Six months ago......

I was getting things ready to have Mary Grace. I had found out Wed. that our prayers had been answered and she had turned head down and was ready. I was so relieved because I had never had a c-section and I was scared of the risks, the surgery recovery, not knowing how much time I would have with Mary and being scared to be out of it due to the surgery. My family was all here, we were heading to the build a bear workshop so that Kailey and Allison could make their sister a bear to give her at the hospital. I enjoyed a big buffet at the Golden Coral and was looking forward to some ice cream. We headed to church on Sunday morning and I realized that it would probably be the last service that I had Mary Grace with me, that she would probably never be sitting in an infant carrier beside my pew - it was quite emotional. We came home to get packed and headed to the hospital Sunday night. At 11:00 p.m. they checked me before they gave me the medicine I needed to "get started" and Mary Grace had seemed to move back to breech. I was so confused on how God answered what seem to be like the only prayer so far and now even that was not the case. But then I had a weird kind of peace about it, maybe because I knew that within minutes of going into surgery I would for sure be holding my baby girl. Then 7:00 a.m. rolled around quickly - and at 7:15 a.m. one of the most incredible miracles was being held right up to my cheek, she was crying this precious little cry (which they said she never would cry) and as I immediately started singing to her, I knew how great my God is and just how many prayers he had answered just to have her there by my cheek! That day was perfect. The 7 hours with Mary Grace was perfect and I can't even begin to tell you how many prayers God answered in our lives that very day.




Now....six months later I am pretty lonely for my Mary Grace. My arms feel very heavy today. I have had a lump in my throat that hurts from holding back the tears all morning but are freely flowing right now. I am confused....I am scared....I am mad....I am hurt....I am lonely....I am disappointed....I am stuck......but I do have JOY. Joy is so prevalent within me and it's hard to explain but I know God has me...I know He is carrying me. And in those really mad moments...moments like when I look at pictures from January 14th and I see the love and smiles in Mary Grace's sisters face when they look at her and are holding her, and I think oh God..they should have got to keep her...why???? It last a moment and I hold on to the times when Kailey says to me "Mommy at least we get to be with her forever in Heaven". Because Heaven is forever, this world it but a fleeting moment.

Oh and remember that prayer that God must not have really answered, the one where I ended up having to have a c-section? Well, thank God He knows what we need, He knows what is right for us....because when I get the panicky feeling of "did Mary Grace really happen, did I really have her?" I can run to my bathroom mirror and lift my shirt and see the proof, feel the proof. Oh I am so thankful for that scar, the scar I do not put anything on to fade it - cause I love, love, love it. Thank you Jesus for what seems like those unanswered prayers.

Monday will be six months since my Mary Grace started dancing with Jesus....I am flying to Kentucky and I will sit at my daughters grave, I will sing to her and I will praise my Jesus for the third greatest gift in my life.

Psalm 90:14 "Satisfy us in the morning with your unfailing love, that we may sing for joy and be glad all our days."
Thank you Megan.

Ain't God Good?!!

How amazing it is to look into the eyes of 7 other women who have had to let their babies leave from their arms. How amazing it is to see and hear them praise the God that allowed it to happen. How amazing it is to listen to how perfect God’s plan played out in each of our lives (and for us to know it was perfect) with the end result being the same. How amazing it is to smash pottery and take a peace of each other’s to create something that includes all of us and to do it with laughter and not bitterness. How amazing it is to worship our loving Savior with 19,000 other women who probably have similar stories or ones of their own that are just as horrific. How amazing it is to be with 7 other girls that I have never even met (excluding my precious Kenzie and Emily) and to feel like we have all been life long friends, meeting up for the weekend. How amazing it is to love them and their babies with all my heart and soul and to create a lifelong bond/friendship that regardless if I ever will get to see them all again, will always be a part of me. I could go on and on with these thoughts but now you see why I ask “Ain’t God Good?!!”






