I come to you with a heavy heart tonight. Today has been a really hard day and I have had several good cries. I was by myself in church today (Chris is traveling) and I pretty much cried the whole song service. I didn't have a Kleenex and I must have looked pretty nuts to everyone around me. Normally I will cry during the songs but not during the message. But today it seems like almost everything our Pastor said triggered tears. When he ended the sermon he sang "on Christ the solid rock I stand, all other ground is sinking sand, all other ground is sinking sand" with tears in his eyes. Wow, did that get me going, those old hymns are so incredible, I just love them.
Everything feels so conflicting. I can feel pretty "normal" one second and totally lost the next. When someone asks how are you doing and I say "okay or pretty good" I am not sure what those words even mean. I can be reading scripture about Hope and know that God's word is truth, but after reading it I can still feel so hopeless. I can be praying but not feel anything. It's just such an empty feeling. I can feel so cheated and mad, but then look at Chris, Kailey, Allison and pictures of Mary Grace and feel so very blessed.
I am not sure that just after several days of putting on my "game face" I just break down from being exhausted from it all. Not that I am trying to or that I purposely "fake" it, I just have never been the type to be "woe is me" in front of people, even some of my closest friends, even a lot of times with Chris. I am not sure if that's good or bad or what the right way to be is....but it is what it is.
It's just tough - plain and simple. I have to just tell you, I want Mary Grace, I want to hold her, kiss her, look at her for hours, I want to whisper in her ear to tell her how much I love her and how beautiful she is, I want bury my face in her neck, I want to kiss her sweet feet, I want to sing her some hymns while I rock her in the chair that I rock my other two in, I want to watch her sisters argue over who gets to hold her next, I want to buy her first Easter dress and get her picture taken, I want to give her a bath and rub Baby Magic lotion on her just to smell her. Oh my arms ache for her, my heart breaks for her, my sweet Mary Grace. It's just that simple..........
Ps. 55:2 - Hear me and answer me. My thoughts trouble me and I am distraught.
So I came to the computer to cry out, to get it all out, to tell you about ME and how much I am hurting and how mad I am and how heavy my heart is (ME ME ME again!) and when I sat down I decided to check in on others first. And well, I am reminded that this world and this hurt and this trial is not about ME - guess I need to read the book I purchased a while back (it's not about me!). It's about something much bigger. Something I will never fully understand. But...in my hurt and despair, I somehow find God, I find that I need Him deeply. I find that this is about reaching out to others, it's about connecting with others and sharing and loving and growing. It's about knowing that Mary Grace has connected me to some very amazing people, some awesome miracles and stories of others that I would not know without her. That she has taken me to a better, more "desperate for God" prayer life (very desperate). It's about being prayerful for others, it's about trying to find a way to glorify God in all of this. It's about so much.
So....while I know I have a right to be hurting, I know I have a right to feel sorry for myself, I know I have a right to pull the blanket over my head and not come out for a while and I know I have a right to feel cheated (and I do and I will)...... I want more from this. I want all that Mary Grace was meant to bring me. I want her purpose to be fulfilled in me, I want to "get IT". I want it desperately and if I don't get it for a while, I know I will get it eventually. I will just keep on keepin' on. In the good and the bad times, I will seek His face.
So..speaking of being prayerful for others. I have some pretty big requests.
First, tomorrow or today for that matter (March 17th) my friend Chrissy will be meeting her precious miracle Eva Janette. Eva has been diagnosed with t-18. Chrissy is the last of our group that has met via the blogs to give birth. She has had to endure all of our stories and losses and still find a way to enjoy her pregnancy with Eva. Please pray for her, for Eva, for Vinny her Husband and for her other two children Mya and Dominic. Pray for lots of time together and that all their prayers will be answered. Oh how my heart hurts right now and how anxious I feel for them. The entire of day of Jan. 14 (Mary Grace's birthday) plays back in my mind as I think of this precious family. May God grant them their heart's desires. Check on them via their blog:
www.evajanette.blogspot.com/
Pray also for the family of Joshua Mathew Sams. Joshua passed away after having 67 days with his family. He was born with a neural tube defect. The Doctors said he would pass away soon after birth but praise God the family has had some wonderful time with him!! Please pray for Mommy Susie, Daddy Matt and Sister Oceana. They have many needs but mostly pray for healing that only can come from God. Let them know you are praying for them : http://www.mnssams.blogspot.com/
This family I have never heard of until tonight after reading a friend's blog. Molly Brown suddenly passed away at 19 months old - she had Trisomy 18. What a miracle this sweet girl is but her death was sudden and unexpected. Oh to be given so much time and then to have to let her go. Please pray pray pray for this sweet family. Let them know.....:
www.caringbridge.org/visit/mollybrown
Thank you for your prayers for these families. Thank you for your continued prayers for me and my family. I appreciate my family and friends and even strangers more than you could ever know!
Ps. 9:9 The Lord will be a stronghold for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble. And those who know Thy name will put their trust in Thee.
Sunday, March 16, 2008
Wednesday, March 5, 2008
God is waiting on me.....
