Friday, May 30, 2008

What a day that will be.....

I am writing today but let me warn you, my brain is pretty much mush. It’s filled with so much stuff that I do not know where to begin and do not know how it will end. I am overwhelmed with my “to do” list, the piles that lay before me from paperwork to laundry, the endless piles of papers that come home from school (to keep or not to keep so they all just lay there), the things I need to get accomplished and off of my plate but I just can’t seem to move forward with any of it. Yesterday I bought two bags of groceries and walked past them a hundred times and just couldn’t put them away (besides the stuff that HAD to go in the refrigerator). I mean really, it was grapes, some broccoli, bread and apples and I seriously could not put it away. How can that weigh on a person? I mean it’s a few groceries for goodness sakes, not finding a cure for cancer or solving global warming. So is this depression, the feeling of hopelessness at times when you can’t even do a simple thing? I think that’s why when I get dinner on the table 5 out of 7 nights I feel like I should get an award for such an accomplishment, who cares if it’s spaghetti or "just add water" pancakes (with calcium at least).

I have been trying to limit my computer time as it was starting to get out of control. I was spending hours here and when it’s the first place Kailey or Allison look for me, I thought that was a sign. But it is a place where I do not feel so alone. I now just try to check to see how everyone is doing (2 to 3 a day). I have to say there have been some really exciting things happening with my friends, miracles and displays of God’s grace and power, but it has also been a tough few weeks of adding to my prayer list and feeling discouraged that so many people’s lives are changing due to similar circumstances to mine. Whether it be difficulties in raising a special needs child, death before birth, death after birth or SIDS…it’s just crazy. I sometimes feel that it may be best for me right now if I just stayed away from the computer all together so the reality of this life will not bring me down further, but there’s just no way. There is no way I can be comfortable knowing that God is specifically putting people in my life for me to pray for, people who need and covet our prayers. I can’t ignore it, I can’t walk away from it…who am I to think that it’s okay to just safely get through this life with as little grief as possible. I look around me and am reminded all that I am blessed with, my home, clothes on my back, a beautiful family, my stomach has never felt TRUE hunger, the bills are paid. Yes I have lost one of the most precious gifts that has ever been given to me and I would trade all of the stuff to have Mary Grace back, but I will not be separated from her forever (this world is not our home, we’re just a passin’ through). Because of what Jesus did for me, I have the promise of having it ALL for eternity, not just this brief moment in time. If given the choice I choose eternity not this ole’ world.

Well today was my last day of my 4-week boot camp. I decided to jump in a have something kick my butt and I finished it. Let me tell you that there was hardly a day that went by that I would not get back into my car, with not a dry thread on my body, and not have a break down on the way home. I was pretty much ticked the whole time, especially when I would wear the wrong shorts and my inner thighs would remind me during the whole run! I mean first I thought….am I actually paying for this, for someone to kick my butt like this? Second I was mad the whole time trying to lose baby weight with no baby to show for it. I would get in my car and think, I should have a baby to rush home to breast-feed. I mean with my other two, when I had to lose the weight it was okay, a slow process and I remember going to the gym in between the three hour feedings and needing to get back home to feed my sweet girls. Now I am coming home to pictures of my sweet girl, the house empty of her. Oh it’s just so hard, it just stinks. But….today on my last day I was having to talk myself into staying and not leaving early pretty much the whole time and on that last run I had the most overwhelming beautiful thought of….. “Mary Grace you are worth all of this”. And I kid you not, when I got into my car, started it up, Chris Tomlin was singing “my chains are gone, I’ve been set free” (the girls call it Mary and Poppy Joy’s song). So…..I lost it again, but this time with tears of joy. And at the end of that song he sings “you are forever mine” I sang it to Mary Grace, because death and passing from this world, does not change the fact that she is forever mine and I will see her some sweet day. “And what a day that will be, when my Jesus I shall see, and I look upon His face the one who saved me by His Grace. And when He takes me by the hand and leads me to the promise land, what a day …glorious day that will be".

Please pray specifically right now for my cousin/best friend Tracy’s family. She lost her Grandfather this week and he is walking in perfection with Mary Grace right now.

