Mother of three?

One of my “hang-ups” for lack of a better term, when losing Mary Grace was the fact that I have physically given birth to three babies and only have 2 with me. I have had 5 pregnancies and only have 2 babies with me. It’s hard to take and I know I have posted before about what an empty feeling it is and all the sadness that comes with it. How sad it is to know that I should be taking care of a baby right now, feeding her, waking up with her and getting frustrated that she may not be sleeping through the night yet:). Yes there is much sadness in this but I have to tell you that I wouldn’t trade the sadness for the joy I feel in my heart. I often catch myself wondering, “am I a mother of three REALLY?” When someone asks how many children I have and I have answered “two” because it’s easier……and I walk away with that pit in my stomach that I didn’t say three, it’s tough. When I have had the panic attacks and have fled to the bathroom to see Mary’s scar just to insure she really happened, it hurts. But I know, thank God, that I am truly a mother of three. Praise Jesus.

I have really had a peace about this lately. I have had an air about me and my head is held high that yes…I am a mother of three. I have three baby girls, two are with me and one is with her heavenly Father. I do not see her physically around me, but there is no doubt that she is in my heart, she is real, I feel her…and that sweet girl brings me joy. Would I choose to have her with me? Yes…..but I trust God in this…it’s not always easy, but I do.

I sometimes sing to myself (and out loud in the car when nobody is with me) “since Mary came into my heart, since Mary came into my heart, floods of joy ore my soul like the sea billows roll…since Mary came into my heart:)”.

Today I took Kailey to chick-fil-a for a get together with her class from last year. She has a great group of little girl friends and an awesome teacher. There were two moms there with little babies, a boy 3 months old and a girl brand new. When I saw them of course my first thoughts are of Mary Grace, but it wasn’t horrible. I didn’t feel bad or sad, God is good to me in these instances. Kailey was over by the mom with the baby girl (she is drawn to babies) and she yelled across the room to me “Mom, how old would Mary Grace be?” and truly there was not a feeling of ‘oh no let’s not go here” I said proudly, “7 months” with a smile (a real one) on my face, and I watched Kailey tell the mom 7 months. She didn’t have sadness on her face, Kailey proudly talked about her sister being 7 months. It felt sweet to me, it felt okay to me and honestly I loved it. I love it when Allison will sometimes still insist on setting a place mat for Mary Grace at the dinner table. Mary is a living part of our family, she is in our hearts and she is real!

I was talking with someone about Trisomy 18 and how it is a “fluky” chromosomal thing, not age related like so many would believe. Now this is something I have said so many times……but for the first time when I said “fluky” I didn’t like it, it felt horrible to me. So I back paddled and said but you know, Mary Grace was not a fluky thing, she was exactly perfect for us. I feel so proud of my third little girl and all that she has accomplished not only on this earth, but also in me. She has changed me and even with all the sadness and all the hard days, I love what Mary Grace has brought to me, the changes I feel in my heart. Again I would not trade one second of Mary Grace for anything.

We talked about faithfulness in our bible study this week. We talked about all the people that had faith in God and a lot of them didn’t even get to see what God accomplished through their life long suffering, they just obeyed Him and trusted Him. Now they are reaping the benefits of Heaven, an eternal reward. It was another reminder of all that I do have, all the good that God has given me and yes, I don’t like the fact that Mary died one bit, but God gave her to me, she is mine…how can there not be joy in that? How can I not feel blessed even if only to have her for 7 hours in my arms? How can I not praise Him every day of my life for such a gift?! I told my friends one night that I am the lucky one, the blessed one and I am so thankful that God chose me to be Mary’s mom, I am so thankful that He gave her to me.

When I meet a new mom that has had to endure or will have to endure the loss of her child, it truly breaks my heart. I can feel so discouraged by it. But when I know that Jesus is her Savior, I have a peace that she will be okay. I know that she WILL find the joy in this circumstance. I know that she WILL be blessed for her faithfulness and it comforts me!

“Suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not disappoint us, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts.” Romans 5:3-5

So….is everything perfect? No. Is everything okay? No. Are the hard and sad days behind me? No. Will there be a day when I see a baby and will not get sad or mad? Yes. Will I never again question God and what His purpose is? Absolutely NO. But…I will take it, ‘cause I am a mother of three precious sweet and perfect little girls. How sweet it is!


“The Lord will guide you always; He will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame. You will be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail.” Isaiah 58:10-12