Well, the last two days I have actually felt human. For those of you who do not know a couple of weeks ago I came down with type B flu - took about 1 week to somewhat get over that - then after having maybe one day where I felt like I could accomplish something - I started feeling yuck again. So....last Friday morning when I woke up my body ached and I felt in the tank again - this after seeing the commercial for cymbalta saying "depression hurts, it hurts everyone, it hurts everywhere, your body aches" - well - I just knew - this is it - this is how I am going to feel the rest of my life - I pretty much had a break down thinking this is how I was going to have to live. Oh how Satan loves to defeat us! I took a bath thinking it would help me, but after getting out and realizing - nope I don't feel better - I thought - hey I am going to take my temp - 102 - and blisters in the throat triggered a thought of "hey I may be sick again". So...the Dr fit me in - I had strep throat - I actually cried in relief that maybe, just maybe it's not a life sentence of depression.
I have to say however, that I do feel "depressed", I have felt hopeless, I have felt deep deep sadness, I have felt anger, anxiety, bitterness - but I have also had glimpses of relief the last two days. It's a bitter sweet thing - sweet because it has felt nice to feel somewhat normal - but bitter because when I have some good moments I feel guilt and fear - guilt for feeling "good" without Mary Grace, fear that it's a sign that I will forget - and God knows I want her to be a part of me every moment of every day - just not the sadness part. I want to start living what I KNOW to be truth - truth that Mary Grace was a miracle, our specific prayers were answered, we got to meet her, look into her eyes. I want to rejoice in all the ways Mary Grace touched our lives, touched every one's life - how she has impacted this world in a greater way than most do who live a lifetime. She is my third daughter and will always be with me. You know what we want most as parents is for our children to accept Jesus and be in Heaven for eternity. I want to rejoice in the fact that Mary Grace is there - it's accomplished - that worry is done, taken care of - she is with Jesus in paradise - free of this world and the junk it has to offer, she is waiting on me and I will see her again. It's Kailey and Allison I should be crying for - for all they will have to endure of this world - even at it's best - the heartache, the sin, Satan and his tricks and traps....oh Jesus, help me to raise them in You and keep them in your sights, keep them safe and let us be together forever with You in paradise one day. Help me to not lose any time with them because Satan is trying to steel my joy, help me to be the Mommy you planned for me to be, help me to be the Mommy that Kailey, Allison and Mary Grace deserves. Help me to be the wife Chris deserves. He me to bring You the glory that You so deserve. Oh God I want that, but I need you to accomplish it in me, I can not do it without You holding me tight right now.
I have started reading the one year book of hope - and the Author Nancy Guthrie lost two of her babies to a birth defect shortly after birth. She has felt a lot of the things that I have felt. One thing specifically that stood out is that I have felt guilty because I think my grief is more about ME than about Mary Grace. I know this to be true because Mary Grace is in Heaven - my goodness she is "where it's at!". I have just been feeling sorry for myself, feeling sadness for my loss, thinking about what I feel, what I fear, the disappointment that swallows me. Also, I expressed to a friend today that I feel like there has been so many things in my life that I have prayed about, some things I have prayed so hard about, some things I have prayed about for so long.....and it seems that God isn't answering any of my prayers. I hate saying that out loud because I KNOW how the Lord has blessed me and I KNOW the blessings that are in my life, but I also feel like He can do anything - He could answer these requests for goodness sakes - He could have healed Mary Grace......why pray about things - He is going to do what He wants to do anyway. Is He even there? Is He even listening? Why doesn't He show himself? Why doesn't He speak to me? Am I being punished for my sin? Then I am reminded of the Truth. The Truth that sets me free....... For instance Mary, Martha and Lazarus. Mary and Martha sent a desperate message to Jesus about their brother Lazarus, that he was sick and to please come heal him - "Lord the one You love is sick". And Jesus loved Lazarus - just like he loves ME - all of us! But.....Lazarus died - Mary and Martha was so confused - they must have felt like Jesus just ignored them, didn't care, why wouldn't he just come and heal him?! But Jesus had a greater purpose, he knew in order for God to be glorified that it must happen the way it did - days had to pass before he went back to bring Lazarus back from the dead. Jesus was teaching Mary and Martha and his disciples to TRUST him - to rely only on Him. And when we don't understand why......we have to TRUST him. God reassured the apostle Paul when he went through great suffering that "My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness". Oh Jesus - I believe, help me with my unbelief.
And one of my very favorite reminders is in the book of Daniel. Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego -three Hebrew teens who were captured, stripped of their names and manhood and made to be slaves to an emperor who was very cruel. They must have prayed over and over for relief, for freedom and no help came. They must have asked - "God can you hear us, are you there?" And then when King Nebuchadnezzar built a golden statue and told the three Hebrews to bow down and worship it, they refused - even when the King told them they would be thrown into a fiery furnace and killed. They told him "If you throw us into the blazing furnace the God we serve is able to save us from it, and he will rescue us from your hand, oh King. But even if he does not, we want you to know, O King, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up". And God did rescue them, he was in the fire with them, they came out without even a smell of smoke!! Now...if God had rescued them when they wanted to be rescued and answered their prayers in their time, would He have been glorified in such a miraculous way? I have to keep reminding myself of these things. Can you imagine being told you were going to be thrown into a furnace if you didn't bow down and worship another god and having their response - our God is able, but even if he doesn't!? Oh how I want to be like that - how I want to say - Lord you may not answer my prayers like I want them to be answered and this life may not be how I want it or planned it, and even if you never answer another prayer..... I know you love me and because you sent your only Son Jesus to die for me, I will be with you forever in Heaven - I will be with Mary Grace forever! God help me to surrender ALL!! And Satan, you might as well quit - no matter what you throw at me or my family, you will not win, I am saved and I am secure and my God is bigger than you and BTW - you are already defeated!!
