Friday, April 25, 2008

Batter Batter Swing

Jeez Louse this hurts! I am so mad right now. I just want to curse...I just want to scream, but I can't so I thought I would come "blog it out". I started reading a book tonight, When bad things happen to good people....I have only finished 2 pages and I threw it down (i am sure it will be good), I thought of all the books I have STARTED since I have lost Mary Grace....and I realized, I don't want to be the person who needs to read these books, I don't want to be the person who has to buy the One Year Book of Hope, I don't want to be the person who has to relate to Job, or read Psalms for comfort and/or peace!! I want my Mary Grace back, I want this to be over. I want to say...Okay God, we got through it, we have given you Glory to the best of our ability, NOW give her back!! I need her NOW!!!

I just read another Mom's blog where she had a dream that she stood outside and if she screamed loud enough God would drop her baby out of the sky.....oh heavens if only.....I feel like I could split the Eastern sky wide open with my scream tonight. I wish I could take a ball bat and go to town. Kick boxing might be good? I don't know.....that's just it, I don't know (but I know the One who does).

I have wanted to come write for the last two days about the anger I am feeling...but I didn't want to scare people, or discourage them. That's the fine line that's hard to draw when in the blogging world.....the responsibility that comes with it (wow is this what Brittney and Paris feel like?:). Oh how I DO want to glorify God, how I do want to be the one to encourage not discourage, but...I feel I need to be real and honest at the same time...cause it's real, grief is hard, it stinks to be a woman who has carried and given birth to three babies and only raising 2. There is no way to discount or describe the feelings of anguish (pure anguish) that comes with that. I also want the people who come here that may be going through the same type thing, to realize too, that you can be totally secure in your salvation (John 3:16)and love Jesus with all your heart, but still be angry. I mean God knows our hearts why try to fool anyone else? I am not really good at showing people how I am really feeling, you know...the "how are you doing?" "Oh I am doing okay"....that stuff. And by the time I just go through my day, trying to be a good Mommy to the girls, loving them, paying attention to them (the best I can), keeping the house decent (livable), laundry, dinner piles up inside emotionally and sometimes you (my blogging friends) get the brunt of this junk. see...when I start writing, truths come flooding my soul. The truths of the blessings I still have with me, the truth that having Mary Grace is worth all the hurt even if I can't keep her with me to raise (I would do it 1,000 more times for those 7 precious hours)....the truth that I really can't relate to Job cause PRAISE GOD, I still have so much. It's all coming back to me now! See......this is so therapeutic!

One of the terms that will repeat itself to me daily for the rest of my life probably, is the term I heard when they gave me Mary Grace's diagnoses of t-18....."incompatible with life". That just always bugged me, who are they to tell me, they are not in control here! And the other night while driving in the car, I was thinking to myself...why does it bug me so much, that phrase that I repeat in my head can make me so angry......then I realized.....because Mary Grace was given to me FOR Life. She is my daughter, and death will never change that. Also, it gave me great joy to realize....she takes after her Momma...cause I am incompatible with life - at least I want to be incompatible with the life of this world. John 12:25 says "The man who loves his life will lose it, while the man who hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life".

Friends, thanks for listening, thanks for caring and praying. Thanks for being there for me to swing the bat at! I think times like these are inevitable when you have lost something as precious as I have. I know there are those out there who have endured much more loss than I and I feel for you, I pray for you...but how can you compare loss, it's impossible.......

Consider Paul considered everything he had accomplished...
Philippians 3:8 "What is more, I consider EVERYTHING a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in him, ...."

Philippians 1:21 "For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain"


Monday, April 14, 2008

3 months..........

Not only is today the 14th and marks exactly 3 months since we kissed our sweet Mary Grace and then said goodbye, but it's a Monday which is the DAY she was born. The 14th of the month is hard, Mondays are hard, but both in one day is pretty yuck. I thought about it a lot this weekend and knew today I would stay busy and I did. But every non-focused thought turned to my sweet Mary Grace. I have to tell you however, that is not a bad thing. In fact when I have a day that is so busy and she doesn't cross my mind as much, at the end of that day I feel more sad. I love to think of her, I love to talk about her and when I got home today and had one e-mail that was titled "3 months" and the message simply said that I was being prayed for and thought about today.....well it made my day. That maybe I was not the only one on earth that realized today's significance - it really meant a lot. Now...if you saw me today and didn't remember or mention not feel bad, that is not what I intend and I understand that I live with this every minute of every day and do not expect the same from fact I didn't even realize myself how much it would mean until I opened up my e-mail. It did however help me to realize even more, that it feels extremely good when someone does remember and acknowledge and talk about Mary Grace, so don't be scared, it makes me happy not sad.

I went on a field trip with Kailey today to the Dallas World Aquarium and it was hectic and a little crazy but fun. But as busy and crazy as it was almost every other thought was of Mary Grace. How she would be 3 months old today and that I should not have been able to be a chaperon. How I should be pushing her around in a stroller while trying to enjoy Kailey's day too. How I should be scrambling for a private place to feed my sweet girl. How everyone should look at me and talk about how precious the new baby is, how she has Kailey's eyes and Allison's nose....and then look at me and realize SHE is why I am 30 lbs over weight (well not all her fault!!) and my hair is thinning. AAAHHH it just hurts....... but you know....God is sustaining me. Even with the hurt and despair, I am able to walk, smile and even enjoy Kailey/life for the day. You know most people might even think that I am doing really good. Praise Jesus for that because I was really scared of the aftermath of this... and it's been doable.

"When you pass through the waters, I will be with you. And when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you....For I am the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior," Is. 43:2a-3a

Thank you for all your continued thoughts, prayers and comments. My sweet family, friends,even stranger's support and first and foremost, my Loving Savior Jesus Christ, is keeping me from drowning.....

Monday, April 7, 2008

How Sweet It Is

I don't know if you remember but I know I have mentioned how perfect Mary Grace's nose was (it was one of the first things I noticed). So much so, that I couldn't count the number of times I kissed her nose, rubbed it against my cheek or just touched it, even after her spirit was already with Jesus. I really thought a few times I could literally bite it off - if you are a Mom you know what I am talking about. Anyway - these pictures are priceless to me - thank you again Amber from NILMDTS - now a dear friend - it's such a blessing to look at these and remember the feeling I had (BTW - she took over 1,100 pictures that day and we didn't even realize she was in the room! now that's good photography!). I hope these pictures show why it is worth it all, why I would do it a thousand more times just for these precious moments. God blessed us with Mary Grace and I will praise Him forever!!

I just know God formed her hand like this to tell me she loves me when I look at her pictures. And they called it a "hand abnormality" ha!