Friday, April 25, 2008

Batter Batter Swing





Jeez Louse this hurts! I am so mad right now. I just want to curse...I just want to scream, but I can't so I thought I would come "blog it out". I started reading a book tonight, When bad things happen to good people....I have only finished 2 pages and I threw it down (i am sure it will be good), I thought of all the books I have STARTED since I have lost Mary Grace....and I realized, I don't want to be the person who needs to read these books, I don't want to be the person who has to buy the One Year Book of Hope, I don't want to be the person who has to relate to Job, or read Psalms for comfort and/or peace!! I want my Mary Grace back, I want this to be over. I want to say...Okay God, we got through it, we have given you Glory to the best of our ability, NOW give her back!! I need her NOW!!!

I just read another Mom's blog where she had a dream that she stood outside and if she screamed loud enough God would drop her baby out of the sky.....oh heavens if only.....I feel like I could split the Eastern sky wide open with my scream tonight. I wish I could take a ball bat and go to town. Kick boxing might be good? I don't know.....that's just it, I don't know (but I know the One who does).

I have wanted to come write for the last two days about the anger I am feeling...but I didn't want to scare people, or discourage them. That's the fine line that's hard to draw when in the blogging world.....the responsibility that comes with it (wow is this what Brittney and Paris feel like?:). Oh how I DO want to glorify God, how I do want to be the one to encourage not discourage, but...I feel I need to be real and honest at the same time...cause it's real, grief is hard, it stinks to be a woman who has carried and given birth to three babies and only raising 2. There is no way to discount or describe the feelings of anguish (pure anguish) that comes with that. I also want the people who come here that may be going through the same type thing, to realize too, that you can be totally secure in your salvation (John 3:16)and love Jesus with all your heart, but still be angry. I mean God knows our hearts anyway....so why try to fool anyone else? I am not really good at showing people how I am really feeling, you know...the "how are you doing?" "Oh I am doing okay"....that stuff. And by the time I just go through my day, trying to be a good Mommy to the girls, loving them, paying attention to them (the best I can), keeping the house decent (livable), laundry, dinner etc....it piles up inside emotionally and sometimes you (my blogging friends) get the brunt of this junk.

But....you see...when I start writing, truths come flooding my soul. The truths of the blessings I still have with me, the truth that having Mary Grace is worth all the hurt even if I can't keep her with me to raise (I would do it 1,000 more times for those 7 precious hours)....the truth that I really can't relate to Job cause PRAISE GOD, I still have so much. It's all coming back to me now! See......this is so therapeutic!

One of the terms that will repeat itself to me daily for the rest of my life probably, is the term I heard when they gave me Mary Grace's diagnoses of t-18....."incompatible with life". That just always bugged me, who are they to tell me, they are not in control here! And the other night while driving in the car, I was thinking to myself...why does it bug me so much, that phrase that I repeat in my head can make me so angry......then I realized.....because Mary Grace was given to me FOR Life. She is my daughter, and death will never change that. Also, it gave me great joy to realize....she takes after her Momma...cause I am incompatible with life - at least I want to be incompatible with the life of this world. John 12:25 says "The man who loves his life will lose it, while the man who hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life".

Friends, thanks for listening, thanks for caring and praying. Thanks for being there for me to swing the bat at! I think times like these are inevitable when you have lost something as precious as I have. I know there are those out there who have endured much more loss than I and I feel for you, I pray for you...but how can you compare loss, it's impossible.......

Consider this...as Paul considered everything he had accomplished...
Philippians 3:8 "What is more, I consider EVERYTHING a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in him, ...."

Philippians 1:21 "For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain"

AMEN

24 comments:

Anonymous said...

I have been following your blog, and my heart aches for you and several others that have had similar experiences recently. I just looked at another blog named "Bring The Rain" about another Mom walking in your footsteps and I think you will appreciate the song/video that was recently posted. It is truly beautiful and I feel sure it will be even more meaningful to you. God Bless

Rebecca (Ramblings by Reba) said...

You're welcome to "swing" at us any time. :)

We love you.

Rebecca

Andrea @ Mommy Snacks.net said...

I've just bound your blog (through baby Audrey's story) and just want to say that you are now on my heart too! I can't imagine losing a child. Our baby had surgery when he was 5 months and that was horrible enough. I will pray for you and the comfort God can provide in the days ahead!

Debbie said...

Vent away. We are not asked to not feel this way. We are asked to hold on till the end when we will be reunited with our litte ones and the others that have left this earthly life. Agree with you about all the struggles and how much feelings pour out when blogging. Keeping you and your family in my thoughts and prayers daily.