You know, I have said before I am having a hard time reading the bible, praying for anything other than for others......and that really hasn't changed, but I know God knows how I feel. God heals the brokenhearted, he is holding me in the palm of his hand - this I know for sure because I wouldn't be able to get out of bed otherwise. God is waiting on me, and I am digging my way out of this hole, Lord I am coming - I know you are there...........I know you will not leave me.....I know your plans for me and my family are great, far greater that I can even imagine........I am hoping, I am trusting and I am relying on you. And I know You NEVER fail...............
I have to say however, that I do feel "depressed", I have felt hopeless, I have felt deep deep sadness, I have felt anger, anxiety, bitterness - but I have also had glimpses of relief the last two days. It's a bitter sweet thing - sweet because it has felt nice to feel somewhat normal - but bitter because when I have some good moments I feel guilt and fear - guilt for feeling "good" without Mary Grace, fear that it's a sign that I will forget - and God knows I want her to be a part of me every moment of every day - just not the sadness part. I want to start living what I KNOW to be truth - truth that Mary Grace was a miracle, our specific prayers were answered, we got to meet her, look into her eyes. I want to rejoice in all the ways Mary Grace touched our lives, touched every one's life - how she has impacted this world in a greater way than most do who live a lifetime. She is my third daughter and will always be with me. You know what we want most as parents is for our children to accept Jesus and be in Heaven for eternity. I want to rejoice in the fact that Mary Grace is there - it's accomplished - that worry is done, taken care of - she is with Jesus in paradise - free of this world and the junk it has to offer, she is waiting on me and I will see her again. It's Kailey and Allison I should be crying for - for all they will have to endure of this world - even at it's best - the heartache, the sin, Satan and his tricks and traps....oh Jesus, help me to raise them in You and keep them in your sights, keep them safe and let us be together forever with You in paradise one day. Help me to not lose any time with them because Satan is trying to steel my joy, help me to be the Mommy you planned for me to be, help me to be the Mommy that Kailey, Allison and Mary Grace deserves. Help me to be the wife Chris deserves. He me to bring You the glory that You so deserve. Oh God I want that, but I need you to accomplish it in me, I can not do it without You holding me tight right now.
I have started reading the one year book of hope - and the Author Nancy Guthrie lost two of her babies to a birth defect shortly after birth. She has felt a lot of the things that I have felt. One thing specifically that stood out is that I have felt guilty because I think my grief is more about ME than about Mary Grace. I know this to be true because Mary Grace is in Heaven - my goodness she is "where it's at!". I have just been feeling sorry for myself, feeling sadness for my loss, thinking about what I feel, what I fear, the disappointment that swallows me. Also, I expressed to a friend today that I feel like there has been so many things in my life that I have prayed about, some things I have prayed so hard about, some things I have prayed about for so long.....and it seems that God isn't answering any of my prayers. I hate saying that out loud because I KNOW how the Lord has blessed me and I KNOW the blessings that are in my life, but I also feel like He can do anything - He could answer these requests for goodness sakes - He could have healed Mary Grace......why pray about things - He is going to do what He wants to do anyway. Is He even there? Is He even listening? Why doesn't He show himself? Why doesn't He speak to me? Am I being punished for my sin? Then I am reminded of the Truth. The Truth that sets me free....... For instance Mary, Martha and Lazarus. Mary and Martha sent a desperate message to Jesus about their brother Lazarus, that he was sick and to please come heal him - "Lord the one You love is sick". And Jesus loved Lazarus - just like he loves ME - all of us! But.....Lazarus died - Mary and Martha was so confused - they must have felt like Jesus just ignored them, didn't care, why wouldn't he just come and heal him?! But Jesus had a greater purpose, he knew in order for God to be glorified that it must happen the way it did - days had to pass before he went back to bring Lazarus back from the dead. Jesus was teaching Mary and Martha and his disciples to TRUST him - to rely only on Him. And when we don't understand why......we have to TRUST him. God reassured the apostle Paul when he went through great suffering that "My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness". Oh Jesus - I believe, help me with my unbelief.
