think of not having alone time with Mary Grace for 3 hours while Allison is in school. When I see Kailey in the seat next to Allison in our van, I am reminded that she is not in the back so that Mary can sit there in her infant car seat. When I think of Mary Grace being 5 months old I am reminded that I do not have to clear space in my cabinets to make room for baby food. I can go on and what made me think of her? I ALWAYS think of sweet Mary Grace........I love you sweet girl.

And then I hear a sermon preached, a sermon about God calling me to make an eternal difference and what am I building into eternity? Am I building with Gold/Silver/precious stones or hay and stubble? When I get to Heaven I will hear enter in, thanks to Jesus Christ's blood and His Grace, but will I hear "well done thy good and faithful servant" or will I just get a shrug? And I visualize my Mary Grace entering into Heaven and Jesus holding her, dancing with her, pitching her up in the air and saying "well done Mary Grace, I am so very proud of you". And it thrills my heart and soul!!!!!!!! She came into this world for 7 short hours and made such an ETERNAL impact on so many many people that it really makes her Momma proud. And she makes me want to make her proud, she makes me want to make my God proud, my Savior proud. She makes me want exist for eternity. She makes me want to be a better Mommy to Kailey and Allison, a better wife to Chris, a better Daughter, Sister, Friend.......

I know I gotta long way to go. I know I am struggling, struggling with anger, bitterness, anxiety, eating, must I go on? But we (God and me) will get this done. When I was feeling sorry for myself this weekend and I was letting my strong holds get a hold of me, I could literally hear Mary Grace saying to me "mommy this is not what I want for you, this is not what God intended, this is not why God gave me to you, I want you to be happy, I want you to be okay for my sisters...I am here, I always will's okay to be okay, I am yours and I will be waiting for you!"

I get exhausted a lot by being okay in front of people. I mean I really do not intend on "faking it" I really do not try to put on a's just not me to be down in front of others. I am the type of person where I want everyone to be happy, I do not want anyone to feel uncomfortable or down, I want everyone to be okay so it's not something I mean to do, it's just me. But I can finally just get exhausted by it and that's when I have my down times. But this is grief, this is sadness and longing for my Mary Grace...and I know my Father is okay with it. But I know too that He wants more from this and I will give it to Him.....I will............

Keeping praying my friends, keep praying that I do not waste any of this.......

Monday, June 2, 2008

Pistol Packin' Momma

This is my new nick name for Kenzie and it cracks me up every time I think of it.
Some of you have read Kenzie's blog but for those of you who haven't let me tell you about Saturday.
First let me start by saying GOD IS SO GOOD!! There is a lot of tragedy, a lot of heart ache, a lot of disappointment, but...there is also so much to be joyful about, to be happy about, to praise Him about and Kenzie is at the top of my list. (Along with all my new found friends).
Kenzie and I live about 5 1/2 hours from each other and have talked for a while about getting together. So....Saturday was a day that worked out for both of us and we met in the middle in Austin. Kenzie was there a little bit before me so she got parked and waited. I pulled up and picked her up on the side of the street in Downtown Austin and from the moment she sat in my's as if I knew her my whole life. The first thing Chris said when he saw our picture was that we could be sisters...and I said "we are, soul sisters!"
Well..we headed off to get some famous green chili cheese fries (boot camp is over!) at the famous Shady Grove in Austin. We talked about our precious angels, our families, our gripes, our questions, our fears, our praises and the list goes on. After sitting there for a few hours and I am sure annoying our waiter who was losing tips, we decided to head down the road and do some sight seeing and walking around. The light turned greened - I had to wait for a pedestrian to cross and BOOM. We got rear ended. We pulled into a Whataburger and once I found out everyone was okay..the laughs began. I mean really.....we are 1 in 3,000 and the odds proved themselves yet again...we couldn't help but to laugh. After spending 2 1/2 hours in the whataburger parking lot waiting for the cops......they came and gave us a sheet to fill out, no police report and said see ya! Now...during the wait, I witnessed a person walking with a belt and bracelet made of bullets...couldn't motion to Kenzie cause he had a back pack too and I just knew we would make the 10 o clock news. After he was out of site I told Kenzie and she then tells me she is licenced to carry a fire arm...what! Kenzie, sweet precious Kenzie? she is "Pistol Packin' Momma" to me! Cracks me up!
We finished the day with more laughs, some tears, more good food (boot camp is REALLY over), great conversation, and regret that we hadn't planned to spend the night and have more time together. Good Times!

I am so thankful for Mary Grace, Maddox, Miller Grace, Tristan, Poppy, Eva, Madeline, Happy...really the list is so much that if I continued I would be devastated to leave anyone out! You know who you are....I love you all, I love your babies, I love your hearts, I love and Praise the one and only God who has brought us together. There was nothing like looking into the eyes of another Mommy who got it. Who knew exactly what I was saying even if she felt differently or her story played out differently than mine. Friends...we gotta reach out, we gotta be there for each other, we can't waste this...these gifts that God has given us.

On another note, a note that breaks my heart deeply...please pray for the Fahmer Family. Jacob was born the same day as Mary Grace. I have loved reading about him, watching him grow, watching him beat all the odds and touch the world every day, all 139 of them. I have imagined through watching Jacob, Mary Grace and where she would be if she was still here with me. Sweet Jacob is now with Mary Grace in the arms of our Savior Jesus Christ. Please pray without ceasing for this family. It's never enough time.....

God is great but sometimes life ain't good!