The Lord blessed me with an amazing weekend! I can not even begin to tell you how much fun we had together while laughing, crying, singing, dancing and praising God with all that we have in us. It is Thursday a week later and it will probably take me another 3 weeks to get caught up on sleep – One other woman (will not mention names) and I are the only ones who are probably too old for this kind of weekend (yes we were the joke of generational things, how did I get here?). I roomed with Emily, Kenzie and Karen and the first night we got 4 ½ hours sleep, the second night we got 45 MINUTES worth of sleep and the third night we got 3 ½ hours sleep! Kenzie did get more sleep because she’s gotta take care of that little GIRL she is having! I realize that I can’t hang with the young folk any more and that although I did not feel like 38 when I got there (gotta be honest with that number since I am a Christian) I feel like it now!! Reality is so wrong!! Hee hee










I want to praise God for orchestrating such a perfect time of praise, worship, love and friendship. I want to praise Him for Mary Grace, Maddox, Miller Grace, Isaac, Asher, Tristan, Poppy Joy, Jacob Ryan and Eva Janette. I want to thank these babies for bringing their Mommies into my life. And although we would never choose to be a part of this “club” I could never imagine going through this without these woman. I know because of this trip it seems I feel this way exclusively about them, but realize this weekend and this post is to describe them, but there are so many other babies and Mommies who mean just as much to me and that I could not imagine not having known them as well (too many to mention for fear of accidentally leaving someone out, because of my age you know). I love you all!

I am so thankful that I live in this day and age where it’s possible to grieve like this, to have this outlet, to have other Mommies who are able to connect with me throughout the world. I am so thankful that families are willing to share themselves with me so that I do not have to do this alone, that Woman reach out to me and share their journeys, it means the world. I do not take for granted that this is a blessing to be able to find each other in this way. I can’t imagine loosing a baby and not having this outlet, not having photographs and videos and my heart breaks for any Mother who has lost a baby without these resources because it has been my saving grace.

This conference included three speakers (Kay Authur, Beth Moore and Priscilla Shirer), Travis Cottrell and his praise Team and Mandessa (she is so beautiful with an incredible testimony – one of my favorites). Everything and everyone was amazing. Kenzie had mentioned in her blog that the teachings from Priscilla Shirer spoke to her particularly. I have to agree without being a copycat that this was the thing that spoke to me the most. She spoke from Exodus 19 of the Israelites in their wilderness period, how that God took them to the furthest point away from the land of blessings to the wilderness to “camp out”. How that in the wilderness where God brings us to, we need to camp out, we have to kneel face down, we have to pitch our tent and trust Him. And that through this trust, through this relationship that we can have with God if we choose it, we will find our mountain. Lord I will surrender to this and I will camp out! As she said “it is more safe in the wilderness with God than out of the wilderness without God”. AMEN!





P.S. I had to edit this blog to make sure to include our sweet Sister in Christ Kirsten. She lives in CA and happened (not by chance thank you Jesus) to be in Atlanta for another reason, looked us up and shared some wonderful time with us. She has been part of this journey and has lifted us up in prayer. She too lost a baby during her pregnancy and has held on tightly to God and His promises so beautifullly. Kirsten, thank you for meeting with us, sharing this with us...I will continue to pray for you as God takes you through this wilderness to the mountain!

Thank you to everyone who prayed for us and our trip, your excitement for us, your support of us has been so wonderful. I feel as much love from you all as I do from my new lifelong best friends. You are all as much a part of this as us and I praise God for you. Because of all your love, my cup runneth over!

For whosoever shall give you a cup of water to drink in my name, because ye belong to Christ, verily I say unto you, he shall not lose his reward. Mark 9:41

Prone to Wonder.....

Lord I feel it, prone to leave the God I love. Here's my heart Lord take and seal it, seal it for thy courts above.