And one of my very favorite reminders is in the book of Daniel. Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego -three Hebrew teens who were captured, stripped of their names and manhood and made to be slaves to an emperor who was very cruel. They must have prayed over and over for relief, for freedom and no help came. They must have asked - "God can you hear us, are you there?" And then when King Nebuchadnezzar built a golden statue and told the three Hebrews to bow down and worship it, they refused - even when the King told them they would be thrown into a fiery furnace and killed. They told him "If you throw us into the blazing furnace the God we serve is able to save us from it, and he will rescue us from your hand, oh King. But even if he does not, we want you to know, O King, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up". And God did rescue them, he was in the fire with them, they came out without even a smell of smoke!! Now...if God had rescued them when they wanted to be rescued and answered their prayers in their time, would He have been glorified in such a miraculous way? I have to keep reminding myself of these things. Can you imagine being told you were going to be thrown into a furnace if you didn't bow down and worship another god and having their response - our God is able, but even if he doesn't!? Oh how I want to be like that - how I want to say - Lord you may not answer my prayers like I want them to be answered and this life may not be how I want it or planned it, and even if you never answer another prayer..... I know you love me and because you sent your only Son Jesus to die for me, I will be with you forever in Heaven - I will be with Mary Grace forever! God help me to surrender ALL!! And Satan, you might as well quit - no matter what you throw at me or my family, you will not win, I am saved and I am secure and my God is bigger than you and BTW - you are already defeated!!
You know, I have said before I am having a hard time reading the bible, praying for anything other than for others......and that really hasn't changed, but I know God knows how I feel. God heals the brokenhearted, he is holding me in the palm of his hand - this I know for sure because I wouldn't be able to get out of bed otherwise. God is waiting on me, and I am digging my way out of this hole, Lord I am coming - I know you are there...........I know you will not leave me.....I know your plans for me and my family are great, far greater that I can even imagine........I am hoping, I am trusting and I am relying on you. And I know You NEVER fail...............
Friday, February 22, 2008
Asher "Happy" Bolte
Hi Friends,
Please pray for baby Asher "Happy". He was born today at around 2:00 and needs your prayers. He and his family are listed as a link under my prayer requests. Happy is thought to have the same condition that took his brother Isaac from this family as an infant. Please visit their blog for updates and to let them know your are praying for them and to encourage them.
Thank you for your faithfulness. I am sorry I have not "blogged" lately but I have had the flu this week and am having a hard time writing - I go from one emotion to another (high to deeply low) in a matter of seconds. I covet your prayers and continue to be so thankful for everything everyone is doing for our family (prayers, meals, thoughts, cards, donations to St. Jude, etc.). It is truly overwhelming and we love you all so much.
With love,
Kim
Please pray for baby Asher "Happy". He was born today at around 2:00 and needs your prayers. He and his family are listed as a link under my prayer requests. Happy is thought to have the same condition that took his brother Isaac from this family as an infant. Please visit their blog for updates and to let them know your are praying for them and to encourage them.
Thank you for your faithfulness. I am sorry I have not "blogged" lately but I have had the flu this week and am having a hard time writing - I go from one emotion to another (high to deeply low) in a matter of seconds. I covet your prayers and continue to be so thankful for everything everyone is doing for our family (prayers, meals, thoughts, cards, donations to St. Jude, etc.). It is truly overwhelming and we love you all so much.
With love,
Kim
Thursday, February 14, 2008
Happy Valentine's Day?
Happy Valentines Day? Well – this day caught me by surprise – or the feelings of the day I should say.
I got some big days behind me last week, Mary Grace’s due date (Feb. 6th), and my birthday (Feb 8th). The significance of my birthday is that when I found out I was pregnant I was so happy that I would have my 3rd and probably final baby BEFORE I was 38 (had to beat my Mom). I told Chris that I didn’t want to celebrate my birthday and when he asked why and I explained – he said “but you did have Mary Grace before you were 38”. With that, I said – but I do not HAVE her with me! Chris is a person who always looks at the positive and God knows I need him for that – but it was very difficult to have my birthday this year. I ended up having a good day thanks to all my family and friends who went out of their way to make me feel special this year (they always do really).
So I had a sigh of relief that last week was over. Then I woke up this morning and it hit me like a ton of bricks “I do not have one of my “sweet hearts” with me today”. I took a shower (a huge task lately), had to go to Target to get the girls their Valentine’s gift (something I knew I was putting off) and had several emotional moments. The last several days I have not cried and honestly I felt weird about it – maybe I am cried out. But…this morning every thought I had made me cry (so I put the water proof mascara on in preparation). While in Target shopping for the girls for something they would need as well as like, I kept running across baby stuff for baby’s first valentines day and I had to stop and think does anyone around me see the tears, do they know that I should be purchasing some of that stuff – do they know that I am buying for two girls but should be buying for three! Even getting back into my minivan, which should have in it an infant seat, is so hard.
I had to go to Kailey’s school party today which honestly I was dreading, especially with having such a hard morning. But…..Kailey deserves to have her Mommy there so you just do it. God is so good because yes, it was awkward seeing some people for the first time, but it was okay. I know it’s probably just as awkward for them as for me so you just get through it. One Mom however didn’t know I had Mary Grace, didn’t know about any of it – only remembered that I was pregnant with my 3rd. I know how it is when a lot of time has gone by but it doesn’t register to you….so she said so when are you due? (I know what you are thinking – aaahhhh – but it really wasn’t like that, I was bent down helping Kailey with something and she is a precious person.) I told her I already had her and she said wow how is everything, with a beautiful smile? So I just told her about it all. I mean what do you say, how much do you share, where do you begin and end – this was “my first time”. She was shocked and I know felt really bad and that’s when I just try to make the other person okay. The whole situation was overall good, and God helped me get through that whole party without breaking down but….. I am whipped right now.
