Remember Me?

Hi Friends,

Remember me? I know it's been too long since I actually gave an update on me so I thought while I had a few quiet moments this afternoon, I better take the opportunity. Thank you for all your e-mails and comments wondering how we are and letting me know that you are still there praying for and thinking of me! It means
so much.

First...the baby is doing great. We had our 20 week ultrasound this past Monday and things looked really good. It's funny how when you go through what we have that you don't even look forward to what you may see on the screen. The questions you ask the tech now is things like, are the feet okay and not club feet? Do the hands look okay? Do you see any fluid around the brain? Are the four chambers of the heart there? Kailey and Allison went with us and I had a fear of that because of what they could see, but everything looked great. And when the Dr. said the baby is growing well and everything looks healthy the girls were so happy. Allison said on our way home the other day "Mommy if this baby lives and gets to come home....." It's heart breaking but reality for them. I have always been so thankful for the 7 hours we had with Mary Grace as some don't get anything, but more and more I have imagined what it would have been like to have had a little bit more time with her, to be able to walk into the front door from the hospital with her and have Kailey and Allison smother her. And I am starting to feel more comfortable in day dreaming about getting to bring this baby home and what it will be like to actually do the room and have the bassinet in our room ready for the baby to be here in our house. And when I am in a store and I hear that "newborn" cry my heart skips a beat and I imagine being able to hear that this time, feeling like it will be such a welcome sound and hoping that I do not get frustrated with that sound when I can't get it to stop:) Mary Grace didn't cry like that, she whimpered and I long to hear that cry.

At about week 18 I started to feel human again...I was really worried that I would never come back to myself but I am having more and more days of feeling good. I do have to face that my age is playing a role that I may not be able to do anything about:)JK.. But for the most part I feel good. I still have those days where I don't know what to do with myself and I know that I am suppose to be chasing an 11 month old around and it makes me feel lost. And now that I am starting to feel this little one kick and squirm which makes it feel more real, I see that hope that is in my future. Yes...I am still scared to look forward in fear of disappointment but I usually can quickly feel God pulling me back into the reality of my faith in Him. I realize that if He can bless me with 3 beautiful girls and to love me enough to give me Mary Grace at all...then I know His plans for me are good. How do people survive without Him and the hope we have in Him? I can't imagine!

I have taken Angie's lead (Poppy's mom) in "taking back Christmas" this year which is really putting me in the spirit. We are serving the families of Ronald McDonald House dinner this month with my neighbors and friends. Taking goodies to the nursing home. Helping to host our 3rd annual Happy Birthday Jesus party which includes bringing gifts to the community storehouse. Shopping for an angel from Salvation Army and hopefully more......and I can't express how great it feels to give - so much better than to receive. So...I encourage you if you haven't already started to get on board, it's never too late.

With all the good and blessings in my life, it's still so hard to be without Mary Grace. I am having a hard time sending or even thinking of my Christmas cards this year. Pictures of the girls seem void of our 3rd girl and a family picture isn't complete - this year the cards just may not happen. When I start to think of it, my mind shuts it down because nothing seems to include all of us. So...I am struggling with that. I was in WalMart today looking at Christmas decorations and my heart breaks...it breaks to not have a picture of Mary Grace at 11 months to put in a new ornament for her on the tree. To even know our tree is safe of her baby hands pulling it down this year makes it hurt to look a the tree at times. And to realize I don't have to shop for her, my 3rd girl is so hard. I plan to give a toy in her name, but we know it's not even close to filling that void I am talking of. I wanted someone so bad to see the tears in my eyes and to know that my little girl had died. To know that my life is void of her and always will be. I still struggle answering the question of how many kids do you have? I always include Mary Grace but no matter how I state it "I have one in Heaven, or my 3rd little girl died, or 3 girls and nothing else - I walk away feeling so yucky like I never feel right about how I have said it. If any of you guys have a way of saying it that makes you feel okay, or if you have ways of including your baby in Heaven in your Christmas cards or how you sign your names..please let me know. Maybe something will click for me.

Let me tell you and I would shout it if I could....God is so good. Through the good times and the bad, He is still so good. Through my darkest days I have never been alone. He has blessed me beyond anything that I deserve or could ever deserve and I am thankful every day for everything. I said at Thanksgiving it's so hard to find the balance in being sad and questioning why we do not have Mary Grace with us and to feel that bitterness of being cheated, and then to have that feeling of overwhelming gratitude for all that God has blessed us with and continues to bless us with. It's even the feeling of trying to find that balance that I am thankful for because without it, I would have never had Mary Grace. She is worth being in this position and God knows I will see her again, she will always be mine.

