How am I?

Besides the day I had to give Mary Grace to the Lord, this has been my hardest day yet. I guess with the pain meds, traveling to Kentucky and making preparations, my mind was somewhat distracted from the loss – the realness of it all. Now that I am back home and still recovering from surgery (which is a peace of cake compared to the emotional) I have time to reflect on what has happened.

How can I be a Mother of three, giving birth to three babies and only have 2 running around here? What on earth has happened? I find myself starring at pictures of Mary Grace to realize she was real. I sat at the computer today with a picture pulled up of Mary grace to the largest degree and traced my mouse over her every detail in hopes I could feel her on my finger tips – to no avail. I asked my Mom the question today whether she thought it would be harder to lose a baby or a grown child. Of course the answer is either would be too much for anyone to bear. I thought for sure my answer would be a child I have got to know and raise –but after losing Mary Grace and in reading one woman’s story who buried her 22 year old daughter, who was helping a person with the loss of an infant said she thought it would be tougher to lose an infant because she got to know her daughter, experience her, go through all her “firsts”. It seems true to me right now…but of course losing any child is unbearable and not comparable at all to the other. I went to Wal-Mart today for the first time, it stunk……every child I saw I wondered what Mary Grace would be like at that age. I was not in need of any baby supplies like I should be. I will NEVER get to pack Mary up in an infant car seat and take her to Wal-Mart for everyone to ooh and aahh over. When Kailey Mae was little, EVERYONE stopped me and commented on her….she was totally bald, ears that perfectly stuck out with the biggest blue eyes ever. Everyone talked about her big beautiful blue eyes. Then Allison was so chubby that everyone stopped me and wanted to pinch her rolls. How awesome it is to show off your angels. How I ache to take Mary Grace to the mall in a nice new stroller and diaper bag and have people tell me how PERFECT her nose is. Man she has the most perfect nose I have ever seen. And if for an instant she leaves my thought, my milk lets down and reminds me she is nowhere for me to pick her up and feed her. Oh how I loved breast-feeding Kailey and Allison. I will never have that with my sweet precious Mary Grace.

Kailey must be feeling the same as me. She has had several sad moments lately. Pray for her heart. She said tonight while crying that she knew Mary is in a better more fun place but she missed her and wanted her. We cried together and I told her I felt the same way. Although I know Mary Grace is in a better place and happier than we can imagine, I WANT HER back!!! And I told Kailey that God could not have given us such a perfect gift, then take her to be with him and expect us to not be sad or even mad about it sometimes. He is our Father – he knows….he felt the same way when he watched people torment his only Son, spit in his face, beat him – he knows this heartache. I think she felt better knowing that it’s okay for her to want Mary Grace to be with us and not in Heaven.

It was my 10th year wedding anniversary today. We watched our wedding video with Mom and the girls. We have had some trials in our 10 years…a bad car accident where we could have lost Chris and it took him 6 months to recover from, a loss of a baby early in pregnancy and losing Mary Grace. But I could not mention the hard things without telling of HIS blessing upon us as well. We have a beautiful marriage (normal stuff of course) but man do we love each other, we have had three beautiful children, two who are still with us and are PERFECT for us, hand picked for us to love, a beautfiul home, a wonderful family and the list could go on and on. I love Chris more than ever and could not imagine having anyone else by my side.

But the day ends in sadness like every one for a while I suspect. I walk past my mirror and see that my belly is no longer pregnant and holding Mary Grace, and then I realize she is not in the other room in a bassinet instead of my belly. She is not sitting in a bouncy seat waiting for me to feed her. Oh my sweet Jesus help me!!!

I love my Lord but the verse that comes to mind tonight in closing this day is…
“My God My God, why have you abandoned me? Why so far from my call for help, from my cries of anguish? My God, I call by day, but you do not answer; by night, but I have no relief.” (Ps.22:2-3)

As I go to bed tonight, I will pray the prayer I have prayed every night but have yet been granted. This is that God would take me to Mary Grace in my dreams, let me hold her the whole night, let me feel her on my skin. Please pray this for me. I need it. She went to be with the Lord on Jan 14th 2:15 p.m. I held her that day and slept with her that night with her face against mine the whole night, I had her until around 1:30 on the 15th. That was one of the best nights of my life. Oh how I love my Mary Grace, I long for her and feel no relief.

This is how I feel my sweet friends who are asking and caring and loving me/us. I am finding it hard to talk to anyone on the phone – I am sorry. E-mail is good right now. It’s easier for me. I love you all and thank you for understanding. Everyone who has and is signed up for meals, thank you – I can’t tell you how lifting that burden of “what’s for dinner?” has helped my Mom and me. Thank You.

With love,Kim