Longing for Mary Grace

It's been 73 days since Mary Grace entered and left this world. I want to say I miss her but I didn't have her here on this earth with me long enough to know what I am missing, except for what I can imagine of her. So...the only way I know how to describe it is I long for her, I deeply long for her, and only her - only Mary Grace could fill this void. The emptiness that I feel for her is a lot of times overwhelming. I start to get the feeling of longing and I get anxious, like I do not know what to do with myself. I think one of the things that has been most difficult is the fact that I can not go to Mary's grave since she is in Kentucky. I want to sit by where she is and talk with her, cry for her, and although I realize I can do that anywhere, anytime - it's just different. It's a very helpless feeling but when I actually make the effort to ask my Lord to sustain me, he does, every time. I am not quite sure why I do not automatically ask Him but I don't. Maybe I still feel abandoned by Him although I know that's not true, it's just not true. Maybe I still want to solve this and get through it on my own, even though I KNOW it's not possible, and I know that "all things are possible with Christ who strengthens me". So why do we, especially as Christians fight it within ourselves so much, why do we fight the fact that Jesus can and will rescue us? Why do we seek other things...call a friend, talk to our Mom, eat those chocolate eggs, turn on the TV, look at a gossip magazines, get on the computer......all these things to run from the very one who wants to embrace us, the very one who died on the cross to SAVE us? Ps. 55:22 "Cast your burden upon the Lord and He will sustain you; He will never allow the righteous to be shaken".

Oh Jesus, hear my cry and help me. Help me to wake up every day and think of you first, help me to remember in my deepest hurting moments that YOU are my answer, You are my refuge, You sustain, You save, You deliver and You are the One who loves me unconditionally the most. Help me to gain everything I can and that all you intended for me from Mary Grace's life so that You and only You will be glorified through me. Help me to feel and be deserving of the beautiful honor of being Mary Grace's Mother, I do not want to waste any of it. Help me to help others, help me to help myself, help me to be the wife, Mother, daughter, sister and friend that you intended me to be. Help me Lord...hear my cry. Ps. 107:13-14 "Then they cried to the Lord in their trouble, and he saved them from their distress. He brought them out of darkness and the deepest gloom and broke away their chains."

I have been blessed with the most amazing friends a girl could have. I mentioned earlier that not having Mary Grace here is very difficult although I know she is in the right place by being buried in Kentucky. My friends here in Texas went together, bought and planted the most beautiful Crepe Myrtle tree (the blooms will be pink! pictures to come). We picked a spot up by the swing set where my other two girls play all of the time -it's a spot that I can see from any where in my house and back porch. I want you to know that when the tree was in the truck I didn't notice blooms or buds on the tree nor did the person looking at it with me point any out........and as soon as it was in the ground, watered and finished we noticed buds popping up - it seemed miraculous to me but I couldn't speak of it at the time without losing it. I plan on putting a garden around it and have had another group of friends say they are donating another tree to us in Mary's honor to put in the garden. I will have a place for Mary here. I can not tell you how much this means to me friends and how thankful we are. There are no words.

I also want to ask that all of you pray for someone who has recently contacted me via e-mail who recently found out her precious baby girl Faith has Trisomy 18, Ashley is 29 weeks pregnant. Oh how it breaks my heart but we know God will be glorified through yet another miracle baby. Pray for this mommy and family (Faith has 2 sisters), pray for Faith and that God will do great works in and through her. Here is her information, please lift this family up and encourage them.... www.caringbridge.org/visit/faithwebb BTW she gave me permission to share.

Thank you all for your continued prayers and support. God has blessed our family so much by using you and I hope you know how much you all mean.