I am still praying for you all my friends. Even if I am not blogging or e-mailing as often, there isn't a day that goes by that I do not think of you and do not include you and everything going on in your life in my prayers. It's so wonderful to see the blessings that God is pouring on all of us. And if it's not as apparent in some of your lives, I have no doubt of God's good plan for you!! Jeremiah 29:11!!
My church is having a remembrance service Tuesday night. When I light the candle for Mary Grace I will be thinking of all you and your babies too - Mary Grace brought you to me and I am so thankful!
Thank you again for all your prayers....they are working...keep 'em coming!!

I wanted to share the picture of Mary Grace's head stone. I am so proud of it. It took 9 months but it was worth the wait. While in Kentucky at Thanksgiving we were able to see it since it has been placed. I know several of you have asked as it was something that had been bothering me. My sweet Uncle and Mom take care of it and it's such a comfort to know it is near my Grandma Hazlett. Love you all!

Faith Clare is on her way!!

I got out of church tonight and got a text from Kenzie. Her water broke and Faith is on her way!! I just got home and ran to the computer to get an update and they think the baby may be here by around 9:00. Check her blog for updates, I can hardly contain myself!! The power of prayer is so beautiful!! I can't wait to see Deacon and Maddox's baby sister!!
http://thestanfieldjourney.blogspot.com/

Faith Clare....

Hi Friends,
Kenzie is back in the hospital until sweet Faith Clare is in her arms. She is almost 35 weeks and little Faith seems to be at a good weight so they are going to just keep her in the hospital until she makes her grand entrance. They are hoping to keep her in her mommy's belly until at least 38 weeks but if anything should happen before then they will make a move.

Please check for updates on Kenzie's blog and keep her family in your prayers. It is very hard for her to be away from her honey and sweet Deacon. Dusty (Kenzie's husband) is pretty much taking on all the responsibilities of Deacon as well as his full time job and trying to see Kenzie as much as possible. They have really had to be patient and wait on the Lord and I know their reward will be great!!

Keep on praying for my sweet friend please.....

Eliot Mooney on Oprah again!!

Hi Friends,

I know some of you watched Oprah on Tuesday and watched the video life diary clip of Eliot Mooney (99 balloons). It brought tears to my eyes and I have watched it a thousand times before. The show received so many comments about this sweet boy that Oprah is having the family on the live show tomorrow (Friday 10/31) for follow up. I loved watching how Jesus was so prevalent in the video on the Oprah show!!

Please watch if you can tomorrow. I do not promote Oprah but this is a tremendous opportunity for Trisomy 18 and for any other Trisomy awareness, well really any prenatal fatal diagnosis. I also think the timing of Eloit's video being played on Oprah is no coincidence as the most important election of our life is coming to a close. I think it will show that these sweet babies ARE compatible with life and that abortion does not have to be the only option as it has been presented to many of us! Mary Grace's 7 hours in my arms was worth everything that our family has endured. I would relive it a thousand more times if I could have those 7 hours back again. The joy of Mary Grace and these sweet babies totally outweigh any of the heart ache.

I was so proud of the Mooney family and their miracle boy Eliot. I was so proud of Mary Grace and all the sweet babies that I have met that are now in Heaven together. I praise Jesus every day for the opportunities and relationships that Mary Grace has brought to me.

I also urge you to be in your knees for the upcoming election. God's will be done.

It is You who made the heavens and the earth by Your great power and by Your outstretched arm! Nothing is too hard for You.

Jeremiah 32:17

As far as me, well thank you so much for all the prayers! I should have posted my good news way earlier because I do feel all your prayers. I am starting to feel a little better physically and am starting to have my sweet day dreams about this new little someone!! I have been scared and hesitant to let my mind and heart "go there" but God is directing them there anyway. He is so good all of the time!

Remember.....

As many of you know and for those of you who do not, today, October 15th, is National Day of Remembrance for Pregnancy and Infant Loss. I ask that you join with me in praying for the millions of families who celebrate the blessing of the child or children they have lost (including miscarriage in any week of pregnancy).

I was talking to a friend yesterday who has also lost a precious girl to Trisomy 18 and has had a ectopic pregnancy. We talked about from the time we see the positive sign on a test stick or hear it from our Dr. for the first time, we are automatically in love with our baby growing inside of us, we are immediately Mothers with that love that God put within us. And whether we lose that child within weeks of hearing that news, or shortly after birth, or when they are 40 it is a loss like no other. I myself have had 2 miscarriages and the loss of Mary Grace after having her for only 7 short hours. They have each been a loss that will always be with me.

Today is not a day to mourn or be sad, today is a day to remember and to celebrate the sweet gifts that God chose to give us. We serve an amazing God who has a plan for each of us from the moment he knits us together in our Mother's womb. As I celebrate Mary Grace and my other two babies I never got to meet, I will also celebrate all the other babies I have had the pleasure to know and love without ever meeting them. I can thank my Mary Grace for so many things but especially for being the gift that brought these other babies and their Mommy's to me. May God bless your family today and always!

