Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Right Now

I cannot sit here at the computer and hear my two girls outside swinging and laughing and not be thankful for what God has blessed me with. I walk through my house and am still amazed at what a wonderful home God has blessed us with – a dream home that I never imagined we would, could or should have. That brings me to the thought of my amazing husband and what a good husband, Father and provider for this family he is and how God brought Chris specifically to me. And in this moment I am happy and am thankful and I feel blessed. I at least have this, where so many do not and it reminds me to be joyful in what I have right now.

But my heavenly Father knows that this is not something I feel all the time. That more and more lately as I get further along in my pregnancy, I feel oppressed and grief stricken with the diagnosis my sweet Mary Grace has been given.

I always feel sad for a few days when I come home from Kentucky but this time my heart is way more heavy. I hate to think that the next time I would be there would possibly be to bury our sweet Mary Grace. On Monday we had to meet with the funeral home to make some arrangements and it was the most surreal thing ever. I still feel numb from it and still feel like it was not me sitting in that chair looking at caskets and talking about the details of this. Then we had to go to the cemetery to look at the plot closest to my Grandma. When I went in the office I told the lady that I could not purchase anything – I felt like I was giving up on Mary if I did that. I can not give up on Mary! It was an awful day to say the least. But I think we feel numb and depressed at times to actually protect us from real feelings.

When we got home from KY yesterday we had a Dr. appointment, sono and first meeting with the Neonatal specialist. The ultrasound was so good, Mary looks good – 2 ½ lbs, good heart rate, 4 chambers look good, her movement is good, she looked so sweet and I left the room and said to Chris, how can she look so perfect and be so perfect – it’s hard to imagine anything wrong with her?? And for a few minutes I felt maybe we could be the .01% - I mean I am one in 3,000 right??! Then we met with the Dr. and we are reminded of the truth of our situation. We are reminded of what we have to prepare for and it is overwhelming.

We had a wonderful week in Kentucky and had a very nice Thanksgiving with our family. However, on Thanksgiving morning I woke up in a funk. I tried to fake it with staying busy cooking but I didn’t feel thankful at all – I felt mad. This is the one time of year that I get to see all my family and that it should be a joyful occasion. We should all be celebrating the fact that I am pregnant with my 3rd daughter. But I couldn’t find the joy or any reason to celebrate. So….I cooked and snapped at Mom, Dad and Chris a few times (Dad maybe more) which made me feel worse but at least I wasn’t sad, just mad which to me is at least a relief from sadness!!

Thanksgiving has always been my favorite time of year. You have more time off of work to be with family and the stress that Christmas can bring (buying, crowds, money, gift giving etc) is not there. You are just thankful and with family. One of our favorite traditions is to sit around the room and all my family, cousins and friends (about 35 of us) tell what they are thankful for. Well, when I woke up I told myself all day that I was going to skip myself this year – I wasn’t going to give God any credit for anything! And as I started to listen to my wonderful Christian family one by one tell the things they are thankful for – I grew anxious, almost breathless, my heart started racing and when it was my turn I couldn’t be passed up – I couldn’t not share how truly thankful I am for EVERYTHING that God has given me. God has given me life, God has given me hope, God has given me salvation and the promise of heaven for all my loved ones and me if we just believe!! It’s free – we do not have to earn it with anything about ourselves (Thank God). I know God doesn’t expect me to like what this fallen world has done to us. He doesn’t expect me to rejoice in the fact that Mary has Trisomy 18. But he does expect my obedience. So… I will trust him, I will love him and I will thank him for everything, especially his faithfulness!
Please especially pray for Poppy Joy – I ask specifically that her head size (fluid) decrease so that Angie can have a normal c-section. They have an appointment tomorrow.
Thank you to my wonderful family and friends for your support, love and care in the most difficult time of our lives. We love you.
Kim

8 comments:

Anonymous said...

Thank you for this post. I feel like such a spoiled brat when I am upset or not being very thankful, and I hear you being so thankful for so much. We are so blessed to know God, and to have Him to get us through the hard times. I am praying for you and your family and of course little Mary.

So Blessed said...

What a beautiful post...a true testimony. It is precious that even in your time of trial you give thanks to the One who is the giver of every good and perfect gift. I do not know you personally, but I do pray for you and your family...and I will continue to do so as you await your baby's birth.

Trish said...

Kim,
We love ya girl. I admire your honetsy in your journal entries. I hope this can be healing for you as well and a chance to be still and aware of how you feel. You are such a strong person. Love to you and your incredible family with the best blue eyes in Texas!
trish

Angie said...

Kim,

So much of this journey is so painful. As I heard you describe the moments you've gone through just in the past week, I hurt along with you. It is indeed a road that no one would ever choose to travel. But I am so glad that even in the midst of it you recognize God's hand-even when you feel upset and angry! What a testimony to true faith. Thank you for sharing. Thank you also for your prayers for Poppy.

Love, Angie

Kenzie said...

Kim-

Thank you so much for sharing... it's the honesty and the faith, both hand in hand ,that pull each of us through. We are praying for sweet Mary Grace and I'm so happy that on ultrasound things looked well with her.

Love and prayers,
Kenzie Stanfield

Laurie in Ca. said...

Hi Kim,

Just stopping by today to check in on you and let you know I am praying for you and all the girls who have gone before you on this painful road, those of you who walk it now, and for Mary Grace too. I was glad to read that you were able to be yourself on Thanksgiving with your mom, dad, and Chris. Three people close to your heart safe enough to snap at and no offense be taken. Being mad and snappy is just the outward evidence of the pain that is inside. You are in my heart and I will continue lifting you up in prayer to the One who holds you close. Praying for sweet Poppy Joy also as her birthday draws near. As the birth of my second grandchild is due to come at any minute today or tomorrow, I am excited and grateful, with a huge burden on my heart to pray for all of you girls carrying these special and precious babies, who are fearfully and wonderfully made by the Author of Perfection. God does not make mistakes and works everything for good in His time. Peace and joy to you today in prayer that nothing can steal your joy.

Laurie in Ca.

Anonymous said...

I have been lifting you and Poppy Joy up so much, I am certain you should be walking on the clouds.
Isn't Kentucky the most beautiful state?

Emily said...

You are blessed! And I'm blessed to know you were in my state. :) I hope you understand when I say I am honored that Mary Grace will rest here, too. I am praying you through and I'm just an email... or stop off the Interstate... away.