I am sure you know by now that I LOVE christian music. It ministers to me like nothing else. And more than that I LOVE hymns. I love singing them to my girls. I love knowing why they were written (especially since I was given Mary Grace). When I am having a "moment" and words come to me that I can't figure out where they come from or what song it is...I love being able to go to my hymnal and find it and get excited to introduce it to my girls. Since a lot of churches have gone to mostly praise music (which my church does and I love) I still want my girls to grow up having the old Hymns in there hearts. Cause man how much it has meant to me, in my happiest and in my darkest moments. It's like knowing the bible and going through something in your life and just having the word of God in your heart to help you through it, verses like Phil. 4:8 "Finally Brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable...if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think on such things". Unfortunately I am horrible at memorizing verses...but songs.....I know the words to songs and I can break out in a song at any given moment.

Sunday my girls and their Memom was outside playing in the driveway, I wasn't sure where Chris was, and I was fixing dinner and my heart had been stirring since the message at church that morning. I was engulfed with thoughts of Heaven and Mary Grace, looking out the window at her tree (again it means the world to me to have that tree!) and feeling oh so emotional. I had the radio on and one of my favorite songs came on : Let it Fade by Jeremy camp ( on my play list to listen to) and I could not get to the volume knob fast enough!! I ran to it, blasted the music, closed my eyes and starting lifting my hands up to the sky and when I opened my eyes Chris was standing there and I totally lost it...I collapsed in his arms and wept and it felt so good! He asked what made you think of her? and I said I always think of her. He said no I mean was it the song that made you think of her? I said no..I mean I ALWAYS think of her. I love my husband and he is the most awesome man in the world, but please! Mary Grace is a constant in my mind - there isn't any one thing that makes me think of her - my thoughts are always on her. How can a person explain that? A Mother's thoughts are always on her children, and there's no way to explain it.

Now...there are things all the time that trigger certain thoughts. Like the hair in the drain (Emily calls it Chubacka which totally cracks me up) triggers the thoughts of my body recovering from having a baby but she isn't here with me. My tight "big" clothes remind me that I have baby weight and she isn't here with me. My arms that literally ache at times remind me that I will never hold Mary Grace in my earthly arms again. When I go to see Kailey dance in her recital (which she was amazing) it reminds me that I will never get to see Mary Grace dance on stage. When I put sunscreen on my girls I think that I should have a third sweet girl standing in line waiting to be lubed up. When I go through clothes I have to remember that I do not need to save them for Mary Grace. When I walk in the office I am reminded that it's not a nursery. When I run to the grocery store I do not need to make sure my baby girl is fed up to last her three hours so Chris can stay home with the three girls. When I register Allison for Kindergarten I think of not having alone time with Mary Grace for 3 hours while Allison is in school. When I see Kailey in the seat next to Allison in our van, I am reminded that she is not in the back so that Mary can sit there in her infant car seat. When I think of Mary Grace being 5 months old I am reminded that I do not have to clear space in my cabinets to make room for baby food. I can go on and on.....so what made me think of her? I ALWAYS think of sweet Mary Grace........I love you sweet girl.

And then I hear a sermon preached, a sermon about God calling me to make an eternal difference and what am I building into eternity? Am I building with Gold/Silver/precious stones or hay and stubble? When I get to Heaven I will hear enter in, thanks to Jesus Christ's blood and His Grace, but will I hear "well done thy good and faithful servant" or will I just get a shrug? And I visualize my Mary Grace entering into Heaven and Jesus holding her, dancing with her, pitching her up in the air and saying "well done Mary Grace, I am so very proud of you". And it thrills my heart and soul!!!!!!!! She came into this world for 7 short hours and made such an ETERNAL impact on so many many people that it really makes her Momma proud. And she makes me want to make her proud, she makes me want to make my God proud, my Savior proud. She makes me want exist for eternity. She makes me want to be a better Mommy to Kailey and Allison, a better wife to Chris, a better Daughter, Sister, Friend.......

I know I gotta long way to go. I know I am struggling, struggling with anger, bitterness, anxiety, eating, must I go on? But we (God and me) will get this done. When I was feeling sorry for myself this weekend and I was letting my strong holds get a hold of me, I could literally hear Mary Grace saying to me "mommy this is not what I want for you, this is not what God intended, this is not why God gave me to you, I want you to be happy, I want you to be okay for my sisters...I am here, I always will be...it's okay to be okay, I am yours and I will be waiting for you!"

