My Old Kentucky Home

Well I am back in Texas from my trip HOME to Kentucky. Back to the piles of laundry, paperwork, bills, housework and piles and piles of REALITY. My time in Kentucky was good. I had lots of time with family and friends. I got to see everyone (minus just a few) of some of the most important people in my life. There was no schedule; no agenda just spending time with family and it was good. Mom was off for summer break and so was my Sister. I had lots of time with them and it was so nice. My Mom’s neighbor had a cat that just had kittens and some how they ended up on Mom’s back porch. The girls loved them. We had to force them to put them down some so they could nurse from their mommy. It was so neat to see that even a Cat mommy could love her kittens so much. I was able to share a cup of coffee every morning with Mom and sit on her back porch until it was too hot. We were blessed to have time with cousins that visited with us from Nashville. The girls played non-stop with their other cousins and so I barely saw them for 10 days except for when they still wanted their nightly song and prayers from Mommy. I was also able to spend some good time with my Dad, made him some hot fudge brownie sundaes and was reminded how much he really loves his family. He loves having us all together and you can tell. The thing the girls talk about the most when going to Pa and Grandma's house is that Pa will take them shopping and buy them everything they want, and he does every time which leaves me purging some old stuff when I get home. It's worth it though cause they love it. I was also blessed with some time with Emily (Miller Graces' Mommy). We met half way, an hour drive for each of us, had dinner and spent a lot of time talking with that comfort level we have with each other. I am so thankful for her.

Reality: when I said that earlier I realize it sounds pretty negative. And believe me there are times it is pretty dog gone negative. When coming back from KY I felt pretty strong. I had lots of down time without a ”to do” list to just reflect on things, reflect on the type of Mother and Wife I long to be, the type my kids and Chris deserve. How I want to be the person God wants me to be. When coming back I had in my mind, it’s a new day, a new chapter and I feel good and I am going to be different, I am not going to carry so much sadness with me, I choose to be better. Then I woke up in my bed Friday morning, not refreshed and ready to conquer the world, but defeated. The reality of being back in this house without my 3rd daughter hit hard. Where does it come from out of the blue? How can it happen so quickly and rob me of so much? How can life just go on with out her? Geez I thought I was past this! But after moping around for the past few days I realize I will never be past it. I will purposely and deliberately have to die daily, hourly, sometimes minute by minute to the desire of my flesh to give up, to let satan have his way with me, to let satan defeat me and steel the Joy I know that I have, the Joy that Mary Grace brought to me and our family. And besides, getting past “it” means getting past her. I never want to get past her and so with the grief and with the hurt comes the Joy and happiness in having one of the best things in the world, Mary Grace. So REALITY is also sweet and precious and good. With God, and only with Him, I can live this life with Mary in Heaven and still have all that God intended for me, I am His child and His plans are not to harm me but to prosper me.

Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you: Plans to give you a hope and a future.”

When I got to Kentucky Monday night the 14th, we went to Mom’s house and I went to Mary’s grave by myself. I was kind of anxious and didn’t know how I felt about the whole thing. The last 6 months I have longed to go to her grave and spend time with her and now I had the chance. I was a little nervous about the whole thing and on my drive to the cemetery I almost felt sick. I didn’t even stop to buy flowers like I originally thought I would because I just wanted to be there. When I got their I expected to still see fresh dirt, not sure why since it had been 6 months but that’s what I expected. But, there was grass like it had been there for 100 years, nothing was new and fresh but the hanging basket of flowers my dear Uncle Edgar had placed there. There was only a little grave marker with her name and date on it because her head stone was not ready in time to be placed yet (long stinky story). As I sat down in the grass beside her I just couldn’t believe that I was now one of “those” Moms who sit at their children’s grave. How could this be me? I sang to Mary Grace and then…. I started getting bit by what seemed like 1,0000 mosquitoes. I felt kind of aggravated because I just wanted to sit there and talk to her but couldn’t concentrate on what I was singing or saying because I was getting bit. I mean come on…this is what I have longed for since I was back on the plane to Texas in January. This is not what I pictured in my mind what sitting at her grave would be like. Then as the frustration seemed to build it’s like God was telling me, see Kim this is not where Mary Grace is. She is with Me and she is happy and healthy and perfect and having fun. She has been as much with you when you go to your closet and weep for her as she is with you here and now at her grave. I realized that it’s nice to be able to sit at her grave, make sure it looks nice since this is where we put her to rest, but it’s not where she is. I do not have to be here to sing to her, to talk to her, to cry or laugh with her. I have had to fight the thoughts that it is her sweet body that I held laying beneath the dirt, but I know that is from satan and that my daughter is simply not there. She is with her Creator, she is with our King and she is good. Who knew that God could use Mosquitoes?

I have never been that Christian who feels like I hear God audibly. I have desired it and wondered what He sounded like so I would know if I ever did, but I never have. I have always thought that maybe I wasn’t a good enough Christian and didn’t have the relationship with Him that I needed to in order to hear Him. But the few times lately that my mind has shut off, I have heard Him. He doesn’t really have a sound but He has spoken softly to me and it has been beautiful. I know it was Him at Mary’s grave, it has not only been His voice but His touch in my closet many times when I have been on my face with despair. It was even Mary that day in the kitchen when I was so upset and she spoke to me and told me that she was not given to me by our God to let Satan defeat me, she was not intended to bring me despair but to bring me pure Joy. And oh she has brought me such pure joy, the kind you can’t really explain when such grief comes with it, but it’s there.

Just as sure as Jesus was not there in that grave on the third day, my sweet daughter Mary Grace was not there in Stanford Kentucky underneath dirt in a tiny white casket. No… she is in Heaven with Jesus, the one who died for us and made it possible for us to be together in perfection forever. Praise Him for giving Mary Grace to me, Praise Him for giving us Jesus, Praise Him for perfecting her and holding and loving her until I get there………