Pray also for Greg, Nicol and Summer Sponberg as they deal with the loss of their baby boy Luke due to SIDS. This is Angie’s family who recently lost Audrey Caroline and now have to bury another baby in the family, it’s unfathomable.

Romans 8:38-39 “For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God, that is Christ Jesus our Lord”.

Thursday, May 22, 2008

Prayer Request - Faith Webb

Hi Friends. Sorry I haven't updated lately. I do have a prayer request today. Faith Webb will be entering into this world. She has been diagnosed with Trisomy 18. Please pray that God will bless this precious family with lots of time with their angel and that they will feel His hand holding them the whole way through.
She is one of the links under my prayer list...check on her and let them know you are thinking about them and praying for them - I remember how much it means.

Thursday, May 1, 2008


is not a feeling, it's not an emotion. Trust is a decision, a choice. It's something that I think every Christian struggles with concerning God and His ways (Lord knows I do!). If we truly believe in God and His Holy Word and have a relationship with Christ, then we believe to some extent, if not all, that the things that He allows to happen to us are for His glory and for our good....Romans 8:28 "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." But man is it tough to take sometimes! You know, I don't think God ever promised that if we walked with Him , it would be a perfect road, (but some of it just feels too hard). In fact, we see time and time again in the bible and in our present day life, that some of the best Christians and believers are the ones who are persecuted the most and the hardest. But let's admit it....when these bad things happen to Christians, and they CHOOSE to trust God, to praise Him, to glorify Him, how much more powerful is that?! So powerful!! How easy is it to praise Him when things are going great, when things are pretty much perfect? Does that really say a whole lot?

I know in the past I have seen Christians get the worst Satan attacks ever, when they are really on fire for God, bam Satan attacks them! And I have thought.....okay.....I do not want to face those hardships so I am going to play it safe...not be too on fire for God to draw Satan's attention to me! You know, one of those "Safe" Christians. Still a Christian, still saved through Grace, still going to heaven, but SAFE....making no impact, making no difference for the Kingdom of God.
And, when the trials have come in my life (2 biggies so far) I have been angry, bitter, withdrawn....but I have still dug may way out by the power of my Savior and have found a way back to Him, even though He never left me! Praise Jesus for His love and patience for even me! He loves all of us, Christ died so that we may have life and have it more abundantly!! If you are facing a "biggie" right now, God is there, He WILL carry you I promise. I can now say truly, I KNOW! Isaiah 41:10 "So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."
And if what you are going through is not a "biggie" know that nothing is too big or small, God wants our everything...He wants to help us and be our Father in the small things too. (Besides...God doesn't have a scale,He wants it ALL). Phil 4:6 "Do not be anxious about anything, but in EVERYTHING, by prayer and petition with thanksgiving, present your requests to God."

Of course I do not want any more biggies, but I tell you now...I do not want to play it safe! I do not want to "lay low" so Satan will not target me. Greater is He that is in me than he that is in the world! I want to Glorify the Almighty Father who has made it possible for me to spend eternity with all my loved ones who accept His Son as their Savior, because without Him there is no hope. I have always known how great a sacrifice Jesus was but I especially realize it now.
I was given a miracle, I was given a beautiful life, I was chosen to be the Mother to precious Mary Grace, praise Him for loving me so much!! And as sure as I decided to follow Jesus....I have decided not to waste what He gave me in Mary Grace - she is too precious to waste. I am not saying that I will not struggle, probably daily, but I AM saying that I have a longing for that Kingdom, that Kingdom I am called to make a difference for.

I have imagined a love note from my Heavenly Father that says "Will you Trust Me? Yes or not circle OR." I circle YES..I choose to Trust.

Deuteronomy 32:4
"He is the Rock, his works are perfect, and all his ways are just. A faithful God who does no wrong, upright and just is he."

On Christ the solid rock I stand, all other ground is sinking sand, all other ground is sinking sand.

When you can, please watch this inspiring video of a family who is in the depths of grief having lost their precious Audrey Caroline, but is choosing to Trust while realizing the true picture of what that WILL be blessed. The "Smith Family Story".