I am torn to post this letter on Mary Grace's blog page because it's to her new brother or sister. The whole fairness thing messes with me. But as I think about it, I realize this isn't MY blog page, this is Mary Grace's story and GOD's blog page. This is a testament of His blessings on this family through the gift of Mary Grace. This new baby is a part of her story, he/she is God's gift to me, to our family which includes sweet Mary Grace. I know some people have shut the blog page to their baby down and created a new one for the family because of how it feels, and that may be something I do sometime in the future because of how it feels, but for now....this is a part of Mary's story.....a part of our lives so we will deal with the other stuff as in comes.
This is just a letter I wrote while not being able to sleep. This is a letter that I some day want this baby to read and to understand, if that's even possible working on no sleep. I am sure there will be more letters as I struggle with my emotions of being elated for this new precious baby and being so sad that it's not Mary Grace who I get to bring home with me in a week. It's a burden that I hate to admit and "write" out loud but it's just truth. This baby isn't Mary Grace and that is not really what I want....because she was (is) perfect, her timing here was perfect, everything she brought to me and our family continues to prove to be perfect, God's plan is perfect...I know that and my faith helps me realize that when I doubt it. But, there is the struggle and I will continually seek God to help me through it. So sorry Satan, you will not have any of this...any of Mary Grace's life, you will not have any part of what she brought to us and continues to bring to us. My sadness is NOT your victory, my struggle is NOT your gain, it is something that me and my Heavenly Father will work on together and conquer some day for sure!! A sweet friend named Karen (mother to one of Mary Grace's heavenly buddies) helped me to realize that one night in an Atlanta hotel while she and I were weeping together. I will continue to fight you Satan on a regular basis, so back off!! You will not ever win! Jesus won this victory and battle for me! It's already done.
"Oh victory in Jesus my Savior forever...He sought me and bought me with His redeeming love. He loved me ere I knew Him and all my love is due Him, He plunged me to victory beneath the cleansing flood."
To my sweet baby,
Dear Baby Summons,
Boy or girl, I am not sure what you are…but I know that you are my precious little 4th baby. I know that I love you with all my heart and can’t wait to have you in my arms. I feel like right now I will never put you down. I have been waking up and having trouble going back to sleep for a while now, but it’s getting worse. This morning it was 2:30 a.m. and I laid there until 4:30 when I couldn't mentally take it anymore.
I feel guilty that I have complained about how I feel this pregnancy. I feel bad that I am wishing it away, especially since you will be the last little miracle in my belly. Even with your big sister Mary Grace’s pregnancy, I didn’t wish it away – I wanted her to be in my belly forever due to the fear of knowing that when she wasn’t in there we would probably be giving her back to God shortly after she entered the world. But…I am older, I have been pregnant for two straight years and am entirely too overweight, thanks to my emotional eating! I have struggled and I don’t feel great and I am ready for the pregnancy to be over (which makes me sad) but I want you to know that I love you so much already and I have treasured every kick and nudge and hiccup that you have had while in my belly.
You see, your big sister Mary Grace is with Jesus now. And although I know she is the one in this family who is in the best place ever, I want her here with us. I want her to be waiting here in the house to see you when you come home. I want to see her face beside your other two sister’s faces smiling and laughing at you. That makes me sad to not be able to have that, it makes me sad to not even know what her face would look like right now actually. I try to imagine what her one-year picture would look like hanging on my wall and it can break my heart. It worries me that the thoughts that I have of her will affect me being the Mommy I should be for you. I have prayed so hard that God would just help me to be all that He intended me to be for you, Kailey, Allison and even Mary Grace really as I will always be her mommy no matter where she is. But…..the fear starts creeping in which is how Satan works. He tries to steal the joy, he tries to creep into Mommy’s heart and remind me of what I do not have so that I do not focus on everything that God has blessed me with. So Mommy struggles. But God has promised me that if I give it all to Him EVERY time I need to, He will sustain me. He will carry me when I feel I can’t walk. He will wipe my tears of sadness and replace them with tears of joy. And when I do walk…He will be there beside me just in case every step of the way. That's our God sweet baby, that's how wonderful our Savior is. God has given you to me and I could never praise Him enough.
I also want you to know that you are not here because your sister didn’t get to stay with us. I have also wondered if you would ever feel that way. God knew of your existence before he even spoke our world into existence and He knew that He would bless ME with you. He knew who your Mommy would be and He planned on you being in this family, oh how happy that makes me! I will just continue to pray He made the right decision for you:)
I hope by the time you are able to read this letter, you will understand the sadness that may seem to be a part of it. But I also hope you realize that as I sit here typing this letter, I feel you kicking and I feel my heart melt for you. I feel overwhelmed right now that you are mine and that I will within a week be able to hold you in my arms and whisper in your ear how very much I love you, how very much you mean to me and that I will do my best to give you everything that God plans for you. You are my precious little baby and I will love and cherish you forever.
Ps. 30:5b “Weeping may last for the night, But a shout of joy comes in the morning”