I get exhausted a lot by being okay in front of people. I mean I really do not intend on "faking it" I really do not try to put on a front...it's just not me to be down in front of others. I am the type of person where I want everyone to be happy, I do not want anyone to feel uncomfortable or down, I want everyone to be okay so it's not something I mean to do, it's just me. But I can finally just get exhausted by it and that's when I have my down times. But this is grief, this is sadness and longing for my Mary Grace...and I know my Father is okay with it. But I know too that He wants more from this and I will give it to Him.....I will............

Keeping praying my friends, keep praying that I do not waste any of this.......

Pistol Packin' Momma

This is my new nick name for Kenzie and it cracks me up every time I think of it.
Some of you have read Kenzie's blog but for those of you who haven't let me tell you about Saturday.
First let me start by saying GOD IS SO GOOD!! There is a lot of tragedy, a lot of heart ache, a lot of disappointment, but...there is also so much to be joyful about, to be happy about, to praise Him about and Kenzie is at the top of my list. (Along with all my new found friends).
Kenzie and I live about 5 1/2 hours from each other and have talked for a while about getting together. So....Saturday was a day that worked out for both of us and we met in the middle in Austin. Kenzie was there a little bit before me so she got parked and waited. I pulled up and picked her up on the side of the street in Downtown Austin and from the moment she sat in my car...it's as if I knew her my whole life. The first thing Chris said when he saw our picture was that we could be sisters...and I said "we are, soul sisters!"
Well..we headed off to get some famous green chili cheese fries (boot camp is over!) at the famous Shady Grove in Austin. We talked about our precious angels, our families, our gripes, our questions, our fears, our praises and the list goes on. After sitting there for a few hours and I am sure annoying our waiter who was losing tips, we decided to head down the road and do some sight seeing and walking around. The light turned greened - I had to wait for a pedestrian to cross and BOOM. We got rear ended. We pulled into a Whataburger and once I found out everyone was okay..the laughs began. I mean really.....we are 1 in 3,000 and the odds proved themselves yet again...we couldn't help but to laugh. After spending 2 1/2 hours in the whataburger parking lot waiting for the cops......they came and gave us a sheet to fill out, no police report and said see ya! Now...during the wait, I witnessed a person walking with a belt and bracelet made of bullets...couldn't motion to Kenzie cause he had a back pack too and I just knew we would make the 10 o clock news. After he was out of site I told Kenzie and she then tells me she is licenced to carry a fire arm...what! Kenzie, sweet precious Kenzie? Well...now she is "Pistol Packin' Momma" to me! Cracks me up!
We finished the day with more laughs, some tears, more good food (boot camp is REALLY over), great conversation, and regret that we hadn't planned to spend the night and have more time together. Good Times!







I am so thankful for Mary Grace, Maddox, Miller Grace, Tristan, Poppy, Eva, Madeline, Happy...really the list is so much that if I continued I would be devastated to leave anyone out! You know who you are....I love you all, I love your babies, I love your hearts, I love and Praise the one and only God who has brought us together. There was nothing like looking into the eyes of another Mommy who got it. Who knew exactly what I was saying even if she felt differently or her story played out differently than mine. Friends...we gotta reach out, we gotta be there for each other, we can't waste this...these gifts that God has given us.

On another note, a note that breaks my heart deeply...please pray for the Fahmer Family. Jacob was born the same day as Mary Grace. I have loved reading about him, watching him grow, watching him beat all the odds and touch the world every day, all 139 of them. I have imagined through watching Jacob, Mary Grace and where she would be if she was still here with me. Sweet Jacob is now with Mary Grace in the arms of our Savior Jesus Christ. Please pray without ceasing for this family. It's never enough time..... http://fahmer.blogspot.com

God is great but sometimes life ain't good!

What a day that will be.....

