Friday, May 30, 2008

What a day that will be.....

I am writing today but let me warn you, my brain is pretty much mush. It’s filled with so much stuff that I do not know where to begin and do not know how it will end. I am overwhelmed with my “to do” list, the piles that lay before me from paperwork to laundry, the endless piles of papers that come home from school (to keep or not to keep so they all just lay there), the things I need to get accomplished and off of my plate but I just can’t seem to move forward with any of it. Yesterday I bought two bags of groceries and walked past them a hundred times and just couldn’t put them away (besides the stuff that HAD to go in the refrigerator). I mean really, it was grapes, some broccoli, bread and apples and I seriously could not put it away. How can that weigh on a person? I mean it’s a few groceries for goodness sakes, not finding a cure for cancer or solving global warming. So is this depression, the feeling of hopelessness at times when you can’t even do a simple thing? I think that’s why when I get dinner on the table 5 out of 7 nights I feel like I should get an award for such an accomplishment, who cares if it’s spaghetti or "just add water" pancakes (with calcium at least).

I have been trying to limit my computer time as it was starting to get out of control. I was spending hours here and when it’s the first place Kailey or Allison look for me, I thought that was a sign. But it is a place where I do not feel so alone. I now just try to check to see how everyone is doing (2 to 3 a day). I have to say there have been some really exciting things happening with my friends, miracles and displays of God’s grace and power, but it has also been a tough few weeks of adding to my prayer list and feeling discouraged that so many people’s lives are changing due to similar circumstances to mine. Whether it be difficulties in raising a special needs child, death before birth, death after birth or SIDS…it’s just crazy. I sometimes feel that it may be best for me right now if I just stayed away from the computer all together so the reality of this life will not bring me down further, but there’s just no way. There is no way I can be comfortable knowing that God is specifically putting people in my life for me to pray for, people who need and covet our prayers. I can’t ignore it, I can’t walk away from it…who am I to think that it’s okay to just safely get through this life with as little grief as possible. I look around me and am reminded all that I am blessed with, my home, clothes on my back, a beautiful family, my stomach has never felt TRUE hunger, the bills are paid. Yes I have lost one of the most precious gifts that has ever been given to me and I would trade all of the stuff to have Mary Grace back, but I will not be separated from her forever (this world is not our home, we’re just a passin’ through). Because of what Jesus did for me, I have the promise of having it ALL for eternity, not just this brief moment in time. If given the choice I choose eternity not this ole’ world.

Well today was my last day of my 4-week boot camp. I decided to jump in a have something kick my butt and I finished it. Let me tell you that there was hardly a day that went by that I would not get back into my car, with not a dry thread on my body, and not have a break down on the way home. I was pretty much ticked the whole time, especially when I would wear the wrong shorts and my inner thighs would remind me during the whole run! I mean first I thought….am I actually paying for this, for someone to kick my butt like this? Second I was mad the whole time trying to lose baby weight with no baby to show for it. I would get in my car and think, I should have a baby to rush home to breast-feed. I mean with my other two, when I had to lose the weight it was okay, a slow process and I remember going to the gym in between the three hour feedings and needing to get back home to feed my sweet girls. Now I am coming home to pictures of my sweet girl, the house empty of her. Oh it’s just so hard, it just stinks. But….today on my last day I was having to talk myself into staying and not leaving early pretty much the whole time and on that last run I had the most overwhelming beautiful thought of….. “Mary Grace you are worth all of this”. And I kid you not, when I got into my car, started it up, Chris Tomlin was singing “my chains are gone, I’ve been set free” (the girls call it Mary and Poppy Joy’s song). So…..I lost it again, but this time with tears of joy. And at the end of that song he sings “you are forever mine” I sang it to Mary Grace, because death and passing from this world, does not change the fact that she is forever mine and I will see her some sweet day. “And what a day that will be, when my Jesus I shall see, and I look upon His face the one who saved me by His Grace. And when He takes me by the hand and leads me to the promise land, what a day …glorious day that will be".

Please pray specifically right now for my cousin/best friend Tracy’s family. She lost her Grandfather this week and he is walking in perfection with Mary Grace right now.

Pray also for Greg, Nicol and Summer Sponberg as they deal with the loss of their baby boy Luke due to SIDS. This is Angie’s family who recently lost Audrey Caroline and now have to bury another baby in the family, it’s unfathomable. http://audreycaroline.blogspot.com

Romans 8:38-39 “For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God, that is Christ Jesus our Lord”.

12 comments:

The VW's said...

You are not alone! I have had days when just putting away the groceries seemed like too much! I also relate with you about how do we deal with all the suffering we read about on other blog sites. It is so hard not being able to help so many who are suffering, you included! Life can be so fragile and it can really wear a person down if you think about it too much! In those moments of not being able to even put our groceries away, I guess we need to just give it ALL to God and know that we may not be able to give or find the peace needed, but He can! You are obviously a very sensitive and caring person, which only makes dealing with life's suffering harder. But, you are also going to be used by Him because you are who you are! All that you have had to go through and all that you see others going through is making you be the person God intends for you to be. And, I see someone very wonderful! Hang in there and know that I'll be praying for you!

