Just another manic Sunday

I come to you with a heavy heart tonight. Today has been a really hard day and I have had several good cries. I was by myself in church today (Chris is traveling) and I pretty much cried the whole song service. I didn't have a Kleenex and I must have looked pretty nuts to everyone around me. Normally I will cry during the songs but not during the message. But today it seems like almost everything our Pastor said triggered tears. When he ended the sermon he sang "on Christ the solid rock I stand, all other ground is sinking sand, all other ground is sinking sand" with tears in his eyes. Wow, did that get me going, those old hymns are so incredible, I just love them.

Everything feels so conflicting. I can feel pretty "normal" one second and totally lost the next. When someone asks how are you doing and I say "okay or pretty good" I am not sure what those words even mean. I can be reading scripture about Hope and know that God's word is truth, but after reading it I can still feel so hopeless. I can be praying but not feel anything. It's just such an empty feeling. I can feel so cheated and mad, but then look at Chris, Kailey, Allison and pictures of Mary Grace and feel so very blessed.
I am not sure that just after several days of putting on my "game face" I just break down from being exhausted from it all. Not that I am trying to or that I purposely "fake" it, I just have never been the type to be "woe is me" in front of people, even some of my closest friends, even a lot of times with Chris. I am not sure if that's good or bad or what the right way to be is....but it is what it is.
It's just tough - plain and simple. I have to just tell you, I want Mary Grace, I want to hold her, kiss her, look at her for hours, I want to whisper in her ear to tell her how much I love her and how beautiful she is, I want bury my face in her neck, I want to kiss her sweet feet, I want to sing her some hymns while I rock her in the chair that I rock my other two in, I want to watch her sisters argue over who gets to hold her next, I want to buy her first Easter dress and get her picture taken, I want to give her a bath and rub Baby Magic lotion on her just to smell her. Oh my arms ache for her, my heart breaks for her, my sweet Mary Grace. It's just that simple..........

Ps. 55:2 - Hear me and answer me. My thoughts trouble me and I am distraught.

So I came to the computer to cry out, to get it all out, to tell you about ME and how much I am hurting and how mad I am and how heavy my heart is (ME ME ME again!) and when I sat down I decided to check in on others first. And well, I am reminded that this world and this hurt and this trial is not about ME - guess I need to read the book I purchased a while back (it's not about me!). It's about something much bigger. Something I will never fully understand. But...in my hurt and despair, I somehow find God, I find that I need Him deeply. I find that this is about reaching out to others, it's about connecting with others and sharing and loving and growing. It's about knowing that Mary Grace has connected me to some very amazing people, some awesome miracles and stories of others that I would not know without her. That she has taken me to a better, more "desperate for God" prayer life (very desperate). It's about being prayerful for others, it's about trying to find a way to glorify God in all of this. It's about so much.
So....while I know I have a right to be hurting, I know I have a right to feel sorry for myself, I know I have a right to pull the blanket over my head and not come out for a while and I know I have a right to feel cheated (and I do and I will)...... I want more from this. I want all that Mary Grace was meant to bring me. I want her purpose to be fulfilled in me, I want to "get IT". I want it desperately and if I don't get it for a while, I know I will get it eventually. I will just keep on keepin' on. In the good and the bad times, I will seek His face.

So..speaking of being prayerful for others. I have some pretty big requests.

First, tomorrow or today for that matter (March 17th) my friend Chrissy will be meeting her precious miracle Eva Janette. Eva has been diagnosed with t-18. Chrissy is the last of our group that has met via the blogs to give birth. She has had to endure all of our stories and losses and still find a way to enjoy her pregnancy with Eva. Please pray for her, for Eva, for Vinny her Husband and for her other two children Mya and Dominic. Pray for lots of time together and that all their prayers will be answered. Oh how my heart hurts right now and how anxious I feel for them. The entire of day of Jan. 14 (Mary Grace's birthday) plays back in my mind as I think of this precious family. May God grant them their heart's desires. Check on them via their blog:
www.evajanette.blogspot.com/

Pray also for the family of Joshua Mathew Sams. Joshua passed away after having 67 days with his family. He was born with a neural tube defect. The Doctors said he would pass away soon after birth but praise God the family has had some wonderful time with him!! Please pray for Mommy Susie, Daddy Matt and Sister Oceana. They have many needs but mostly pray for healing that only can come from God. Let them know you are praying for them : http://www.mnssams.blogspot.com/

This family I have never heard of until tonight after reading a friend's blog. Molly Brown suddenly passed away at 19 months old - she had Trisomy 18. What a miracle this sweet girl is but her death was sudden and unexpected. Oh to be given so much time and then to have to let her go. Please pray pray pray for this sweet family. Let them know.....:
www.caringbridge.org/visit/mollybrown

Thank you for your prayers for these families. Thank you for your continued prayers for me and my family. I appreciate my family and friends and even strangers more than you could ever know!

Ps. 9:9 The Lord will be a stronghold for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble. And those who know Thy name will put their trust in Thee.