Love, Debbie

Anonymous said...

As a mom who is living on earth with one of her children in heaven with Mary Grace I say "Vent On!!" While we 'do not mourn as those without hope' we do still need to mourn!! We were not created for death and being apart - we were created for life and relationship and when that doesn't happen it hurts. Loosing a child rots, it really does.
Hugs to you,
Stacey
staceys@kcweb.net

Cathy said...

Thank you for your honesty and your humaness! My heart aches for your pain. Scream on, God hears your screams. Cathy & Annabel

Laurie in Ca. said...

Kim,

You DO glorify God everytime you write here truthfully and honestly. I think it is safe to say that other moms walking this same road you are on feel refreshed to read of your anger. All outward emotions seem to always be rooted in the deep pain that is within, too raw to face head on. I, for one, can handle anything you throw out here. It lets me know where to pray. If your words from your heart scare people, it is their problem and not yours. It is your anguish and I come here to try to encourage you, not to be entertained. Just keep letting it all out Kim, there is so much I am sure. It clears the heart out so you are free to hear Gods whispers of love and comfort to you. I hope you have a peaceful and wonderful weekend with your family. You are such a good mom and wife.

Love you Kim, Laurie in Ca.

Anonymous said...

Thanks for sharing...we are here for you...continuing to keep you in my thoughts and prayers...

Anonymous said...

Kim and Chris,

Edwin and I continue to pray for you and the girls.

So many of the scriptures you mention, I have heard on Christian radio.

Those scriptures have reminded me to pray, not only for you, but for everyone I know who have suffered.

These past few months have been very hard. Too many people I know, or who people I know love, have passed away.

Mornings as I drive to work, I pray for you and I wonder at God's plan. Then, I hear a sermon that touches my heart.

The pictures of all the family touch my heart. I can picture Mary Grace's face as I drive. She is so beautiful.

Deborah S.

Just Me said...

I'm not sure if I've ever left a comment here, but you have definitely been in my thoughts and prayers. Just a few minutes ago, I was listening to the song on Audrey's site and immediately thought I should tell you about it. I'm so glad that someone else did.

Continued prayers to you and your family,
Amanda

These Three Kings said...

Hi, you dont know me, but I found your blog via blogs for a cause..
I am praying for you.. I want you to know that GOD does care ( as I know you know) He loves you and that sweet baby of yours..PLEASE if you have not already read the book "TRUST GOD EVEN WHEN LIFE HURTS" it will I can assure you give you all the answers you are looking for... the LORD has used it to bring so much peace to my heart in the hardest situations..its by Jerry Bridges--
Grace and Peace to your family,
Nicole

Aimee said...

I enjoy reading your posts. 3 months has been terribly hard for me. Praying for God's sweet mercies each morning for you.
www.weathersfamily2007.blogspot.com

boltefamily said...

Thank you for posting this Kim! I am so sorry that you are hurting so much yet I am so thankful to know I am not alone. Each morning I wake up and can only hold two of the four boys I carried in my arms and I too am angry. I often times think to myself about how unfair it all seems. Then I feel guilty for whining and complaining because I too have been given so much! Thank you for being honest. I firmly believe God led us all to eachother to help carry one another on this journey and to help us remember we are human and just because we hurt doesn't mean we love our God less or are any less grateful. You are shining His light so beautifully dear friend!

Love and Prayers,
kristy

Kim said...

Thank you for sharing with all of us bloggers-I have not been where you are-I hate you don't have your baby girl with you right now. I don't even know you and I ache when I read your words. I think it's amazing-your faith-your depending on God while going through this.
You are right-you feel how you feel, and I hope you feel surrounded by us bloggers with nothing but support.
Prayers are with you and your sweet family that God is preparing blessings to pour over you.
Kim

Emily said...

Let it out, Kim. Let it all out. Until we release all the pain, the hurt, the disappointment and give it all to God, there will be no room for the beautiful things to come take their place. You're doign it. One breath at a time, we all are. Thanks for walking this road with me and letting me walk it with you. I love you.

Chrissy said...

Thank you for continuing to share your pain! Thinking of you so often. Praying for you the same! Love you!

Kathy said...

Sweet, sweet friend, I don't even know you and I haven't been introduced to you until recently, but I wish I could just give you a hug. God is using you even in your anger to comfort others and glorify Him. The meaning of glorifying God means to give an accurate description or picture of Him. You are doing that...in your grief, your mourning, your anger. It is no less glorifying than when you praise Him when you are joyful. In fact, I believe it is even more glorifying and worshipful because it is from the deepest, most tender, most honest part of your heart. Praying for His comfort...love, Kathy

Jared, Kristin, Deanna, Avery, and Adam Edwards said...