Psalm 139: 13-17: You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother's womb. Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is marvelous - how well we know it. You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion, as I was woven together in the dark of the womb. You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed. How precious are your thoughts about me, O God. They cannot be numbered!

I also ask my faithful friends and prayer warriors to pray for my new blessing. I am 13 weeks pregnant with a new little someone!! I am so thankful for this new blessing in our family! However, I have had a really hard couple of months emotionally. I am not sure how to even explain how I have felt. I thought that if we were blessed with another baby whether through pregnancy or adoption I would start feeling so much better, to have a reason to celebrate and to look forward. And God answered our prayers!! But.....I have felt horrible physically with no energy and my emotions have been really low, I have missed Mary Grace even more and the thought of not ever getting to have her here with me on earth in my arms have been more than I can bare. This baby by no means was meant to replace Mary Grace and even the thoughts of that horrifies me, but now that I have this baby the thoughts of it not being her has been there and has weighed heavily on my heart. To even admit that hurts but I have to share the truth, my real feelings as hard as it may be. I know it's not been very long and hormones could be a big culprit so just pray that I will start to feel better and enjoy this pregnancy as it will be my last. For the first time I feel my age dear friends plus some!!
I do want to let you know that we got our test results back from the 12 week nuchal translucency screening and everything looks good with no indications of any problems so far, Praise Jesus!! That has made me feel a little better mentally. This is the blood work that began the questions with Mary Grace and it was confirmed at around 18weeks.
I can not express to all of my faithful friends how much it has meant to have you in my life, to come here and to know that you guys are are still checking on me and praying for me and my family. It has been, at times, the only thing that keeps me going as this grief road can feel pretty isolating. Thank you for your continued prayers and know that even though I may not be leaving you as many comments on your blogs, I check on you and pray for you and yours daily, you will always be in my heart!

Jeremiah 29:11 : "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you: Plans to give you a hope and a future."

Feeling Sad Too

I have just read a friend's blog and she simply titled it "feeling sad". I can so relate. I have been wanting to come here with something uplifting, profound and encouraging but this week I got nothin'. I always feel the pressure of wanting to give God nothing but praise through Mary's blog but this week, I have had a hard week, a week of feeling very sad. It's been one of those weeks where I simply ask God when I get out of bed, just to help me take care of my girls...and He has helped me do that. I can't imagine not having Him. With Him all things are possible and without Him there is no hope, there is nothing worth while.

Wednesday and today have been especially hard. Why? Don't know. Just days where I feel the weight of not having Mary Grace with us. Wednesday afternoon the girls were at a friend's house and I stayed in the bed. When she walked them home it was hard for me to hide that I had had a hard afternoon. Usually I am really good and putting the smile on but not this day. Kailey asked what was wrong , I told her I had a head ache, which was true. She asked if I had been crying I said yes. She said "Mommy do you have a head ache and a heart ache?" I simply said yes. That's it, as simple as that...a head ache and a heart ache, a really sad day. My sweet Kailey went on to say, "let's put on some Toby Mac, he will help you get in a good mood". She is right...we love us some Toby Mac!

I had to do the kids program that night at church and I wondered how in the world I would do it, I prayed that God would just get me through it. It was a really fun night with the kids and He once again gave me the energy that I could not have gotten on my own. This is yet another reminder, God is with us, He wants to help us and when we simply ask, when we simply rely on Him cause we got nothing in us to do it on our own.....He fills us up, He answers our crys.

Today while feeling the sadness I thought of this song we often sing in church, a song that never leaves me with any more tears to cry. But this I feel is my song, this is my heart's desire and I pray if you are in the pit today, the lyrics will bring you encouragement. This song speaks truth, He is there with us in all times!!

Verse 1
GOD IN MY LIVING
THERE IN MY BREATHING
GOD IN MY WAKING
GOD IN MY SLEEPING
GOD IN MY RESTING
THERE IN MY WORKING
GOD IN MY THINKING
GOD IN MY SPEAKING
Chorus
BE MY EVERYTHING
BE MY EVERYTHING
BE MY EVERYTHING
BE MY EVERYTHING
VERSE 2:
GOD IN MY HOPING
THERE IN MY DREAMING
GOD IN MY WATCHING
GOD IN MY WAITING
GOD IN MY LAUGHING
THERE IN MY WEEPING
GOD IN MY HURTING
GOD IN MY HEALING
BRIDGE:
CHRIST IN ME
CHRIST IN ME
CHRIST IN ME THE HOPE OF GLORY
YOU ARE EVERYTHING
CHRIST IN ME
CHRIST IN ME
CHRIST IN ME THE HOPE OF GLORY
BE MY EVERYTHING

New Kenzie update

Kenzie is back in the hospital due to some bleeding. Baby Faith looks great but they are obviously wanting to check some things out so she will be in there a little bit. Please continue to pray. Her blog is up and running again so you can check on her there for updates. thestanfieldjourney.blogspot.com
Thanks for your faithfulness!