You know – I have to learn how I will handle these things, what you say when someone asks, “how many children do you have” – I have three but then comes, “how old are they?” - I will have to figure it all out. One thing I know for sure is I want to talk about Mary Grace – I want her to be acknowledged – she is my 3rd baby girl and although she is not physically with me – she is a part of me that I want to share.
I do want you to know that I am doing okay. I am having some good days and getting back into a routine (my “new” normal). I am laughing more and trying to reflect on all the answered prayers that happened with Mary Grace. I told my Dad, I know it’s a choice when I wake up every day whether I am going to let Satan steal my joy or whether I am going to fight to enjoy everything that God has blessed me with, what I still have right in front of me. Some days it’s a harder fight and I get weak but you know that’s just my life now. I have lost one of my sweet hearts and I will never be the same. And if being the same means not having Mary Grace – then I do not want to be the same – she is worth it all – she is worth everything. I gotta figure out what God wants to reveal to me and in me and I do not know when that is going to happen but I will just trust him. I have read a book my Aunt gave me written by Billy Graham’s daughter called “Why? Trusting God when you don’t understand” – perfect huh? And there is one thing I want to share that spoke to me. She writes “ I understand that a turkey and an eagle react differently to the threat of a storm. A turkey reacts by running under the barn, hoping the storm won’t come near. On the other hand, an eagle leaves the security of its nest and spreads its wings to ride the air currents of the approaching storm, knowing they will carry it higher in the sky than it could soar on its own. It’s natural for me to be a turkey in my emotions, but I have chosen to be an eagle in my spirit. And as I have spread my wings of faith to embrace the “Wind,” placing my trust in Jesus and Jesus alone, I have experienced quite “every day” miracles.”
I want so badly to be an eagle – I don’t know when I can be an eagle but that’s what I am praying for. I do know that I will choose to trust him. I choose to trust him because he is trustworthy – He is a God of fulfilled promises, of love, of salvation, of redemption, of miracles, of triumph and victory - victory even over the grave. Anne Graham also writes “When there are no answers to your questions……Trust Him when you don’t understand.
Trust His heart.
Trust His purpose.
Trust Him when it is your heart that’s broken.
Trust His goodness.
Trust Him beyond the grave.
Trust Him to know best.
Trust His plan to be bigger than yours.
Trust Him to keep His Word
Trust Him to be on time.
Trust Him to be enough.
Trust Him to set you free.
Trust Him – and Him Alone.”
I will choose to Trust Him. That’s all a Daughter can do sometimes……….
So, Happy Valentines Day? I choose YES.
I got some big days behind me last week, Mary Grace’s due date (Feb. 6th), and my birthday (Feb 8th). The significance of my birthday is that when I found out I was pregnant I was so happy that I would have my 3rd and probably final baby BEFORE I was 38 (had to beat my Mom). I told Chris that I didn’t want to celebrate my birthday and when he asked why and I explained – he said “but you did have Mary Grace before you were 38”. With that, I said – but I do not HAVE her with me! Chris is a person who always looks at the positive and God knows I need him for that – but it was very difficult to have my birthday this year. I ended up having a good day thanks to all my family and friends who went out of their way to make me feel special this year (they always do really).
So I had a sigh of relief that last week was over. Then I woke up this morning and it hit me like a ton of bricks “I do not have one of my “sweet hearts” with me today”. I took a shower (a huge task lately), had to go to Target to get the girls their Valentine’s gift (something I knew I was putting off) and had several emotional moments. The last several days I have not cried and honestly I felt weird about it – maybe I am cried out. But…this morning every thought I had made me cry (so I put the water proof mascara on in preparation). While in Target shopping for the girls for something they would need as well as like, I kept running across baby stuff for baby’s first valentines day and I had to stop and think does anyone around me see the tears, do they know that I should be purchasing some of that stuff – do they know that I am buying for two girls but should be buying for three! Even getting back into my minivan, which should have in it an infant seat, is so hard.
I had to go to Kailey’s school party today which honestly I was dreading, especially with having such a hard morning. But…..Kailey deserves to have her Mommy there so you just do it. God is so good because yes, it was awkward seeing some people for the first time, but it was okay. I know it’s probably just as awkward for them as for me so you just get through it. One Mom however didn’t know I had Mary Grace, didn’t know about any of it – only remembered that I was pregnant with my 3rd. I know how it is when a lot of time has gone by but it doesn’t register to you….so she said so when are you due? (I know what you are thinking – aaahhhh – but it really wasn’t like that, I was bent down helping Kailey with something and she is a precious person.) I told her I already had her and she said wow how is everything, with a beautiful smile? So I just told her about it all. I mean what do you say, how much do you share, where do you begin and end – this was “my first time”. She was shocked and I know felt really bad and that’s when I just try to make the other person okay. The whole situation was overall good, and God helped me get through that whole party without breaking down but….. I am whipped right now.