I am writing today but let me warn you, my brain is pretty much mush. It’s filled with so much stuff that I do not know where to begin and do not know how it will end. I am overwhelmed with my “to do” list, the piles that lay before me from paperwork to laundry, the endless piles of papers that come home from school (to keep or not to keep so they all just lay there), the things I need to get accomplished and off of my plate but I just can’t seem to move forward with any of it. Yesterday I bought two bags of groceries and walked past them a hundred times and just couldn’t put them away (besides the stuff that HAD to go in the refrigerator). I mean really, it was grapes, some broccoli, bread and apples and I seriously could not put it away. How can that weigh on a person? I mean it’s a few groceries for goodness sakes, not finding a cure for cancer or solving global warming. So is this depression, the feeling of hopelessness at times when you can’t even do a simple thing? I think that’s why when I get dinner on the table 5 out of 7 nights I feel like I should get an award for such an accomplishment, who cares if it’s spaghetti or "just add water" pancakes (with calcium at least).

I have been trying to limit my computer time as it was starting to get out of control. I was spending hours here and when it’s the first place Kailey or Allison look for me, I thought that was a sign. But it is a place where I do not feel so alone. I now just try to check to see how everyone is doing (2 to 3 a day). I have to say there have been some really exciting things happening with my friends, miracles and displays of God’s grace and power, but it has also been a tough few weeks of adding to my prayer list and feeling discouraged that so many people’s lives are changing due to similar circumstances to mine. Whether it be difficulties in raising a special needs child, death before birth, death after birth or SIDS…it’s just crazy. I sometimes feel that it may be best for me right now if I just stayed away from the computer all together so the reality of this life will not bring me down further, but there’s just no way. There is no way I can be comfortable knowing that God is specifically putting people in my life for me to pray for, people who need and covet our prayers. I can’t ignore it, I can’t walk away from it…who am I to think that it’s okay to just safely get through this life with as little grief as possible. I look around me and am reminded all that I am blessed with, my home, clothes on my back, a beautiful family, my stomach has never felt TRUE hunger, the bills are paid. Yes I have lost one of the most precious gifts that has ever been given to me and I would trade all of the stuff to have Mary Grace back, but I will not be separated from her forever (this world is not our home, we’re just a passin’ through). Because of what Jesus did for me, I have the promise of having it ALL for eternity, not just this brief moment in time. If given the choice I choose eternity not this ole’ world.

Well today was my last day of my 4-week boot camp. I decided to jump in a have something kick my butt and I finished it. Let me tell you that there was hardly a day that went by that I would not get back into my car, with not a dry thread on my body, and not have a break down on the way home. I was pretty much ticked the whole time, especially when I would wear the wrong shorts and my inner thighs would remind me during the whole run! I mean first I thought….am I actually paying for this, for someone to kick my butt like this? Second I was mad the whole time trying to lose baby weight with no baby to show for it. I would get in my car and think, I should have a baby to rush home to breast-feed. I mean with my other two, when I had to lose the weight it was okay, a slow process and I remember going to the gym in between the three hour feedings and needing to get back home to feed my sweet girls. Now I am coming home to pictures of my sweet girl, the house empty of her. Oh it’s just so hard, it just stinks. But….today on my last day I was having to talk myself into staying and not leaving early pretty much the whole time and on that last run I had the most overwhelming beautiful thought of….. “Mary Grace you are worth all of this”. And I kid you not, when I got into my car, started it up, Chris Tomlin was singing “my chains are gone, I’ve been set free” (the girls call it Mary and Poppy Joy’s song). So…..I lost it again, but this time with tears of joy. And at the end of that song he sings “you are forever mine” I sang it to Mary Grace, because death and passing from this world, does not change the fact that she is forever mine and I will see her some sweet day. “And what a day that will be, when my Jesus I shall see, and I look upon His face the one who saved me by His Grace. And when He takes me by the hand and leads me to the promise land, what a day …glorious day that will be".

Please pray specifically right now for my cousin/best friend Tracy’s family. She lost her Grandfather this week and he is walking in perfection with Mary Grace right now.