Debra said...

I have no words--only friendship and lots of prayers. I pray for you, Chris and your 3 girls daily. We love you!!

Debra

Anonymous said...

I pray for you every day. I am always here for you.

Love,
Christy

Kenzie said...

Kim-

Love you girl and I am SO looking forward to tomorrow. I have had days like that lately too... I can't seem to manage simple things. Sometimes I wonder if I'm just being lazy but I realize that there is just so much weighing on my mind. It's good and the Lord understands... really, He does : )

Praying for you so much!
Kenzie

Mandy said...

I understand how you are feeling. I think I am doing pretty good some days just to dress and take care of the boys. Just know that you are not alone. There are too many of us to count and it all seems just so unfair. I am praying for you.

Mandy
GA
www.madelinegracefoundation.com
Pray for us as we host the Miles for Madeline 5K on Madeline's first birthday, June 7th.
Check out our slideshow on the foundation website and thank you for your prayers.

Corie said...

I have been reading your blog for the last couple of months. I lost my son in January and seem to have found so many blogs that I find encouraging. So many emotions that are the same. While I was talking to a friend here in Colorado, she mentioned that she had been praying for another family that was going through a "similar" situation. Carrying a baby to term, after a "incompatiable" diagnosis. Come to find out it was you. I don't know you at all, put have been praying for your baby and your family. My friend does not know you either, but heard of your story from a friend they have in their small group here in Denver. I know this probably sounds so crazy but hopefully not to much. I was just amazed at how Gods body seems so large and yet how we would have seen you, it amazed me. Anyway I wanted to comment and share. Todays just seemed a perfect time. Daily tasks seem to be so big sometimes and the computer takes you away to another world. Sometimes the blogs are so comforting because they seem so similiar and at times it makes me so sad to get a glimpse of so much suffering. Thank you for sharing.

Laurie in Ca. said...

I check in every day on you Kim, and pray that you are doing the best that you can. I love your post, so honest and a glimpse into your life as it is right now. I spend too much time on the computer too, but each time I hear of another heartbreak, I can't turn away. It just grips my heart and I add to my prayer list. Too much pain going on right now, coming wave after wave. I am so glad you were blessed with Mary and Poppy's song today. She IS forever yours and will always be just a breath away in your heart. I am so sorry that this is so hard and I will continue to pray for you and your sweet family.

Always in my thoughts, Laurie in Ca.

Just Me said...

Just want to let you know you continue to be in my thoughts and prayers. Sometimes I am overwhelmed by the sadness and loss in the work that I do, and then I spend my "spare time" reading "sad stories" on the computer. However, I have learned from each and every grieving person I have "met" so I don't really have any regrets, especially because I know God places certain people in my path for a reason. Thank you for sharing your thoughts, your struggles, your journey.

Take care,
Amanda

Cathy said...

What am amazing read! Thank you for sharing with your whole heart. Covering you with prayer and praying that you will find stength, peace and comfort. Even though Annabel is here (3yrs) some days I feel how much longer can I go on. I want to kick myself and say just shut myself up. But we are human. Thank you for you humaness! Cathy & Annabel

Angie said...

Kim,

The weight of the world is just too much! I know what you mean about becoming immersed in what is going on with everyone else that it can become overwhelming. Only God can handle it all, and all we can do is lift up our hearts and hurts to him. I love how He gave you encouragement through the song just when you needed it. I'm praying for you just as I know you are for me!!

Love, Angie

Kirsten said...

Kim,

You are amazing!! I want to give you a certificate for bringing the groceries into the house! I've left them in the car because I didn't have the energy to bring them in. Then there was the time I completely forgot them in the car for 2 hours. I can relate.

Sometimes it is so hard to function. I don't know how you were able to do Boot Camp - you are incredible! There have been so many days when I didn't want to even get out of bed (even if I had to use the bathroom). The thought of doing an exercise program like Boot Camp blows me away. You are doing such a good job - grief is hard work.

I too find myself almost addicted to the blogs. They provide so much comfort and encouragement but they also expose me to more pain than I've heard in my life. I read them every day and love to see new posts. I haven't posted on mine in the last week because I was so overwhelmed by everything I had read. Finally I got a boost of energy to post today.

My motivation comes and goes and I'm learning to borrow strength from friends until I'm strong enough on my own. You all are God's hands and feet for me through the blogs.

I don't understand the loss we have experienced or why there is so much. I don't think my grieving mind can handle it right now so I think my mind shuts down when it gets to be too much. And that is OK with me.

Give yourself a break when you need to. You are carrying such a heavy load and it sounds to me like you are in the right place even though it doesn't feel very good. I'll keep praying for you.

My brain is mush right now too, so I hope this comment makes sense.

God bless you,
Kirsten

Emily said...

I'm right there with you, sweet friend. Right there.