You know – I have to learn how I will handle these things, what you say when someone asks, “how many children do you have” – I have three but then comes, “how old are they?” - I will have to figure it all out. One thing I know for sure is I want to talk about Mary Grace – I want her to be acknowledged – she is my 3rd baby girl and although she is not physically with me – she is a part of me that I want to share.
I do want you to know that I am doing okay. I am having some good days and getting back into a routine (my “new” normal). I am laughing more and trying to reflect on all the answered prayers that happened with Mary Grace. I told my Dad, I know it’s a choice when I wake up every day whether I am going to let Satan steal my joy or whether I am going to fight to enjoy everything that God has blessed me with, what I still have right in front of me. Some days it’s a harder fight and I get weak but you know that’s just my life now. I have lost one of my sweet hearts and I will never be the same. And if being the same means not having Mary Grace – then I do not want to be the same – she is worth it all – she is worth everything. I gotta figure out what God wants to reveal to me and in me and I do not know when that is going to happen but I will just trust him. I have read a book my Aunt gave me written by Billy Graham’s daughter called “Why? Trusting God when you don’t understand” – perfect huh? And there is one thing I want to share that spoke to me. She writes “ I understand that a turkey and an eagle react differently to the threat of a storm. A turkey reacts by running under the barn, hoping the storm won’t come near. On the other hand, an eagle leaves the security of its nest and spreads its wings to ride the air currents of the approaching storm, knowing they will carry it higher in the sky than it could soar on its own. It’s natural for me to be a turkey in my emotions, but I have chosen to be an eagle in my spirit. And as I have spread my wings of faith to embrace the “Wind,” placing my trust in Jesus and Jesus alone, I have experienced quite “every day” miracles.”
I want so badly to be an eagle – I don’t know when I can be an eagle but that’s what I am praying for. I do know that I will choose to trust him. I choose to trust him because he is trustworthy – He is a God of fulfilled promises, of love, of salvation, of redemption, of miracles, of triumph and victory - victory even over the grave. Anne Graham also writes “When there are no answers to your questions……Trust Him when you don’t understand.
Trust His heart.
Trust His purpose.
Trust Him when it is your heart that’s broken.
Trust His goodness.
Trust Him beyond the grave.
Trust Him to know best.
Trust His plan to be bigger than yours.
Trust Him to keep His Word
Trust Him to be on time.
Trust Him to be enough.
Trust Him to set you free.
Trust Him – and Him Alone.”
I will choose to Trust Him. That’s all a Daughter can do sometimes……….
So, Happy Valentines Day? I choose YES.
Saturday, February 9, 2008
Urgent Request
Hi Family and Friends,
I have an urgent request for a sweet friend of mine and her daughter Mallorie (my friend's 5th child/gift from God).
Mallorie celebrated her 1st birthday on February 6th (Mary Grace's due date - so it's a special day all the way around). Mallorie is a precious miracle, a sweet baby girl who has beat all the odds against her. She was born with cleft palate / lip, spina bifida and trisomy. She is a blessing and a joy! But.....she needs our prayers. She had cleft palate surgery on Thursday and although the surgery went well, she has developed some complications. I am not sure of the specifics, but I think things got a little scarry yesterday. I ask that you pray for the specifics given by her Mom:
For clear x-rays
For no fever/infection
For peace with all decisions being made - for her Mom, Dad, family
For the right Doctor's and nurses - loving, patient and knowledgeable
For a private room - to provide better rest for all
For complete healing, no need of oxygen, for no pain, for comfort
I also ask that you pray specifically for her Mallorie's Mom. I can not express to you how much this woman has meant to me. She reached out to me along with others and has not stopped loving, praying for and supporting me. The weeks leading up to Mallorie's first birthday and her surgery, my friend took time to write me and be there for me as if nothing was going on in her life. She has been there for all of us "trisomy" Moms. Her heart, her love for her children, her love for others and her love of the Lord is unfailing. Please be on your knees for their needs. I love them, and my heart hurts for them.
Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks, receives; and the one who seeks, finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened. (Mt. 7:7-8)
I have an urgent request for a sweet friend of mine and her daughter Mallorie (my friend's 5th child/gift from God).
Mallorie celebrated her 1st birthday on February 6th (Mary Grace's due date - so it's a special day all the way around). Mallorie is a precious miracle, a sweet baby girl who has beat all the odds against her. She was born with cleft palate / lip, spina bifida and trisomy. She is a blessing and a joy! But.....she needs our prayers. She had cleft palate surgery on Thursday and although the surgery went well, she has developed some complications. I am not sure of the specifics, but I think things got a little scarry yesterday. I ask that you pray for the specifics given by her Mom:
For clear x-rays
For no fever/infection
For peace with all decisions being made - for her Mom, Dad, family
For the right Doctor's and nurses - loving, patient and knowledgeable
For a private room - to provide better rest for all
For complete healing, no need of oxygen, for no pain, for comfort
I also ask that you pray specifically for her Mallorie's Mom. I can not express to you how much this woman has meant to me. She reached out to me along with others and has not stopped loving, praying for and supporting me. The weeks leading up to Mallorie's first birthday and her surgery, my friend took time to write me and be there for me as if nothing was going on in her life. She has been there for all of us "trisomy" Moms. Her heart, her love for her children, her love for others and her love of the Lord is unfailing. Please be on your knees for their needs. I love them, and my heart hurts for them.
Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks, receives; and the one who seeks, finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened. (Mt. 7:7-8)
Friday, February 8, 2008
Mary Grace's video
Hi Friends and Family,
On the left hand side of my blog under my profile is our beautiful video of Mary Grace. This is what the wonderful photographer (Amber Augustin) provided us with for Mary's celebration of life service. She is part of the Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep Foundation and is a God send. This video captures one of the best days of my life and I feel so proud of my little Mary Grace and want to show her off to you.
Enjoy her......
With love,
Kim
On the left hand side of my blog under my profile is our beautiful video of Mary Grace. This is what the wonderful photographer (Amber Augustin) provided us with for Mary's celebration of life service. She is part of the Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep Foundation and is a God send. This video captures one of the best days of my life and I feel so proud of my little Mary Grace and want to show her off to you.
Enjoy her......
With love,
Kim
Saturday, February 2, 2008
Can't praise you in this storm - not yet
I sit here at the computer not really knowing what to write but wanting to give you something. I know sometimes when "checking" on someone I feel desperate to know how they are doing or what they are feeling and I know my friends out there feel the same about me. It's not that I do not want to write - it's just that I have nothing to give you, nothing new.
Chris took Allison to a birthday party because I am still avoiding people (no offense), I am giving Kailey math problems and I am searching the blogs for something.
The last few days I have desperately been reading / searching past blog posts (of the ones that have lost their babies before me). I am trying to go back to where they were in their journey that corresponds to where I am now. To see if how I am feeling is normal and/or okay. Do not get me wrong - I know we are all entitled to how we feel, we all feel different and all feel grief and loss in a different way or at different times. But right now, I do not feel strong, I do not feel encouraged, I do not feel "held", I do not feel okay that Mary Grace is in Heaven in stead of with me, I do not feel like praying (except for others - nothing that makes it personal between me and God), I do not feel like reading God's word. So what do I feel? I feel mostly numb. I am going through the motions, trying to be "normal" on the outside so my girls are okay. And after faking it so to speak, I feel exausted. I went out for a drive last night so I could listen to my music which is therapy to me. It felt good to blast the music, cry out loud. The songs spoke truth to me, I cried to God to tell him that I know he's there, I do believe, I do praise him for my girls, my husband my family but I am mad. I feel let down and even though I am so thankful for everything in my life, it doesn't take away the fact that I gave up one of my children!! I was listening to the song - I will praise you in the storm. The verses spoke truth and I was singing the words and thinking...yes this is how I feel, then comes the chorus and I said to God - "sorry - can't praise you right now".
I was speaking to one of my best friends this week and I was telling her how I felt, how I couldn't get on the computer and say all these great things about God yet. That's just the truth - and yes I do feel guilty feeling this way. She understood then she told me about her and a group of friends in Texas who got together to pray for me while I was in Kentucky burying Mary Grace's body. She told me that in her prayer she told God she couldn't wait to see my rewards. Then God poured something over me, a truth / a reminder that even though I may feel defeated, angry, disappointed, confused that my Heavenly Father does love me. He loved me so very much that he chose ME, ME to be Mary Grace's Mommy. And that I would go through all of this a billion times to be Mary Grace's Mommy - to have held her in my belly for 37 weeks and in my arms for 7 hours alive and 24 hours after going to Heaven. So my friends...I have this......this will sustain me, this reminder will get me through this. I can praise God for this - I will praise him forever for Mary Grace. I will hang on for dear life and he will give me what I need, when I need it. If God be for me then who can be against me?
I want to say thank you for all your prayers for me. As I mentioned I can pray for others, thank him for others, pray for my girls, my family etc. but I have not been able to get personal with God - kind of like with our own earthly parents. We can remember loving them, knowing they loved us but being so mad at their decisions that we could not speak to them, we just wanted to stay in our rooms and sulk - well that' me right now with God when it comes to me. So I will rely on your prayers for me if that's okay.
I do feel bad that I can't be more positive about all of this....but I am struggling. I want to encourage others, I want to life you all up so that you walk away from the computer feeling uplifted and encouraged, but I also need to be real and honest. I love God, he loves me - he knows me and he knows I am struggling. That's just the truth. This week has been a week of many "firsts". I went to Allison's gymnastics with Mom and Chris (felt safe with them) and I was faced with loving to watch Allison but the reality that I will never get to see Mary Grace do dance or gymnastics hurts. It hurt that I didn't have her in a carrier beside me while we watched Allison - three weeks ago she was with us and now I feel so empty handed. We go from there to Chic-fil-a for lunch - while ordering a kids meal for Allison it hit me that I will never get to order a kids meal for Mary Grace. When taking Kailey her lunch for the first time again on Thursday (I do this every thursday) I was faced with the truth that Mary Grace will never be in first grade and be excited about Mommy bringing lunch to her. A thousand more firsts that I could tell you about, but I am sure you get the picture - everything, every thought, every movement there is a constant reminder that I do not have my 3rd daughter with me. I love thinking about Mary Grace constantly but the truth and the reminder of her absense hurts so bad. When I was pregnant with her - I knew the reality of what was going to happen but while she was with me there was always HOPE. Now there is just absense - that's the truth.