Pray also for Greg, Nicol and Summer Sponberg as they deal with the loss of their baby boy Luke due to SIDS. This is Angie’s family who recently lost Audrey Caroline and now have to bury another baby in the family, it’s unfathomable. http://audreycaroline.blogspot.com

Romans 8:38-39 “For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God, that is Christ Jesus our Lord”.

Prayer Request - Faith Webb

Hi Friends. Sorry I haven't updated lately. I do have a prayer request today. Faith Webb will be entering into this world. She has been diagnosed with Trisomy 18. Please pray that God will bless this precious family with lots of time with their angel and that they will feel His hand holding them the whole way through.
She is one of the links under my prayer list...check on her and let them know you are thinking about them and praying for them - I remember how much it means.

TRUST.........

is not a feeling, it's not an emotion. Trust is a decision, a choice. It's something that I think every Christian struggles with concerning God and His ways (Lord knows I do!). If we truly believe in God and His Holy Word and have a relationship with Christ, then we believe to some extent, if not all, that the things that He allows to happen to us are for His glory and for our good....Romans 8:28 "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." But man is it tough to take sometimes! You know, I don't think God ever promised that if we walked with Him , it would be a perfect road, (but some of it just feels too hard). In fact, we see time and time again in the bible and in our present day life, that some of the best Christians and believers are the ones who are persecuted the most and the hardest. But let's admit it....when these bad things happen to Christians, and they CHOOSE to trust God, to praise Him, to glorify Him, how much more powerful is that?! So powerful!! How easy is it to praise Him when things are going great, when things are pretty much perfect? Does that really say a whole lot?

I know in the past I have seen Christians get the worst Satan attacks ever, when they are really on fire for God, bam Satan attacks them! And I have thought.....okay.....I do not want to face those hardships so I am going to play it safe...not be too on fire for God to draw Satan's attention to me! You know, one of those "Safe" Christians. Still a Christian, still saved through Grace, still going to heaven, but SAFE....making no impact, making no difference for the Kingdom of God.
And, when the trials have come in my life (2 biggies so far) I have been angry, bitter, withdrawn....but I have still dug may way out by the power of my Savior and have found a way back to Him, even though He never left me! Praise Jesus for His love and patience for even me! He loves all of us, Christ died so that we may have life and have it more abundantly!! If you are facing a "biggie" right now, God is there, He WILL carry you I promise. I can now say truly, I KNOW! Isaiah 41:10 "So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."
And if what you are going through is not a "biggie" know that nothing is too big or small, God wants our everything...He wants to help us and be our Father in the small things too. (Besides...God doesn't have a scale,He wants it ALL). Phil 4:6 "Do not be anxious about anything, but in EVERYTHING, by prayer and petition with thanksgiving, present your requests to God."

Of course I do not want any more biggies, but I tell you now...I do not want to play it safe! I do not want to "lay low" so Satan will not target me. Greater is He that is in me than he that is in the world! I want to Glorify the Almighty Father who has made it possible for me to spend eternity with all my loved ones who accept His Son as their Savior, because without Him there is no hope. I have always known how great a sacrifice Jesus was but I especially realize it now.
I was given a miracle, I was given a beautiful life, I was chosen to be the Mother to precious Mary Grace, praise Him for loving me so much!! And as sure as I decided to follow Jesus....I have decided not to waste what He gave me in Mary Grace - she is too precious to waste. I am not saying that I will not struggle, probably daily, but I AM saying that I have a longing for that Kingdom, that Kingdom I am called to make a difference for.

I have imagined a love note from my Heavenly Father that says "Will you Trust Me? Yes or No...do not circle OR." I circle YES..I choose to Trust.

Deuteronomy 32:4
"He is the Rock, his works are perfect, and all his ways are just. A faithful God who does no wrong, upright and just is he."
On Christ the solid rock I stand, all other ground is sinking sand, all other ground is sinking sand.

When you can, please watch this inspiring video of a family who is in the depths of grief having lost their precious Audrey Caroline, but is choosing to Trust while realizing the true picture of what that means......you WILL be blessed. The "Smith Family Story".
http://withoutwax.tv/2008/04/28/rocked-to-my-core/