Can't sleep

When I got in bed tonight, miraculously I wasn’t focusing on Mary Grace. We had watched a movie, got into bed and was talking about something not related to this pregnancy! Then…. Chris turned out the light and the thoughts immediately came rushing in. How does that happen? One minute fine, the very next a nut case. I was having a break down with all the thoughts jumping from one thing to another and I had to get out of bed for fear of keeping Chris awake and/or having to talk about my feelings that I have no idea how to explain. So…I had to come check on my friends and try to maybe write some thoughts down. Who knows where this is going to go????

There are times that I have to stop and think, is this really happening? Is this a bad dream that just seems real? Then when I actually get myself together the reality hits me that I am 32 weeks pregnant and I not preparing to raise my 3rd daughter. How do I accept this? I had a pretty productive day cleaning the house, getting laundry caught up and the thought occurred, am I nesting? Then it hits me that I had that energy today that I had with Kailey then with Allison but what is it for today? Then honestly I felt bitter, I felt bitter that my “nesting” energy is used on my every day laundry not on preparing a nursery for Mary Grace or getting her things washed with Dreft for her to wear when she comes home. What in the world is happening, how can I possibly be okay with this?

Then I think about parents who have 2, 3 and 4 year olds that have cancer, for some reason can’t walk all of the sudden and have to go through testing or have just simply lost there children tragically. And I think, Oh God please don’t ever let that happen to me/us – I know that I could not handle that – I could not give up my girls- no can’t do that, can’t handle anything major happening to them!! I had even said when I first learned that this baby could have t-18, before I knew it was a girl, before I knew her as my Mary Grace, that if it was in my life’s story to have to lose a child, then I would rather lose this one than Kailey or Allison. And just thinking those thoughts and saying those words actually makes me sick, it breaks my heart. To even have to be in a position to think that is unbearable. It makes me feel guilty in ways I can’t explain but the thought of Mary hearing me say those words or think those thoughts kill me. I want her to know that I love her, I want her, I want to keep her, I want to raise her, I want to rock her and sing to her every night like I have Kailey and Allison. I want her to wear the outfits that I have loved on Kailey and Allison, I want to have the family room junked with baby toys so I can complain about the mess all of the time, I want to lose cabinet space to her baby food and sippy cups….the list goes on and on. But…the house structure will not change, there will be no baby room for Mary, toys will stay in the toy room…things will look the same, I will even look the same eventually. But…the truth is…the house will not be the same, I will not be the same, we will not be the same because although we are still praying for a miracle, realistically we will not get to keep Mary Grace with us. And even though I would rather have had Mary Grace with us for a moment than not at all, it still breaks my heart, I still feel sad, I still feel anger and it will break my heart to give her up…..even to Jesus.

Keep praying for me please, and even though this entry may not look like it, God is carrying us and helping us through this time. I never want it to look like he is not with us because he truly is – his grace is sufficient and we do have joy in our hearts. Moral of this story don’t write at 1:20 a.m. in the midst of a break down!!