But......truth also is that we can struggle, we can question, we can be mad, we can yell, scream and kick, we can ask why and we can pray for everyone else but then tell God I do not want to talk about me cause you have hurt me....... and we still have the truth, the promise of Heaven because of what Jesus Christ did - not because anything we have done or will do (thank God). I will hold on to this and no matter what.........I will be there with my girl one day. This is truth - I guess all the truth we need. I wish Satan would face this truth and get off our backs!! Thanks for being there - thanks for listening.
Chris took Allison to a birthday party because I am still avoiding people (no offense), I am giving Kailey math problems and I am searching the blogs for something.
The last few days I have desperately been reading / searching past blog posts (of the ones that have lost their babies before me). I am trying to go back to where they were in their journey that corresponds to where I am now. To see if how I am feeling is normal and/or okay. Do not get me wrong - I know we are all entitled to how we feel, we all feel different and all feel grief and loss in a different way or at different times. But right now, I do not feel strong, I do not feel encouraged, I do not feel "held", I do not feel okay that Mary Grace is in Heaven in stead of with me, I do not feel like praying (except for others - nothing that makes it personal between me and God), I do not feel like reading God's word. So what do I feel? I feel mostly numb. I am going through the motions, trying to be "normal" on the outside so my girls are okay. And after faking it so to speak, I feel exausted. I went out for a drive last night so I could listen to my music which is therapy to me. It felt good to blast the music, cry out loud. The songs spoke truth to me, I cried to God to tell him that I know he's there, I do believe, I do praise him for my girls, my husband my family but I am mad. I feel let down and even though I am so thankful for everything in my life, it doesn't take away the fact that I gave up one of my children!! I was listening to the song - I will praise you in the storm. The verses spoke truth and I was singing the words and thinking...yes this is how I feel, then comes the chorus and I said to God - "sorry - can't praise you right now".
I was speaking to one of my best friends this week and I was telling her how I felt, how I couldn't get on the computer and say all these great things about God yet. That's just the truth - and yes I do feel guilty feeling this way. She understood then she told me about her and a group of friends in Texas who got together to pray for me while I was in Kentucky burying Mary Grace's body. She told me that in her prayer she told God she couldn't wait to see my rewards. Then God poured something over me, a truth / a reminder that even though I may feel defeated, angry, disappointed, confused that my Heavenly Father does love me. He loved me so very much that he chose ME, ME to be Mary Grace's Mommy. And that I would go through all of this a billion times to be Mary Grace's Mommy - to have held her in my belly for 37 weeks and in my arms for 7 hours alive and 24 hours after going to Heaven. So my friends...I have this......this will sustain me, this reminder will get me through this. I can praise God for this - I will praise him forever for Mary Grace. I will hang on for dear life and he will give me what I need, when I need it. If God be for me then who can be against me?
I want to say thank you for all your prayers for me. As I mentioned I can pray for others, thank him for others, pray for my girls, my family etc. but I have not been able to get personal with God - kind of like with our own earthly parents. We can remember loving them, knowing they loved us but being so mad at their decisions that we could not speak to them, we just wanted to stay in our rooms and sulk - well that' me right now with God when it comes to me. So I will rely on your prayers for me if that's okay.
I do feel bad that I can't be more positive about all of this....but I am struggling. I want to encourage others, I want to life you all up so that you walk away from the computer feeling uplifted and encouraged, but I also need to be real and honest. I love God, he loves me - he knows me and he knows I am struggling. That's just the truth. This week has been a week of many "firsts". I went to Allison's gymnastics with Mom and Chris (felt safe with them) and I was faced with loving to watch Allison but the reality that I will never get to see Mary Grace do dance or gymnastics hurts. It hurt that I didn't have her in a carrier beside me while we watched Allison - three weeks ago she was with us and now I feel so empty handed. We go from there to Chic-fil-a for lunch - while ordering a kids meal for Allison it hit me that I will never get to order a kids meal for Mary Grace. When taking Kailey her lunch for the first time again on Thursday (I do this every thursday) I was faced with the truth that Mary Grace will never be in first grade and be excited about Mommy bringing lunch to her. A thousand more firsts that I could tell you about, but I am sure you get the picture - everything, every thought, every movement there is a constant reminder that I do not have my 3rd daughter with me. I love thinking about Mary Grace constantly but the truth and the reminder of her absense hurts so bad. When I was pregnant with her - I knew the reality of what was going to happen but while she was with me there was always HOPE. Now there is just absense - that's the truth.
But......truth also is that we can struggle, we can question, we can be mad, we can yell, scream and kick, we can ask why and we can pray for everyone else but then tell God I do not want to talk about me cause you have hurt me....... and we still have the truth, the promise of Heaven because of what Jesus Christ did - not because anything we have done or will do (thank God). I will hold on to this and no matter what.........I will be there with my girl one day. This is truth - I guess all the truth we need. I wish Satan would face this truth and get off our backs!! Thanks for being there - thanks for listening.
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