God is waiting on me.....

Well, the last two days I have actually felt human. For those of you who do not know a couple of weeks ago I came down with type B flu - took about 1 week to somewhat get over that - then after having maybe one day where I felt like I could accomplish something - I started feeling yuck again. So....last Friday morning when I woke up my body ached and I felt in the tank again - this after seeing the commercial for cymbalta saying "depression hurts, it hurts everyone, it hurts everywhere, your body aches" - well - I just knew - this is it - this is how I am going to feel the rest of my life - I pretty much had a break down thinking this is how I was going to have to live. Oh how Satan loves to defeat us! I took a bath thinking it would help me, but after getting out and realizing - nope I don't feel better - I thought - hey I am going to take my temp - 102 - and blisters in the throat triggered a thought of "hey I may be sick again". So...the Dr fit me in - I had strep throat - I actually cried in relief that maybe, just maybe it's not a life sentence of depression.

I have to say however, that I do feel "depressed", I have felt hopeless, I have felt deep deep sadness, I have felt anger, anxiety, bitterness - but I have also had glimpses of relief the last two days. It's a bitter sweet thing - sweet because it has felt nice to feel somewhat normal - but bitter because when I have some good moments I feel guilt and fear - guilt for feeling "good" without Mary Grace, fear that it's a sign that I will forget - and God knows I want her to be a part of me every moment of every day - just not the sadness part. I want to start living what I KNOW to be truth - truth that Mary Grace was a miracle, our specific prayers were answered, we got to meet her, look into her eyes. I want to rejoice in all the ways Mary Grace touched our lives, touched every one's life - how she has impacted this world in a greater way than most do who live a lifetime. She is my third daughter and will always be with me. You know what we want most as parents is for our children to accept Jesus and be in Heaven for eternity. I want to rejoice in the fact that Mary Grace is there - it's accomplished - that worry is done, taken care of - she is with Jesus in paradise - free of this world and the junk it has to offer, she is waiting on me and I will see her again. It's Kailey and Allison I should be crying for - for all they will have to endure of this world - even at it's best - the heartache, the sin, Satan and his tricks and traps....oh Jesus, help me to raise them in You and keep them in your sights, keep them safe and let us be together forever with You in paradise one day. Help me to not lose any time with them because Satan is trying to steel my joy, help me to be the Mommy you planned for me to be, help me to be the Mommy that Kailey, Allison and Mary Grace deserves. Help me to be the wife Chris deserves. He me to bring You the glory that You so deserve. Oh God I want that, but I need you to accomplish it in me, I can not do it without You holding me tight right now.

I have started reading the one year book of hope - and the Author Nancy Guthrie lost two of her babies to a birth defect shortly after birth. She has felt a lot of the things that I have felt. One thing specifically that stood out is that I have felt guilty because I think my grief is more about ME than about Mary Grace. I know this to be true because Mary Grace is in Heaven - my goodness she is "where it's at!". I have just been feeling sorry for myself, feeling sadness for my loss, thinking about what I feel, what I fear, the disappointment that swallows me. Also, I expressed to a friend today that I feel like there has been so many things in my life that I have prayed about, some things I have prayed so hard about, some things I have prayed about for so long.....and it seems that God isn't answering any of my prayers. I hate saying that out loud because I KNOW how the Lord has blessed me and I KNOW the blessings that are in my life, but I also feel like He can do anything - He could answer these requests for goodness sakes - He could have healed Mary Grace......why pray about things - He is going to do what He wants to do anyway. Is He even there? Is He even listening? Why doesn't He show himself? Why doesn't He speak to me? Am I being punished for my sin? Then I am reminded of the Truth. The Truth that sets me free....... For instance Mary, Martha and Lazarus. Mary and Martha sent a desperate message to Jesus about their brother Lazarus, that he was sick and to please come heal him - "Lord the one You love is sick". And Jesus loved Lazarus - just like he loves ME - all of us! But.....Lazarus died - Mary and Martha was so confused - they must have felt like Jesus just ignored them, didn't care, why wouldn't he just come and heal him?! But Jesus had a greater purpose, he knew in order for God to be glorified that it must happen the way it did - days had to pass before he went back to bring Lazarus back from the dead. Jesus was teaching Mary and Martha and his disciples to TRUST him - to rely only on Him. And when we don't understand why......we have to TRUST him. God reassured the apostle Paul when he went through great suffering that "My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness". Oh Jesus - I believe, help me with my unbelief.

And one of my very favorite reminders is in the book of Daniel. Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego -three Hebrew teens who were captured, stripped of their names and manhood and made to be slaves to an emperor who was very cruel. They must have prayed over and over for relief, for freedom and no help came. They must have asked - "God can you hear us, are you there?" And then when King Nebuchadnezzar built a golden statue and told the three Hebrews to bow down and worship it, they refused - even when the King told them they would be thrown into a fiery furnace and killed. They told him "If you throw us into the blazing furnace the God we serve is able to save us from it, and he will rescue us from your hand, oh King. But even if he does not, we want you to know, O King, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up". And God did rescue them, he was in the fire with them, they came out without even a smell of smoke!! Now...if God had rescued them when they wanted to be rescued and answered their prayers in their time, would He have been glorified in such a miraculous way? I have to keep reminding myself of these things. Can you imagine being told you were going to be thrown into a furnace if you didn't bow down and worship another god and having their response - our God is able, but even if he doesn't!? Oh how I want to be like that - how I want to say - Lord you may not answer my prayers like I want them to be answered and this life may not be how I want it or planned it, and even if you never answer another prayer..... I know you love me and because you sent your only Son Jesus to die for me, I will be with you forever in Heaven - I will be with Mary Grace forever! God help me to surrender ALL!! And Satan, you might as well quit - no matter what you throw at me or my family, you will not win, I am saved and I am secure and my God is bigger than you and BTW - you are already defeated!!

You know, I have said before I am having a hard time reading the bible, praying for anything other than for others......and that really hasn't changed, but I know God knows how I feel. God heals the brokenhearted, he is holding me in the palm of his hand - this I know for sure because I wouldn't be able to get out of bed otherwise. God is waiting on me, and I am digging my way out of this hole, Lord I am coming - I know you are there...........I know you will not leave me.....I know your plans for me and my family are great, far greater that I can even imagine........I am hoping, I am trusting and I am relying on you. And I know You NEVER fail...............