Thanks for the encouraging post. We feel the same way. Have you found a Psalm that represents the cry of your heart? Jeremiah and Lamentations have also been helpful to us. Praying for you.

Laurie in Ca. said...

Hi Kim,

Just stopping by tonight to let you know I am thinking about you and praying you through this time. I hope you remember that you can "swing" at us any time you feel the need to vent. My heart goes out to all of you moms and I ache for you all. I will never understand why there are 18 babies on my prayer list, all with Trisomy 18, and they are all in heaven now. It makes me angry, not at God but at this life here that we live. I pray for all of you to get through each day with Gods strength, for your hearts to mend with time, and find the joy and hope that is there in each day.
Mary Grace's ministry lives on through your voice for her here. Just keep speaking and we will listen.

Love you, Laurie in Ca.

Cara said...

I have come across your blog from reading about baby Audrey. And now I have had the sweet blessing (and heartbreak) of reading about precious baby Mary Grace. I have a new baby girl along with a 2 year old son. They are the light in my eyes, my favorite reason for getting out of bed. Mary Grace's and Audrey's stories have touched my soul so deeply, that I went in and got my sweet baby Kate up from her crib and just held her in my arms, rocking her. I gazed down at her incredible face, and I just sobbed and prayed over her, thankful that I have her. And I prayed for you and for the Smith family, because I don't know what else to do. My heart is aching so deeply for you, I cannot sleep. I am appalled at the solid faith you have had and continue to carry through this unspeakable time. The fact that you are sharing your heart and allowing us to glimpse into it is indescribable to me. Though my heart is broken, it is also being lifted up because of your faith and your unshakable trust in our loving Father. I am hearing "He Will Carry Me" by Mark Schultz in my head now. I don't know you, but I feel like somehow I do. Thank you for being sensitive to the Holy Spirit's leading and posting such a truly beautiful story of your amazing Mary Grace. I only wish I could have met her beautiful little face, and kissed that irresistible nose you miss so much. I am praying that God will swaddle you up in His peace and presence and never let you go.
Your sister in Christ,
Cara

Kenzie said...

Kim-

Just wanted you to know that I love you and am so glad that you continue to share each days joy, sorrow, pain, anger and delight. You are a precious friend and I think of Mary Grace often.

Love you and praying,
Kenzie

amanda said...

I appreciate your post, and your courage to write/vent about the anger you feel.

I don't think you have discouraged anyone at all with the expression of your anger-you have encouraged maybe more than you know.

I think some people who are in the midst of a loss, or have suffered a loss are afraid to be angry because they have been judged for the anger they feel, or think it's not ok to be angry with God, and as you described letting it build up inside for these reasons, and for the reasons you mentioned-sometimes it isn't the opportune time to be angry-the space isn't there for it.

Journaling/writing either on a blog, or in a spiral notebook provides a place with space and time to vent those pent up emotions and proccess them, and it is therapuetic as you said truths flood your soul.

I think you have helped people who are going through/have been through losses such as yours, and other losses as well by acknowledging rather than discounting what is real, and that it is impossible to compare losses even with the same/similar losses.

I just appreciate your post so much because of the losses I have suffered/been through. That it's ok to be angry, God still loves us even when we are covered in anger, and we can be angry and still glorify God, which all of these at one time I was afraid of out of my own fear, and the judgments of others when I had the courage to express some anger that I shouldn't be angry for some of these reasons and other reasons as well.

You've shown how unwavering/faithful God is-that he's there for us even in our anger.

God bless you.

I will be praying for the losses, the anger, and the anguish you so rightfully feel.

Kirsten said...

Thank you for being so honest and real about your anger. I don't feel so alone when I read the thoughts, feelings and experiences of women who understand the pain of losing a child. I'm still trying to comprehend it all; it will be 1 month on Monday since we lost our baby girl.

I'm so grateful for the many women that I've found through Blogger that are such a comfort. I'm learning how to walk this road by reading the about your journey. You have been a blessing!

Kirsten
www.blooming-faith.blogspot.com

redbyrd said...

thanks for being another mommy who wears her hurting heart on her sleeve while trying to balance the task to Praise God and mourn her little girl at the same time...i am there, i get it, i understand and echo all your ups and downs and fears of wanting to hide your "ugly heart with anger" somedays as to protect others from it...but what freedom and healing comes with honesty and letting go and many others are ironically encouraged by it instead...i applaud your honesty and pray for your healing journey as well....keep bringing it, many of us here recognize every tear and bitter cry and echo your heart and will ride this rollercoaster with you proudly!